How to handle this situation
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 14
How to handle this situation
I just spent time writing my post but only to find out I lost it because I took too long. Ugh! Here goes...
I became friends with a neighborhood couple several years back. I watched his wife go through cancer. She passed away. Last summer, he was evicted from the house they were renting. I offered to let him stay with me for a few months, so he could find a regular job and move out. He was driving for a rideshare company for a while making good money.
After he started staying here, he would disappear for hours at a time, days at time, and not do what we agreed on. In the meantime, we got involved with each other. Taking it slow because he was still dealing with his wife's death. I argued and told him several times this wasn't working, etc. Your just taking advantage of me. I am tired of this!
Fast forward. He stopped doing this on a regular basis. He got a job but it only lasted a month. He was still dealing with the emotions from her passing, using and the job was 12 hours a day, which he couldn't handle. His feet swelled, etc. He did give me his 4 checks towards bills.
He regrets using and self medicating to deal with his issues. He recently started going to na meetings and found a sponsor. He has started to make amends with people he cared about but burned.
He tells me he loves me, wants to marry me when he gets himself together, he helps with my son. He also makes sure the house is always clean, cooks, even does repairs on my home that need to be taken care of.
Last month when he showed up from being gone 3 1/2 days, he knew that was it. Came home crying his eyes out, begging for forgiveness, etc. Wants me to still be patient with him, etc. He didn't plan all this.
The man fell apart. Lost everything he had after she passed. His vehicles were repossessed. He also got mad at me different times and took off to get high he said because I wouldn't bail him out and help get his car back. He said "if two people love each other" they wouldn't do that. But it is only material things. The same song and dance with the last of his belongings in a storage unit. His one daughter loaned him the money($865) to avoid having his unit being auctioned off. He failed to clear everything out after she paid the bill. I paid it the next month($165) to get the rest of his belongings. But he didn't do it because he was out getting high. Needless to say, I didn't pay next month's rent, and he lost those possessions.
I have told him several times since day one, I am not supporting you. I am a single mom and have my own bills to pay, a 10 year old son to support. My income doesn't support your bills & mine! Not very fair to ask somebody either. I am also not financing loans, etc, for somebody.
After the last time he disappeared, my feelings have changed for him. I am not sure if this is what I want long term. He has a lot to deal with. He found out last week, there is an open warrant back home that is 10 years old. This held him up from a job he applied for with his old boss back when his family moved out here.
What if he relapses again? I have told him I don't want to be with an addict. I am not dealing with it.
There is a lot of things that has gone on I have not written about. It even got to the point that my dad with what little he knew at the time, came over and talked to him. I felt kind of embarrassed because I am a middle aged woman but understood why my dad was doing this. I am his daughter and he doesn't want somebody taking advantage of me!
To this day, my father still feels this guy is just taking me for a ride, using me, nothing more. I also feed his dogs a special diet which consists of ground turkey, rice, sweet peas and carrots. he never fed them dog food.
Whenever he says something to me sweet, I look the other way or ignore him. I can't help it. I am just not feeling the woman in relationship anymore.
He told me he doesn't want to just shack up with me even though he wants to marry me someday. I don't want to just live with a man either, unless we are married.
I think it would help our relationship if he found someplace to live. It would also give him his space to sort things out and get himself together. Or, this would end. When we got into it after he came home last month from disappearing, he even told me this couple from his church offered to store his belongings and let him have a spare room but he chose to be with me. He doesn't want to stay with them. I mentioned this to him last month.
During the course of several conversations about things, he blows up, says things, gets angry, but then he apologizes later on. He is taking things way too personal.
Is this man just using me flat out or does he really love me like he says he does and just fell apart?
I just feel like I need a break and some space after all this. At least live separately.
I became friends with a neighborhood couple several years back. I watched his wife go through cancer. She passed away. Last summer, he was evicted from the house they were renting. I offered to let him stay with me for a few months, so he could find a regular job and move out. He was driving for a rideshare company for a while making good money.
After he started staying here, he would disappear for hours at a time, days at time, and not do what we agreed on. In the meantime, we got involved with each other. Taking it slow because he was still dealing with his wife's death. I argued and told him several times this wasn't working, etc. Your just taking advantage of me. I am tired of this!
Fast forward. He stopped doing this on a regular basis. He got a job but it only lasted a month. He was still dealing with the emotions from her passing, using and the job was 12 hours a day, which he couldn't handle. His feet swelled, etc. He did give me his 4 checks towards bills.
