Not as strong as I thought

Old 05-05-2017, 09:09 AM
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I think the phone calls really depend on the rehabs. My XAH was allowed to be on the phone, ALOT. It was crazy, and my little codie self answered each and every call. Such a mistake.

As far as the last hurrah, expect the worst, hope and pray for the best.

Breathe, it's a moment at a time friend.
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Old 05-05-2017, 09:26 AM
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Thanks! I'm trying not to be on edge about it, but of course I am. I tried to figure out last night why I care so much if he does a last hurrah. One reason is very legit. Either his daughter or my kids will be here from now until he leaves Monday, and I am so not okay with him being high with any kids in the house. Or high in the house. Or high outside in the shop. Or high in my life, lol. Okay, so I'm not cool with being adjacent to him being high on crack. It's his choice, certainly. There are a million places to be that aren't where any of us are if he wants to do that. I don't have to live with it and I refuse to stand by while kids live with it.
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Old 05-05-2017, 09:47 AM
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sending you hugs and strength for the upcoming weekend. i appreciate how you have kept your sense of humor throughout this craziness!!!

watch out for milk runs, cat litter runs, box of 3 penny nail runs......
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Old 05-05-2017, 11:10 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
sending you hugs and strength for the upcoming weekend. i appreciate how you have kept your sense of humor throughout this craziness!!!

watch out for milk runs, cat litter runs, box of 3 penny nail runs......
I appreciate it! If I didn't find some way to laugh about it, all I'd do is cry. Yeah, I'm just going to assume the worst every time he so much as walks outside and looks at his truck this weekend. I'll be gone for a few hours Sunday, so that's the most likely time anyhow. Ah well, it is what it is.
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Old 05-05-2017, 01:13 PM
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Thank you for the condolences. Just want to say you're doing a great job by letting your AH find his own way out of this, if he wants to.

What I've learnt is that you can't beg, nag or threat an addict into recovery. If they want to they'll do it, if not they won't, and it's extremely tragic we can't do anything about it. Even if they go to rehab they can relapse anytime. Unfortunately there are no gurantees with an addict.

I wish I could have done something to save my AH, but by reading posts and by the support of great people on here I've learnt that what I did, didn't do wouldn't have mattered. What matters is the addicts will/lack of will to engage in recovery.

You're doing the right thing.You're a smart and brave woman.Take care of yourself Deelilah
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Old 05-05-2017, 01:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Sodevastated View Post
Thank you for the condolences. Just want to say you're doing a great job by letting your AH find his own way out of this, if he wants to.

What I've learnt is that you can't beg, nag or threat an addict into recovery. If they want to they'll do it, if not they won't, and it's extremely tragic we can't do anything about it. Even if they go to rehab they can relapse anytime. Unfortunately there are no gurantees with an addict.

I wish I could have done something to save my AH, but by reading posts and by the support of great people on here I've learnt that what I did, didn't do wouldn't have mattered. What matters is the addicts will/lack of will to engage in recovery.

You're doing the right thing.You're a smart and brave woman.Take care of yourself Deelilah
Thank you! I think I need to hear that sometimes. I'm an absolute mess with a veneer of keeping it together right now. I feel almost cold, but I know there's a storm of grief being caged by that wall while I'm still in the midst of it. I feel like if I'm not careful keeping that wall up, I'll just break down completely. I'm kind of looking forward to my first moment alone in this house where I can let it all hit me and move further through some of this. It's just a tragedy of epic proportions for everyone when someone has an addiction problem. Them, us, everyone in our lives. My family, his family, our kids, our friends...there's so much wreckage and it hasn't even gotten really bad yet. I hope rehab helps him regain himself and that while he's gone, the rest of us wrecked people can support one another. You have experienced the pain that we all fear so much. You survived it. That gives me hope, if all this goes south. You inspire me.
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Old 05-05-2017, 01:54 PM
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There's nothing weird about you feeling like you're going to break down. Your situation makes you fragile. Anyone in your situation would have felt the same. We become sick being with an addict because that's not a normal way of living. It's extremely exhausting and stressful. I worried when my AH was alive, a lot, always afraid he was going to relapse, which he did.

It's okay to break down, we would get crazy if we didn't. I too believe it's a good thing that you will be on your own with the rest of the family when your AH leaves for rehab. It will give you time to feel what you're feeling, cry, shout, rest and think. You'll probably think a lot. Try to take one day at a time,or even a moment at a time and try not to think that much ( or at all) about what if he doesn't make it? What if....? Or I should or I could. It will do you no good. Those thoughts have been killing me since my AH died. If it goes south, you will make it. I thought I wouldn't when my AH died but I have because I have to, because of my son. I wouldn't call it living, only surviving since I'm terribly depressed. But you will make it no matter what, surviving day by day, moment by moment.

