Not as strong as I thought
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Not as strong as I thought
I was never codependent before, I don't think. Not really. 2 months into this and I'm exhibiting all manner of messed up stuff and I can't figure out if this is a personality flaw on my part or just what happens to most any person in this kind of situation.
So AH was clean 8 years, relapsed for 2 weeks in February on crack. I kicked him out, let him back after 2 1/2 weeks. Stayed clean for 1 month, relapsed again for 2 days and now he's just over a week clean. Well, "clean". Before, he was drinking and smoking pot. He stopped drinking after the second relapse, but started smoking pot again last Friday to help with the urges. Went to 2 NA meetings last week, but can't now that he's smoking weed again. He almost went back out last night. He is not in recovery. He's trying to abstain, which means he's going to fail. He will relapse.
So my problem is that suddenly I have become a person who checks phone records online, checks to see if his keys are in the room instead of his pockets, searches his truck to look for paraphernalia, constantly assesses his behavior, obsess about what I'll do when he uses again, etc. I WAS NOT LIKE THIS before. This is NOT ME. Do you turn into a codependent person naturally in this situation? I mean, how do you love a spouse so much and not go utterly and completely insane in this situation?
I don't know if I'm depressed or being realistic. All right, depressed is a given. I read all these threads from years ago and I don't find much hope there. It's like one relapse trashes everyone's life because they don't tend to stop. You never get your marriage back. Your heart breaks, but you can't leave right to begin with because there really was a real relationship there and you're in shock. You can't process "it's over" on a dime. So we tend to stay until we are damaged trainwrecks. I don't think that I'm "addicted" to him, I think that I love him the way a wife loves her husband. I want to have hope and some moments I do, but I can't not see what I'm seeing and what I'm seeing is someone who really wants to go out and get high and who will do so.
I talked with him Saturday night about how he doesn't seem to be doing much work on himself and he seemed deeply hurt that I just assumed that he was going to relapse. Well yeah man, it was just a week ago that he had after swearing he never would again and then he picked up smoking dope again.
Thing is, what's the line between controlling behavior and looking out for my own best interest? I do legitimately need to know if he's texting his dealer again or getting high. I need to know if he's using for my own sake. But I am disrespecting him as an individual by snooping, aren't I? It's really his choice to go out and use and it's my choice to react to that appropriately. I don't want to lose respect for him and I don't want to control anyone. I guess I just don't want this to be happening. I don't want to lose him. I genuinely do love him.
I'm going to another NA meeting tonight because I clearly need it. It sucks though because I feel like sanity means detaching from him and isn't that just a step towards leaving him? There is no way that you can have a healthy marriage with someone if their actions and feelings don't cause you pain, is there? Oh hell, there is no healthy relationship where someone is struggling with the desire to throw it all away for crack. Who am I kidding?
God, I thought I was smarter than this. I guess not. I'm not special. I'm every devastated person who has ever posted in this forum.
So AH was clean 8 years, relapsed for 2 weeks in February on crack. I kicked him out, let him back after 2 1/2 weeks. Stayed clean for 1 month, relapsed again for 2 days and now he's just over a week clean. Well, "clean". Before, he was drinking and smoking pot. He stopped drinking after the second relapse, but started smoking pot again last Friday to help with the urges. Went to 2 NA meetings last week, but can't now that he's smoking weed again. He almost went back out last night. He is not in recovery. He's trying to abstain, which means he's going to fail. He will relapse.
So my problem is that suddenly I have become a person who checks phone records online, checks to see if his keys are in the room instead of his pockets, searches his truck to look for paraphernalia, constantly assesses his behavior, obsess about what I'll do when he uses again, etc. I WAS NOT LIKE THIS before. This is NOT ME. Do you turn into a codependent person naturally in this situation? I mean, how do you love a spouse so much and not go utterly and completely insane in this situation?
I don't know if I'm depressed or being realistic. All right, depressed is a given. I read all these threads from years ago and I don't find much hope there. It's like one relapse trashes everyone's life because they don't tend to stop. You never get your marriage back. Your heart breaks, but you can't leave right to begin with because there really was a real relationship there and you're in shock. You can't process "it's over" on a dime. So we tend to stay until we are damaged trainwrecks. I don't think that I'm "addicted" to him, I think that I love him the way a wife loves her husband. I want to have hope and some moments I do, but I can't not see what I'm seeing and what I'm seeing is someone who really wants to go out and get high and who will do so.
