How do you know when you can trust them again?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 3
How do you know when you can trust them again?
I am new here and have spent the last hour pouring through the threads.
I NEED ADVISE!!! When I first met my (now husband) he was funny, charming, caring and a total alcoholic. Except, I had NO IDEA what an alcoholic actually was...... We had the best time drinking and going out with friends. I had been a single mom for several years and it was so nice to have someone want to take me out and just have fun. He would blow his entire paycheck on a night out. So, the next time we would go out, guess who paid!!! Me. Looking back, I cringe at how NAIVE I was. We would fight over how much he would drink in a night. I would even count his beers for him. Maybe he was unaware of how much he was drinking, and if I showed him, them he would be as shocked as I was. Ha ha, yea right. We had horrible fights over his lack of boundaries. It has taken me many years to figure out I didn't have boundaries either, and that I was Co-Dependent. I had never heard of Co-Dependency before. Fast forward a year and we were married. I was immediately pregnant and he was continually drunk, verbally abusive, manipulative, lied constantly, and slept all the time. I moved out while I was pregnant, then moved right back in after the baby was born. I was SURE that he would want to be a good dad and stop drinking. By year 2, I filed a restraining order against him and kicked him out. He was never physically violent. I had just had enough and I knew that the restraining order was the only way to get him to leave. He was unable to keep a job, and only cared about his cigarettes, beer and cell phone staying on. Free load much? I was completely baffled. Livid, but baffled. I just KNEW that by kicking him out, that he would "get it" and straighten up. Not only did he not get it, I didn't either. I still thought I was going to "help" him through this and we would get on with our lives..... if ONLY we could past this bump in road. I had even filed for divorce during this time, and he agreed to sign the papers, even though he didn't want a divorce. A year later, he had stopped drinking and we were back together. Whew, we made it. EXCEPT something wasn't right. I could not figure out what it the world was going on. Little did I know that you could get high on Oxy. He had only switched his addiction. This took another year for me to figure out. Pills are SO MUCH easier to hide. He was hiding tones of them in the toe of his shoes. He was working, but there were always the dumbest reasons why his check was short. Like $400 short. He would say that something went out on the car, or his boss disfigured his hours, or he must of dropped some out of his wallet. The low point was when he traded my sons dirt bike for pills.....I was so beyond livid. So, we fought and he went into rehab. He wanted to go, and was ready to get clean. Ok, Now, repeat that cycle for the next 4 years. We tried inpatient, outpatient, IOP, detox and hard core rehab....... My heart broke over and over again. We loved each other, and this disease is killing us. In between the horribleness of it all, I loves this man with ever fiber of my being. Finally, we separated again. He had been traveling out of town on jobs and was drinking again. This lasted for a year. He broke down (again) and said he wanted to get help. So he moved into a Sober Living house 2 years ago, and has been clean every since. During the first year, we just sort of co- parented for the kids, remained on friendly terms, but knew we needed a break from our toxic mess. This past year, we have worked really hard at setting boundaries, moving through the 12 steps, communicating expectations, forgiveness and untangling what happened. I have forgiven him, and he has apologized many times over for what he put me and the kids through. He has a good job and has KEPT the same good job for over a year. He has an amazing sponsor that he has a close relationship with. Mostly, his attitude has changed, the way he processes information has changed. He can LISTEN to what I am saying and respond with a mature answer. (instead of being defensive and playing the victim). There is humbleness now, where before there was arrogance and narcissism.
SO, My question is this!?!? We have talked about him moving back home. We have talked in depth about how we will handle conflicts, set boundaries and go back into counseling to keep us on track. He will continue his 3x a week NA/AA meetings. This is something we have been discussing for the last 6 months. I feel that we are ready, but I still worry. Am I being naive? Not seeing things clearly? Is it too soon? Will we ever be ready? He says he is ready, but doesn't want to ever relapse again. I know that it is a day by day thing with addicts. HELP!!!! Advise PLEASE from wives/baby mommas that have been in similar situations and circumstances. Honest opinions are welcome. Thank you to anyone and everyone that was able to read this long post.
