Not as strong as I thought
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It's funny, the first time I snooped it was because I already knew he was high and didn't want to believe it without evidence. I found evidence and still wanted to believe his excuse. You just know without needing all that evidence, don't you?
I’m glad you went to a nar-anon meeting! Keep focusing on you and getting yourself strong and focused on having to make hard decisions and the ability to stick to them.
It’s too easy to get caught up in the cycle of catching them, believing them, catching them, believing them. That becomes a whole new life of its own. Like being in a car without gas, you can stay as long as you want but it’s never going to go anywhere except exactly where it’s at.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Originally Posted by atalose 
Yeah we know but looking for all that evidence buys us time. If we fill our time with snooping, checking and re-checking it keeps us from having to think about or deal with what comes next and decisions we need to make for ourselves but are not ready to make yet. And then believing their excuses buys us even more time.
I’m glad you went to a nar-anon meeting! Keep focusing on you and getting yourself strong and focused on having to make hard decisions and the ability to stick to them.
It’s too easy to get caught up in the cycle of catching them, believing them, catching them, believing them. That becomes a whole new life of its own. Like being in a car without gas, you can stay as long as you want but it’s never going to go anywhere except exactly where it’s at.
I’m glad you went to a nar-anon meeting! Keep focusing on you and getting yourself strong and focused on having to make hard decisions and the ability to stick to them.
It’s too easy to get caught up in the cycle of catching them, believing them, catching them, believing them. That becomes a whole new life of its own. Like being in a car without gas, you can stay as long as you want but it’s never going to go anywhere except exactly where it’s at.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I think back to all the times I was Codie Detective...and I was very very good at it..and I knew I would find drugs or evidence of using, but I already KNEW that in my heart. I think what I was really searching for was my son, the loving, kind, funny, respectful young man that I lost when addiction took over. I saw glimpses of him over the years but with each relapse I lost a little more....and searched a little less.
Meetings helped me find my balance, I hadn't realized it but as I was losing my son, I was slowing losing that person called "me" and that was very frightening to discover that I didn't even know who I was anymore.
In the end I had to accept that I couldn't save my son. He knew where real help was when he was ready. But I could save myself and each morning in prayer I ask God to do for my son what I cannot.
I pray for your husband too, many do find their way back. He has tasted sobriety and I suspect will want it again one day.
Take care of yourself, keep making a plan and I think you will know when it's time to go or when recovery starts looking like recovery again.
Hugs
Meetings helped me find my balance, I hadn't realized it but as I was losing my son, I was slowing losing that person called "me" and that was very frightening to discover that I didn't even know who I was anymore.
In the end I had to accept that I couldn't save my son. He knew where real help was when he was ready. But I could save myself and each morning in prayer I ask God to do for my son what I cannot.
I pray for your husband too, many do find their way back. He has tasted sobriety and I suspect will want it again one day.
Take care of yourself, keep making a plan and I think you will know when it's time to go or when recovery starts looking like recovery again.
Hugs
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Ugh, I'm not great. I think I absorbed every single thing I knew intellectually on Friday. I don't matter to him right now. Nothing I say or do matters. I'm just a consequence. Best case scenario, I'm a footnote in his recovery story. Worst case, I'm just one of the things he lost before he died of this mess. He blew off work and used again Friday. Saturday he said he doesn't think that he has another recovery in him if he has to hit bottom. That he'll make sure not to survive it. He binged again today. So I asked him to leave for a few weeks so that I could get a place for me and the kids and then he could have the house back. He said he'd probably lose it anyway, and I agreed that was almost certainly true. He packed and left.
So there I was not 20 minutes ago, mourning what we've lost and yet feeling a great weight lifted off of me not having to worry about crack for a few hours. Yes, worrying about him and heartbroken for sure, but at least with a direction and a purpose in mind. And then he pulls back in the yard saying that he couldn't find a place to stay (he didn't even call his friends that he stayed with before) and that he'll be out in the shop and stay out of my hair tonight. Finding a place tomorrow. OMG. Maybe he just can't show up at our friends' place clearly high on crack. I have got to get off of this ride. I won't survive it. It is pure insanity. Cruel cruel insanity.
So there I was not 20 minutes ago, mourning what we've lost and yet feeling a great weight lifted off of me not having to worry about crack for a few hours. Yes, worrying about him and heartbroken for sure, but at least with a direction and a purpose in mind. And then he pulls back in the yard saying that he couldn't find a place to stay (he didn't even call his friends that he stayed with before) and that he'll be out in the shop and stay out of my hair tonight. Finding a place tomorrow. OMG. Maybe he just can't show up at our friends' place clearly high on crack. I have got to get off of this ride. I won't survive it. It is pure insanity. Cruel cruel insanity.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Originally Posted by Ann
I think back to all the times I was Codie Detective...and I was very very good at it..and I knew I would find drugs or evidence of using, but I already KNEW that in my heart. I think what I was really searching for was my son, the loving, kind, funny, respectful young man that I lost when addiction took over. I saw glimpses of him over the years but with each relapse I lost a little more....and searched a little less.
