Rehab wants me involved?

Old 05-10-2017, 03:10 PM
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Rehab wants me involved?

I'll be darned, a counselor called me from AH's rehab. Super nice guy, had a great convo. He wanted to let me know that he's doing well and is settling in. He gave me his number, email address and the psychiatrist's email address in case I wanted to let them know anything about my AH that may have contributed to his addiction developing or relapse. I told them that I could probably fill pages, lol, but I expected it was vital that he be open with them and willing to share. I said that if they had any questions that they were welcome to contact me.

I have no idea what my role is supposed to be. I didn't think I had much of a role in his rehab and I'm not sure I'm supposed to, but these people have qualifications that I don't and know more than I do. I couldn't have imagined sending this nice man all kinds of personal information about my husband...it would seem weird to me. Is it? I mean, if he's not open and willing to bare his soul a bit, he isn't going to be in recovery regardless of what I tell them. I was just surprised that they asked.

Is this normally what they do? Lord I would feel weird, like I was gossiping about him if I shared stuff I know. Violating his privacy even.
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Old 05-10-2017, 03:57 PM
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I don't have any experience with rehab, Deelilah, so can't really speak to it.
Seems from my reading around here that they can be very different in approach.
I'm with you. It's your husband's rehab and he has the right to talk or not, as he chooses.
I would worry that anything I might share might prejudice the counselor in some way.
I dunno. As I said, I don't have much experience in this matter.
Hugs.
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Old 05-10-2017, 04:17 PM
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When my ex was in rehab a counselor called me. He told me that he was concerned because my ex said he wasn't really an addict and that he was only there to get me off his back. The counselor, of course, saw right through that, and wasn't at all surprised when I explained to him how serious things really were. After that he called me a few times to let me know that ex was finally opening up and sharing, and that he could see he was making progress.

So I think it can be good to involve family members.
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Old 05-10-2017, 04:27 PM
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Thanks very much, that is a helpful perspective. I don't know that they've gotten started really talking to him yet as he's in the detox stage. It sounds like they will reach out to me if they feel the need.
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Old 05-10-2017, 04:45 PM
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Deelilah, your thinking is wise and I would only share what you are comfortable sharing, it's not up to you to make sure the counselors get the correct information.

I worked at a rehab for 2 years and the counselors can spot BS a mile away, they've heard all the stories and blame and shame and in the end they are well trained to deal with this and make progress with the resident who usually loosens up once they have been there a while. The rehab I worked at was a 9 month to a year program, had excellent mental health professionals available to deal with some sensitive issues (like childhood sexual abuse) and counselors available to talk to 24 hours a day, as well as 12-step meetings each day and house life skills responsibilities like cooking and laundry and cleaning.

I hope rehab helps him, it's very early for him and there will be lots of changes over time.

Take good care of you, do what is comfortable for you, and I think you will get through this in a healthy way.

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Old 05-10-2017, 05:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
Deelilah, your thinking is wise and I would only share what you are comfortable sharing, it's not up to you to make sure the counselors get the correct information.

I worked at a rehab for 2 years and the counselors can spot BS a mile away, they've heard all the stories and blame and shame and in the end they are well trained to deal with this and make progress with the resident who usually loosens up once they have been there a while. The rehab I worked at was a 9 month to a year program, had excellent mental health professionals available to deal with some sensitive issues (like childhood sexual abuse) and counselors available to talk to 24 hours a day, as well as 12-step meetings each day and house life skills responsibilities like cooking and laundry and cleaning.

I hope rehab helps him, it's very early for him and there will be lots of changes over time.

Take good care of you, do what is comfortable for you, and I think you will get through this in a healthy way.

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I can't tell you what it means to hear that my thinking is wise right now. Really, from someone who knows what she's talking about! I wasn't sure whether I was near or way off in my feelings about it. Whew. That's a relief.