I NEED ADVISE!!! When I first met my (now husband) he was funny, charming, caring and a total alcoholic. Except, I had NO IDEA what an alcoholic actually was...... We had the best time drinking and going out with friends. I had been a single mom for several years and it was so nice to have someone want to take me out and just have fun. He would blow his entire paycheck on a night out. So, the next time we would go out, guess who paid!!! Me. Looking back, I cringe at how NAIVE I was. We would fight over how much he would drink in a night. I would even count his beers for him. Maybe he was unaware of how much he was drinking, and if I showed him, them he would be as shocked as I was. Ha ha, yea right. We had horrible fights over his lack of boundaries. It has taken me many years to figure out I didn't have boundaries either, and that I was Co-Dependent. I had never heard of Co-Dependency before. Fast forward a year and we were married. I was immediately pregnant and he was continually drunk, verbally abusive, manipulative, lied constantly, and slept all the time. I moved out while I was pregnant, then moved right back in after the baby was born. I was SURE that he would want to be a good dad and stop drinking. By year 2, I filed a restraining order against him and kicked him out. He was never physically violent. I had just had enough and I knew that the restraining order was the only way to get him to leave. He was unable to keep a job, and only cared about his cigarettes, beer and cell phone staying on. Free load much? I was completely baffled. Livid, but baffled. I just KNEW that by kicking him out, that he would "get it" and straighten up. Not only did he not get it, I didn't either. I still thought I was going to "help" him through this and we would get on with our lives..... if ONLY we could past this bump in road. I had even filed for divorce during this time, and he agreed to sign the papers, even though he didn't want a divorce. A year later, he had stopped drinking and we were back together. Whew, we made it. EXCEPT something wasn't right. I could not figure out what it the world was going on. Little did I know that you could get high on Oxy. He had only switched his addiction. This took another year for me to figure out. Pills are SO MUCH easier to hide. He was hiding tones of them in the toe of his shoes. He was working, but there were always the dumbest reasons why his check was short. Like $400 short. He would say that something went out on the car, or his boss disfigured his hours, or he must of dropped some out of his wallet. The low point was when he traded my sons dirt bike for pills.....I was so beyond livid. So, we fought and he went into rehab. He wanted to go, and was ready to get clean. Ok, Now, repeat that cycle for the next 4 years. We tried inpatient, outpatient, IOP, detox and hard core rehab....... My heart broke over and over again. We loved each other, and this disease is killing us. In between the horribleness of it all, I loves this man with ever fiber of my being. Finally, we separated again. He had been traveling out of town on jobs and was drinking again. This lasted for a year. He broke down (again) and said he wanted to get help. So he moved into a Sober Living house 2 years ago, and has been clean every since. During the first year, we just sort of co- parented for the kids, remained on friendly terms, but knew we needed a break from our toxic mess. This past year, we have worked really hard at setting boundaries, moving through the 12 steps, communicating expectations, forgiveness and untangling what happened. I have forgiven him, and he has apologized many times over for what he put me and the kids through. He has a good job and has KEPT the same good job for over a year. He has an amazing sponsor that he has a close relationship with. Mostly, his attitude has changed, the way he processes information has changed. He can LISTEN to what I am saying and respond with a mature answer. (instead of being defensive and playing the victim). There is humbleness now, where before there was arrogance and narcissism.
