Hopefulone18

My husband has relapsed. It's incredibly hard to swallow yet not unexpected. I was prepared for this.... not fully in my mind, but in my heart, I knew I had to be prepared. It is one thing to face a relapse, have a plan in place, and figure out financially where you are going from here, but my heart is what is never fully ready. This time it was. Today as I was sitting in our kitchen talking to my husband I had an AH-HA! moment. He was explaining to me how him relapsing isnt that serious this time, he didnt even really enjoy using, he can do without doing heroin, and surely I was going to see that tomorrow he would be sober........ (sigh). He further went on to explain that my nagging has lead to his relapse, It's my fault because i'm constantly telling him to pick up his dirty clothes, clean up after himself, ect. ect.... all of that nagging has lead him to say "well since I cant do anything right I might as well relapse". . . I was taking it all in, sitting there with my eyes filling up with water and right when I was about to become enraged and scream "I KNEW IT!!! THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN STAY SOBER! I CANT BELIEVE YOU and then start my entire interrogation of "where do we go from here?" "how do I know you won't use tomorrow?" " "why would you want to live this life?" "baby don;t you know how much I love you?" and so on and so forth, I sat back and didn't say a word. I took it all in and after listening to him I felt a different emotion.... I finally realized after two years of his addiction to heroin that this is never going to change. I mean, I cant explain this feeling... I never doubted that addiction was horrible and hard to change, but it's like someone finally slapped me in the face and SHOWED ME THAT THIS WILL NEVER CHANGE. This time I didn't fight the truth, I honestly listened to his truth, coming straight from his lips, He is an addict..... He will chose dope for the foreseeable future, There is nothing I can do about this, and I got the message loud and clear. I am putting a plan in place, I know that he has to leave.. I have kicked him out in the past but it has always been a big dramatic scene, this time I have to use my brain and put all of my ducks in a row to do this the right way. I love him... oh my god do I love him, my heart is broken into a million pieces. He was a good man, educated, smart, kind, loves animals, roots for the underdog, a friend to everyone he meets, yes, he was all of this and more before heroin. It kills me, it literally rips my heart out like no one on this earth can imagine with the exception of all of us here, but I will have to get through this. What I know for sure is that I can not have a heroin addiction in my house, where I live and where I need peace. This crazy train may keep rolling but I am getting off at the next stop. When I looked at him tonight I felt something finally other than anger and sadness for myself... I felt sad for him. There before me was a man who is my world, my lover, and my best friend wrapped up in one amazing human, but he is sick... he is not changing... and this will be his world. I felt such a sadness for him that he is unable to commit to recovery, but I realize now that I am asking him to do the impossible in his mind. He sees heroin as what he needs, he openly admits that it takes the edge off of his life and makes him feel good. This lets me know that he is no where near where he needs to be, not even close to thinking about giving recovery a real shot. . . I know I will stay strong through this. I am officially exhausted of this

Ann

Your post really touched my heart. My addicted loved one was my son but I remember clearly the moment...it all happened in a moment...that I KNEW he wasn't going to change. I call that my "enough" moment, and I think we all get there eventually.

You hit your "enough" moment of clarity and as much as it deeply hurts, and it does rip our hearts apart, there comes with it a kind of relief, an acceptance where we can finally let go of trying to control the uncontrollable called addiction.

You are in my prayers, the coming days won't be easy but you are stronger than you think and I have a feeling that you are ready to do what you need to do. Or as you put it so well...you are ready to get off the crazy train at the next stop.

Hugs

PhoenixJ

Was just about to post those exact words..'crazy train'. Stay safe, plan for YOU- now and the future. Don't become the sad refuse of an person who is actively in addiction, especially if they are not trying to change. I guess you already know, given clarity what predicted outcomes are.
Empathy and support to you, empathy for the person you once knew.

FreedomCA

Sorry you are going through this. I think it is great progress on your part that rather than be consumed by feelings of anger and resentment over his relapse, you instead have replaced them with feelings of compassion for someone who is sick. How long did he have sober prior to this relapse? How do you know this was not just a slip, and that he may therefore get right back on track?

Maudcat

Hey, Hopeful. Yep, blaming you, accusing you of nagging. Cant do anything right so may as well use.
Wow. Do they never stop?
Sounds as though you have reached what Ann calls the "enough" moment. I call it a moment of clarity, the recognition that the addict is going to do what they do. It isn't personal. It's just what they do.
Time to go. Good luck. Here when you need us.

Ariesagain

This is such a powerful post. I vote for it to be stickied.

That moment is terrifying, which is why we fight it for so long. It's when you move from denial to accepting that there is nothing you can do that will make any difference and truly understand that love doesn't conquer all.

Sending you strength and a hug.

Ann

Something I see in your post, and know from my own experience, is that with clarity and acceptance/surrender/knowledge comes a paradigm shift in our whole thinking process.

What was anger is now compassion for the sorry soul that they have become.

What was resentment is now forgiveness, not condoning what has happened but accepting it and letting go of the pain we attach to it. True forgiveness is about us letting go of the painful thought attachment.

With the paradigm shift we change, very quickly, in all we think, say and do. And it's all good.

We "snap out of it' and come to our senses...and it feels good and it feels right, because it IS right. We finally "get it".

Hugs

MAYA1

Your post reminded me of myself nearly a year ago now, very touching. I am happy for you and wish you to stay strong for yourself.

Someone told me recently people tell us everything about themselves within hours of meeting them, we just need to listen carefully because everything they say it's the truth.

Sissyfuss

I can relate to your story very well, Hopeful. My stepdaughter OD'd with her boyfriend two weeks ago and the custody trial is in a week for her 3 kids. She was the most beautiful vivacious kind hearted woman you could ever meet. Everyone fell in love with her but her. She is a sick and pathetic human being with eyes that portend a tortured soul. No one could get to her though God how I tried. I realize she is on a different path with her mind dysfunctional and damaged. I put my love into the grandchildren and pray for her. I'll pray for you too. Success in your new adventure.

Bekindalways

Take care of yourself Hopeful. This is so painful.

The best thing you can do for this wonderful man is to get a plan, move forward and let go.

Big hug.

NewRomanMan

Offering prayers for you, Hopefulone. For peace and strength and wisdom. And thank you for your post. It gave me a lot to think about.

Eauchiche

I too have had a couple of occasions when a "light switch" flipped inside my brain. I can truthfully say that before starting recovery, that switch was disconnected. I also ignored copious red flags and excused others' poor behavior. Thanks for sharing.

Bird615

You have so eloquently expressed the same place I got to myself when I finally was able to accept that my alcoholic boyfriend was not going to change. That acceptance, as painful as it was, enabled me to let go and to finally leave for good.

It broke my heart too, but I can tell you that it did open the door for me to find a new happiness and peace in my life. You will, too.