Meetings helped me find my balance, I hadn't realized it but as I was losing my son, I was slowing losing that person called "me" and that was very frightening to discover that I didn't even know who I was anymore.
In the end I had to accept that I couldn't save my son. He knew where real help was when he was ready. But I could save myself and each morning in prayer I ask God to do for my son what I cannot.
I pray for your husband too, many do find their way back. He has tasted sobriety and I suspect will want it again one day.
Take care of yourself, keep making a plan and I think you will know when it's time to go or when recovery starts looking like recovery again.
Hugs
Meetings helped me find my balance, I hadn't realized it but as I was losing my son, I was slowing losing that person called "me" and that was very frightening to discover that I didn't even know who I was anymore.
In the end I had to accept that I couldn't save my son. He knew where real help was when he was ready. But I could save myself and each morning in prayer I ask God to do for my son what I cannot.
I pray for your husband too, many do find their way back. He has tasted sobriety and I suspect will want it again one day.
Take care of yourself, keep making a plan and I think you will know when it's time to go or when recovery starts looking like recovery again.
Hugs
I am still amazed that the man I married is nowhere to be found. He's gone and there's a stranger in his place. I wouldn't wish this hell on anybody. And yeah, I've lost a lot of myself in this. Just over 2 months in and I'm already seriously damaged. I barely feel like a human. I'll need to hit the meetings hard this week.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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ah Dee, i am so sorry. even if it doesn't feel like it, you have maintained a pretty clear sense of what you are up against, and what you need to do.
the problem with addiction is that even when the addict is NOT using, the disease progresses. that's why relapses, especially after a lengthy period of clean time, can be so hard to get out of. and recovery can SEEM impossible to commit to again.
while it is not up to you to create consequences FOR him, you must enforce boundaries for your own sanity. dad shouldn't be out smoking crack in the shop with the kids around. kids shouldn't be around anyone high on crack. NO ONE should!!!
it totally sucx. but it is what it is. and must be dealt with. you didn't ask for this, sign up for this, or do anything to deserve this. for reasons that will never make sense, he made this choice with a clear and sober mind.
scares me spitless as a former crackhead.
i hate to suggest it, but you should probably consider a visit with an attorney. you have much to protect.
the problem with addiction is that even when the addict is NOT using, the disease progresses. that's why relapses, especially after a lengthy period of clean time, can be so hard to get out of. and recovery can SEEM impossible to commit to again.
while it is not up to you to create consequences FOR him, you must enforce boundaries for your own sanity. dad shouldn't be out smoking crack in the shop with the kids around. kids shouldn't be around anyone high on crack. NO ONE should!!!
it totally sucx. but it is what it is. and must be dealt with. you didn't ask for this, sign up for this, or do anything to deserve this. for reasons that will never make sense, he made this choice with a clear and sober mind.
scares me spitless as a former crackhead.
i hate to suggest it, but you should probably consider a visit with an attorney. you have much to protect.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
ah Dee, i am so sorry. even if it doesn't feel like it, you have maintained a pretty clear sense of what you are up against, and what you need to do.
the problem with addiction is that even when the addict is NOT using, the disease progresses. that's why relapses, especially after a lengthy period of clean time, can be so hard to get out of. and recovery can SEEM impossible to commit to again.
while it is not up to you to create consequences FOR him, you must enforce boundaries for your own sanity. dad shouldn't be out smoking crack in the shop with the kids around. kids shouldn't be around anyone high on crack. NO ONE should!!!
it totally sucx. but it is what it is. and must be dealt with. you didn't ask for this, sign up for this, or do anything to deserve this. for reasons that will never make sense, he made this choice with a clear and sober mind.
scares me spitless as a former crackhead.
i hate to suggest it, but you should probably consider a visit with an attorney. you have much to protect.
the problem with addiction is that even when the addict is NOT using, the disease progresses. that's why relapses, especially after a lengthy period of clean time, can be so hard to get out of. and recovery can SEEM impossible to commit to again.
while it is not up to you to create consequences FOR him, you must enforce boundaries for your own sanity. dad shouldn't be out smoking crack in the shop with the kids around. kids shouldn't be around anyone high on crack. NO ONE should!!!
it totally sucx. but it is what it is. and must be dealt with. you didn't ask for this, sign up for this, or do anything to deserve this. for reasons that will never make sense, he made this choice with a clear and sober mind.
scares me spitless as a former crackhead.
i hate to suggest it, but you should probably consider a visit with an attorney. you have much to protect.