I talked with him Saturday night about how he doesn't seem to be doing much work on himself and he seemed deeply hurt that I just assumed that he was going to relapse. Well yeah man, it was just a week ago that he had after swearing he never would again and then he picked up smoking dope again.
Thing is, what's the line between controlling behavior and looking out for my own best interest? I do legitimately need to know if he's texting his dealer again or getting high. I need to know if he's using for my own sake. But I am disrespecting him as an individual by snooping, aren't I? It's really his choice to go out and use and it's my choice to react to that appropriately. I don't want to lose respect for him and I don't want to control anyone. I guess I just don't want this to be happening. I don't want to lose him. I genuinely do love him.
I'm going to another NA meeting tonight because I clearly need it. It sucks though because I feel like sanity means detaching from him and isn't that just a step towards leaving him? There is no way that you can have a healthy marriage with someone if their actions and feelings don't cause you pain, is there? Oh hell, there is no healthy relationship where someone is struggling with the desire to throw it all away for crack. Who am I kidding?
God, I thought I was smarter than this. I guess not. I'm not special. I'm every devastated person who has ever posted in this forum.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Colorado
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Deelilah, Wow! Certainly staying with an addictive that chooses his addiction would be hard. This is his story....he chose his addiction, he lost his relationship, he now has nothing. As painful as it sounds, I would boot him. He has to find his bottom as he will only destroy you with him if that is the direction he chooses. NA isn't effective because he hasn't embraced step one. You are ready and working sobriety, this is a step of making a stronger more stabile you. Sorry....
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Originally Posted by Deelilah 
I was never codependent before, I don't think. Not really. 2 months into this and I'm exhibiting all manner of messed up stuff and I can't figure out if this is a personality flaw on my part or just what happens to most any person in this kind of situation.
So AH was clean 8 years, relapsed for 2 weeks in February on crack. I kicked him out, let him back after 2 1/2 weeks. Stayed clean for 1 month, relapsed again for 2 days and now he's just over a week clean. Well, "clean". Before, he was drinking and smoking pot. He stopped drinking after the second relapse, but started smoking pot again last Friday to help with the urges. Went to 2 NA meetings last week, but can't now that he's smoking weed again. He almost went back out last night. He is not in recovery. He's trying to abstain, which means he's going to fail. He will relapse.
So my problem is that suddenly I have become a person who checks phone records online, checks to see if his keys are in the room instead of his pockets, searches his truck to look for paraphernalia, constantly assesses his behavior, obsess about what I'll do when he uses again, etc. I WAS NOT LIKE THIS before. This is NOT ME. Do you turn into a codependent person naturally in this situation? I mean, how do you love a spouse so much and not go utterly and completely insane ....
So AH was clean 8 years, relapsed for 2 weeks in February on crack. I kicked him out, let him back after 2 1/2 weeks. Stayed clean for 1 month, relapsed again for 2 days and now he's just over a week clean. Well, "clean". Before, he was drinking and smoking pot. He stopped drinking after the second relapse, but started smoking pot again last Friday to help with the urges. Went to 2 NA meetings last week, but can't now that he's smoking weed again. He almost went back out last night. He is not in recovery. He's trying to abstain, which means he's going to fail. He will relapse.
So my problem is that suddenly I have become a person who checks phone records online, checks to see if his keys are in the room instead of his pockets, searches his truck to look for paraphernalia, constantly assesses his behavior, obsess about what I'll do when he uses again, etc. I WAS NOT LIKE THIS before. This is NOT ME. Do you turn into a codependent person naturally in this situation? I mean, how do you love a spouse so much and not go utterly and completely insane ....
Being in a relationship with them eventually changes us too.
Don't beat yourself up too much. You entered that relationship with a clean slate and he changed.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Deelilah, all partners/parents/friends of addicts try what you're doing re: looking in his car, phone records etc... It's not that it's so wrong - he's put you in the position to be suspicious - it's that it won't work. When you find one hiding spot, he'll find another if he's determined to do so. My ex used to do a sweep of out apartment for bottles hidden various places. In my full obsession mode, I simply found more clever ways of hiding them (in the garbage room, etc). You'll just drive yourself crazy doing that.
He has to embrace the program and work on more.than just stopping, as you know. A dry drunk and a sober person are very different.
The fact that his drug of choice is illegal and results in many ODs puts you and your family at risk. This is a dangerous situation! Consider yourself and your own recovery above all else
He has to embrace the program and work on more.than just stopping, as you know. A dry drunk and a sober person are very different.
