LT55

Why is it when my AH (who is a pathological lying, stealing, manipulating, addict) gets forced into getting help, by me again,( because this time he was driving around town aimlessly and crying and our daughter calls me terrified he'll hurt himself because he stopped at her house and said "I shouldn't be around my family anymore") and (reason he was driving around town was because he failed a drug test I gave him and he walked out on me!.......) gets great praise from the outpatient staff ( center said he did not qualify for inpatient) and support from his family and praise for getting help and going to AA and me....his spouse of 29 years and his 3 grown children are left with all the wth's, all the anger of being manipulated and lied to and used, all the pain and fear he has caused, all the financial fall out that is too come, all the trust he p***** away! It is NOT FAIR! I know I sound like a child, but really, this SUCKS for those left to rebuild their lives because of the s*** he put us through! Yes, I'm in therapy, and I'm going to Al Anon next week ( there are no meetings till then in my area) I know i am "not alone,"but it sure feels like it! And the icing on the cake is he acts like since he is doing the "right things" that we are ok! It doesn't just work that way! Things are not ok! I want him to get better, I do. But you can't go from toxic dysfunction and then come at me like "look what I am doing, Im a good boy" and pretend we are good again. Has anyone gone from 'crazy to lets pretend were doing good' from their spouse? What did you do? How did you feel? Sorry for the rant, just so in shock!

dandylion

tlb.....for one thing.....HE is the client at the treatment center. Their focus is on him...You and his other associates are not of any prime concern to the facility.
That is just the reality of the situation.
As for family...there is another harsh reality....most (not all) family will side with their own. usually, blood is thicker than water.
Living with alcoholism eventually affects and can even destroy those closest to them. ***those who invest the most, stand to lose the most.

There is nothing "fair" about this disease. This is why it is advised to take care of your self...because the alcoholic and their band of associates never will.....

hopeful4

Oh wow. I know all of these feelings so very well. Keep in mind, I am divorced, but was married to my XAH for a very long time.

I will be straight with you. I want my X to be well. I want him to be a good dad and do the right things by our children. Instead he has pi$$ed away our life with his bad choices. He emotionally abuses our kids. He's a horrid person.

So yes, for my children I want him to be well. For myself, I hate him. I never talk badly about him and I try very hard to not let those feelings overcome me.

Having hate in my heart hurts one person, that is me. Those are toxic feelings, so I have gotten past them. It's taken a long time. It's given me PTSD and an Anxiety Disorder. It's hard because we still share children.

On the bright side, it's doable. I have come to a place that I attempt to separate my life in my brain from all of this. I have friends, events, a job, responsibilities. I spend serious quality time with my kids. We have fun. I do not let this shut down my life, and that's what's important.

Tight hugs.

SmallButMighty

I put up with the... "I'm so sorry for what I've done, but we've got this" attitude for years. The adulation he would pour on to me, how I was all he had to live for and I was the glue that held our family together... blah blah blah After a while that rhetoric no longer means anything. In truth its straight up manipulation on their part. They might not even realize it as such, but it absolutely is.

I stopped falling for it about two years before I left him.

"We got this" was really sad foreshadowing on his part for how much we did NOT have it... we had lost it to his addiction in a most heartbreaking way.

I loved my (ex)husband very much. I will always have a place in my heart for him. But I do not like him and who he has become. I'm glad I no longer have to deal with the chaos his stupid decisions brought into my life and what hell that caused my health.

Good Luck to you! You are not alone. Too many of us here, TOTALLY understand. I hope you stick around.