Yeah...I suspect they're gonna have to parse through a certain amount of BS. I've heard my share of it, lol. I'm certainly available if they need a reality check on some of what he says.
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Old 05-10-2017, 07:26 PM
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Keep reminding yourself that HIS recovery is not dependent on what you do or say or don't do or don't say. HIS recovery is dependent on what HE says and what he does. I agree, you do what feels comfortable for you.
Also keep in mind that those counselors are HIS counselors and they will advocate for him and if he begins to fear you may leave him, they may try and get you to agree not to, at least for a while. And they will try and talk you into coming to a "family" weekend or try and include you via the phone in his recovery. One rehab my ex was in they did that and I really didn't know any better and of course wanted to help and support his recovery. I must say that I felt put on the spot and felt guilty if I did not. BUT I learned so when the next rehab came along and his fear of me leaving him turned into his next obsession, they reached out to me and attempted to bring me into HIS recovery and I said NO, that I was working on my own recovery and it was best that he work on his own.
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Old 05-10-2017, 07:54 PM
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I was overly involved in my wife's attempt at outpatient rehab. I should have been doing more to focus on repairing and preparing myself. By not working on me I let myself trust to soon .
The relapse came and I managed better than before yet I see looking back I could have been better with seeing the signs earlier.
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Old 05-10-2017, 08:40 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Keep reminding yourself that HIS recovery is not dependent on what you do or say or don't do or don't say. HIS recovery is dependent on what HE says and what he does. I agree, you do what feels comfortable for you.
Also keep in mind that those counselors are HIS counselors and they will advocate for him and if he begins to fear you may leave him, they may try and get you to agree not to, at least for a while. And they will try and talk you into coming to a "family" weekend or try and include you via the phone in his recovery. One rehab my ex was in they did that and I really didn't know any better and of course wanted to help and support his recovery. I must say that I felt put on the spot and felt guilty if I did not. BUT I learned so when the next rehab came along and his fear of me leaving him turned into his next obsession, they reached out to me and attempted to bring me into HIS recovery and I said NO, that I was working on my own recovery and it was best that he work on his own.
Interesting! Yeah, my gut reaction was that I didn't want to feel responsible for any of it. I did tell the guy that it probably wouldn't mean anything if all the info they got was from me. My AH definitely had worries before he left that I won't be here when he comes back, though I told him that I would be here and had no plans of leaving if he truly got into recovery. I'm sure you're right that his counselor would have advocated for me not leaving now. I did go and do more work on Plan B today, so I feel kind of duplicitous, though duplicity has been my husband's M.O. for a while. His was due to wanting to get high and mine is a result of self-care, so they're not quite even. Misplaced guilt on my part.

The guy said there would be a family conference call later in the process. You think those are not helpful? I can't imagine what that call would be like, honestly.
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Old 05-10-2017, 08:44 PM
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Originally Posted by TiredDad View Post
I was overly involved in my wife's attempt at outpatient rehab. I should have been doing more to focus on repairing and preparing myself. By not working on me I let myself trust to soon .
The relapse came and I managed better than before yet I see looking back I could have been better with seeing the signs earlier.
Yeah, I'm taking that advice. I'm going to have to watch out for the complacency that Atalose warned me about earlier. It has only been two days, but I'm already seeing how normality seeps in. I'm basking too much in the lack of constant anxiety and I risk wallowing in it without doing the intensive work that I need to do on me. This situation didn't go away. This is just a momentary reprieve and I need to take advantage of the time now that I can really focus.
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Old 05-11-2017, 04:31 AM
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I was sometimes asked to participate in the "family" side of my son's recovery programs and most times I chose to go. I never felt that any part of his addiction was blamed on me, nor his recovery being my responsibility. They knew I was attending meetings for codependency, CoDA and Al-anon were my groups, and they didn't push at all.

That said, if I had been uncomfortable going, or not prepared to leave if it got nasty, my own fears might have got in the way.

In the end, I understood better what was required of him in his recovery and to let him find his own way, while taking care of myself as well. I didn't have to put my needs and life aside to take care of his...and this was my son so him living on his own or in a sober living home was ever so much better than him living at home.

I hope this ends well for both of you. Preparing a Plan B is always a good idea if for no other reason than to give you the confidence that "you" have choices, regardless of his own.

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Old 05-11-2017, 05:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
I was sometimes asked to participate in the "family" side of my son's recovery programs and most times I chose to go. I never felt that any part of his addiction was blamed on me, nor his recovery being my responsibility. They knew I was attending meetings for codependency, CoDA and Al-anon were my groups, and they didn't push at all.

That said, if I had been uncomfortable going, or not prepared to leave if it got nasty, my own fears might have got in the way.

In the end, I understood better what was required of him in his recovery and to let him find his own way, while taking care of myself as well. I didn't have to put my needs and life aside to take care of his...and this was my son so him living on his own or in a sober living home was ever so much better than him living at home.

I hope this ends well for both of you. Preparing a Plan B is always a good idea if for no other reason than to give you the confidence that "you" have choices, regardless of his own.

Hugs
Thanks for that. I think I inwardly cringed at the idea of that family counseling session out of fear that I would be given a "job" to do to enhance his recovery. I feel like my "job" is to work on me and observe his recovery so that I can know if it's time to run and save myself. I'm still too angry and that last weekend he was here didn't give me any hope that he's in the right head place for recovery. I don't feel safe putting much emotional investment into him pulling out of this. I'm in self-protection mode, not supportive spouse mode. I'm supportive of actual recovery, sure, I'm just not in the place at the moment where I can expect it to happen or entertain any romantic notions about our relationship. I didn't know what he was capable of becoming until recently and this experience has tainted my memories. I overlooked stuff in our relationship before this crack relapse that I see more clearly now. Or I'm focusing on the negative and not feeling safe remembering the positive to protect my heart if he comes out and relapses again. My thinking probably isn't all that clear yet. I fear I'm in the eye of a hurricane.

