AlcSis

I've feel weird posting here; I see so many here with family members using much "worse" drugs than pot.

Still, my son has wasted his life on pot. Started smoking when 15. He is now 40! No real job. No real skills or education. (He never wanted them.) MJ does stifle motivation. He is living proof.

Was hyperactive as a child; dxd as bipolar in 20's. Self medicating for years with pot. Never treated for bipolar
His dad - my ex - is bipolar and a dry alcoholic with no AA or other program.

Won't get help for mental health and is happy as a clam that pot is now legal in CA. (SAYS he is not addicted!!!!!)

Per a voice mail he wants to move back here - has been in another state for years. No job waiting here. Can't live with me. Nor his father. No friends will take him.
Neither his dad or I can help him financially.

He has called me twice in the past week. I did not answer. I have an autoimmune neurological disease that gets worse with stress. Just seeing his number stresses me!

I feel guilty. I have given up on him. He doesn't want to get help. I tried to get him help a few times. Now I really can't do anything for him.

I can not even listen to him because I feel sick listening to his lies, BS and pleas to help him move back near family. None who want anything to do with him. (So much chaos over the years).

I know I need to protect myself. Mentally I am fragile. Physically weak - and afraid of him. He physically hurt me many years ago.

And yet I still feel bad for him. I am his mother and I am a abandoning him.

Thanks for reading this long post. My anxiety has lessened writing this.

Hugs and peace to all.


PS. As for my user name/ I am also dealing with an alcoholic sister whom I posted about here a couple of yes ago.

Ann

You aren't giving up on him, you are simply taking good care of yourself and letting your 40 year old adult son learn to take care of himself...it's what we mothers do.

My son is lost in his addiction somewhere unknown, has been for years and years. If he showed up tomorrow on my door step, I would not allow him to stay because I cannot and will not do one more round of that chaos called addiction . He knows where real help is when he is ready. Until then, there is nothing I can do to save him and trying would ruin my health and life.

I help my son most by saying a prayer each morning, asking God to take care of him and do for him what I cannot.

Please don't feel guilty because you are taking care of your own health when he isn't even trying to take care of his.

It is painful to watch our children self-destruct, but they have choices and can reach out for real help anytime they are ready.

Hugs from one mama's heart to another's.

AlcSis

Ann,

A thousand thanks for your reply.

Your empathy has lightened my heavy heart. I don't have enough words or time or space in this post to tell you how much.

I have shared this latest "interaction" with my son with only one other person; ironically my son's father (my ex AH). He is now VERY seriously sick with Parkinson's and does not want anything to do with this son. I told him so that he would be on alert for a phone number he does not recognize. Stress is EXTREMELY bad for Parkinson's, and his own bipolar disease, for which he is also
now being treated for. He too tried to "help" this son (financially) for a few years. He can't anymore due to his own health (outrageously high RX costs for his diseases). His dad and I are on "okay" terms now. (He has asked me NOT to give his current phone number to this son. But you know how addicts are; our AS just MIGHT somehow find out his dad's phone number). Although we had our own issues, we tried our best when raising this son - we truly did!!

I have been to Alanon, (lots of alkies in my life). Found a sponsor a year ago, who sadly passed away recently, very suddenly. She was great, especially because due to my own health limitations, I often am unable to attend F2F meetings. Also, unfortunately, I live in a small community and found out that anonymity and details shared in meetings is not always respected by members of local 12 Step meetings. Grrrrrr........... So, I am very careful about what I divulge in meetings. That is why I posted here. (Ohhhh how I miss my wise sponsor.)

Thanks for speaking of praying for your son. I have slipped in this area. I need to get back to prayer and meditation.

This morning I will pray for my AS, his non addicted sibling (who wants nothing to do with his brother) and his father.

Also will pray for you, Dear Ann, and your son.

And for all the others who suffer from addictions - including family members. This IS a family disease.

Thanks again.

hopeful4

Hello. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

SR is a place of wonderful support. There are many here who completely understand. Please know, it's ok to have to love someone from afar because a relationship with them is just too toxic for yourself.

Hugs to you. Keep posting, you are not alone!

Ann

You and your ex each have your own health issues and it's probably a struggle to just take care of yourselves. You are both vulnerable to the dark side of addiction...stealing of money and medications, keeping drugs in the home endangering all who live there and just the upset of having a front row seat.

Our sons are adults who made bad choices. They know where real help is and can find it when they are ready.

My son knows I love him, good days and bad and even missing I know that he knows that. That's all I can do for him, love him and pray for him...and that is enough for any mother.

I hope you and your ex and all involved in this find peace with it all and do not feel responsible for taking care of someone who refuses to be responsible for themselves.

I am glad you have a program and support, even if you can't make meetings. Meetings saved my life and I carry the lessons with me today, a blessing I would never have known if my son had not danced with the devil called addiction.

Hugs

AlcSis

Thanks Hopeful for the welcome. Appreciate what you do here at SR.

Thanks Ann for mentioning the temptations of meds should our son enter our homes. Mine are pretty boring but who knows what they would do in excess. My son's dad - now that is another story. And he does keep a lot of cash on hand...... These things were not an issue years ago.

Today I also made a post in the Addicted to Marijuana forum. Just got my angst out about legalized pot here in California. Oh boy.....I have a sad feeling that forum will someday have many MANY more members.

Ann, I don't know that my son NOW knows or believes that I love him. He gets upset when I set or try to set boundaries.

When I have the strength and courage to answer one of his calls, I will make sure that I remind him that I still love him. I just don't and WON'T support his druggie, irresponsible life style.

I am praying PRAYING that he does not find the means to move back near where I, or his dad, or his brother and his small family live. (15 mile radius)

Hate to feel that way......
1). What a bad Mom I am !! (Says part of me)

2). What a strong, self (and family) protecting Mom I am!!(Says another part of me)

If he does move back; this forum may become my second home.

I am so grateful for the compassion and wisdom on this website.

Ann

There is a saying here "Love the addict, hate the disease".

My son understands that, I suspect he hates the disease too.

They are in the process of legalizing marijuana here in Canada too, the most recent Prime Minister ran with that as part of his platform. It makes me shudder, really it does. No good will come of this.

We're here for you any time you need to vent/share/ask questions or just join in the support of others going through the same thing.

Hugs