nytepassion

There were things that happened in my life that altered the course of my life, but the path I took was of my own choosing. I chose to smoke weed, to drink booze and to do dope.

I had no clue how powerful those choices were or how weak I would become by making them. I had no idea of just how low I would go and once I began using ... and after the fact ... nor did I care

The more I used the more I slipped away straight into oblivion. Spiraling down into the abyss ... resisting grabing onto helping hands that tried to save me. Hating those who loved me just as much as I hated myself.

I "partied" my way into misery and deep despair ... all the while getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. Still I kept on going seemingly never ending. Crash and burn over and over only to get up, dust myself off and do it again and again and again then repeat.

Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year the same ol' crap ... living to get high and getting high to live. Every living moment was spent nurturing my addiction.

I was a slave, a prisoner. My freedom had vanished. I would wake up and use, get high all day, score and continue getting high all night. This could turn into days and weeks of little to no sleep. Just a zombie living and breathing to get to my next fix. Consumed.

Addiction is insatiable ... It requires 100% loyalty .... and It has no mercy.

There I sat in chaos. In the darkeness ... alone, just me, my demons, a bottle of booze and a bag full of dope. I took a hit and realized I could still feel the pain of misery ripping at my skin. I could hear the voice of my addiction scream for me to do more... so I did and nothing changed. I could feel that I was still miserable .. . even more so...

The drugs and alcohol that use to numb my pain had turned against me and only made me hurt more ... made me more aware that I hated my life. I hated living like I was living.

Something had to change... that something was ME.

I had gotten myself to where I was and I had to get myself out. God was there to help me, but it was up to me to take the steps.

I found my way out the same way I found my way in ... only backwards and without booze or dope. I had to undo a lot of stuff that I had done... it was like rewinding a movie in slow motion all the way to the beginning to where I made that first choice.

No longer a prisoner of my past... I was standing at the crossroads with a choice and I chose to walk the path of recovery. Humbly, gratefully and thankfully and with God by my side I choose to walk in recovery to this day.

Passion
#RecoveringAddict

Ann

Passion, I am so sorry for your past but grateful how you have used it for many years now to share your light here and to help those who are still lost...people like my son.

The life of an addict that you portray is a sick and lonely life and I am so glad that you did what you had to do to make it back from the dark abyss of addiction.

Love you lots, thank you for sharing your story and yourself.

Hugs

Ilovemysonjj

Thank you Nyte for this realistic view of our addicts way of thinking. So thankful you have found recovery! I do remember many of your posts and they are all profound.
Hugs
TT

allthatsgood

Thank you for sharing your story and helping us to understand what our addicts go through. Prayers for all who have found recovery and those trying to find it.