He regrets using and self medicating to deal with his issues. He recently started going to na meetings and found a sponsor. He has started to make amends with people he cared about but burned.
He tells me he loves me, wants to marry me when he gets himself together, he helps with my son. He also makes sure the house is always clean, cooks, even does repairs on my home that need to be taken care of.
Last month when he showed up from being gone 3 1/2 days, he knew that was it. Came home crying his eyes out, begging for forgiveness, etc. Wants me to still be patient with him, etc. He didn't plan all this.
The man fell apart. Lost everything he had after she passed. His vehicles were repossessed. He also got mad at me different times and took off to get high he said because I wouldn't bail him out and help get his car back. He said "if two people love each other" they wouldn't do that. But it is only material things. The same song and dance with the last of his belongings in a storage unit. His one daughter loaned him the money($865) to avoid having his unit being auctioned off. He failed to clear everything out after she paid the bill. I paid it the next month($165) to get the rest of his belongings. But he didn't do it because he was out getting high. Needless to say, I didn't pay next month's rent, and he lost those possessions.
I have told him several times since day one, I am not supporting you. I am a single mom and have my own bills to pay, a 10 year old son to support. My income doesn't support your bills & mine! Not very fair to ask somebody either. I am also not financing loans, etc, for somebody.
After the last time he disappeared, my feelings have changed for him. I am not sure if this is what I want long term. He has a lot to deal with. He found out last week, there is an open warrant back home that is 10 years old. This held him up from a job he applied for with his old boss back when his family moved out here.
What if he relapses again? I have told him I don't want to be with an addict. I am not dealing with it.
There is a lot of things that has gone on I have not written about. It even got to the point that my dad with what little he knew at the time, came over and talked to him. I felt kind of embarrassed because I am a middle aged woman but understood why my dad was doing this. I am his daughter and he doesn't want somebody taking advantage of me!
To this day, my father still feels this guy is just taking me for a ride, using me, nothing more. I also feed his dogs a special diet which consists of ground turkey, rice, sweet peas and carrots. he never fed them dog food.
Whenever he says something to me sweet, I look the other way or ignore him. I can't help it. I am just not feeling the woman in relationship anymore.
He told me he doesn't want to just shack up with me even though he wants to marry me someday. I don't want to just live with a man either, unless we are married.
I think it would help our relationship if he found someplace to live. It would also give him his space to sort things out and get himself together. Or, this would end. When we got into it after he came home last month from disappearing, he even told me this couple from his church offered to store his belongings and let him have a spare room but he chose to be with me. He doesn't want to stay with them. I mentioned this to him last month.
During the course of several conversations about things, he blows up, says things, gets angry, but then he apologizes later on. He is taking things way too personal.
Is this man just using me flat out or does he really love me like he says he does and just fell apart?
I just feel like I need a break and some space after all this. At least live separately.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
"Is this man just using me flat out or does he really love me like he says he does and just fell apart?"
Maybe both? Either way, it doesn't matter because the results are the same...you're supporting him emotionally and financially and getting very little but grief in return.
And he's living with you, when he's not disappearing to use, right? He's shacking up with you.
Your instincts are good...listen to them. Tell him to move out. You might think about going to some Nar-anon meetings to get some support and learn more about how you ended up in this situation, yes?
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Maybe both? Either way, it doesn't matter because the results are the same...you're supporting him emotionally and financially and getting very little but grief in return.
And he's living with you, when he's not disappearing to use, right? He's shacking up with you.
Your instincts are good...listen to them. Tell him to move out. You might think about going to some Nar-anon meetings to get some support and learn more about how you ended up in this situation, yes?
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think he just needs to go, period. he's a mess. he doesn't handle LIFE well. he uses drugs. he uses you. it was supposed to be short term? remember? while he got his chit together? which is not happening.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
You rescued him from grief and problems.
He helps you around the house, which is a valuable thing to a single parent.
Neither of those things are reasons to be in long-term relationship!
My advice (given because you are asking, though none of us really knows the reality of each other behind our internet words), is to separate your living situations (which both have to do with convenience/ease rather than choosing), let him be on his own for a bit, and see how you feel.
It sounds like this relationship evolved way too quickly, due to his tragedy (& perhaps your loneliness).
If he is capable of living on his own (well), and later wants to share life with you, that is another thing.
