Am new
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 16
Am new
Hi I am new and I don't have a lot of friends. With everything at home I haven't let anyone into my real life in a long time. I feel like I have been leading a double life for so long I don't know which one is real anymore. I am a single mom and just turned 40. I was with my husband ten years and was with him through jail, his addictions, his sobriety, and his most recent downward spiral. I had to get a restraining order and leave him. It was not safe. But it is not what I wanted to do. I feel like I had to cut off my own arm it hurts so much. I have been so embarrassed for so long it is even hard to write this. I am sad he isn't here but then he hadn't been for a long time. People think he is horrible and sometimes he was but other times he wasn't it is so confusing. I feel relieved but horrified at the same time. I feel like he was two different people. I do well some days and then like today I get sad and cry out of nowhere. I just don't know how I let this happen.
Last edited by Palehorse82; 05-09-2017 at 04:04 PM. Reason: Spelling
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Palehorse. I am sorry for your trouble and hope you find some comfort here, you are among friends who understand.
My son is the addicted loved one in my life, but I know the pain of having to cut the relationship and let them find their own way.
I found a lot of comfort, understanding and friendship in going to meetings, CoDA was my home group but I also went to Al-anon (and many here go to Nar-anon or other family groups), and it helped me find my balance again and learn to live a healthy life.
Take a read around, also there is an excellent book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie that has helped many understand why we are the way we are and how we can break from toxix living.
I'm glad you joined us.
Hugs
My son is the addicted loved one in my life, but I know the pain of having to cut the relationship and let them find their own way.
I found a lot of comfort, understanding and friendship in going to meetings, CoDA was my home group but I also went to Al-anon (and many here go to Nar-anon or other family groups), and it helped me find my balance again and learn to live a healthy life.
Take a read around, also there is an excellent book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie that has helped many understand why we are the way we are and how we can break from toxix living.
I'm glad you joined us.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
Hi Palehorse- welcome. Courageous post. Addiction sucks. It takes over a person until they become a different person (I did- booze). Cutting ties is difficult- BUT you have chosen a future and safety for you and your family. Support I think is what is good- on the ground. AA and NA also have support groups for those partners/family are affected by addiction, for AA it is al-anon.
If you can- perhaps a counsellor. SR is excellent for me- especially in the night hours. Better than watching law and order repeats (actually do both). If you are able- many communities have lots of groups happening, check out the local library, community centre- you might be surprised. Also churches, etc. The feelings of isolation or guilt or sadness and confusion, well your heart wants one thing, your brain tells you another- and addiction does not obey any rules, so it does not play nice. I think it is good you have decided to look to your future. Keep posting and reading, there are so many narratives, threads at SR. Lastly- if your grief over this goes on for a long time- maybe see you doc- depression is often overlooked. Take care- empathy and support to you. PJ.
If you can- perhaps a counsellor. SR is excellent for me- especially in the night hours. Better than watching law and order repeats (actually do both). If you are able- many communities have lots of groups happening, check out the local library, community centre- you might be surprised. Also churches, etc. The feelings of isolation or guilt or sadness and confusion, well your heart wants one thing, your brain tells you another- and addiction does not obey any rules, so it does not play nice. I think it is good you have decided to look to your future. Keep posting and reading, there are so many narratives, threads at SR. Lastly- if your grief over this goes on for a long time- maybe see you doc- depression is often overlooked. Take care- empathy and support to you. PJ.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Hi Palehorse82 and welcome.
I also had to end my relationship with a restraining order. I also think many of us feel our loved one was like two different people and that's the problem, they are not, it's just one person. We don't get Dr. Jekyll without Mr. Hyde.
You have found some new friends here, keep reading the posts and stickies and keep posting.
I also had to end my relationship with a restraining order. I also think many of us feel our loved one was like two different people and that's the problem, they are not, it's just one person. We don't get Dr. Jekyll without Mr. Hyde.
You have found some new friends here, keep reading the posts and stickies and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. You are not alone.
I did the same thing for a very long time. Tried to cover up my X's horrible behaviors and pretend we had a normal life. Low and behold, one day I decided I would not cover it up any longer. That behavior is his to own, not yours. You DESERVE a support system.
Guess what, people were much less judging than I thought they would be. And all those perfect families? They have their own issues as well. You will find the world is riddled with addiction. Let people in. Be truthful. Open up. Go to meetings, find face to face support. Do things you have always wanted to try. Let yourself have a life.
