Surprise! Your husband and father to your son is addicted to alcohol and cocaine
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Originally Posted by atalose 
Of course he says the problem is booze because he doesn’t want to give up the coke, typical addict tactic, get you to focus on the alcohol so that his true love (coke) can be protected.
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Originally Posted by LacyEnglish
I appreciate the honesty, like I said I am done being naive and I need to know whether i am in this or if I am getting out. So if he isn't serious, I am out. So I do appreciate it, whether its what I want to hear or not.
I guess I just have to wait it out for a couple weeks and see then I guess, see if he is making changes, see if he keeps coming to bed with me, see if he has unusual energy and dilated pupils.
The more I talk about it, the more I want out. I do not want to think about my husbands coke use every day. I do not want to have to take my son with me everywhere because I cant leave him with his father, I do not want to give up my entire life because I don't have a partner I have another person to take care of. If I have to live like a single mom, I might as well be.
I guess I just have to wait it out for a couple weeks and see then I guess, see if he is making changes, see if he keeps coming to bed with me, see if he has unusual energy and dilated pupils.
The more I talk about it, the more I want out. I do not want to think about my husbands coke use every day. I do not want to have to take my son with me everywhere because I cant leave him with his father, I do not want to give up my entire life because I don't have a partner I have another person to take care of. If I have to live like a single mom, I might as well be.
You'll probably go back and forth with this in your head incessantly searching for the solution - and there isn't one that is painless.
There is always a trial separation, done legally so you are protected financially. I'm afraid that if he doesn't address the coke issue it is going to spiral into huge financial difficulties. . . that seems to be the way these things go. The house is precarious right now anyway, and it's just a house. It may be possible to separate yourself financially from him - I guess you would need an attorney consultation for that.
The worst thing is to let this become an unhealthy obsession for you. When I was contemplating divorce my thoughts were spinning 24/7 for months. I finally just couldn't take the uncertainty and the obsessive rumination it was causing ME. I knew when I was done.
((more hugs))
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I say this gently with kindness. Now is your time to be selfish. Someone has to advocate for what is best for your child and for yourself. He does not want this to turn into a big deal b/c then he would have to face all sorts of consequences, and there is NOTHING an addict hates more than a consequence.
There are also outpatient treatments he could do outside of work, have you thought of that?
I definitely, absolutely, would not spend any money right not, and I would be building myself a nest egg in case you need access to money quickly.
It's ok to hope and pray for the best, but definitely prepare for the worst. You don't have to make decisions today, but it does not look like he is taking this seriously. My XAH is an alcoholic and RX drug addict. There is NOTHING more painful than watching my children deal with the affects of his bad choices and what it has done to our family.
Your #1 biggest concern needs to be what is best for the child, then yourself.
Big hugs.
There are also outpatient treatments he could do outside of work, have you thought of that?
I definitely, absolutely, would not spend any money right not, and I would be building myself a nest egg in case you need access to money quickly.
It's ok to hope and pray for the best, but definitely prepare for the worst. You don't have to make decisions today, but it does not look like he is taking this seriously. My XAH is an alcoholic and RX drug addict. There is NOTHING more painful than watching my children deal with the affects of his bad choices and what it has done to our family.
Your #1 biggest concern needs to be what is best for the child, then yourself.
Big hugs.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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I already know I wont be able to trust him again. I had trust issues when I found him with pot let alone friggen cocaine.
All that legal stuff is a bit above me we haven't even been married for an entire year, I want to tell my parents I want advice and support from them, but he asked me not to, and I am scared to tell them as well I have no idea how they will react but they might be able to help me figure out that legal stuff. I just want off the house entirely I think. My name is not on it anyways, as we were hoping to use first time home buyers twice. Though it doesn't matter its all 50/50 anyways.
it is an obsession I can't get it out my head or the lump out of my stomach. I think the only thing I have consumed (and has stayed down) was some strawberries in the last 3 days, I have eaten...but its come back up I am so stressed.
Bimini how long did you stick around before you felt to hopeless? I am not even at a week and I want out. I feel like a bad wife, bad christian. But he trapped with lies and fake promises.
All that legal stuff is a bit above me we haven't even been married for an entire year, I want to tell my parents I want advice and support from them, but he asked me not to, and I am scared to tell them as well I have no idea how they will react but they might be able to help me figure out that legal stuff. I just want off the house entirely I think. My name is not on it anyways, as we were hoping to use first time home buyers twice. Though it doesn't matter its all 50/50 anyways.
it is an obsession I can't get it out my head or the lump out of my stomach. I think the only thing I have consumed (and has stayed down) was some strawberries in the last 3 days, I have eaten...but its come back up I am so stressed.