My most honest feedback is that - in this posting - I don't have a sense that you are in love with him or admire him or that he is enhancing your life. It sounds like this situation is damaging you. This is not at all a foundation for relationship or marriage.
Cut him loose, & see what he's capable of! You supported him through a hard time & he helped you out some. That's cool, and that's plenty!
He helps you around the house, which is a valuable thing to a single parent.
Neither of those things are reasons to be in long-term relationship!
My advice (given because you are asking, though none of us really knows the reality of each other behind our internet words), is to separate your living situations (which both have to do with convenience/ease rather than choosing), let him be on his own for a bit, and see how you feel.
It sounds like this relationship evolved way too quickly, due to his tragedy (& perhaps your loneliness).
If he is capable of living on his own (well), and later wants to share life with you, that is another thing.
My most honest feedback is that - in this posting - I don't have a sense that you are in love with him or admire him or that he is enhancing your life. It sounds like this situation is damaging you. This is not at all a foundation for relationship or marriage.
Cut him loose, & see what he's capable of! You supported him through a hard time & he helped you out some. That's cool, and that's plenty!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Ps. I just read your post again. Every word sounds like you are done. I would also be done - given the stories you shared!!
What is keeping you trapped in a situation you don't want? That is the question, really...
What is keeping you trapped in a situation you don't want? That is the question, really...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 14
I just want him gone. Out! He is no good for me. I deserve way more than who he is. Even if he gets it together, these are total dealbreakers for me.
He knows something is up with me because the last week he keeps asking me, what is wrong? I am very afraid of this man and what he may do to me. I dont trust him!
I have already tried several times to get him to leave, but he wont. Like I said, he has a temper.
I have discovered since I posted last night, that he opened up some hookup sites over the years when he was still married to his wife. I have seen his profile. Seeking a playmate. It is definitely him.
Another hookup site he saved in an email folder he created. That is him as well. Why would you save your profile if it wasnt you? These accounts are no longer paid accounts. Only free access.
I also have access to this email he uses because he borrowed my phone one time to log in and check this account. He forgot that I still have access. I have not and will not confront him on this. It will do no good. He is who he is.
I also have access to his voicemail everytime someone leaves him a message. The email comes through on my phone.
He created a profile on a hookup site. He also sent, or thought he was, a reply back to a spam email address, telling this young girl he wants to hook up with her. Gave her his phone number!
I did confront him on these things and a few other situations I have found out about now. Of course he gave me some bs answers.
He knows something is up with me because the last week he keeps asking me, what is wrong? I am very afraid of this man and what he may do to me. I dont trust him!
I have already tried several times to get him to leave, but he wont. Like I said, he has a temper.
I have discovered since I posted last night, that he opened up some hookup sites over the years when he was still married to his wife. I have seen his profile. Seeking a playmate. It is definitely him.
Another hookup site he saved in an email folder he created. That is him as well. Why would you save your profile if it wasnt you? These accounts are no longer paid accounts. Only free access.
I also have access to this email he uses because he borrowed my phone one time to log in and check this account. He forgot that I still have access. I have not and will not confront him on this. It will do no good. He is who he is.
I also have access to his voicemail everytime someone leaves him a message. The email comes through on my phone.
He created a profile on a hookup site. He also sent, or thought he was, a reply back to a spam email address, telling this young girl he wants to hook up with her. Gave her his phone number!
I did confront him on these things and a few other situations I have found out about now. Of course he gave me some bs answers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 14
So, back to my original post. How do I get him out of my home without risk of being hurt or more angry outbursts?
That is why I suggested in steps. Tell him we need to live seperately, and get him to go that way, then dump him?
This isnt "love" in my book how he has treated me. Even though he asks for forgivness. The fact that he went online seeking playmates while he was married, and his wife going through cancer.
He has already done it to me now. He is not a, faithful, loyal man as he claims to be.
That is why I suggested in steps. Tell him we need to live seperately, and get him to go that way, then dump him?
This isnt "love" in my book how he has treated me. Even though he asks for forgivness. The fact that he went online seeking playmates while he was married, and his wife going through cancer.
He has already done it to me now. He is not a, faithful, loyal man as he claims to be.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by sunnygirl17 
So, back to my original post. How do I get him out of my home without risk of being hurt or more angry outbursts?
.
.
how many months has he been living there?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Can you call the police and have them escort him out?
Don't try to do this on your own, he may be dangerous. If family can rally around and the police do the work, get him out and change the locks.
