Trying to Make Sense of it All...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 20
Trying to Make Sense of it All...
This is my first post since leaving my addicted (recovered, who knows anymore!) fiance a month ago. While I know I'm relatively sure I made the right decision, I'm sometimes hit with these intense moments of wondering if what I saw happening, actually happened. He was so adamant that I was seeing things, and that he was doing nothing wrong, so I guess I'm just looking for someone to help me make sense of
everything.
I (re)met my fiance almost 2 years ago. We'd known each other when we were younger, but lost touch for many years. Things progressed quickly with us, and I honestly thought we were a match made in heaven. He was kind, loving, gentle, and so caring. We had so much fun together and really worked well as a couple.
This lasted until it didn't. Looking back, there were quite a few instances that gave me pause, but I looked past them, thinking I was reading into more than I needed to be. And we were so great together, so why rock the boat, right? :/
Six months later, he moved in. It was wonderful. We were so in love and living our dream. We went on vacations, we remodeled the house, he got a new job making good money, and it was just perfect. And then it wasn't. He started telling me about things from his past that really concerned me. He had a previous DWI, he had a previous addiction to Percocet, he had a previous addiction to cocaine, he used to go out and take mollies, he was in MASSIVE credit card debt, his apartment was being foreclosed on, etc. I voiced my concern and he explained that it was all in the past, he'd learned his lessons, didn't want that kind of life anymore, and had everything he's ever wanted, so that life was far behind him. Apparently, I'm an idiot because I trusted him and had faith that he was serious. I mean, if he wasn't ready to live an honest life and get things on track, he would't be so honest with me about his past, right?
One night we were having a discussion about his previous job. It was a point of serious contention with him because, according to him, he was unfairly fired. I believed this because he has an actual lawsuit against the company that fired him. Apparently, he was having some issues with depression and went to a psychiatrist who prescribed him medication. According to him, the Dr. prescribed him too high a dose and he started to hallucinate. He thought his boss was hiding in his apartment spying on him. He called work, got his boss on the phone, and started screaming at him asking why he was sneaking around in his apartment spying on him. He (ex-fiance) even called the police, who came to the apartment and saw that nobody was there. Obviously, since the boss was at work, he couldn't have been in the apartment! I had serious concerns after hearing this story, however, I also do know for a fact that there is a lawsuit against the company for firing him, so it was all just a bunch of confusion to me. I honestly still don't know what to think of all this??
One night, he went out with friends. He stayed over because they were drinking and he didn't want to drive. I went out shopping and he called while I was out. He confessed to doing cocaine that night and said he couldn't hide it from me because I deserved to know the truth and he always promised to be honest. Obviously, I wasn't happy about it at all. His excuse was that he didn't want to be out and he was tired, so he did it to stay awake. Ok...and I was born yesterday. The insult to my intelligence was always a source of resentment with us over that one. But, being the understanding fiance that I was, I told him that I appreciated his honesty (about doing it, not the lie about why he did it), but I was not happy about it, and that there would be no second chance. I would not tolerate him doing drugs, and I certainly would not live with someone who did them. I grew up in an alcoholic/addicted home with both parents and as an adult, I will not re-live that life for anyone.
Things seemed ok after that. There were moments that I questioned, but he was home all of the time besides work, and he can be hyper
and moody normally (hmm...), so I put the concerns aside and figured I was just being overly sensitive because of my childhood with addicts.
Right before Thanksgiving, he injured himself at work. We ended up taking him to the emergency room where he was given morphine via IV, which supposedly didn't even touch his pain. They added Dilaudid via IV, and that still didn't touch his pain according to him. They kept him for a few days for observation and sent him home with a prescription for Hydrocodone. Because of his previous issues, I said that it may be best for me to hold onto them so he wasn't tempted and he LOST IT! We had the biggest fight of our entire relationship. I gave him the bottle and told him to do what he wanted, I wasn't going to put myself through it, however, if it became a problem, we were done. I didn't really pay any more attention after that, but once he ran out, he suddenly had a toothache. He went to the dentist and got another script. I checked that bottle after two days and he seemed to be taking them as prescribed, 1 every 4-6 hours. Ok. That script ran out and he then went to his primary care doctor complaining of another toothache (couldn't get in with a dentist right away) and received another script. Now I know it's coming. I'm starting to see serious changes in his behaviour (sleeping a lot, much more moody than usual, off in his own world, loss of appetite) and I'm preparing, admittedly, for the hell that is about to befall me.