I'm probably being a little unfair. I know that he's a good person. I had totally opened up to this man only to watch him become a selfish jackass who had no regard for my feelings. Now I'm going back over all the other times that he was selfish and emotionally neglected me and they're becoming bigger deals in my head than they were at the time. I can't bring myself to go over the beautiful and happy times, though there were many. More happy than sad by a long shot which is why watching him change hurt so much...I just can't get all sappy about them. Trust is wrecked. I hope I can gain some clarity in this month.

A lot of it is that my ego is wounded. How DARE he treat me like I don't matter? Doesn't he know who I AM?? lol.
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Old 05-11-2017, 06:52 AM
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The guy said there would be a family conference call later in the process. You think those are not helpful? I can't imagine what that call would be like, honestly.
I do think they can be helpful, helpful for YOU in stating your feelings and boundaries. I think it’s much easier over the phone then in person. But I think before that phone call you need to be very clear with yourself on what your boundaries are and where you’d like to see your own recovery in say 30 days from now.

I told him that I would be here and had no plans of leaving if he truly got into recovery.
What does that entail for you? What does “truly into his recovery” look like to you? Do you have a specific time frame in mind to gauge that by? 1 month? 3 months? 1 year?

As for your own recovery and all that built up anger, resentment and ego bruising, what are your plans to work through all of those emotions instead of carrying them around with you?

If there is one consistent common denominator with addicts returning from rehab it is exactly what TiredDad said…I should have been doing more to focus on repairing and preparing myself. By not working on me I let myself trust to soon. Trusting to soon! And NOT working on us.
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Old 05-11-2017, 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
I do think they can be helpful, helpful for YOU in stating your feelings and boundaries. I think it’s much easier over the phone then in person. But I think before that phone call you need to be very clear with yourself on what your boundaries are and where you’d like to see your own recovery in say 30 days from now.



What does that entail for you? What does “truly into his recovery” look like to you? Do you have a specific time frame in mind to gauge that by? 1 month? 3 months? 1 year?

As for your own recovery and all that built up anger, resentment and ego bruising, what are your plans to work through all of those emotions instead of carrying them around with you?

If there is one consistent common denominator with addicts returning from rehab it is exactly what TiredDad said…I should have been doing more to focus on repairing and preparing myself. By not working on me I let myself trust to soon. Trusting to soon! And NOT working on us.
The sad part is that I don't have answers to those questions. I need to have answers to those questions well before he leaves rehab. Boundary for sure is that I will not be in a relationship with an active addict. What his recovery is supposed to look like to me? Good question. I'm not sure what to expect when he gets out. I'm not sure what is fair to expect. I'm not sure what time-frame I should be looking at, considering he relapsed after 8 years. There clearly isn't a "safe" time-frame. For me, I want to not be angry. I want to be at some sort of peace. Naranon seems to be the road to that. How to be at peace when I'm not sure what each day will bring is a skill I seriously need to work on. Having backup plans is essential to my ability to care for myself and my children. Having to have backup plans like that sucks.
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Old 05-11-2017, 10:54 AM
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I feel like my "job" is to work on me and observe his recovery so that I can know if it's time to run and save myself. I'm still too angry and that last weekend he was here didn't give me any hope that he's in the right head place for recovery. I don't feel safe putting much emotional investment into him pulling out of this. I'm in self-protection mode, not supportive spouse mode. I'm supportive of actual recovery, sure, I'm just not in the place at the moment where I can expect it to happen or entertain any romantic notions about our relationship.
Deelilah, you have no idea what clarity those words present. They are good words, honest words about taking care of yourself and I would not be afraid to pass them on to the counselors if they ask. They will "get it" and actually admire you for taking care of yourself.

Just wanted to add that here.
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Old 05-11-2017, 10:57 AM
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What I have learned about recovery for the addict and how to gauge the importance they place on it.

Recovery looks like recovery. The addict will move heaven and earth to remain clean/sober. They will do whatever it takes, 1 meeting a day 3 meetings a day whatever they feel is needed. They will not make excuses to attend meetings, counseling. They will find a sponsor and they will work the program. They will dedicate time and energy towards their recovery and embrace it. They will be honest and accountable with their time, money etc. They may talk a lot about their recovery or they may not say a word. They will not make rash decisions without first talking it through with most likely their sponsor or others in the program.