The fact that his drug of choice is illegal and results in many ODs puts you and your family at risk. This is a dangerous situation! Consider yourself and your own recovery above all else
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Deelilah...I think that every single one of us can relate to what you have shared. You have done nothing wrong...like VigilanceNow said...it is just that it doesn't work and drives us even more crazy.....
There comes a point when you have got to do what you know you have gotta do...and the first thing is to take care of yourself. It serves no one if you get swept into the destruction, also....
That is a hard truth, I know....
You will survive and get through this....
There comes a point when you have got to do what you know you have gotta do...and the first thing is to take care of yourself. It serves no one if you get swept into the destruction, also....
That is a hard truth, I know....
You will survive and get through this....
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I think you need to do one of the hardest things for a codependent to do, take it a day at a time, sometimes a moment at a time. Yes, if he is not taking care of himself he will relapse.
How about making a plan to put in place that you both go over, a relapse plan. That way you are both on the same page as to what happens if it does happen, and it will give you some thinking space to figure out just what you want if this continues.
Healing yourself and detatching is healthy. Self care is important. Doing what you are currently doing can and will make YOU crazy. You will end up as sick as him, just in a different way. Said from someone who has been there. Keep going to meetings. Get a counselor who specializes in helping families deal with addiction, and go, by yourself.
The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, is the definition of insanity.
You are in control of one person, you. You cannot control his actions, but you can put a plan in place and control your own reactions.
Tight hugs to you.
How about making a plan to put in place that you both go over, a relapse plan. That way you are both on the same page as to what happens if it does happen, and it will give you some thinking space to figure out just what you want if this continues.
Healing yourself and detatching is healthy. Self care is important. Doing what you are currently doing can and will make YOU crazy. You will end up as sick as him, just in a different way. Said from someone who has been there. Keep going to meetings. Get a counselor who specializes in helping families deal with addiction, and go, by yourself.
The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, is the definition of insanity.
You are in control of one person, you. You cannot control his actions, but you can put a plan in place and control your own reactions.
Tight hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You can check his phone records, look through his vehicle, watch where his keys are all you want BUT what if you find something then what? And what if you don’t find anything but his attitude and behavior tell you he’s using, then what?
See, it’s kind of pointless to search for proof of something if you have no idea what happens next.
NA is for addicts, not you unless of course you are also an addict. Al-anon, Nar-anon are for the friends and family of addicts for support for YOU.
Relapses are hard and one thing I learned is that they pick up right where they left off, no matter how many years he’s been clean. He’s been using one chemical or another since February and that’s of what you know, he could have relapsed prior to that. He’s 3 months into using again and coming up with excuses on why he can’t seek help……he says he can’t go to NA because he’s smoking pot again…that’s total BS and I hope you don’t buy into it.
I’d find an an-anon or nar-anon meeting in your area and begin seeking help and support for yourself. In the mean time do as much research as you can on addiction and addict behavior. Keep reading and posting here on SR.
See, it’s kind of pointless to search for proof of something if you have no idea what happens next.
NA is for addicts, not you unless of course you are also an addict. Al-anon, Nar-anon are for the friends and family of addicts for support for YOU.
Relapses are hard and one thing I learned is that they pick up right where they left off, no matter how many years he’s been clean. He’s been using one chemical or another since February and that’s of what you know, he could have relapsed prior to that. He’s 3 months into using again and coming up with excuses on why he can’t seek help……he says he can’t go to NA because he’s smoking pot again…that’s total BS and I hope you don’t buy into it.
I’d find an an-anon or nar-anon meeting in your area and begin seeking help and support for yourself. In the mean time do as much research as you can on addiction and addict behavior. Keep reading and posting here on SR.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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My personal experience:
I found more evidence by stepping away than I ever did snooping. My ex had me wrapped around his finger and I wanted so desperately to believe him that even if a positive drug test was staring me right in the face, I'd simply google "false positives" and cling to the 1% chance that it was wrong.
Sometimes we're just up too close to see the full picture.
I found more evidence by stepping away than I ever did snooping. My ex had me wrapped around his finger and I wanted so desperately to believe him that even if a positive drug test was staring me right in the face, I'd simply google "false positives" and cling to the 1% chance that it was wrong.
Sometimes we're just up too close to see the full picture.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Thank you all so much. Yeah, I meant Naranon, not NA for me. I'm reading all of this and taking it in. I think the hardest part is facing the reality that I have to change my relationship with my best friend (AH). We're so close. To have him as any sort of person that I have to protect myself from makes my head spin. My heart quails at the concept. Reality is what it is, though. I can't carry on as if we have the same marriage that we had a few months ago, because we don't. We never will again.
