Yes, of course it's all my fault.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 20
Yes, of course it's all my fault.
We briefly talked last night. I have no idea why I bothered. I don't want him back, I truly don't, and although it isn't easy at times, I see the light at the end of the tunnel after leaving him. I'm still trying to understand why I even replied or let the conversation continue. I know I feel a lot of guilt for making him move out and for feeling like I didn't stand by him. I'm working on that. Slowly, but surely.
The short version, according to him:
He'll never forgive me for making him leave.
Everyone has always kicked him when he was down and he thought I was different. Ouch.
I have trust issues, he heard is straight from my (alcoholic) mother, and although he gave me no reason, I didn't trust him and that's why this happened..
He's not what I've wanted for a long time and I won't say I'm sorry for any part of this and he can't believe how selfish I'm being.
He's heartbroken and wakes up every morning hoping it's all a bad dream. The hole in his heart where I was will never be filled.
And the best part of all, and I quote:
"I wasn't doing drugs. Why can't you believe me? I didn't need that sh*t anymore. You were my new drug and I had everything my heart ever needed. Everything I wanted. I've lost everything now."
It actually helped to hear that. It basically proved to me that yes, he was in fact doing drugs still right before we got together. And what I think is that he basically traded one addiction for another. I think he was sober for a while in the beginning because the excitement of us was enough. And then life got real again: with work, house, responsibilities, etc., and the new addiction (us) wasn't enough anymore, so back to the pills. I saw the change. It started slowly, but I knew something was changing. And then, sheer chaos. The fighting was EXHAUSTING.
But he's fine. He's getting his life back on track. He's back in his parents basement with nothing, but it's all good. He's happy for the space, he needed it.
I cried in my counselors office today. All I could think about was how bad is it that an addict rather live in a dark, sad, dreary basement with nothing than kick the habit and be in a relationship with someone who adored him. We had (I still have) a nice home and what was once) a happy life. But the pills are better?
And then, it hit me... he's an addict, and that's what addicts do. His pills rule his world now and there isn't a thing I can do about that. I tried. I tried so hard to help him. I tried to understand. I tried to tell him that he was worth more than that and deserved better than being a slave to addiction. He didn't want to hear it. Occasionally he'd cry, but then shake it off like he didn't hear a thing I said. His parents and family see it, they've been through it with him before, they must see it, but I guess it's just easier to pretend that everything is fine and it's all my fault. He's always the victim, he's never been, and never will be, responsible for what happens to him. It just happens because he's so unlucky.
It'll never change. Jesus Christ. He will never change. He lost a great job, had a home foreclosed on (before me), is in massive debt that he can't pay off, ruined his credit, lost friends, had run-ins with the law, has a DUI for drugs, ruined us, and it does not matter to him.
And I have to accept that I'm completely powerless to help him.
And that's so damn hard. But it is what it is and it's final. So now, I fight to pull myself away and move on with my life, while praying somehow, someday, someway he finds the light.
I despise drugs.
The short version, according to him:
He'll never forgive me for making him leave.
Everyone has always kicked him when he was down and he thought I was different. Ouch.
I have trust issues, he heard is straight from my (alcoholic) mother, and although he gave me no reason, I didn't trust him and that's why this happened..
He's not what I've wanted for a long time and I won't say I'm sorry for any part of this and he can't believe how selfish I'm being.
He's heartbroken and wakes up every morning hoping it's all a bad dream. The hole in his heart where I was will never be filled.
And the best part of all, and I quote:
"I wasn't doing drugs. Why can't you believe me? I didn't need that sh*t anymore. You were my new drug and I had everything my heart ever needed. Everything I wanted. I've lost everything now."
It actually helped to hear that. It basically proved to me that yes, he was in fact doing drugs still right before we got together. And what I think is that he basically traded one addiction for another. I think he was sober for a while in the beginning because the excitement of us was enough. And then life got real again: with work, house, responsibilities, etc., and the new addiction (us) wasn't enough anymore, so back to the pills. I saw the change. It started slowly, but I knew something was changing. And then, sheer chaos. The fighting was EXHAUSTING.
But he's fine. He's getting his life back on track. He's back in his parents basement with nothing, but it's all good. He's happy for the space, he needed it.
I cried in my counselors office today. All I could think about was how bad is it that an addict rather live in a dark, sad, dreary basement with nothing than kick the habit and be in a relationship with someone who adored him. We had (I still have) a nice home and what was once) a happy life. But the pills are better?
