Holding on
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 1
Holding on
I'm new to here however I'm not new to the disappointment of being involved with a heroin addict. IV been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. When I met him he was in recovery and clean he has since relapsed numerous times we have been on one hell of a rollercoaster we have been happy, rich, poor, lost everything, gotten it back...Iv been lied to, stolen from , munipulated, cheated on. In the past IV helped him get the help he needs and he has gotten clean...With each relapse it has gotten worse and worse. Last year I finally made a decision to leave him not because of drugs but because of infedelity we were both unhappy. After a few months of us both dating other people we decided that we really didn't want to be without one another we love each other we made plans to marry and even decided to have a baby....Not even a month after we tried to concieve a child we found out we were pregnant.... Anxiety of becoming a parent caught up with him soon after he relapsed....One month after I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl he needed to get help he crashed 3 cars in a week's time....He went out of state to detox and get help I held down the house, the bills and even saved enough money for a new car....He comes home he was good for a lil while but soon enough he was using agian my daughter is now ten months old I'm on the verge of losing my home AGAIN.....IV been paying the rent all these months but recently IV had health issues and couldnt work 40 hours a week I almost died I had a stroke and have nuerological problems and taking care of my child 24/7 so this last month I relied on him to pay the rent and agian he's let me down.....Regardless of my health IV decided I need to step up agian and work full time to support my family and get him into treatment.....I understand the percentage of couples that actually make Thier relationship work is small and next to non existent but I love this man and my child loves her daddy we we love the person he is when he's not a active user....As I'm reading this forum I see alot of people recommending that your better off leaving Thier partner that the person they are on here for are bad news....I don't see anyone giving advice on what to do if you're trying to make it work.....After all if you are on this forum its because your friends with, in a relationship with or related to an addict and u wanna assist in Thier recovery and most likely desperate for advice.... So someone please tell me what can I do to make my situation better.... What are things I shoukd and shouldn't say to him....What are some things I can say or do to make this transition easier.......I know there has to be someone out there that's been in my shoes and made it work....Talk to me
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Honee. Welcome. If you read around the Friends and Family Forums you will many stories just like yours. People who tried to love their partner into recovery. If that could be done, there would be no one posting to these forums!
Sadly, you can "make it work" til the cows come home. But your SO is an addict who shows absolutely no signs of changing his ways.
Until he does, there is really no way to make the relationship work.
You are working so hard to keep it together for you and your daughter. That shows such strength.
Good luck to you.
Sadly, you can "make it work" til the cows come home. But your SO is an addict who shows absolutely no signs of changing his ways.
Until he does, there is really no way to make the relationship work.
You are working so hard to keep it together for you and your daughter. That shows such strength.
Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Cincinnati
Posts: 103
No love in the world is going to get your boyfriend to stop using until he decides himself he wants to stop!
I been in your shoes with my own boyfriend, but he and I were both in our active addiction and using together! We're still together though so there is hope at end of the tunnel. Don't give up!
The only advice I can give you is take yourself to an Nar-Anon meeting they also have this amazing book I forget the name of it but it's for loved ones of addicts its their own Nar- Anon book my mom actually got one when she went to an Nar- Anon meeting. I suggest you to get it and read it. I will have to ask her the name of it and I will have to give it to you!
Hang in there!! Feel free to message me anytime.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 4
Like an echo
Hi,
I know exactly how you feel. I have been married (currently separated divorce pending) for 10 years. The addiction was always there but we were young when we met and just having fun. I didn't realize how bad it really was for him. I didn't do drugs ever really so I was oblivious. We got pregnant, got married and went on to have two beautiful daughters. He was never in recovery just abstaining and trying to moderate until I noticed a downward spiral, changes in behavior, money missing, etc.
I confronted him and he accused me of being controlling (which I probably WAS duh. I lived with an addict). I gave him a choice and he left. It's been over a year now. I've been on the verge of losing my home twice. Cars getting repossessed. Bills not getting paid. You all know the drill.
This has been the hardest year of my life.
By the grace of God I started going to Al Anon and it has changed everything for us.
It started to help me understand the disease so that I can put the work in.
The best thing to do is get to a meeting. Focus on yourself and what you can do to take care of yourself. Changed attitudes make all the difference.
Good luck and keep us posted. We are here.
I know exactly how you feel. I have been married (currently separated divorce pending) for 10 years. The addiction was always there but we were young when we met and just having fun. I didn't realize how bad it really was for him. I didn't do drugs ever really so I was oblivious. We got pregnant, got married and went on to have two beautiful daughters. He was never in recovery just abstaining and trying to moderate until I noticed a downward spiral, changes in behavior, money missing, etc.
I confronted him and he accused me of being controlling (which I probably WAS duh. I lived with an addict). I gave him a choice and he left. It's been over a year now. I've been on the verge of losing my home twice. Cars getting repossessed. Bills not getting paid. You all know the drill.
This has been the hardest year of my life.
By the grace of God I started going to Al Anon and it has changed everything for us.
It started to help me understand the disease so that I can put the work in.
The best thing to do is get to a meeting. Focus on yourself and what you can do to take care of yourself. Changed attitudes make all the difference.
Good luck and keep us posted. We are here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
I think others have said it. Take care of yourself first. You cannot pour from an empty cup. An addict takes our energy. I would read through the stickies on the top of the forum. Super important.
Your willingness to stay shows your good character. Much love.
Your willingness to stay shows your good character. Much love.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What are some things I can say or do to make this transition easier.....
and u wanna assist in Thier recovery
Have you looked into al-anon or nar-anon?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
If you don't want to break ties, you must convince him that working while you're so ill is very bad for you, and you need him to support you.
In reality, if he can't help you when these facts are obvious, then you'll be forced to rely on yourself.
Wanting to stay with him, I suppose you'll need to be clear in your own mind about where your limits are. For instance is it ok for him to stay with you while not still using and not contributing or supporting you? What would be your breaking point? What does he say about the chance of his recovery?
In reality, if he can't help you when these facts are obvious, then you'll be forced to rely on yourself.
Wanting to stay with him, I suppose you'll need to be clear in your own mind about where your limits are. For instance is it ok for him to stay with you while not still using and not contributing or supporting you? What would be your breaking point? What does he say about the chance of his recovery?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
If you don't want to break ties, you must convince him that working while you're so ill is very bad for you, and you need him to support you.
In reality, if he can't help you when these facts are obvious, then you'll be forced to rely on yourself.
Wanting to stay with him, I suppose you'll need to be clear in your own mind about where your limits are. For instance is it ok for him to stay with you while not still using and not contributing or supporting you? What would be your breaking point? What does he say about the chance of his recovery?
In reality, if he can't help you when these facts are obvious, then you'll be forced to rely on yourself.
Wanting to stay with him, I suppose you'll need to be clear in your own mind about where your limits are. For instance is it ok for him to stay with you while not still using and not contributing or supporting you? What would be your breaking point? What does he say about the chance of his recovery?
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