At this time, I was working with my physician to find a medication that would work for my ADD and my severe problem concentrating at work. My prior physician had prescribed me Adderall last year, but after taking one, it sent me into a full blown panic attack, so I never took another. My new physician asked me what my previous prescription was and I told her - she asked me how many milligrams I was prescribed, so I had to get the bottle to look. I picked it up and nearly threw up. The entire bottle, save for about 7 pills, was gone. I was speechless. And heartbroken. I decided to check another prescription that I had in the cabinet - Tramadol from 2015 that I received after an ATV accident where I ruptured a disc in my neck. There were exactly 2 pills missing from that bottle - I took the initial dose and one more after that, but both times, I was so sick to my stomach and could do nothing except sleep, so instead they prescribed me 600 mg. Motrin, which helped a lot more. Well, when I took that bottle down, there were about 22 pills missing from it.
I calmly sat down and asked him if he knew what happened to my old meds and he went off the wall. He could NOT believe that I would dare accuse him of taking them, especially after he'd always been so honest with me about his previous addictions. He became the victim and I became the bad guy. He called his parents, sisters, friends, and everyone else he could think of and made me look like the most horrible person on the face of the earth for having the audacity to blame him. I asked him, I didn't blame him, although nobody else is in our house unaccompanied. He was so adamant that he would never do such a thing and swore on everyone and everything.
Eventually, I told him I just wanted him to be honest. He sat down on the couch and sobbed. He admitted that it was him and he didn't know why he did it. Then he stood up and said he had to take a ride. Apparently, he'd called his sister, and when he came back, he said he didn't take them, he only said that so I wouldn't leave him and he was willing to go into a treatment program just so I wouldn't leave him even though he didn't do it?!?! Color me utterly confused. With that, his sister sent me a cruel text telling me that he straightened his life out and that my accusing him was what would lead him back to drugs and to stop comparing him to what happened to me in my childhood. I didn't reply, but at that point, and after having his family text bomb me every single time we'd have a disagreement, I was so angry that I couldn't take another second. I told him to pack his things and go. Not tomorrow, not next week, NOW. At the moment, I knew exactly what was going on and I wasn't going to go through it. I've worked too long and too hard to remove addicted people from my life and the thought of going back there, and reliving that hell, was too much to wrap my mind around. I felt like I was about to be smothered and had to break free no matter what the circumstances were. Leading up to this, for about a month prior, he was increasingly nasty - yelling, throwing things, slamming things, and the mood changes were so fast that I couldn't keep up. He'd fly off the handle over nothing and everything. He'd either sleep all day and night, or he'd be up all night down in his workroom doing God knows what until all hours of the night. And then sleep all day, or lay on the couch all day.
He called the police the night I asked him to leave. I'm still unsure why, and so are they. Apparently he called because I was throwing him out. Obviously the police couldn't do much, but the embarrassment of it all was just another straw that broke the camels back. I live in a close knit area and that type of drama doesn't happen here. He was outside ranting like a lunatic to the police officers and I wanted to die, right then and there. They came in and spoke to me and the one officer said I was doing the right thing once I explained the situation. They gave me a paper with domestic abuse resources and said to call them if I needed them again. I was done. I made him get everything out the very next morning and go back to his parents.
Oddly, he left almost everything he owned except for his clothes and a few other things. Everything we bought together, he left. Things he brought when he moved here, he left. Things he bought while he was here, he left. It just seemed odd to me. I told him that what was his, he was free to take, and what we bought together, we could split. He wanted to take nothing.
I haven't heard a thing from him since he left, except one text where he told me that he'd never forgive me for hurting him, calling him a drug addict (I never said those words), and making him leave. He gave me everything and treated me so well, and I appreciated none of it. He's moving forward in life now and he hopes I'm happy with my decision.
I guess I just need confirmation that I wasn't crazy and that there was a problem. My gut tells me I wasn't seeing things, and missing pills definitely solidifies that, but I don't know, like I said, I have these moments of wondering if I dodged a bullet or if my past got the best of me and I jumped and panicked. I just saw so many issues coming down the track and wasn't willing to lose what I've worked so hard for.