I'm glad you feel inspired by me because it gives you strength to know you can do it, no matter what your AH decides to do with his life.

Hugs to you
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Old 05-07-2017, 07:59 AM
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sunday check in!!!
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Old 05-07-2017, 01:40 PM
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Oh, it has been just a fantastic weekend. Couldn't be better. Geez. I know it's hard to be a grown-up. Lord knows I know it is. Let's see, so far:

Act I: My ex shows up to pick up my kids for the weekend Friday. While we're waiting on them to get ready, he tells me about this synthetic pot kind of thing he buys legally at the convenience store that really helped with his pain from shingles. I have no idea what he's talking about. Must be some newfangled thing the kids are doing. 50-year-old kids, nowadays, I tell you. You never know what they're getting into. This man is 7 years older than me. I married him way back in my 20s because I was impressed at how much of an adult he was. HA HA HA HA HA.

Act II: My lovely 15-year-old stepdaughter arrives for the weekend. Which surprised me some, because I know her mom must know what's going on. So why send her here? Anyhow, I find out in the first 30 minutes that last weekend her stepfather hit her mom and she was involved in a literal tug-of-war with this violent punk over her 5-year-old little brother to keep him from taking the kid and driving off. I'm thinking "Holy crap, that is NOT a safe environment for this child! I have got to tell my husband that we need to keep her here and fight for custod....wait, her dad is a CRACKHEAD. THIS is not a safe environment for her! For god's sake, can she not have ONE SANE PARENT?!? Neither of those fools deserve her. At least her mom stopped hitting her a few years ago. If there was any decency in her mom or dad, they'd at the very least start a fund for her future therapy needs, because she is surely going to require a good decade of that. I didn't even bother to tell him this because he would have just used it as an excuse to go get crack. While she was here. Because that will help.

Act III: Since my AH was too embroiled in his own self-loathing and depression to be a real father on Saturday, I took my stepdaughter out for the afternoon and we laughed and talked and had a much needed good time. When we got home, she really wanted all of us to go out to eat, particularly her dad since she wanted some time with him. He reluctantly agreed, and we went to Ruby Tuesday and proceeded to have the most uncomfortable meal I've had in a while. He barely spoke, complained that no food was good without beer and ordered himself some green beans that he also said didn't taste good. I watched this child try to make everything light and happy and got more and more enraged by the moment.

I could feel my "everything is fine" mask slipping on the way home, so as soon as we got there I walked outside for a few so that I wouldn't lose my **** in front of his child. While I was doing so, he told his daughter that he was going for a drive because he had upset me. I saw him leave and texted him "I am not an excuse" and he actually came back. Shocking. He pretended to be a human for the rest of the evening and we all watched a movie. See, when you're a crackhead, the appropriate response to hurting your loved ones is to go get high. Because that helps everyone.

Act IV: Today, I drove to go get my kids and he took his home. When I got home, I saw his truck wasn't here. I texted and asked if he were buying some. He said he was. I told him I would not have the kids around this ****, he said maybe I should make arrangements just in case. I told him I would not put them out of their home and not to come back here tonight. I do not deserve this and neither do they.

I HATE HIM. HATE. HATE HATE HATE. Can't be there for his child who really needs him right now, doesn't give the first sliver of a damn about me. I do not deserve this. His daughter does not deserve this. My kids do not deserve this. Hell, my DOGS do not deserve this. Right now he doesn't deserve to breathe the air with my f@cking GUINEA PIG.

I know it's a disease, I know he isn't an abominable person deep down, I know I know I know. But I don't care right now. I can't find it in me to do anything but hate. I am so tired of this. He can get his ass on an airplane tomorrow or just get his ass out of my life. I don't care which at the moment. Just so long as I don't have to see him.

