Strongwoman

Hi! So, we are 40. Boyfriend of 2 years. He is using cocaine on weekends. I have found several bags. 3 this week. He didn't know how he ending up with one of them...we were at a friend's house having lots of drinks. One was from a day 2 months he was helping a friend move and I just found another in the laundry today. He says he has a problem. This is something that I have been finding for a year and a half. It gets better and then gets like this again. He works hard, works out and we have a great relationship and plan to marry. He wants to work in this. I have been threw this before years ago in a really really bad way. So understand a lot of the basics of not fixing him, codepency etc etc.
What's next? I need him to have a plan. I can't go back to regular life every time. Cocaine is everywhere! And soooo accepted. So ..working on himself is the key. Suggestions please!
Thank you

Chino

Are you wanting suggestions for his or your recovery?

TropicalWinter

You can't make him have a plan, you can't make him seek recovery, you can't MAKE him do ANYTHING.

Cocaine may be "everywhere," but as I've said many times here, it's nothing to F around with - it's a horrible, devastating drug that ruins lives every single day.

As long as he is using, you have no real future with him except one of pure hell.

SparkleKitty

He says he wants to work on this--what is he doing to back that up?

atalose

I don’t know what you mean by that, could you provide further.

Strongwoman

@chino ...
Both. I believe it is possible to get through this together. Until I decide its no longer possible that is. I have finished a very much in love relationship due many years ago because I was run through the ringer. This current relationship is not at that level and we are trying to figure it all out. Its not prefect, no one is. That is why I am here again. I know I need to go to nar-anon. That will be done. I am also on here. I introduced him to this site and he posted last night. He said he doesn't know were to start and so his forum I believe is a good start. He said there was lots of good feedback and will look into tonight after work. Any other suggetions are welcome. Thank you.

Strongwoman

@atalose by that I mean... I am trying to make sure we don't just discuss it, admit and say sorrys and move on. This time something further needs to happen as far a treatment, forums, therapist etc.

Strongwoman

@sparklekitty he posted on a forum last night on this website. That is a first. He said he doesn't know where to start and I suggested the forum. He also said he will go to meetings. I am having a hard time believing that is enough.. obviously trust has been broken.

Strongwoman

@tropical winter I am not trying to "make" him do anything. He knows my feelings and what I want and do not want in my life. We are trying to brainstorm it from there.

JennaRose

I was dealing with the same thing with my live-in boyfriend. He had a problem with pills back in the day and kicked that habit. I always hinted towards him ( we have been on and off for 15 years) that he may have an issue with alcohol but I never pushed it. I knew he had to learn in his own time. He started lying about drinking, hiding alcohol etc.

I calmly spoke with him and told him I can help him get better or help him move out and it was up to him. I told him not to answer quickly because whatever was the answer, this time it was sticking. We went to an NA meeting together and because he was able to identify with a lot that was said, it was helpful to show him that HE is the problem, not the substance. He has now been clean for 3 months. He is finding healthy solutions for stress, sleeplessness, pain etc.

What I learned from this was, I couldn't do anything other than tell him I was here for him. The rest, he had to do on his own, I simply let him know that it was fine, completely fine, if he didn't want to change BUT I would not be around any longer. I love him but I love me more. i did not pressure him or even encourage really in either direction. I will not hand hold, it is up to HIM to get it right. I have 5 1/2 years clean, I put in my work and will gladly help whenever I can. I will not spoon feed anyone. If you want help, get it. Now, with that being said I will gladly go to a meeting with him, talk to him about anything bothering him and sit with him when he is struggling.

I guess I am just trying to say...there really isn't anything you can do except to clearly state your boundaries and stick to them. That is for your recovery and for his.

It's a painful situation to be in, watching someone you love struggle with addiction and I will prayer to my higher power for you both!

zoso77

Sure. Be honest with yourself about what you can handle emotionally. Believe what your eyes, ears and gut are telling you. And based on that, make your best decision.

Keep us posted.

TropicalWinter

I wrote what I did because you said "I need him to have a plan."

What you need is a plan and support for YOU. His recovery, should he choose to pursue it, is entirely up to HIM.

He is going to have to put every ounce of himself into recovery if he is to have any shot at actually getting and staying clean and sober.

You sound like you are enmeshed with him. Keep your side of the street clean, and let his side be his.

Chino

"Work the program you wish they would."

That's a great piece of advice I received here ten years ago and it made all the difference. I wanted my daughter to attend NA, see a neuro psychiatrist, and addiction therapist. So I took the advice and did everything I wanted her to do.

At first, all I did was talk about her and learn everything I could about addiction. But the therapist kindly but firmly redirected me to work on myself, and leave her alone so she could work on herself.

We have a beautiful relationship now , and mutual respect for each others personal space and boundaries.

AnvilheadII

you might want to look at your own pattern in choices of partners? this has to be pretty deja vu.......maybe go back and read your post from 2007? besides the date, it sounds the same........

Strongwoman

I have thought of this. I will be looking into it further. I learned a lot from that last relationship and did a lot of healing. I truly believe that my last was much sicker, still is and always will be than my current partner. My current has been active on this website this week, said he will have a written plan to try for us to go by and is doing a lot of thinking. I'm not forcing him to do this other than he knows this life with us will be gone eventually if it he isn't proactive. I had to end my love 8 years ago due to drugs and I know it's possible to do it again. I will allow him to recover this on his own. The next step will be getting family involved and after that I'm out. I guess I do have a plan. he just needs to continue figuring out his plan. I will get to my local naranon meeting next Tuesday. Feel free to call me out. It's always helped in the past and that's why I'm here.