Bimini how long did you stick around before you felt to hopeless? I am not even at a week and I want out. I feel like a bad wife, bad christian. But he trapped with lies and fake promises.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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I have already started putting money aside. If I leave i need somewhere to live the trailer would be my home. We are thinking like $8000, not $25,000, we have most of that right now anyways, its not that we are broke...its that he wouldn't have a job to go back to...whats the other option? let him go out of town to a campsite with his friends all drinking and smoking dope alone? If I am not there...
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Lacy, in an earlier post you ask "am I being selfish", as if that was a bad thing. It is not, right now, you all that matters now- for you and your child. I have just read the whole thread from the beginning, I can see your thoughts processing at about 100 million miles an hour (believe me, I know how that feels). I know this seems impossible, but sitting back, taking deep breaths and re-evaluating everything I had learnt in an incredibly short space of time really helped me put everything in order.
You also ask "should I push on the coke thing" - my own personal experience showed that "pushing" results in nothing other than Defense and more denial.
Are you able to stay with your parents for a few days to process everything?
More bigger hugs
You also ask "should I push on the coke thing" - my own personal experience showed that "pushing" results in nothing other than Defense and more denial.
Are you able to stay with your parents for a few days to process everything?
More bigger hugs
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I can, I can go to my parents anytime they are only 20 minutes away...but that means confessing everything. Telling them what a mess this life is.
I know this part is trivial, but they spent thousands of dollars helping us throw the most beautiful wedding last Aug, they just spent a few hundred getting me new flower beds and soil...how are they going to react when I tell them they wasted their money? ...Yes I know that is stupid, I am just scared.
I know this part is trivial, but they spent thousands of dollars helping us throw the most beautiful wedding last Aug, they just spent a few hundred getting me new flower beds and soil...how are they going to react when I tell them they wasted their money? ...Yes I know that is stupid, I am just scared.
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Originally Posted by LacyEnglish
I already know I wont be able to trust him again. I had trust issues when I found him with pot let alone friggen cocaine.
All that legal stuff is a bit above me we haven't even been married for an entire year, I want to tell my parents I want advice and support from them, but he asked me not to, and I am scared to tell them as well I have no idea how they will react but they might be able to help me figure out that legal stuff. I just want off the house entirely I think. My name is not on it anyways, as we were hoping to use first time home buyers twice. Though it doesn't matter its all 50/50 anyways.
it is an obsession I can't get it out my head or the lump out of my stomach. I think the only thing I have consumed (and has stayed down) was some strawberries in the last 3 days, I have eaten...but its come back up I am so stressed.
Bimini how long did you stick around before you felt to hopeless? I am not even at a week and I want out. I feel like a bad wife, bad christian. But he trapped with lies and fake promises.
All that legal stuff is a bit above me we haven't even been married for an entire year, I want to tell my parents I want advice and support from them, but he asked me not to, and I am scared to tell them as well I have no idea how they will react but they might be able to help me figure out that legal stuff. I just want off the house entirely I think. My name is not on it anyways, as we were hoping to use first time home buyers twice. Though it doesn't matter its all 50/50 anyways.
it is an obsession I can't get it out my head or the lump out of my stomach. I think the only thing I have consumed (and has stayed down) was some strawberries in the last 3 days, I have eaten...but its come back up I am so stressed.
Bimini how long did you stick around before you felt to hopeless? I am not even at a week and I want out. I feel like a bad wife, bad christian. But he trapped with lies and fake promises.
Tell your parents. I would maybe tell them with your pastor involved - they all want what's best for you. They won't care about the money or anything - they will want you to be safe and loved.
I am also a Christian and that was a stumbling block for me when I wanted to get away from all this. If you have any good older Christian women in your life, I hope you will call on them. Get into scripture. This is not the marriage God wants for any of us...unless your husband is willing to go to any lengths to be transparent, honest, open and working very hard at his recovery - and even then, you're looking at years to rebuild your relationship. He is not doing that, so the covenant is broken, in my opinion. He has to show remorse and turn from his old ways. Is he doing that?
Can you call your pastor? He will have the right words. You need people around you who have YOUR best interests at heart. Your husband lost his rights to call the shots.