And then, it hit me... he's an addict, and that's what addicts do. His pills rule his world now and there isn't a thing I can do about that. I tried. I tried so hard to help him. I tried to understand. I tried to tell him that he was worth more than that and deserved better than being a slave to addiction. He didn't want to hear it. Occasionally he'd cry, but then shake it off like he didn't hear a thing I said. His parents and family see it, they've been through it with him before, they must see it, but I guess it's just easier to pretend that everything is fine and it's all my fault. He's always the victim, he's never been, and never will be, responsible for what happens to him. It just happens because he's so unlucky.
It'll never change. Jesus Christ. He will never change. He lost a great job, had a home foreclosed on (before me), is in massive debt that he can't pay off, ruined his credit, lost friends, had run-ins with the law, has a DUI for drugs, ruined us, and it does not matter to him.
And I have to accept that I'm completely powerless to help him.
And that's so damn hard. But it is what it is and it's final. So now, I fight to pull myself away and move on with my life, while praying somehow, someday, someway he finds the light.
I despise drugs.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You've heard all this nonsense before. Now you've heard it again. At some point, do you really want to watch the rerun?
Going "no contact" is really hard at first, but it's the fastest way to move on with your life freed from his insanity. The problem with listening to this **** over and over is that it makes you vulnerable, because he believes it's true. If you hear it over and over and said with absolute conviction, it starts to brainwash you.
Hang around here for a while and you'll read stories of people who lost decades of their lives listening to the addicts in their lives convince them that down was up and night was day.
Take your life back. Block him.
Going "no contact" is really hard at first, but it's the fastest way to move on with your life freed from his insanity. The problem with listening to this **** over and over is that it makes you vulnerable, because he believes it's true. If you hear it over and over and said with absolute conviction, it starts to brainwash you.
Hang around here for a while and you'll read stories of people who lost decades of their lives listening to the addicts in their lives convince them that down was up and night was day.
Take your life back. Block him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 20
So end all contact with him? I guess that would be a smart move and relieve me from having to hear how it's all my fault and that I just gave up on him. I know that isn't true, but it does hurt like hell to hear it.
You hit the nail on the head - he says it over and over again and with such conviction. I do believe he honestly believes it. It's so hard to reconcile that, because he's actually a smart man, and logically, it's hard to believe that anyone with an intact mind COULD believe that, but it appears he does.
If I'm being perfectly honest, I think a part of me is still in shock that he hasn't fallen to his knees over all of this, immediately seeking treatment so that he didn't lose us. I thought he loved me at least that much. I know it doesn't really work that way and I guess a part of me is guilty of magical thinking too.
This is all such a mind screw. I feel like I'm crazy sometimes. I'm grateful that I dodged a bullet one minute, heartbroken the next, then guilty, then hopeful, then numb, and everything in between. All in the matter of a single hour.
You hit the nail on the head - he says it over and over again and with such conviction. I do believe he honestly believes it. It's so hard to reconcile that, because he's actually a smart man, and logically, it's hard to believe that anyone with an intact mind COULD believe that, but it appears he does.
If I'm being perfectly honest, I think a part of me is still in shock that he hasn't fallen to his knees over all of this, immediately seeking treatment so that he didn't lose us. I thought he loved me at least that much. I know it doesn't really work that way and I guess a part of me is guilty of magical thinking too.
This is all such a mind screw. I feel like I'm crazy sometimes. I'm grateful that I dodged a bullet one minute, heartbroken the next, then guilty, then hopeful, then numb, and everything in between. All in the matter of a single hour.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CelticStorm......how is saving yourself the same thing as giving up on someone else? Everyone is allowed self preservation. Entitled to self defense...even animals.
And, on top of it all....staying with him will not help him. You were with him, and, it didn't stop him from using...
You are not the answer for him.
You believe what he says more than you believe what you say.....
Why do you think that is? Is he smarter than you?
And, on top of it all....staying with him will not help him. You were with him, and, it didn't stop him from using...
You are not the answer for him.
You believe what he says more than you believe what you say.....
Why do you think that is? Is he smarter than you?