Big hugs. Keep posting, you are not alone!
I did the same thing for a very long time. Tried to cover up my X's horrible behaviors and pretend we had a normal life. Low and behold, one day I decided I would not cover it up any longer. That behavior is his to own, not yours. You DESERVE a support system.
Guess what, people were much less judging than I thought they would be. And all those perfect families? They have their own issues as well. You will find the world is riddled with addiction. Let people in. Be truthful. Open up. Go to meetings, find face to face support. Do things you have always wanted to try. Let yourself have a life.
Big hugs. Keep posting, you are not alone!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 16
Now husband going to rehab
After getting a restraining order and having my husband removed from our home he decides to go to rehab. What Am I supposed to do now? His family seems to think all should be forgiven and that I should speak with him and that my restraining order is silly. But I am still afraid. And if I give in he will start all over again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Sobriety for ONE SOLID year. Then you can BEGIN talking about lifting the restraining order.
You may want to check out the Friends and Family of Alcoholics thread. One of the regular posters, LexieCat, is very familiar with domestic violence issues. There have been a number of DV threads on that forum. It's chilling.
Unfortunately entering rehab is no guarantee that he's going to be OK. It sounds like he's been on substances for ten years. It's dismissive of his struggle to think he'll be able to turn on a dime. It takes serious concentration and dedication on his part.
I'm sure your family will say "Support him!" but the fact of the matter is is that if he isn't doing it for himself, if he's white-knuckling the effort, the sobriety is less likely to take.
Besides, one could argue that you should be the _last_ person to support him at this point. It's like a patient who stabs a doctor and then expects that doctor to treat him. It's a ridiculous expectation.
IMHO, if he was sincere about his efforts, he would feel truly sorry for what he's done to you and your family, and he wouldn't be asking you to do anything else.
You may want to check out the Friends and Family of Alcoholics thread. One of the regular posters, LexieCat, is very familiar with domestic violence issues. There have been a number of DV threads on that forum. It's chilling.
Unfortunately entering rehab is no guarantee that he's going to be OK. It sounds like he's been on substances for ten years. It's dismissive of his struggle to think he'll be able to turn on a dime. It takes serious concentration and dedication on his part.
I'm sure your family will say "Support him!" but the fact of the matter is is that if he isn't doing it for himself, if he's white-knuckling the effort, the sobriety is less likely to take.
Besides, one could argue that you should be the _last_ person to support him at this point. It's like a patient who stabs a doctor and then expects that doctor to treat him. It's a ridiculous expectation.
IMHO, if he was sincere about his efforts, he would feel truly sorry for what he's done to you and your family, and he wouldn't be asking you to do anything else.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 16
To the person who responded
Thank you. Thank you for taking time out of your day to write me back. I appreciate it. More than you know. My husband violated his no contact order last night and it was so late and I didn't know what to do. He texted me and it was confusing and saying that I could send him to jail and if he fu$&@? Up he would deal with it but that he loved me and wants to be a family and is going to rehab. Your words helped put things in perspective for me and I was able to sleep last night and contact my attorney this morning without ever responding to him. Thank you for helping me stay strong and take care of myself and my child.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Palehorse, "saying" he wants to go to rehab is a far cry from him actually going and often, sadly, a means of manipulation. Just look how it threw you off balance trying to figure out what to do now.
Something many of us here have learned, words mean absolutely nothing, actions tell all.
If he is serious about going to rehab, then he will go. You don't have to do anything except sit back taking care of yourself and see if he follows through and completes the rehab program. Even that isn't a guarantee of anything, his "actions" when he gets out will show whether he is serious about his recovery or feels he has "done his time" and now he's cured and all should be forgiven....a sure sign of relapse about to happen.
Take care of yourself, work on your own recovery...and for goodness sakes don't take texts from him, if you allow him to violate his no contact order, it will be meaningless and not protect you any more.
My heart hurts for you, don't waste your energy trying to figure out his next move. Time will tell you all you need to know.
Something many of us here have learned, words mean absolutely nothing, actions tell all.
If he is serious about going to rehab, then he will go. You don't have to do anything except sit back taking care of yourself and see if he follows through and completes the rehab program. Even that isn't a guarantee of anything, his "actions" when he gets out will show whether he is serious about his recovery or feels he has "done his time" and now he's cured and all should be forgiven....a sure sign of relapse about to happen.