I feel like the meanest person on earth. I especially feel that way because there are moments where I'm so happy that he's gone and I don't have to walk on eggshells or watch everything I say, because no matter what it was, he would take it as a direct attack on his character and turn into a raging, emotional, lunatic. There was no more communication because their couldn't be - anything brought up turned into a world war. He was a perpetual victim of everything and every single thing that has ever gone wrong in his life was someone else's fault. Everyone beat him down according to him and I was the only one that understood and saw the good in him. And I walked away, too. So yeah, there's the guilt that I'm dealing with.
Drugs aside, I realize this was an unhealthy relationship. I'm in counseling now, because obviously there are still things I need to work on as far as seeing the writing on the wall and not trusting my gut when its screaming that something isn't right. Right now, I just want to be alone to process it all. Thankfully he isn't trying to reach me, but that, while it's good and helpful to get over it, makes me realize just how much he hates me and blames me for ruining his life. His family completely blames me as well - even though they've been down the addiction road with him before, it's all my fault.
I'm just exhausted. Little by little I'm getting back to the person I was before this hell ride, but those nagging feelings of wondering if I was wrong and he was telling the truth (I know he wasn't) because he always swore he was so honest and I'm the only one who doesn't believe him, still hold me back.
I'm sorry this was so long. I guess it was me getting it out after a month of holding it in as much as it was for seeking some advice.
everything.
I (re)met my fiance almost 2 years ago. We'd known each other when we were younger, but lost touch for many years. Things progressed quickly with us, and I honestly thought we were a match made in heaven. He was kind, loving, gentle, and so caring. We had so much fun together and really worked well as a couple.
This lasted until it didn't. Looking back, there were quite a few instances that gave me pause, but I looked past them, thinking I was reading into more than I needed to be. And we were so great together, so why rock the boat, right? :/
Six months later, he moved in. It was wonderful. We were so in love and living our dream. We went on vacations, we remodeled the house, he got a new job making good money, and it was just perfect. And then it wasn't. He started telling me about things from his past that really concerned me. He had a previous DWI, he had a previous addiction to Percocet, he had a previous addiction to cocaine, he used to go out and take mollies, he was in MASSIVE credit card debt, his apartment was being foreclosed on, etc. I voiced my concern and he explained that it was all in the past, he'd learned his lessons, didn't want that kind of life anymore, and had everything he's ever wanted, so that life was far behind him. Apparently, I'm an idiot because I trusted him and had faith that he was serious. I mean, if he wasn't ready to live an honest life and get things on track, he would't be so honest with me about his past, right?
One night we were having a discussion about his previous job. It was a point of serious contention with him because, according to him, he was unfairly fired. I believed this because he has an actual lawsuit against the company that fired him. Apparently, he was having some issues with depression and went to a psychiatrist who prescribed him medication. According to him, the Dr. prescribed him too high a dose and he started to hallucinate. He thought his boss was hiding in his apartment spying on him. He called work, got his boss on the phone, and started screaming at him asking why he was sneaking around in his apartment spying on him. He (ex-fiance) even called the police, who came to the apartment and saw that nobody was there. Obviously, since the boss was at work, he couldn't have been in the apartment! I had serious concerns after hearing this story, however, I also do know for a fact that there is a lawsuit against the company for firing him, so it was all just a bunch of confusion to me. I honestly still don't know what to think of all this??
One night, he went out with friends. He stayed over because they were drinking and he didn't want to drive. I went out shopping and he called while I was out. He confessed to doing cocaine that night and said he couldn't hide it from me because I deserved to know the truth and he always promised to be honest. Obviously, I wasn't happy about it at all. His excuse was that he didn't want to be out and he was tired, so he did it to stay awake. Ok...and I was born yesterday. The insult to my intelligence was always a source of resentment with us over that one. But, being the understanding fiance that I was, I told him that I appreciated his honesty (about doing it, not the lie about why he did it), but I was not happy about it, and that there would be no second chance. I would not tolerate him doing drugs, and I certainly would not live with someone who did them. I grew up in an alcoholic/addicted home with both parents and as an adult, I will not re-live that life for anyone.
Things seemed ok after that. There were moments that I questioned, but he was home all of the time besides work, and he can be hyper
and moody normally (hmm...), so I put the concerns aside and figured I was just being overly sensitive because of my childhood with addicts.