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Celtic, if he could think straight he would pick you. But he can't. The addiction is his master at this point in time. And it will NOT tolerate anything else to be number one. No wife, girlfriend, children, parents, career, nothing. It has total control and always will until he decides it doesn't anymore and makes a change. None of it is your fault. We addicts and alcoholics are master manipulators and love to make others feel guilty for our bad choices. Don't fall for it. His disease has made him full of s**t. Someday he might see that. He might never. But it's not your issue. Move on and congratulate yourself for not being sucked into another lie.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
the "choice" as you see it is far different from behind the eyes of an addict. remember, his life was already a big clusterfluck when you two re-connected - he had a history of irresponsibility, lack of commitment, immaturity. so what started out as all fun and games for him in your whirlwind romance, soon began to indicate he was going to need to go "all in" and BE a grown up. ACT like a grown up. FACE the mess he made and show some staying power.
OR...........keep on being a screw up, drink, do dope, party on Garth. in AA it's called the "easier softer way" - back at mom and dad's - no job, no rent, no one to hold him accountable.
you become the enemy......the voice of reason, the daily reminder that he doesn't measure up (to you or anyone over the age of 18), someone that thinks he COULD be more while his own story says otherwise, someone who wants him to stop doing drugs, stop getting high, stop checking out, stay sober, cognizant and in the now.
as for what he SAID to you? pfffft. we call that quacking.
OR...........keep on being a screw up, drink, do dope, party on Garth. in AA it's called the "easier softer way" - back at mom and dad's - no job, no rent, no one to hold him accountable.
you become the enemy......the voice of reason, the daily reminder that he doesn't measure up (to you or anyone over the age of 18), someone that thinks he COULD be more while his own story says otherwise, someone who wants him to stop doing drugs, stop getting high, stop checking out, stay sober, cognizant and in the now.
as for what he SAID to you? pfffft. we call that quacking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
CS,
You have summed it up beautifully in the last few sentences of your original post:
".....I have to accept that I'm completely powerless to help him...... that's so damn hard...... it is what it is and it's final...... now, I fight to pull myself away and move on with my life, while praying somehow, someday, someway he finds the light.......
I despise drugs."
All of us at SR are right there with you!
Keep coming back,
Jim
You have summed it up beautifully in the last few sentences of your original post:
".....I have to accept that I'm completely powerless to help him...... that's so damn hard...... it is what it is and it's final...... now, I fight to pull myself away and move on with my life, while praying somehow, someday, someway he finds the light.......
I despise drugs."
All of us at SR are right there with you!
Keep coming back,
Jim
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
And then, it hit me... he's an addict, and that's what addicts do. His pills rule his world now and there isn't a thing I can do about that. I tried. I tried so hard to help him. I tried to understand. I tried to tell him that he was worth more than that and deserved better than being a slave to addiction. He didn't want to hear it. Occasionally he'd cry, but then shake it off like he didn't hear a thing I said. His parents and family see it, they've been through it with him before, they must see it, but I guess it's just easier to pretend that everything is fine and it's all my fault. He's always the victim, he's never been, and never will be, responsible for what happens to him. It just happens because he's so unlucky.
It's going to suck at first, but once you feel your sanity returning a moment at a time, it'll suck less and continue to suck less until all you feel is a general sadness that he chose not to take responsibility for his life.
But you'll be fine. Trust me on this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 16
Sending you lots of strength and support, Celtic!! Living in the throes of active addiction is like living in a true nightmare. It is SO hard to completely cut ties with someone you love/d, and unfortunately that someone for you is currently lost in his addiction and there is nothing you can do to save him. As dandylion said - it is now time for your own self preservation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 20
I feel like I'm emotionally exhausted tonight, but I wanted to reply and thank all of you. You're truly an amazing group.
The support, straight talk, and compassion I've received from you all has literally blown me away. To know there are people out there that have been through this, on both sides of it, that are willing to take time out of their day to help others who are struggling, fills me with hope that there are really good people in this world and that eventually this is going to be ok.
Having people that have walked this path before and know the pitfalls that will likely happen before they even happen, is such an indispensable resource for those trying to remove themselves from this chaos and pain
I hope that one day, when I'm past this mini hell of mine, that I can return the favor for someone else that needs guidance traversing the land mine(s) of addicted loved ones.
Thank you, everyone, from the bottom of my heart.
The support, straight talk, and compassion I've received from you all has literally blown me away. To know there are people out there that have been through this, on both sides of it, that are willing to take time out of their day to help others who are struggling, fills me with hope that there are really good people in this world and that eventually this is going to be ok.