Yeah, I'm going to call an attorney in the morning. Good lord what a pain in the butt this is going to be on top of all the emotional agony. I guess it's good that I do take advice and wisdom from those who have been there before me or I'd be in a much worse way with this. It makes no logical sense. There's a man wearing my husband's skin out in the shop covering the windows, pacing around searching the floor and turning lights off and on. Acting like a crazy person. My husband who bought this house for us and carried me over the threshold with so much pure joy is somewhere in that man, but he's unreachable. That is something seriously hard to come to terms with. I can't say that I totally have, but I'm leaning on the expertise of those who have been there because having read hundreds of posts on this site, I see that my story is far from unique. It's all the same. I can expect a lot of what comes next to have been what has gone before for others.
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It's the feeling of being discarded that hurts the most. Like all that we've been to one another has been invalidated. I see all the pictures on the wall and it kills me. Maybe I just need to take all of that down and not look at it. I don't even want the house because of the memories attacking me at every turn. I get the feeling that he's fine with losing me so that he doesn't have to worry about my feelings. He said that it would have been easier to go through this alone. Hell, me being out of the picture doesn't mean he isn't still hurting me, his daughter, my kids, both of our families...but he doesn't want to comprehend that reality.
I know that all of this meant a great deal to him at one time. I just don't have the off button that he has. It is torture to deal with this straight on.
I know that all of this meant a great deal to him at one time. I just don't have the off button that he has. It is torture to deal with this straight on.
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Later last night/this morning, says he's done with it, he doesn't want to die yet, he's scared and needs help. I have no idea what to believe anymore. He's tired of lying. Can't control the urges when they come and he's tired of it. Is afraid of changing his whole life and afraid that people won't like him. I suggested that being a crack addict isn't really raising anyone's opinion of him. Barely remembers that we essentially broke up yesterday. Says the disease got him badly yesterday.
I dunno. Is this common? Is it what you call quacking? Real or fake or no way anyone can know?
I dunno. Is this common? Is it what you call quacking? Real or fake or no way anyone can know?
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ah yes, the REMORSE - part of the crash. the dope is gone and now reality starts to creep back in.
IF he wants help, he knows where to go.....either trot off to the nearest NA meeting, admitting full surrender, or start looking up treatment centers and get himself checked in. anything short of immediate action on HIS part is just blowing smoke. sorry, lousy pun.
stand your ground. he simply cannot be allowed to use ON the property. he needs to get himself sorted for sure, but you don't NEED the insanity slinking around all peeked and tweeked.
IF he wants help, he knows where to go.....either trot off to the nearest NA meeting, admitting full surrender, or start looking up treatment centers and get himself checked in. anything short of immediate action on HIS part is just blowing smoke. sorry, lousy pun.
stand your ground. he simply cannot be allowed to use ON the property. he needs to get himself sorted for sure, but you don't NEED the insanity slinking around all peeked and tweeked.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
ah yes, the REMORSE - part of the crash. the dope is gone and now reality starts to creep back in.
IF he wants help, he knows where to go.....either trot off to the nearest NA meeting, admitting full surrender, or start looking up treatment centers and get himself checked in. anything short of immediate action on HIS part is just blowing smoke. sorry, lousy pun.
stand your ground. he simply cannot be allowed to use ON the property. he needs to get himself sorted for sure, but you don't NEED the insanity slinking around all peeked and tweeked.
IF he wants help, he knows where to go.....either trot off to the nearest NA meeting, admitting full surrender, or start looking up treatment centers and get himself checked in. anything short of immediate action on HIS part is just blowing smoke. sorry, lousy pun.
stand your ground. he simply cannot be allowed to use ON the property. he needs to get himself sorted for sure, but you don't NEED the insanity slinking around all peeked and tweeked.
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Thank you so much, Anvil! I'm not even sure right now that I want to try and work it out. I'm sure I'd have a different opinion after moving past some of the drama of yesterday and some sleep took place assuming he actually attempts recovery, but right now I'm just furious that we BROKE UP yesterday and he barely remembers it. This marriage that meant so much to both of us ended yesterday, but it only ended for me. I got to experience all of that alone. And that's just it. In the active addict mode, I am experiencing ALL of the relationship pain alone. It's like I'm married to a figment of my own imagination instead of a person. He actually got a laugh out of me this morning observing my attitude, saying that I don't handle chaos well. Am I supposed to handle chaos well? Who handles chaos well?? If I were handling chaos well, I'm pretty sure I'd need to be in a padded room somewhere. God help me, but I don't want to be a person who handles chaos well. I want to be a person who walks away from chaos out of self-preservation. I do not hate myself enough to deal with this. I don't have a foot out the door, I have an entire leg and most of my left hip.