It took me about three months after I found out about the $100,000 before I asked him to leave. The extent of the drug stuff I found out even later...after he had moved out...I had thought he was an occasional user, and didn't put it all together until afterwards. My husband was also good at trying to keep me quiet and he lied about every aspect of this.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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I am not a Christian but I think Biminis idea of telling your/a pastor is fantastic. I second that fully, I found speaking to people I fully trust (in my case my parents and some friends, although I was terrified of their reaction, but they did absolutely not let me down) incredibly helpful. A pastor seems like a very helpful place to go - and it may well help with the million miles per hour thought processing.
Please, also, make sure you eat. You need the physical energy for your child and yourself. I know it's hard, but don't forget that you need to look after yourself.
Please, also, make sure you eat. You need the physical energy for your child and yourself. I know it's hard, but don't forget that you need to look after yourself.
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Lacy, I didn't have any support at all. My mother was the most judgemental, negative person ever and I couldn't call on her.
I went to the church right on my street and found comfort at least.
The longer it went on the worse I felt. I just really didn't have a choice. My husband wouldn't talk about it and wouldn't accept help from people who wanted to help us. He just shut down.
I asked him to leave and I didn't have a job, I had moved to this area to be with him and didn't know many people, certainly no one I would call a friend. I ended up finding a job, getting a roommate, I read a ton of self-help books and had a bit of Christian counseling. Eventually I bought my own place, and I've never regretted my decision, not once.
I went to the church right on my street and found comfort at least.
The longer it went on the worse I felt. I just really didn't have a choice. My husband wouldn't talk about it and wouldn't accept help from people who wanted to help us. He just shut down.
I asked him to leave and I didn't have a job, I had moved to this area to be with him and didn't know many people, certainly no one I would call a friend. I ended up finding a job, getting a roommate, I read a ton of self-help books and had a bit of Christian counseling. Eventually I bought my own place, and I've never regretted my decision, not once.
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When I first found out, I went on an addiction chat line, their advice was to stay and support and one of them said he was 2 years clean because his wife supported him, and he got to see his child every day.
They said threatening to leave would make things worse and that I should be putting him above everything else including my son.
At that point I knew I needed to find a different source of advice, I cannot put anyone over my son ever, like...ever. He is the most innocent party and the one this effects the most already, I always said I would never take my son away from his father...little did I know i would have a legit reason to take him away.
They said threatening to leave would make things worse and that I should be putting him above everything else including my son.
At that point I knew I needed to find a different source of advice, I cannot put anyone over my son ever, like...ever. He is the most innocent party and the one this effects the most already, I always said I would never take my son away from his father...little did I know i would have a legit reason to take him away.
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confessing??? YOU didn't do anything wrong Lacy!!! you were sold a bill of goods by your husband. in fact, i suspect you may have grounds for an annulment - that is supposition not advice.
your folks LOVE you. and they want what is best for you. and the baby. trust me, they may wince a little but the $$ they spent on your wedding is NOTHING compared to their daughter's health, safety and security.
of course your AH doesn't want you to "tell" - he's protecting his addiction. up til now he had pulled off the smoke and mirrors trick, but now the "secret" is out. and the more people that KNOW about his drug and alcohol problem, the less places he will have to hide.
tell your folks. we are only as sick as our secrets.
the trailer option sounds like a bad plan all the way around RIGHT NOW. you aren't going to drag the baby to the trailer and sit on your AH 24/7 and make sure he "behaves". now is not the time for large purchases of any sort.
your folks LOVE you. and they want what is best for you. and the baby. trust me, they may wince a little but the $$ they spent on your wedding is NOTHING compared to their daughter's health, safety and security.
of course your AH doesn't want you to "tell" - he's protecting his addiction. up til now he had pulled off the smoke and mirrors trick, but now the "secret" is out. and the more people that KNOW about his drug and alcohol problem, the less places he will have to hide.
tell your folks. we are only as sick as our secrets.
the trailer option sounds like a bad plan all the way around RIGHT NOW. you aren't going to drag the baby to the trailer and sit on your AH 24/7 and make sure he "behaves". now is not the time for large purchases of any sort.
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I appreciate everyones advice on the trailer I get where you are coming from, but buying a trailer was my first thought when I found out because it means I would have somewhere to go if this goes south.