Right before Thanksgiving, he injured himself at work. We ended up taking him to the emergency room where he was given morphine via IV, which supposedly didn't even touch his pain. They added Dilaudid via IV, and that still didn't touch his pain according to him. They kept him for a few days for observation and sent him home with a prescription for Hydrocodone. Because of his previous issues, I said that it may be best for me to hold onto them so he wasn't tempted and he LOST IT! We had the biggest fight of our entire relationship. I gave him the bottle and told him to do what he wanted, I wasn't going to put myself through it, however, if it became a problem, we were done. I didn't really pay any more attention after that, but once he ran out, he suddenly had a toothache. He went to the dentist and got another script. I checked that bottle after two days and he seemed to be taking them as prescribed, 1 every 4-6 hours. Ok. That script ran out and he then went to his primary care doctor complaining of another toothache (couldn't get in with a dentist right away) and received another script. Now I know it's coming. I'm starting to see serious changes in his behaviour (sleeping a lot, much more moody than usual, off in his own world, loss of appetite) and I'm preparing, admittedly, for the hell that is about to befall me.
At this time, I was working with my physician to find a medication that would work for my ADD and my severe problem concentrating at work. My prior physician had prescribed me Adderall last year, but after taking one, it sent me into a full blown panic attack, so I never took another. My new physician asked me what my previous prescription was and I told her - she asked me how many milligrams I was prescribed, so I had to get the bottle to look. I picked it up and nearly threw up. The entire bottle, save for about 7 pills, was gone. I was speechless. And heartbroken. I decided to check another prescription that I had in the cabinet - Tramadol from 2015 that I received after an ATV accident where I ruptured a disc in my neck. There were exactly 2 pills missing from that bottle - I took the initial dose and one more after that, but both times, I was so sick to my stomach and could do nothing except sleep, so instead they prescribed me 600 mg. Motrin, which helped a lot more. Well, when I took that bottle down, there were about 22 pills missing from it.
I calmly sat down and asked him if he knew what happened to my old meds and he went off the wall. He could NOT believe that I would dare accuse him of taking them, especially after he'd always been so honest with me about his previous addictions. He became the victim and I became the bad guy. He called his parents, sisters, friends, and everyone else he could think of and made me look like the most horrible person on the face of the earth for having the audacity to blame him. I asked him, I didn't blame him, although nobody else is in our house unaccompanied. He was so adamant that he would never do such a thing and swore on everyone and everything.
Eventually, I told him I just wanted him to be honest. He sat down on the couch and sobbed. He admitted that it was him and he didn't know why he did it. Then he stood up and said he had to take a ride. Apparently, he'd called his sister, and when he came back, he said he didn't take them, he only said that so I wouldn't leave him and he was willing to go into a treatment program just so I wouldn't leave him even though he didn't do it?!?! Color me utterly confused. With that, his sister sent me a cruel text telling me that he straightened his life out and that my accusing him was what would lead him back to drugs and to stop comparing him to what happened to me in my childhood. I didn't reply, but at that point, and after having his family text bomb me every single time we'd have a disagreement, I was so angry that I couldn't take another second. I told him to pack his things and go. Not tomorrow, not next week, NOW. At the moment, I knew exactly what was going on and I wasn't going to go through it. I've worked too long and too hard to remove addicted people from my life and the thought of going back there, and reliving that hell, was too much to wrap my mind around. I felt like I was about to be smothered and had to break free no matter what the circumstances were. Leading up to this, for about a month prior, he was increasingly nasty - yelling, throwing things, slamming things, and the mood changes were so fast that I couldn't keep up. He'd fly off the handle over nothing and everything. He'd either sleep all day and night, or he'd be up all night down in his workroom doing God knows what until all hours of the night. And then sleep all day, or lay on the couch all day.
He called the police the night I asked him to leave. I'm still unsure why, and so are they. Apparently he called because I was throwing him out. Obviously the police couldn't do much, but the embarrassment of it all was just another straw that broke the camels back. I live in a close knit area and that type of drama doesn't happen here. He was outside ranting like a lunatic to the police officers and I wanted to die, right then and there. They came in and spoke to me and the one officer said I was doing the right thing once I explained the situation. They gave me a paper with domestic abuse resources and said to call them if I needed them again. I was done. I made him get everything out the very next morning and go back to his parents.