I am going to a Naranon meeting this evening. I think he's going to relapse again while I'm gone. He's awfully fidgety and I can tell the addiction is working on him. I think he hasn't gone out because I've been here. He has been afraid to go out because he fears that he'll make the wrong decision. If I stay home again and he stays in tonight but doesn't do any work on himself, he'll eventually relapse regardless. I can't stay home and police him. It's gonna happen regardless if he's not strong enough to resist. I can hold out some hope that as much as he says he doesn't want to use crack again, if he fails at recovering alone again maybe he'll take recovery more seriously. And maybe he won't. I have no control over this either way. I've just gotta figure out how to make that switch happen in my mind where it's possible to detach some.
I am going to a Naranon meeting this evening. I think he's going to relapse again while I'm gone. He's awfully fidgety and I can tell the addiction is working on him. I think he hasn't gone out because I've been here. He has been afraid to go out because he fears that he'll make the wrong decision. If I stay home again and he stays in tonight but doesn't do any work on himself, he'll eventually relapse regardless. I can't stay home and police him. It's gonna happen regardless if he's not strong enough to resist. I can hold out some hope that as much as he says he doesn't want to use crack again, if he fails at recovering alone again maybe he'll take recovery more seriously. And maybe he won't. I have no control over this either way. I've just gotta figure out how to make that switch happen in my mind where it's possible to detach some.
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Originally Posted by atalose
You can check his phone records, look through his vehicle, watch where his keys are all you want BUT what if you find something then what? And what if you don’t find anything but his attitude and behavior tell you he’s using, then what?
See, it’s kind of pointless to search for proof of something if you have no idea what happens next.
See, it’s kind of pointless to search for proof of something if you have no idea what happens next.
Have a DISCUSSION with an active addict. I mean...what? Would reasoning even be possible? What am I thinking? I could have a productive discussion with my husband for sure. Have had many. A discussion with a crack addict is another thing altogether, isn't it?
So yeah, what would I do is the question.
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you could bust a crack addict WITH the pipe in their HAND, and they'd deny it was even there. and certainly not THEIRS!
it's probably best you get yourself sorted out first. what are your limits? your boundaries? what would you need to happen in order to regain a sense of stability and calm?
i agree he isn't exactly taking the charge on meaningful, demonstrable, i can SEE it, recovery. he seems unsure or unwilling to close the barn door. he might be doubting that he can. he might be questioning if he really wants to. he might be thinking.....well hell, since i've already relapsed i might as well get the "most" out of it before i have to quit again. and then there's the crack monster that is now lurking right outside the window, tapping on the glass, whispering thru the opening, ready to hop in the car with him and go for a ride.
protect the finances and then try to remember that Using looks like Using - and you will know.
it's probably best you get yourself sorted out first. what are your limits? your boundaries? what would you need to happen in order to regain a sense of stability and calm?
i agree he isn't exactly taking the charge on meaningful, demonstrable, i can SEE it, recovery. he seems unsure or unwilling to close the barn door. he might be doubting that he can. he might be questioning if he really wants to. he might be thinking.....well hell, since i've already relapsed i might as well get the "most" out of it before i have to quit again. and then there's the crack monster that is now lurking right outside the window, tapping on the glass, whispering thru the opening, ready to hop in the car with him and go for a ride.
protect the finances and then try to remember that Using looks like Using - and you will know.
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Deelilah,
I used to refer to myself as a "situational codependent". I used to snoop everywhere too, for what I thought was protecting my son from himself.
In the long run I was wasting my time doing things that made me feel dirty and ugly.
Try to live in the here and now, and not in the forevers. He found his way back before, he knows the route. It's the limbo that's so hard on us.
I used to refer to myself as a "situational codependent". I used to snoop everywhere too, for what I thought was protecting my son from himself.
In the long run I was wasting my time doing things that made me feel dirty and ugly.