Take care of yourself, work on your own recovery...and for goodness sakes don't take texts from him, if you allow him to violate his no contact order, it will be meaningless and not protect you any more.
My heart hurts for you, don't waste your energy trying to figure out his next move. Time will tell you all you need to know.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Palehorse, I haven't posted in "friends and family" for a very long time but I just read this post. My husband is an addict/alcoholic and has been making half hearted attempts at quitting. It is SO frustrating and sad and scary. I'm pretty sure I understand how you are feeling.
It's so hard to let go of a relationship you've been in for ten years. But, you are entitled to support and security and peace of mind. It's hard to have any of that when you're married to an addict. It's all about hiding what's going on behind the closed doors and pretending that everything is ok. It's not okay.
The times when my husband has left the house for rehab, I caved in and he moved back in a few months and inevitably he relapsed. I'm sure you know just how manipulative an addict can be. Keep coming here for support if you can't find it in real life because you will need it. Stick to your guns. Sounds like your husband is scared that he's really messed it up (again) and wants to make sure he doesn't lose the security you represent. But you need security too and living with an active addict doesn't give that to you. Give it a year of continuous sobriety. You don't have to make any decisions now. Just stay safe. Take care of yourself. Get your footing. And regardless of what HIS family says - they aren't living with him every day and every minutes. Easy for them to say, right?
Hang in there. You will get through this.
It's so hard to let go of a relationship you've been in for ten years. But, you are entitled to support and security and peace of mind. It's hard to have any of that when you're married to an addict. It's all about hiding what's going on behind the closed doors and pretending that everything is ok. It's not okay.
The times when my husband has left the house for rehab, I caved in and he moved back in a few months and inevitably he relapsed. I'm sure you know just how manipulative an addict can be. Keep coming here for support if you can't find it in real life because you will need it. Stick to your guns. Sounds like your husband is scared that he's really messed it up (again) and wants to make sure he doesn't lose the security you represent. But you need security too and living with an active addict doesn't give that to you. Give it a year of continuous sobriety. You don't have to make any decisions now. Just stay safe. Take care of yourself. Get your footing. And regardless of what HIS family says - they aren't living with him every day and every minutes. Easy for them to say, right?
Hang in there. You will get through this.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
There is a reason it's a no contact order. Just b/c of manipulation just like that. Actions, not words. Do not listen to a word he says.
As far as the order, if the violates and you go to have it enforced and they find out you have not enforced it in the past, they may throw out the entire thing. You don't get to pick and choose.
Hugs. I know it's hard, but words are cheap. It's the actions over a very long time that counts, and even then who knows.
As far as the order, if the violates and you go to have it enforced and they find out you have not enforced it in the past, they may throw out the entire thing. You don't get to pick and choose.
Hugs. I know it's hard, but words are cheap. It's the actions over a very long time that counts, and even then who knows.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Welcome to you, palehorse82. 
Glad you found this site -lots of support; as well, a wealth of helpful info here (check out the stickys).
It sounds like you are on your way to a healthier and safer life.
I believe many here can relate to what you're experiencing , including me. I am in a better place than I was and know that what's been shared here on SR has been very helpful in spurring me along in healing and recovery.
Take care.
Glad you found this site -lots of support; as well, a wealth of helpful info here (check out the stickys).
It sounds like you are on your way to a healthier and safer life.
I believe many here can relate to what you're experiencing , including me. I am in a better place than I was and know that what's been shared here on SR has been very helpful in spurring me along in healing and recovery.
Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 16
Thanks all
My husband did go to rehab and will be gone 45-60 days instead of what I was originally told would be 30. I have long suspected he was using crack again in addition to pot and alcohol. Does anyone know how long people stay typically for just alcohol? I could never get a straight answer or figure out what he was using. But he had all the signs of crack use and I strongly suspected he started using again he had used crack in the past. But I feel like he is abusive even not on substances. How can you tell the difference?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Palehorse82 
My husband did go to rehab and will be gone 45-60 days instead of what I was originally told would be 30. I have long suspected he was using crack again in addition to pot and alcohol. Does anyone know how long people stay typically for just alcohol? I could never get a straight answer or figure out what he was using. But he had all the signs of crack use and I strongly suspected he started using again he had used crack in the past. But I feel like he is abusive even not on substances. How can you tell the difference?
I don't know, but my anecdotal example of one is that all of his negative traits were vastly amplified. He didn't get many new ones (other than an attempt to lie a lot, which he sucks at). I don't know if that helps any.
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