You may need to get a restraining order.
None of this is good for your son, please do this as soon as possible, but do it safely.
Don't try to do this on your own, he may be dangerous. If family can rally around and the police do the work, get him out and change the locks.
You may need to get a restraining order.
None of this is good for your son, please do this as soon as possible, but do it safely.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 52
step 1: Find a lawyer in your area that gives free consultation meetings. Ask them what your options are because if he claims he lives there, he may go to the police and say you didn't give him a proper eviction notice. The laws are different in each state and he may or may not have the right to do this depending on different circumstances. You could also just try to research the laws in your state or just talk to the police about the situation. I found this for Connecticut by searching "Rights of long term guests in private home" : https://www.cga.ct.gov/2010/rpt/2010-R-0069.htm
Step 2: Go to police station get a restraining order. Step 3: Eviction or Put his stuff on the stoop and change the locks. Step 4: Work on you and your child's happiness.
Step 2: Go to police station get a restraining order. Step 3: Eviction or Put his stuff on the stoop and change the locks. Step 4: Work on you and your child's happiness.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
if you are scared for your safety- see police- talk to legal aid, see a counsellor- women's support. Otherwise weeks turns into months into years. Keep osting. Empathy and support to you. PJ
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 14
I have an order of protection ready to be served. As soon as he shows up, I am calling 911 and having him served.
Everyone is concerned this guy is not going to just go away after he is served. Please pray he does but my gut tells me otherwise. I am having a security and alarm system installed after he is gone.
I am not even answering the door when he knocks. Just grabbing my phone and making the call.
I have family and friends standing behind me and will support me with whatever I need.
I will never put myself in this position again. Lesson learned.
I had no idea he used. He put on a big front for everyone over the years.
Everyone is concerned this guy is not going to just go away after he is served. Please pray he does but my gut tells me otherwise. I am having a security and alarm system installed after he is gone.
I am not even answering the door when he knocks. Just grabbing my phone and making the call.
I have family and friends standing behind me and will support me with whatever I need.
I will never put myself in this position again. Lesson learned.
I had no idea he used. He put on a big front for everyone over the years.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 177
I think it might be better to take a proactive approach, rather than to wait for him to come to the house and call 9-1-1. You'll be on pins and needles wondering when that might happen.
Can you plan to have him served during a time when you can have someone home with you. Does he have a job? Can he be served elsewhere?
Time to take back some control. Look into your options and plan it the best you can.
Can you plan to have him served during a time when you can have someone home with you. Does he have a job? Can he be served elsewhere?
Time to take back some control. Look into your options and plan it the best you can.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 14
Unfortunately, I do not know where he is. He took off 2 days ago. If I knew where he was, I would have definitely done that by now.
I will be okay. Just carry on my day doing what I normally do(smiling) and when he shows up, make the call.
All I can do. But, I have the neighbors on the lookout, as well as my ex-husband who only lives 1.4 miles from us. I will be okay.
This is almost over for ME!
I will be okay. Just carry on my day doing what I normally do(smiling) and when he shows up, make the call.
All I can do. But, I have the neighbors on the lookout, as well as my ex-husband who only lives 1.4 miles from us. I will be okay.
This is almost over for ME!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Pack all of his stuff in boxes and leave them in your garage. Also let the police know about a possible outstanding warrant, that you are scared of him and no longer want him in your home. Once he is served with a protective order and attempts to contact you or come back to the home, he can be arrested.
I'm guessing he was an addict long before his wife passed away and I'm guessing he'll remain one long after this relationship ends.
I'm guessing he was an addict long before his wife passed away and I'm guessing he'll remain one long after this relationship ends.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 14
Venting...Man, I wish he would show up already, so I can get this over with! Over 2 days now he has been gone. He messaged me via fb messenger at 11am yesterday saying he was on his way. No show. I never responded. This morning, I woke up to 2 text messages. The first 1 said I love you. Do you trippin.. The 2nd one he sent right after was So you are. I still love you. I never replied. Silence is golden! Make him sit and stew for what he has done to me. My ex husband said he probably knows this is it this time and you are kicking him out when he shows up. We shall see. I think he probably thinks he can weasel his way back in again like last time. But guess what? Not anymore. I really need to stay strong and do this. I will. I have my cheerleaders 
When this goes down with him being served and kicked off the property, my property, what should I do about his belongings? He has quite a few things here. Plus, his 3 little dogs. I feel sorry for them.