Having people that have walked this path before and know the pitfalls that will likely happen before they even happen, is such an indispensable resource for those trying to remove themselves from this chaos and pain
I hope that one day, when I'm past this mini hell of mine, that I can return the favor for someone else that needs guidance traversing the land mine(s) of addicted loved ones.
Thank you, everyone, from the bottom of my heart.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 20
I'm trying OT. This is testing every ounce of strength I have, but I know right from wrong and can't kid myself that there is anything right about this situation.
I've read so many stories on here these past few days and I think my strength might actually be sheer terror of what my life will be if I don't stay away.
I've read so many stories on here these past few days and I think my strength might actually be sheer terror of what my life will be if I don't stay away.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
ariesagain - this is it - distilled & perfect wisdom!:
"Going "no contact" is really hard at first, but it's the fastest way to move on with your life freed from his insanity. The problem with listening to this **** over and over is that it makes you vulnerable, because he believes it's true. If you hear it over and over and said with absolute conviction, it starts to brainwash you."
Yes. Because he believes it's true, wants it to be true, wants you to think its true because then it might be true...
It is not true. It is an elaborate fantasy. Back away from the sad illusion, the smoke & mirrors that he is desperately trying to construct to cover his hopeless reality!
Just turn away!
It is not true...
"Going "no contact" is really hard at first, but it's the fastest way to move on with your life freed from his insanity. The problem with listening to this **** over and over is that it makes you vulnerable, because he believes it's true. If you hear it over and over and said with absolute conviction, it starts to brainwash you."
Yes. Because he believes it's true, wants it to be true, wants you to think its true because then it might be true...
It is not true. It is an elaborate fantasy. Back away from the sad illusion, the smoke & mirrors that he is desperately trying to construct to cover his hopeless reality!
Just turn away!
It is not true...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
He is trying to manipulate you into giving him your life because he has not built a life of his own.
Grown-up men arrive with a life of their own, that they built & are proud of having built...
Grown-up men arrive with a life of their own, that they built & are proud of having built...
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
It is horrible that drinking and drugs can rob someone of a decent life. It is worse even that it can rob two or more when only one is using. You did the right thing. There is not reason for his actions to take your life also. Sometimes the best thing for the addict or alcoholic is to be left standing on their own with their problem. It was for me and hopefully it will be for him. For better or worse it is not your problem.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 20
You're so right. So much has become obvious since I had him leave. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but even putting the drugs aside, there were so many problems that he just didn't want to look at. As hard as the realization is, I know now that I can't fix someone else's life. I wanted to, I truly wanted him to succeed and be happy. I came from a hellish childhood, and while I'm not even close to perfect, I work hard every day to forge a different life from the one I grew up living. It's hard, and my past tries to sabotage my thinking all the time, but with counseling, hard work, and determination, I'm proof that it can be done. I wanted to see him want the same for himself. I wanted him to want better and work towards it. I saw the person he could be when he was trying and I loved that guy. Sadly, I started seeing less and less of that guy.
I'm still struggling with feeling like I've given up on him, but I gave him ample opportunity to come clean. He knew that as long as he was honest with me and putting in the work, I would have stood by him.
He changed so much in such a short amount of time. The arguments we were having at the end were insane and I saw myself changing as well, and not for the better. I said things in sheer anger and defense that I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for. That isn't me, I'm not a cruel person, but God, it was like he was trying to put me over the edge sometimes. Nothing made sense anymore. The things he would say and do were crazy. And then he'd swear he never said them! There were points that I was seriously questioning if maybe I was losing my mind, but I wasn't, I was reacting to what was being said and done to me that I knew was so wrong.
I blocked him last night. It hurt like hell to do it. I wish nothing but the very best for him and pray every night that he somehow finds his way. He has his parents and family, who aren't any help because they refuse to see a thing wrong, although he's put them through hell too over the years, but I can't fight him and them. I have to pull myself back together and heal somehow. And I will.
I'm headed to the beach with my sister this weekend for some girl time and peace. I feel like I just desperately need peace right now after all this. I want to be the happy and optimistic person I was before all of this craziness. I hope she's still there somewhere.
Thanks again everyone. Your support is priceless.
I'm still struggling with feeling like I've given up on him, but I gave him ample opportunity to come clean. He knew that as long as he was honest with me and putting in the work, I would have stood by him.