I would rather live in a trailer on my parents property then in a 1 bedroom basement suite on my own somewhere. I would be wanting to buy one regardless . Maybe you're right though, maybe I can buy one with my parents instead. They live in a rancher its a very nice house...but ugh close quarters we would kill each other, also if I lived on their property I could just plop my kid inside before going to work and they would watch him.
It feels like I did something wrong. How could I live with an addict and not see it? How could I get this far down the rabbit hole and not notice? I tried to do everything right, I travelled and volunteered, and did missionary trips, I stayed away from scummy men, I didn't sleep around, I went to church, went to college and got a career, I found a man with a good career and his head on his shoulders (HA) and I got married, bought a house, had a kid...I thought I was doing everything right...then BOOM. Little did I know I did something very wrong.
I would rather live in a trailer on my parents property then in a 1 bedroom basement suite on my own somewhere. I would be wanting to buy one regardless . Maybe you're right though, maybe I can buy one with my parents instead. They live in a rancher its a very nice house...but ugh close quarters we would kill each other, also if I lived on their property I could just plop my kid inside before going to work and they would watch him.
It feels like I did something wrong. How could I live with an addict and not see it? How could I get this far down the rabbit hole and not notice? I tried to do everything right, I travelled and volunteered, and did missionary trips, I stayed away from scummy men, I didn't sleep around, I went to church, went to college and got a career, I found a man with a good career and his head on his shoulders (HA) and I got married, bought a house, had a kid...I thought I was doing everything right...then BOOM. Little did I know I did something very wrong.
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My poor son...How could my poor innocent son get stuck with this life?! He's not even 1yrs old! He doesn't deserve this, he doesn't deserve to grow up without a father, or an addict for a father, I cannot be both mom and dad. He needs a dad.
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no, no - you did NOTHING wrong! he was just VERY good at hiding his drug use.
when i first met hank, in fact the NIGHT we met, i had NO idea that he and my friend were taking turns going to the bathroom and taking hits off the pipe. i had NO clue. and i was an experienced drug user!! well not crack, but still.......i didn't see it because i had no idea i was supposed to be looking for it! we were a few months in to our relationship before he came clean.....
now here is where you and i are VERY different. when he said, ya know those times we got some coke and did some lines? well i would get more, and smoke it. and i said.........lord help me......oh well then let's GET SOME! brilliant huh?
not so much.
he LIED to you. he hid it FROM you. you had no reason to suspect that your nice guy, level headed, employed bf/fiance/husband had a coke problem!!! AND a drinking problem! you were also KINDA busy being pregnant, having a baby and being a mom.
when i first met hank, in fact the NIGHT we met, i had NO idea that he and my friend were taking turns going to the bathroom and taking hits off the pipe. i had NO clue. and i was an experienced drug user!! well not crack, but still.......i didn't see it because i had no idea i was supposed to be looking for it! we were a few months in to our relationship before he came clean.....
now here is where you and i are VERY different. when he said, ya know those times we got some coke and did some lines? well i would get more, and smoke it. and i said.........lord help me......oh well then let's GET SOME! brilliant huh?
not so much.
he LIED to you. he hid it FROM you. you had no reason to suspect that your nice guy, level headed, employed bf/fiance/husband had a coke problem!!! AND a drinking problem! you were also KINDA busy being pregnant, having a baby and being a mom.
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You have done nothing wrong. Know that, remember that.
Tell your parents. As I said, he does not want to face consequences. Loving an addict can be the most isolating thing in the world. You deserve support. Go, tell your parents. Stay with them for a few days. You are not his babysitter. Give yourself a few days to absorb and just take care of your child, and let your parents help take care of you.
Hugs.
Tell your parents. As I said, he does not want to face consequences. Loving an addict can be the most isolating thing in the world. You deserve support. Go, tell your parents. Stay with them for a few days. You are not his babysitter. Give yourself a few days to absorb and just take care of your child, and let your parents help take care of you.
Hugs.
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I can, I can go to my parents anytime they are only 20 minutes away...but that means confessing everything. Telling them what a mess this life is.
And the other reason is because they want to believe that THEIR ADDICT will be the addict who wins the recovery lottery. The lottery that doesn’t require the addict to do any real recovery work, attend any meetings, seek any counseling go to any detox or rehab but just stop using, stop drinking and life will be great!
I have already started putting money aside. If I leave i need somewhere to live the trailer would be my home. We are thinking like $8000, not $25,000, we have most of that right now anyways, its not that we are broke...
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