Oddly, he left almost everything he owned except for his clothes and a few other things. Everything we bought together, he left. Things he brought when he moved here, he left. Things he bought while he was here, he left. It just seemed odd to me. I told him that what was his, he was free to take, and what we bought together, we could split. He wanted to take nothing.
I haven't heard a thing from him since he left, except one text where he told me that he'd never forgive me for hurting him, calling him a drug addict (I never said those words), and making him leave. He gave me everything and treated me so well, and I appreciated none of it. He's moving forward in life now and he hopes I'm happy with my decision.
I guess I just need confirmation that I wasn't crazy and that there was a problem. My gut tells me I wasn't seeing things, and missing pills definitely solidifies that, but I don't know, like I said, I have these moments of wondering if I dodged a bullet or if my past got the best of me and I jumped and panicked. I just saw so many issues coming down the track and wasn't willing to lose what I've worked so hard for.
I feel like the meanest person on earth. I especially feel that way because there are moments where I'm so happy that he's gone and I don't have to walk on eggshells or watch everything I say, because no matter what it was, he would take it as a direct attack on his character and turn into a raging, emotional, lunatic. There was no more communication because their couldn't be - anything brought up turned into a world war. He was a perpetual victim of everything and every single thing that has ever gone wrong in his life was someone else's fault. Everyone beat him down according to him and I was the only one that understood and saw the good in him. And I walked away, too. So yeah, there's the guilt that I'm dealing with.
Drugs aside, I realize this was an unhealthy relationship. I'm in counseling now, because obviously there are still things I need to work on as far as seeing the writing on the wall and not trusting my gut when its screaming that something isn't right. Right now, I just want to be alone to process it all. Thankfully he isn't trying to reach me, but that, while it's good and helpful to get over it, makes me realize just how much he hates me and blames me for ruining his life. His family completely blames me as well - even though they've been down the addiction road with him before, it's all my fault.
I'm just exhausted. Little by little I'm getting back to the person I was before this hell ride, but those nagging feelings of wondering if I was wrong and he was telling the truth (I know he wasn't) because he always swore he was so honest and I'm the only one who doesn't believe him, still hold me back.
I'm sorry this was so long. I guess it was me getting it out after a month of holding it in as much as it was for seeking some advice.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
You absolutely did the right thing!
Good and honest people don't have to repeatedly tell you how good and honest they are... they just ARE...they don't need to CONVINCE you. Your instincts knew the truth. I am glad you trusted your gut... too many of us don't get to that point without being on the receiving end of that kind of abuse for years, even decades.
I don't have advice. I am sorry for the hurt and confusion this ordeal has caused you, but I am glad you got out sooner rather then later. You are so much better off buy disallowing addicted behaviour in to your life.
*hugs*
Good and honest people don't have to repeatedly tell you how good and honest they are... they just ARE...they don't need to CONVINCE you. Your instincts knew the truth. I am glad you trusted your gut... too many of us don't get to that point without being on the receiving end of that kind of abuse for years, even decades.
I don't have advice. I am sorry for the hurt and confusion this ordeal has caused you, but I am glad you got out sooner rather then later. You are so much better off buy disallowing addicted behaviour in to your life.
*hugs*
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Of course he was taking drugs. I would bet an appendage on it.
But just to make a point...say he wasn't. Is this erratic, blaming, screaming, family-involving, defensive, raging, police-calling, paranoid, lying, lunatic behavior what you want in a partner? Why would you want to live that way?
You absolutely, 200% did the right thing to rescue your life from that. No matter what.
Bravo.
P.S. I would guess his ex fiancee is an ex for very similar reasons, no matter what he's told you about her.
But just to make a point...say he wasn't. Is this erratic, blaming, screaming, family-involving, defensive, raging, police-calling, paranoid, lying, lunatic behavior what you want in a partner? Why would you want to live that way?
You absolutely, 200% did the right thing to rescue your life from that. No matter what.
Bravo.
P.S. I would guess his ex fiancee is an ex for very similar reasons, no matter what he's told you about her.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Welcome, CelticStorm. I just read your story. Yikes!
I don't know if you have had an opportunity yet to read around this site and learn others' stories.
Sadly, your experience is not that unusual. . Meet someone, fall hard and fast, move in together. Cracks in the SO's stories/personality/behavior start. Confrontation, denial, extreme emotion, anger, blowback from family (who probably liked you fine at the beginning of the relationship) and finally...messy break up.