Hey, isn't this cute...this is the love of my life I'm talking about here. Insanity.
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Old 05-07-2017, 02:31 PM
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UGH. i am so sorry you have so much insanity to deal with. i'm glad you had some good time with the step-D, that poor kid.

your AH is being a complete self-absorbed jackass. you did the right thing, the ONLY thing....refusing him access to the house and kids if he's going to get high. his mind is far far away from the life right in front of him. now seeking other ways to get high - synthetic pot has been around and it's nothing to mess with. but he's turned into a "more" monster.

it's ok to be angry. VERY angry. not all of his actions can just be written off to the disease. and he "could" be taking steps NOW to deal.

so i guess plan B and maybe C remain in place? even IF he gets on the plane, that is no guarantee he's going to get into recovery and stay there. even IF he completes treatment, coming right back home is probably not the best idea. he has some "proving" to do. in my opinion anyways....

does he have his suitcase and plane ticket?
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Old 05-07-2017, 02:55 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
UGH. i am so sorry you have so much insanity to deal with. i'm glad you had some good time with the step-D, that poor kid.

your AH is being a complete self-absorbed jackass. you did the right thing, the ONLY thing....refusing him access to the house and kids if he's going to get high. his mind is far far away from the life right in front of him. now seeking other ways to get high - synthetic pot has been around and it's nothing to mess with. but he's turned into a "more" monster.

it's ok to be angry. VERY angry. not all of his actions can just be written off to the disease. and he "could" be taking steps NOW to deal.

so i guess plan B and maybe C remain in place? even IF he gets on the plane, that is no guarantee he's going to get into recovery and stay there. even IF he completes treatment, coming right back home is probably not the best idea. he has some "proving" to do. in my opinion anyways....

does he have his suitcase and plane ticket?
The synthetic pot is my ex husband's thing. That's my kids' father. So I have another thing to worry about. Good, because I was really lacking in that area, lol.

Yeah, self-absorbed jackass is the perfect description. Along with a number of other epithets that I've come up with as I sit here. I know that someone in active addiction is by nature selfish, but good lord, is he looking to win a prize or something? He has been a self-absorbed jackass with me lately, but I think watching him behave that way around his kid REALLY got to me. I don't know if it's just that he just doesn't have the coping skills to refuse a craving right now or he is doing that last hurrah and got his daughter out of the way early so that he could plan it. I mean, he didn't give a damn about my two kids being here during his romance with crack this evening, so screw him. No, this was planned. Gee, sounds like he really wants help, doesn't it? What, does he think that rehab is going to perform some magic spell on him to make him really want to quit? Like they can "fix" him and until then he just gets to behave like an addict who doesn't give a crap about anything?

I had been thinking that, whether or not he should actually come home after rehab. And though his suitcase is mostly packed and I have seen the plane ticket, I am far from certain that he's boarding that plane tomorrow. Well whatever, he needs that suitcase packed anyway. Him using again was my dealbreaker. I guess since he's got rehab lined up, he figures he can get away with it without me enforcing that boundary. I tell you, right now I don't want to be married to this person. I don't know what he did with my husband, but I do miss that man. Maybe if he doesn't come out of this, I'll have a private fake funeral for the man I married so that I can get some fake closure.

Hee hee, how did you know I had a Plan C too? Plan B is my first choice, Plan C is my fallback. I even have a Plan D just in case. I am not helpless, thank goodness.
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Old 05-07-2017, 03:09 PM
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I'm really sorry this all transpired for you this weekend. I really do hope he gets on a plane tomorrow and that you get some well needed space. And time to think about your plan B,C and D. I am proud of you for sticking to your boundary and not allowing him to return to the home tonight.

As for your kids father is this something new with him using synthetic pot/spice or is an old addiction rearing it's ugly head?
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Old 05-07-2017, 04:00 PM
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yeah i get him being on edge....BUT......time and place, dude.

ya know i'm thinking there had to be more going on his head for quite some time for him to get to HERE. this isn't the time to dissect it, of course.

so how are the kids? are you having any talks with them? are they asking any questions? even IF it seems that some or most of them is sailing over their heads, they know in their marrow something is not right.

you're going to need some F2F support too. you don't have to figure any of this out today, today is for standing your ground and trying to keep things as normal as possible INSIDE the home. you are obviously a very independent strong woman with a clear sense of things....but you are also a wife and a mom and watching someone you thought you knew change before your eyes. that can really mess with your head after a while!!!
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Old 05-07-2017, 04:16 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
I'm really sorry this all transpired for you this weekend. I really do hope he gets on a plane tomorrow and that you get some well needed space. And time to think about your plan B,C and D. I am proud of you for sticking to your boundary and not allowing him to return to the home tonight.

As for your kids father is this something new with him using synthetic pot/spice or is an old addiction rearing it's ugly head?
Oh crap, that's what spice is? Lord have mercy, lol. My kids' father is a total pothead. Doesn't drink or anything, just a pothead. Not an ideal situation for sure. If he's going to develop more of a problem, I guess I have more fun ahead of me. I swear, if I win the lottery, my kids and I are moving to an island just to get away from this nonsense.