Try to live in the here and now, and not in the forevers. He found his way back before, he knows the route. It's the limbo that's so hard on us.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
you could bust a crack addict WITH the pipe in their HAND, and they'd deny it was even there. and certainly not THEIRS!
it's probably best you get yourself sorted out first. what are your limits? your boundaries? what would you need to happen in order to regain a sense of stability and calm?
i agree he isn't exactly taking the charge on meaningful, demonstrable, i can SEE it, recovery. he seems unsure or unwilling to close the barn door. he might be doubting that he can. he might be questioning if he really wants to. he might be thinking.....well hell, since i've already relapsed i might as well get the "most" out of it before i have to quit again. and then there's the crack monster that is now lurking right outside the window, tapping on the glass, whispering thru the opening, ready to hop in the car with him and go for a ride.
protect the finances and then try to remember that Using looks like Using - and you will know.
it's probably best you get yourself sorted out first. what are your limits? your boundaries? what would you need to happen in order to regain a sense of stability and calm?
i agree he isn't exactly taking the charge on meaningful, demonstrable, i can SEE it, recovery. he seems unsure or unwilling to close the barn door. he might be doubting that he can. he might be questioning if he really wants to. he might be thinking.....well hell, since i've already relapsed i might as well get the "most" out of it before i have to quit again. and then there's the crack monster that is now lurking right outside the window, tapping on the glass, whispering thru the opening, ready to hop in the car with him and go for a ride.
protect the finances and then try to remember that Using looks like Using - and you will know.
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Originally Posted by cece1960
Deelilah,
I used to refer to myself as a "situational codependent". I used to snoop everywhere too, for what I thought was protecting my son from himself.
In the long run I was wasting my time doing things that made me feel dirty and ugly.
Try to live in the here and now, and not in the forevers. He found his way back before, he knows the route. It's the limbo that's so hard on us.
I used to refer to myself as a "situational codependent". I used to snoop everywhere too, for what I thought was protecting my son from himself.
In the long run I was wasting my time doing things that made me feel dirty and ugly.
Try to live in the here and now, and not in the forevers. He found his way back before, he knows the route. It's the limbo that's so hard on us.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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it IS tough, darling. try as best you can to keep YOUR life as normal and on course as possible , ACT AS IF you are unphased and detached.
trust me, i've done all the snooping, bank account checking every five minutes, power phoning, ranting, yelling, threatening, hyperventilating, you name it. and what did i get for my troubles? not one damn thing. the neighbors may have been rather impressed with my "inside/outside" voice and how well it carried tho.
boundaries saved my bacon. still do!
trust me, i've done all the snooping, bank account checking every five minutes, power phoning, ranting, yelling, threatening, hyperventilating, you name it. and what did i get for my troubles? not one damn thing. the neighbors may have been rather impressed with my "inside/outside" voice and how well it carried tho.
boundaries saved my bacon. still do!
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My wife has been doing some "snooping " the last few days. Looking for the possibility I've been hiding wine or something else. I'm not a hiding person, but she is checking to see what she can find. I'm sure when I ran to get car parts early she was checking. Then she checked me when I came back. She is a classic co dependent. Short story.....there was nothing to find...on to day 11. Unless he commits to recovery.....you'll always be lacking trust and you will always find something.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
it IS tough, darling. try as best you can to keep YOUR life as normal and on course as possible , ACT AS IF you are unphased and detached.
trust me, i've done all the snooping, bank account checking every five minutes, power phoning, ranting, yelling, threatening, hyperventilating, you name it. and what did i get for my troubles? not one damn thing. the neighbors may have been rather impressed with my "inside/outside" voice and how well it carried tho.
boundaries saved my bacon. still do!
trust me, i've done all the snooping, bank account checking every five minutes, power phoning, ranting, yelling, threatening, hyperventilating, you name it. and what did i get for my troubles? not one damn thing. the neighbors may have been rather impressed with my "inside/outside" voice and how well it carried tho.
boundaries saved my bacon. still do!
I went to a really helpful Naranon meeting last night and my attitude was way improved when I got home. He wasn't high last night and I didn't need to snoop to know it. If he does use again, snooping won't be how I find out. If I can avoid doing stuff that makes me feel badly, I'll get through this a with a lot more peace.
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Originally Posted by SimplyFree
My wife has been doing some "snooping " the last few days. Looking for the possibility I've been hiding wine or something else. I'm not a hiding person, but she is checking to see what she can find. I'm sure when I ran to get car parts early she was checking. Then she checked me when I came back. She is a classic co dependent. Short story.....there was nothing to find...on to day 11. Unless he commits to recovery.....you'll always be lacking trust and you will always find something.
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I just smile and hope that I don't fall back into wine. That is her need, security, whatever, but I'm not doing this for her. This is my sobriety. I want this, her checking when I'm drinking is an irritant, but when I'm not....knock yourself out!
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