You are fortunate, though it may not seem so at this moment as you sift through the wreckage of your life with the addict. You are not married to him. You don't have children with him. You lost some pills but, I'm assuming, no money was taken?
Mental trauma aside--considerable, I would guess--you are in a good place to move on and find peace. Keep up with counseling as long as you can afford to, and know in your heart that you absolutely, positively dodged a substantial bullet by trusting your gut. Addiction looks like addiction. Can't be confused with anything else. Peace.
I don't know if you have had an opportunity yet to read around this site and learn others' stories.
Sadly, your experience is not that unusual. . Meet someone, fall hard and fast, move in together. Cracks in the SO's stories/personality/behavior start. Confrontation, denial, extreme emotion, anger, blowback from family (who probably liked you fine at the beginning of the relationship) and finally...messy break up.
You are fortunate, though it may not seem so at this moment as you sift through the wreckage of your life with the addict. You are not married to him. You don't have children with him. You lost some pills but, I'm assuming, no money was taken?
Mental trauma aside--considerable, I would guess--you are in a good place to move on and find peace. Keep up with counseling as long as you can afford to, and know in your heart that you absolutely, positively dodged a substantial bullet by trusting your gut. Addiction looks like addiction. Can't be confused with anything else. Peace.
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
CelticStorm you did absolutely the right thing and i hope therapy will help you let go of any second guessing and guilt.
your post is phenomenal, describes an addict's behavior in protecting their addiction to a tee by tearing down the person who loves them. i am saving your post to review when i begin to question my instincts about the addict in my life.
"He became the victim and I became the bad guy." this is a basic addict attack that has kept many of us in horrendous situations, sometimes for years. DO NOT BELIEVE IT, not even for another second!
trust your instincts. they are spot on. keep loving yourself enough to know you deserve much, much better. i am so happy you acted and got off the crazy train.
and thank you for sharing. stick around, you're not alone. we understand and really care.
you choose joy! i know you'll find it as you heal.
your post is phenomenal, describes an addict's behavior in protecting their addiction to a tee by tearing down the person who loves them. i am saving your post to review when i begin to question my instincts about the addict in my life.
"He became the victim and I became the bad guy." this is a basic addict attack that has kept many of us in horrendous situations, sometimes for years. DO NOT BELIEVE IT, not even for another second!
trust your instincts. they are spot on. keep loving yourself enough to know you deserve much, much better. i am so happy you acted and got off the crazy train.
and thank you for sharing. stick around, you're not alone. we understand and really care.
you choose joy! i know you'll find it as you heal.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Hey, CelticStorm. Welcome to SR. I want to commend you for taking yourself out of a destructive situation. A lot of times us codependents will remain in an unhealthy situation by convincing ourselves (or letting our significant other convince us) that it's really not that bad. You're very strong for what you did!
All proof of why you did the right thing.
Originally Posted by CelticStorm 
I grew up in an alcoholic/addicted home with both parents and as an adult, I will not re-live that life for anyone. //. he LOST IT! // He called his parents, sisters, friends, and everyone else he could think of and made me look like the most horrible person on the face of the earth // his sister sent me a cruel text // he was increasingly nasty - yelling, throwing things, slamming things, and the mood changes were so fast that I couldn't keep up. He'd fly off the handle over nothing and everything. He'd either sleep all day and night, or he'd be up all night down in his workroom doing God knows what until all hours of the night. And then sleep all day, or lay on the couch all day. // domestic abuse // there are moments where I'm so happy that he's gone and I don't have to walk on eggshells // raging, emotional, lunatic. // Drugs aside, I realize this was an unhealthy relationship.