SO, My question is this!?!? We have talked about him moving back home. We have talked in depth about how we will handle conflicts, set boundaries and go back into counseling to keep us on track. He will continue his 3x a week NA/AA meetings. This is something we have been discussing for the last 6 months. I feel that we are ready, but I still worry. Am I being naive? Not seeing things clearly? Is it too soon? Will we ever be ready? He says he is ready, but doesn't want to ever relapse again. I know that it is a day by day thing with addicts. HELP!!!! Advise PLEASE from wives/baby mommas that have been in similar situations and circumstances. Honest opinions are welcome. Thank you to anyone and everyone that was able to read this long post.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Well, not a wife or baby mama. Sorry. I have posted this before. Addiction looks like addiction. Recovery looks like recovery. He has been two years clean and sober? He is working a recovery program? Hard?
How do you feel about it? What does your gut say?
There are no guarantees with addicts. He could be in recovery for the rest of his life. He could relapse tomorrow, next month, next year.
But...success stories happen. I have a family member who has been through rehab 3 times, first for oxy, next two for heroin. He has been sober now for 5 years. It works if you want it enough. Do you believe he wants it enough?
How do you feel about it? What does your gut say?
There are no guarantees with addicts. He could be in recovery for the rest of his life. He could relapse tomorrow, next month, next year.
But...success stories happen. I have a family member who has been through rehab 3 times, first for oxy, next two for heroin. He has been sober now for 5 years. It works if you want it enough. Do you believe he wants it enough?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 3
He seems much more serious about his recovery this time around. I can tell a huge difference in his attitude towards life in general. He has been in AA and NA for 10 years, but it has only been these last 2 years that he has become serious about doing the hard work of ACTUALLY working through the steps. He says he learns more and more about himself each time he goes through the steps. As for my gut feeling, I am not sure what I feel. The thought of him relapsing makes me physically ill. What I really want is a guarantee, and I know that there isn't one. He began drinking at a young age, so even though he has made a lot of progress, I still feel like I am married to someone that is having to learn what is means to be mature. His life is fairly centered around the AA groups and friends, which is fine most of the time, but, sometimes I wish he would engage more in being a parent and I am not sure that will ever happen.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
What do you want? What does your instinct tell you? What would your plan be if he did come back and then relapsed?
I am glad he has found recovery and seems to have held on to it for 2 years. That's a good sign and good signs are all you will get, there are no guarantees with addiction. Many find recovery and hang on to it forever, others go in and out of the revolving door of addiction/recovery/relapse for years and years. My son is one of the latter and I always have felt bad for the ladies in his life and worse for the children that he has been unable to be a good father to.
If you do take him back, it would be wise to have your boundaries in place. Maybe a trial period of 3 months or 6 months might help you both decide if this is working.
I'm glad you found us and hope you find comfort and strength here.
Hugs
I am glad he has found recovery and seems to have held on to it for 2 years. That's a good sign and good signs are all you will get, there are no guarantees with addiction. Many find recovery and hang on to it forever, others go in and out of the revolving door of addiction/recovery/relapse for years and years. My son is one of the latter and I always have felt bad for the ladies in his life and worse for the children that he has been unable to be a good father to.
If you do take him back, it would be wise to have your boundaries in place. Maybe a trial period of 3 months or 6 months might help you both decide if this is working.
I'm glad you found us and hope you find comfort and strength here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
For myself, I would transition him into a regular apartment for a while and see how he does on his own.
An addict is an addict. There is ALWAYS a chance they will relapse, even after years. So it's really up to you to decide if you can live with that thought in your head, and be able to live like a normal person.
Personally, I could not, but my XAH continues to use, and has mental issues to boot. It's great that he has two years, that is a true accomplishment for him to be proud of. If he wants it badly, and is willing to work for it, every single day, he can definitely do it.
Hugs to you during this tough time.
An addict is an addict. There is ALWAYS a chance they will relapse, even after years. So it's really up to you to decide if you can live with that thought in your head, and be able to live like a normal person.
Personally, I could not, but my XAH continues to use, and has mental issues to boot. It's great that he has two years, that is a true accomplishment for him to be proud of. If he wants it badly, and is willing to work for it, every single day, he can definitely do it.
Hugs to you during this tough time.
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