The order states no contact via any party. Should I wait until I get the calls from his daughters, asking what is going on, and tell them to come get his belongings and give them a week? Or should I call one of them right after he is removed and give her a heads up what to do? If I call first, then it looks like I am discussing our business.
Or, have the police tell him to have his daughters call me to make arrangements and nobody else will be acceptable to gather his dogs and belongings?
The one young daughter I feel has written him off. I was on her fb page for a few months and a month or so later, because her dad did not pay her the $ she loaned him to get his things out of storage, she deleted both of us. I have no hard feelings towards her. I hope she wasn't banking on me paying her back. She never confronted me about it.
She may want the furniture for non-payment. he can't try and get his hands on it and sell it. by being ordered to stay away from here. Or she may not give 2 craps because she is done with him. The last time his daughters' called to come over, (2 month agos), they didn't say much to us and when they got up to leave, they ignored me. I was like wow. You guys are always more friendly than this.
The older one does contact her father here and there. I think she feels sorry for him to a point and hasn't written him off.
When I tell them why I did this, they will be more mad at him, especially the older one. A while back, they both jumped him for how he was treating me(before he started doing all this in my post).
They both live in apartments and have roommates. I am not sure if they can even take the dogs. I wouldn't mind having them but once this decision is made, no turning back.
Ugh! I am stupid.
When this goes down with him being served and kicked off the property, my property, what should I do about his belongings? He has quite a few things here. Plus, his 3 little dogs. I feel sorry for them.
The order states no contact via any party. Should I wait until I get the calls from his daughters, asking what is going on, and tell them to come get his belongings and give them a week? Or should I call one of them right after he is removed and give her a heads up what to do? If I call first, then it looks like I am discussing our business.
Or, have the police tell him to have his daughters call me to make arrangements and nobody else will be acceptable to gather his dogs and belongings?
The one young daughter I feel has written him off. I was on her fb page for a few months and a month or so later, because her dad did not pay her the $ she loaned him to get his things out of storage, she deleted both of us. I have no hard feelings towards her. I hope she wasn't banking on me paying her back. She never confronted me about it.
She may want the furniture for non-payment. he can't try and get his hands on it and sell it. by being ordered to stay away from here. Or she may not give 2 craps because she is done with him. The last time his daughters' called to come over, (2 month agos), they didn't say much to us and when they got up to leave, they ignored me. I was like wow. You guys are always more friendly than this.
The older one does contact her father here and there. I think she feels sorry for him to a point and hasn't written him off.
When I tell them why I did this, they will be more mad at him, especially the older one. A while back, they both jumped him for how he was treating me(before he started doing all this in my post).
They both live in apartments and have roommates. I am not sure if they can even take the dogs. I wouldn't mind having them but once this decision is made, no turning back.
Ugh! I am stupid.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It might speed things up if you contact his oldest daughter and let her know what is going on. She's not responsible for his belonging or his dogs but a heads up in the event he reaches out to her for help she'll at least have another side of this story.
Might be worth reaching out to some animal shelters in your area to see if they might take the dogs in the event he goes to jail for a period of time. You may have to have the court do an order so that the animals get properly taken care of if he can't.
And as I mentioned above, pack his stuff up and put in out in your garage to have it already for whom ever is going to remove it.
Might be worth reaching out to some animal shelters in your area to see if they might take the dogs in the event he goes to jail for a period of time. You may have to have the court do an order so that the animals get properly taken care of if he can't.
And as I mentioned above, pack his stuff up and put in out in your garage to have it already for whom ever is going to remove it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 14
I am afraid if I call his children, they will warn him what I am up to.
The judge told me at the time I got the order, that I can do what I want with his things once he is served. There is no time limit to hold on to anything. Even the animals. They have gotten so dependent on me.
Others have told me to not call his children. Let the chips fall where they will. Why warn this guy you are kicking him out? He will never show up!
A while back, I mentioned something to the one daughter and she said she wouldnt say anything. A minute later, guess who is on the phone with their dad?
The judge told me at the time I got the order, that I can do what I want with his things once he is served. There is no time limit to hold on to anything. Even the animals. They have gotten so dependent on me.
Others have told me to not call his children. Let the chips fall where they will. Why warn this guy you are kicking him out? He will never show up!
A while back, I mentioned something to the one daughter and she said she wouldnt say anything. A minute later, guess who is on the phone with their dad?
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