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He's tired of lying. Can't control the urges when they come and he's tired of it. Is afraid of changing his whole life and afraid that people won't like him.
He actually got a laugh out of me this morning observing my attitude, saying that I don't handle chaos well. Am I supposed to handle chaos well?
The one thing I did want to share with you was, once you know you have that leg out the door the whole dynamics of living with an active addict changes. All of those emotions you have and hold can come boiling to the surface and his addiction will increase making the entire situation very volatile. As you said you do not recognize the man you married, the man he is today really is a stranger to you, and you just do not know what that stranger might be capable of. Much like in domestic violence situations, the leaving can be the most dangerous time.
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Originally Posted by atalose
Anvil is right, my ex used to do this all the time until he got high again. The words almost sound so genuine but the actions never match. And those conversations get forgotten, they don’t remember and swear they didn’t even say them.
I think they all must have been given an addict play book because my ex was notorious for saying “so what’s your problem” “oh, it isn’t that bad, things got a little crazy- just roll with it”.
The one thing I did want to share with you was, once you know you have that leg out the door the whole dynamics of living with an active addict changes. All of those emotions you have and hold can come boiling to the surface and his addiction will increase making the entire situation very volatile. As you said you do not recognize the man you married, the man he is today really is a stranger to you, and you just do not know what that stranger might be capable of. Much like in domestic violence situations, the leaving can be the most dangerous time.
I think they all must have been given an addict play book because my ex was notorious for saying “so what’s your problem” “oh, it isn’t that bad, things got a little crazy- just roll with it”.
The one thing I did want to share with you was, once you know you have that leg out the door the whole dynamics of living with an active addict changes. All of those emotions you have and hold can come boiling to the surface and his addiction will increase making the entire situation very volatile. As you said you do not recognize the man you married, the man he is today really is a stranger to you, and you just do not know what that stranger might be capable of. Much like in domestic violence situations, the leaving can be the most dangerous time.
Boy, crack does take people down fast, doesn't it? Both of us and I didn't even get to get high.
I don't think he'd be violent. At least he has no history of that in his previous active addiction years and he was with a woman who actually began beating him. His ex-wife dealt with it by chasing him around and beating the crap out of him when he was high. I don't worry about physical violence with him, but emotional insanity is possible enough. I'll be aware of potential, though, as you're right that I don't know this version of him. If the using increases in severity, who knows who or what he'll be?
He does seem to understand that he's insane right now. Yesterday morning he said that he felt even worse than the day before and I responded "I hate to tell you, but you're too old to be a crackhead." Was a smartass remark and not even in a mean tone of voice, but he says his addiction took that as an insult and ran with it to...buy some crack and binge all day because he was hurt that I referred to him as a crackhead, lol. I guess that showed me, huh?
He gets the madness of it intellectually. I don't know if he really internalizes it enough to matter, though.
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Was a smartass remark and not even in a mean tone of voice, but he says his addiction took that as an insult and ran with it to...buy some crack and binge all day because he was hurt that I referred to him as a crackhead, lol. I guess that showed me, huh?
My ex was never violent and also didn’t have a history of violence but I did in fact need to get a restraining order after I left because of his threats and extreme erratic behavior.
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but he says his addiction took that as an insult and ran with it to...buy some crack and binge all day because he was hurt that I referred to him as a crackhead,
insert seriously inappropriate snickering on my part. lordy, that is definitely QUACK worthy. and such a load of crap.
Yesterday morning he said that he felt even worse than the day before
ah yes, the day after the day after. i totally felt that but hank - geez - he'd just swan dive into the cesspool of despair and crawl around the bottom with it. but then come day 3 and suddenly it's all hey, that wasn't so bad, heck i'm feeling pretty darn good actually. and then the VOICE says........well then maybe we should get a little, eh? yeah yeah we should!! and we'd be making the call, convinced it will be different THIS time. and it was different all right, just not different BETTER.........different worse.
stand firm, dear Dee. review your plan B.
insert seriously inappropriate snickering on my part. lordy, that is definitely QUACK worthy. and such a load of crap.
Yesterday morning he said that he felt even worse than the day before
ah yes, the day after the day after. i totally felt that but hank - geez - he'd just swan dive into the cesspool of despair and crawl around the bottom with it. but then come day 3 and suddenly it's all hey, that wasn't so bad, heck i'm feeling pretty darn good actually. and then the VOICE says........well then maybe we should get a little, eh? yeah yeah we should!! and we'd be making the call, convinced it will be different THIS time. and it was different all right, just not different BETTER.........different worse.
stand firm, dear Dee. review your plan B.
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