He changed so much in such a short amount of time. The arguments we were having at the end were insane and I saw myself changing as well, and not for the better. I said things in sheer anger and defense that I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for. That isn't me, I'm not a cruel person, but God, it was like he was trying to put me over the edge sometimes. Nothing made sense anymore. The things he would say and do were crazy. And then he'd swear he never said them! There were points that I was seriously questioning if maybe I was losing my mind, but I wasn't, I was reacting to what was being said and done to me that I knew was so wrong.
I blocked him last night. It hurt like hell to do it. I wish nothing but the very best for him and pray every night that he somehow finds his way. He has his parents and family, who aren't any help because they refuse to see a thing wrong, although he's put them through hell too over the years, but I can't fight him and them. I have to pull myself back together and heal somehow. And I will.
I'm headed to the beach with my sister this weekend for some girl time and peace. I feel like I just desperately need peace right now after all this. I want to be the happy and optimistic person I was before all of this craziness. I hope she's still there somewhere.
Thanks again everyone. Your support is priceless.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I wanted to see him want the same for himself. I wanted him to want better and work towards it. I saw the person he could be when he was trying and I loved that guy
did you ever watch the movie with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, called The Break Up?
Brooke: No. See? That's not what I want.
Gary: You just said that you want me to help you do the dishes.
Brooke: I want you to want to do the dishes.
Gary: Why would I want to do dishes?
Brooke: Why? See, that's my whole point.
when we begin to want them to want what we want FOR them, we've moved from partner/equal to mom/boss/director.
when we start having a relationship with who they COULD be, we will be stunned when dammit if they don't keeping acting like WHO THEY ARE.
we will never get them to WANT to do the dishes.
anymore than we can make cats WANT to swim.
did you ever watch the movie with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, called The Break Up?
Brooke: No. See? That's not what I want.
Gary: You just said that you want me to help you do the dishes.
Brooke: I want you to want to do the dishes.
Gary: Why would I want to do dishes?
Brooke: Why? See, that's my whole point.
when we begin to want them to want what we want FOR them, we've moved from partner/equal to mom/boss/director.
when we start having a relationship with who they COULD be, we will be stunned when dammit if they don't keeping acting like WHO THEY ARE.
we will never get them to WANT to do the dishes.
anymore than we can make cats WANT to swim.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 4
I could have written that same exact post myself
My AXH is exactly as you described in your post. He was a sort of dry drunk for some years and I think he really tried in his own way, but of course without facing the issue there can never be real progress. The worst part is we have two beautiful girls together and he's ruined my life and is ruining theirs. He makes more money than I do but it's gone. We are possibly losing our home. My credit is ruined. Bill collectors calling, my kids are going to have such a drastic lifestyle change and it's the hardest thing to watch. Sit by and know that there is NOTHING I can do to stop it.
He won't even admit he has a problem. I'm in danger of losing my job, filing bankruptcy, it's a mess. I love him and I pray for him every day.
The insults and verbal abuse are unbearable and the things he says to our girls about me are lies and horrible.
His mother deny deny deny. And cover it up. Hide him. Help him. Poor woman is runnning around like a maniac dripping with the disease herself.
She recently told me that I am the devil and a liar because her son is fine.
He ruined his life and mine and now hers as well but she's too codependent to see.
I have been in recovery now for 6 months. I see a therapist and go to meetings once a week with my oldest at al Ateen it's been great. I have detached and I don't engage in the crazy conversations. I'm great at establishing boundaries.
I don't want to lose hope that he'll find recovery soon. My girls need their dad.
I know we can't be together right now and I'd support the recovery process for us all, whatever it Takes.
We've been married for 10 years this month. I don't want to give up hope but I'm definitely taking care for of myself.
He won't even admit he has a problem. I'm in danger of losing my job, filing bankruptcy, it's a mess. I love him and I pray for him every day.
The insults and verbal abuse are unbearable and the things he says to our girls about me are lies and horrible.
His mother deny deny deny. And cover it up. Hide him. Help him. Poor woman is runnning around like a maniac dripping with the disease herself.
She recently told me that I am the devil and a liar because her son is fine.
He ruined his life and mine and now hers as well but she's too codependent to see.
I have been in recovery now for 6 months. I see a therapist and go to meetings once a week with my oldest at al Ateen it's been great. I have detached and I don't engage in the crazy conversations. I'm great at establishing boundaries.
I don't want to lose hope that he'll find recovery soon. My girls need their dad.
I know we can't be together right now and I'd support the recovery process for us all, whatever it Takes.
We've been married for 10 years this month. I don't want to give up hope but I'm definitely taking care for of myself.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
