DustyDreams

Just a brief update. Things have been going quite well with ABF for 5 months. I was incredibly disappointed to find out he had relapsed a few weeks ago. He told me the truth the day after so I thought that might be a good sign. Then a few days ago it was the same thing, but this time the lying/minimizing started. I've had such a terrible time dealing with losing my dad in the fall. While I know he's not doing any of this to me, it still feels like he should be supporting me rather than just "checking out" on me. I keep having these major mood swings. On the one hand I am certain I will be able to handle this and stick by him and fight for us. But on the other hand I just stop and think about all that's happened and think my efforts and love and support are worthless. I guess I just needed to vent to people who understand. I am trying to step back (I did really well for the past few months) and try to figure out what my next move should be, if any at all.

atalose

Active A’s can really only support their habit. They don’t make a good support system for much of anything else.
Sorry you are in need of support and wanting someone who can’t provide it to be there for you, it stink!!

AnvilheadII

I will be able to handle this and stick by him and fight for us

sounds noble....but DD, when he's using, there is no US.
and his addiction battle is not YOURS to fight.
after months of sobriety, using again isn't an "oopsie" - it's a CHOICE made with a CLEAR mind.

stay on your side of the street. do what you need to and take care of YOU. expand your support system.

so sorry about your dad. are you seeing in a grief counselor or part of a grief group?

Maudcat

I am sorry for your loss, Dusty. Hugs.

hopeful4

Honey, he is the only one who can do anything about his own using. You are having a hard time because not only are you grieving, but instead of getting support during your hard time, you are getting lied to and manipulated.

There is no fight for us. He is going to have to fight for himself to get clean, or not. You cannot fight that for him.

Tight hugs.

DustyDreams

I haven't been to a grief counselor yet. Well actually I was referred to a counselor who turned out to be a drug and alcohol counselor who also specialized in grief counseling. It didn't work out, but I'm due to see a new counselor in roughly 3.5 weeks.
I have been driving myself nuts since he relapsed. Obsessively wondering if this is what I have to look forward to whenever a tragedy strikes. I mean, really, do I just have to accept the fact that I may be completely on my own in dealing with whatever heartbreaking situation may arise? Assuming I wanna stay? Even if he's sober again when it happens?
What you said about him using again isn't just an "oopsie" really jumped out at me because that's how I'd been looking at it. He seems like he's serious about getting back into recovery, but I'm having a hard time being optimistic for him this time. I know he doesn't need my negativity, and it makes him feel like trying is useless because I don't even have faith in him. His words.
I have made such progress in dealing with him in the past 5 months. He relapses and I feel like I'm going back to square 1 now. Everything is just overwhelming tonight.

DustyDreams

Thank you Maudcat. Hugs are much appreciated and much needed tonight.

DustyDreams

You know, after this first relapse he actually told me that he was grieving too, and he needed my support and patience. So, I know he knows what I need. It just still floors me that someone as kind, perceptive and intelligent can be so selfish and blind to my needs whenever he picks up.
I don't know what I'd do without everyone's support here. So nice to not feel alone.

DustyDreams

Thinking about that is really infuriating! He planned this whole thing out. It took days to set it up. Both times too. And he knew what would happen. So, Even if he gets serious about his recovery, am I always going to feel so out of control and like I'm just waiting for the bottom to fall out??

CelticStorm

Most likely, unfortunately.

Reading through recovery stories here helped me to make my decision to leave my fiancé last month. At that point, he wouldn't even admit there was a problem, but even if he did and started a recovery program, reading what others are going through during that tumultuous time was enough for me to realize that it would be too hard for me. I don't think I could live with constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop (did enough of that with his active addiction), and knowing that the likelihood of relapse is always lurking in the background. I grew up like that with addicted parents, and although it hurt (and still does) to leave him, I knew my sanity depended on it.

Addiction really does a number on not only the addict, but everyone around them as well. As much as I cared and loved him, it just isn't the life I'm willing to live. I lived it as a child. It still effects me tremendously. I can't relive it all over again as an adult. Nobody should have to live that hell.

Hugs. I know how brutally painful this path is. 😔

dandylion

CelticStorm.....given your background experience, growing up....I suggest that you order a book from amazon.com...."Adult Children of Alcoholics"...I have seen the literature on there...and, very cheap, also...especially if you order a used copy.....

hopeful4

I think we like to think it was a "slip." We like to put some big reason on it, that they were stressed, depressed, mentally ill, whatever.

Reality, they are addicts. They will plan to use and use until they decide they are going to embrace recovery. Some will, some won't. It's a waste of a beautiful mind and person so many times, however, it does not change the facts.

Hugs, many hugs.