What a half a@@ed attempt at recovery looks like………and another relapse in the making...

They are home after 28-30 days at a rehab and want to jump right back into their old life with no hesitations. They make excuses for not putting their recovery first, like they need to work, they need to make money, and they need to take care of their families. Meetings, counseling are all secondary to whatever they can manage to put ahead of it. They claim they know now how to stay clean/sober that rehab taught them everything they need to do and they promise they will do. But do none of it or do a little halfheartedly.

The only reasonable measure of their true recovery is time but also actions speak the loudest.

I think nar-anon is a wise choice for you to get involved with and see if you can find a sponsor and begin working that program. It will help with the anger, hurt and disappointment. Al-anon is a similar program, you might want to check that out as well. Often al-anon offers more meetings, locations, and times then nar-anon does and pretty much the same principals. Drugs/booze – addiction is addiction.

If only I knew back then what I know today when my ex first relapsed 4 years into our relationship I certainly would not have stayed onboard for another 9 !!!! It truly was just a slow sinking ship with brief moments/days/months/even a year of pulling away from that iceberg but in the end, it was actually anchored to it all along and always would be.
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Old 05-11-2017, 11:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
Deelilah, you have no idea what clarity those words present. They are good words, honest words about taking care of yourself and I would not be afraid to pass them on to the counselors if they ask. They will "get it" and actually admire you for taking care of yourself.

Just wanted to add that here.
THANK YOU! I think half the battle is knowing when I'm getting something right!
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Old 05-11-2017, 11:28 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
What I have learned about recovery for the addict and how to gauge the importance they place on it.

Recovery looks like recovery. The addict will move heaven and earth to remain clean/sober. They will do whatever it takes, 1 meeting a day 3 meetings a day whatever they feel is needed. They will not make excuses to attend meetings, counseling. They will find a sponsor and they will work the program. They will dedicate time and energy towards their recovery and embrace it. They will be honest and accountable with their time, money etc. They may talk a lot about their recovery or they may not say a word. They will not make rash decisions without first talking it through with most likely their sponsor or others in the program.

What a half a@@ed attempt at recovery looks like………and another relapse in the making...

They are home after 28-30 days at a rehab and want to jump right back into their old life with no hesitations. They make excuses for not putting their recovery first, like they need to work, they need to make money, and they need to take care of their families. Meetings, counseling are all secondary to whatever they can manage to put ahead of it. They claim they know now how to stay clean/sober that rehab taught them everything they need to do and they promise they will do. But do none of it or do a little halfheartedly.

The only reasonable measure of their true recovery is time but also actions speak the loudest.

I think nar-anon is a wise choice for you to get involved with and see if you can find a sponsor and begin working that program. It will help with the anger, hurt and disappointment. Al-anon is a similar program, you might want to check that out as well. Often al-anon offers more meetings, locations, and times then nar-anon does and pretty much the same principals. Drugs/booze – addiction is addiction.

If only I knew back then what I know today when my ex first relapsed 4 years into our relationship I certainly would not have stayed onboard for another 9 !!!! It truly was just a slow sinking ship with brief moments/days/months/even a year of pulling away from that iceberg but in the end, it was actually anchored to it all along and always would be.
That helps so much! I seriously appreciate you sharing your knowledge with this newbie! I am taking all of your words in and think about them throughout the days. I'm close to a large city, so I am lucky to have sufficient Naranon meetings within 20 - 30 minutes of me most days per week. I think there's an Alanon meeting right in my town though, so I might attend both. It for absolutely sure can't hurt. That one might be my easy night since it's within 10 minutes of my house. I think I can manage two per week without feeling like too much of a neglectful parent. I'm buying the literature this time and studying at home in between meetings. I have a lot of work to do in the next few weeks.
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Old 05-11-2017, 11:30 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Recovery looks like recovery.
I had read this several times here before my RAH sought recovery. I always wondered, "But how do you really know?" I still don't have an answer except that you just KNOW. Trust your gut.
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Old 05-11-2017, 11:38 AM
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I wish we could put Atalose's post...Recovery Looks Like Recovery...on the entrance to this forum. She is so spot on and it makes it simple.

Sure, some just stop and never use again, but my experience watching hard core addicts like most of our loved ones here, is that unless they embrace a program of recovery as if their life depends on it (because it does), they are doomed to struggle and fail over and over again.

Sometimes it is hard on a relationship when someone new in recovery has to be at meetings so often and focus on their own recovery. Most times, a partner has already played second place to addiction and to have to do that again in recovery is too much. When each partner has and works their own program, it becomes two healthy people who can sort out whether the relationship can be salvaged or not, with clarity and support behind them.

You really do sound well grounded, Deeliliah, I think you will be okay.

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