Newcomer to the online support...old to dealing with addicts
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Newcomer to the online support...old to dealing with addicts
Good day to you all. I have been surrounded by addicts of all kinds my whole life. I am good at having them go away. My mother died when i was in early 20s, my ex was kicked to the curb years ago, my mother in law has very limited exposure to my household. I tend to remove addicts from life. Their whirlwind hurts to much and i am not strong enough to set those boundaries and not try and fix. Now i realize my sister is on this path, and i am so bothered by it. I am tired of her excuses and blame on her life chaos. I feel dragged down by it, but yet i know that i should not. Any guidance/techniques on how to set those boundaries without eliminating the person from your life would be greatly appreciated.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Detach from the addiction not the addict unless that is impossible then detach altogether. Detaching doesn’t mean you don’t care or love them it means you are letting yourself off the hook for THEIR choices. We can’t make someone better then they choose to be. Remind yourself they are doing this to themselves, not to you.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Originally Posted by atalose 
Detach from the addiction not the addict unless that is impossible then detach altogether. Detaching doesn’t mean you don’t care or love them it means you are letting yourself off the hook for THEIR choices. We can’t make someone better then they choose to be. Remind yourself they are doing this to themselves, not to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
TiredIvy, I struggle with this. A LOT. My sister is at her worst a pothead in a co-dependent relationship with another pot addict. At her best she's a dry drunk.
Like you, I have cut off relationships when necessary. I haven't spoken to my abuser in twenty years now. I got a lot of crap for that, but I would do it again in a heartbeat if I had to. I wish her the best, and I understand that she herself was responding to an unbearable situation. But her mere presence triggers me, and knowing that she had deliberately planned out her abuse so she wouldn't get caught pretty much kiboshes any idea of speaking to her again.
My sister is a whole other bag of beans. I want to have a relationship with her. But I get so angry at her choices, at the way she compulsively lies, the way she acts nicely until she doesn't. She's emotionally unstable, and I've been hurt by her too many times to stay close.
I find it easier to detach with less anger if I reset my expectations. There's a quote that gets a lot of mileage here on SR "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." (Maya Angelou). I need to let go of the idea of my sister's potential, of who she could be, and reset my expectations so they are more in line with who she actually is at the moment. And in this case, she's a woman who experienced horrendous trauma when she was eleven, and as a result is still emotionally stuck at that age.
I post a lot here, and I go to therapy. My therapists helps a lot. We sometimes do roleplay, and that's where I get out a lot of my anger so it goes pfft.
Their whirlwind hurts to much and i am not strong enough to set those boundaries and not try and fix.
My sister is a whole other bag of beans. I want to have a relationship with her. But I get so angry at her choices, at the way she compulsively lies, the way she acts nicely until she doesn't. She's emotionally unstable, and I've been hurt by her too many times to stay close.
I find it easier to detach with less anger if I reset my expectations. There's a quote that gets a lot of mileage here on SR "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." (Maya Angelou). I need to let go of the idea of my sister's potential, of who she could be, and reset my expectations so they are more in line with who she actually is at the moment. And in this case, she's a woman who experienced horrendous trauma when she was eleven, and as a result is still emotionally stuck at that age.
I post a lot here, and I go to therapy. My therapists helps a lot. We sometimes do roleplay, and that's where I get out a lot of my anger so it goes pfft.
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