Yeah, he needs to get on that plane. He needs to get out of my face for a while at the very least.
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Old 05-07-2017, 04:27 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
yeah i get him being on edge....BUT......time and place, dude.

ya know i'm thinking there had to be more going on his head for quite some time for him to get to HERE. this isn't the time to dissect it, of course.

so how are the kids? are you having any talks with them? are they asking any questions? even IF it seems that some or most of them is sailing over their heads, they know in their marrow something is not right.

you're going to need some F2F support too. you don't have to figure any of this out today, today is for standing your ground and trying to keep things as normal as possible INSIDE the home. you are obviously a very independent strong woman with a clear sense of things....but you are also a wife and a mom and watching someone you thought you knew change before your eyes. that can really mess with your head after a while!!!
Yeah, he needs to figure out how he went from a loving and happy husband really proud of his life and accomplishments to being whatever he is now.

The kids are okay. His daughter knows what's going on. She's not dumb. She's hurt, but she's so used to instability in life that she took it better than she should be able to. That is so sad. My kids knew from close to the beginning (they're 16 and 12) because my AH's niece heard from her dad and felt the need to tell them both before I had a chance to talk to them. So since they started from a period of knowing the whole deal, I have been honest with them the whole way through. Well, appropriately honest, I think, lol. I don't rage about hating him this evening, for example, but they know why he isn't home. I don't like it that I can't tell them whether we'll be living here in a month or not. It's not fair that they have uncertainty hanging over their heads. My daughter is the 12-year-old. She loves my AH and is really hurt. My son didn't bond with him as closely, so he's only really concerned about my well-being. Sweet of him. Sons can be great. I try to not have this rule their lives, but I know that there's no way it doesn't affect them more than it should. That's the biggest reason that things cannot go on this way. They seriously do not deserve it. They're hostages to my choices.

My head is very much messed up already. I try to act like I've got it together, but inside is a wreck. I think I know intellectually what I'm dealing with, but the emotions just haven't caught up yet. They're all over the place. I started a fire in our fire pit this evening and burned some wedding pictures...I know, really mature, lol. It made me feel better to get some of the anger out that way. I'm a big fan of sitting by a fire and thinking.

I plan to spend lots of quality time at Naranon meetings for a long while. I always feel better after one of those. It's like being here but in person. They all know exactly what it's like. You guys are a tremendous support and I don't know that I'd be half as sane without you. This forum was the best thing I've found.
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Old 05-07-2017, 04:58 PM
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totally hear ya on the photos. whatever it takes!

one time when i was mad beyond belief at hank, i took the photo of us standing together by the goal post at LAMBEAU FIELD, and tore it in two right in front of his stupid face. he bleeds green and gold as a wisconsin boy should so it was pretty much a cardinal sin.

DID.NOT.CARE. we still have both pieces.

i am so glad you have found Naranon and you LIKE it.
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Old 05-07-2017, 05:07 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
totally hear ya on the photos. whatever it takes!

one time when i was mad beyond belief at hank, i took the photo of us standing together by the goal post at LAMBEAU FIELD, and tore it in two right in front of his stupid face. he bleeds green and gold as a wisconsin boy should so it was pretty much a cardinal sin.

DID.NOT.CARE. we still have both pieces.

i am so glad you have found Naranon and you LIKE it.
Ha ha, good for you! I am in that place mentally right now. Had he been here, he could have watched and gotten a no doubt really impressive (albeit pointless) speech from me as I burned the photos. I have pleeeenty to say. I know it would be wasted on him, but oh boy I do have lots of pretty strong opinions right now.

I'm cooking dinner for kids. Something that he would know NOTHING ABOUT considering he decided that the best way to spend the last night we're together for a month is on crack. We've never been apart this long and I never thought I'd be utterly thrilled at the idea of us being apart so long. I hope he's having just a great time. Whoo hoo party. He can eff off. Whatever. Tomorrow he'll be soooo depressed, poor baby. That's assuming he hasn't pawned a couple of guns or something and has enough money to get through all day tomorrow and miss rehab "because he got high, because he got high, because he got hiiiigh".

When in the hell do I get to be narcissistic and irresponsible and not care about anything?!? Oh, that would be never. Screw him.
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Old 05-07-2017, 05:13 PM
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Man, to hell with this. This is not a marriage. This is not even a friendship.
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Old 05-07-2017, 05:19 PM
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I'm sorry, sweetie. Sending you a hug.
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Old 05-07-2017, 05:30 PM
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get it out, hon. sometimes when we just let it all flow out, we find some surprising nuggets of information.....i'm not suggesting you take an ax to anything....but vent away!!! you could go out to your fire and "tell" him what's on your mind.....it's never really about them HEARING it, it's about us having a VOICE.
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