Last edited by hope778; 02-12-2017 at 12:06 PM. Reason: Typo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 16
Wow I can't even tell you, in a strange way, what a relief it is to read your story bc it feels so similar to mine. Found out about husbands pill addiction bc I found suboxone. He got clean (but never went to meetings) then shortly after weaning from sub everything changed in a matter of 2 weeks. Mood changes again, lack of interest in anything, more tired. Then I found pills. Then he did cocaine one night (but just that one night of course) then I found adderall then another bag of cocaine. Endless lies. The lies I've caught him in are unbelievable. And yet I am always to blame. He blames me soooo bad that he's divorcing me. The man who always said divorce would never be an option for him. He would never leave his home or his kids. Divorce in 2 seconds. Like it was nothing. Has barely come home. And it's ALLLLL my fault. Everything I have found and all the lies - I am obviously imagining them. It's all very disturbing and upsetting and adding to it, I have to be very careful about my kids. I've demanded drug tests which of course makes me a bad guy again, but ironically I haven't seen one (even though he has told me he's taken numberous and they are all negative). This disease can play some mean tricks on those who are affected by it - making you question what you know is true. You have to just keep reminding yourself you are not crazy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I (re)met my fiance almost 2 years ago. We'd known each other when we were younger, but lost touch for many years. Things progressed quickly with us,
you could have stopped right there.....we all know how this movie ends. the story has been told here on SR often. that rekindling of a long ago youthful romance, the instant connection, the fireworks. and how it all SEEMED so perfect........
til it all fell apart.
he presented the good bits and hid the bad bits. but he could only keep up the game for so long, til who he really was appeared.
smoke and mirrors.
you could have stopped right there.....we all know how this movie ends. the story has been told here on SR often. that rekindling of a long ago youthful romance, the instant connection, the fireworks. and how it all SEEMED so perfect........
til it all fell apart.
he presented the good bits and hid the bad bits. but he could only keep up the game for so long, til who he really was appeared.
smoke and mirrors.
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Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement. It means so much to know that I'm not alone and that I did do the right thing.
I've been conditioned my entire life to feel guilty, so I'm struggling with that to a point, but it's getting better. I mean, he didn't feel too guilty as he was stealing my medication, throwing things around my house, screaming at me, doing drugs in our house behind my back, or lying to my face, right? God, it all makes me so angry.
The posts that I've been reading are eye opening. You think your situation is unique and that nobody could ever understand, and then you find this group and realize that your situation isn't unique at all, sadly. In reality, it's almost like they're all using the same exact reasoning, diversion tactics, excuses, blame games, lies, etc. It's unnerving to say the very least. My heart breaks for anyone else going through this, it's so hard to make sense out of.
The past few months have been a haze of craziness and second guessing of every move I've made, or feeling I've felt. He almost had me convinced that I was losing it and he was the healthy one. He was so adamant that I was seeing things, that he's the most honest person on earth, and that my past childhood with addicted parents was the problem, not him. After all, you know, he did sooo much for me and did all he could to make me happy. He loved me and our life so much, how could I even think he would ever do anything to ruin what we had. Ugh. The sad thing is that you get so confused and off balance from the constant chaos, and so defensive after being told constantly that it's your mind that's causing the problems, that you don't even really have a moment to sit and figure it all out to realize what is truly going on. He kept me so off kilter at the end that I couldn't make sense of any of it if I tried. It wasn't until after I felt like my life and sanity depended on me getting him out of here and he left that I could take a breath and start to see it all for what it was. How terrifying of a ride addiction is!
I guess it hurts, too. It hurts that I went down this road. You would think that growing up in an addicted home, you'd see it coming a mile away, but I convinced myself that he was being truthful and that he loved me and wouldn't risk us. Ha. It hurts that he knew about my childhood and could still do what he did. I know it's what addicts do, but why did he have to do it here and with me? Why would you get involved with someone that you KNOW is adamantly against drugs? It makes no sense to me.
I can't believe that I didn't trust myself to recognize the signs in the beginning. I'm hoping counseling will help me through that part, but I've decided that until it's all figured out, I need to focus on myself and where I've worked so hard to get in life, and stay out of a relationship for a while.
I guess it also hurts that his family blames me for all of this. They know about his previous issues and have been through addiction, rehab, legal troubles, etc. with him since he was young. They let him move right into their basement and I'm sure I'm the worst person in the world after all I've done for him and them. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter anymore, but when they say no good deed goes unpunished, they aren't kidding.
It hurts too that he'd just throw all of this away. Throw us away. We had (I still have) a beautiful home together, great friends, and what I was hoping was a good future together. My friend hired him when he needed a new job and paid him, and treated him, well. He had every opportunity going for him and he destroyed it, but somehow that's all my fault.
I guess I'll just never get that part, or a lot of parts. My mind is still reeling, but I'm slowly getting it all back together. I was offered a new position with a raise at work, and that was a point of contention between us as well, of which I'm still unsure of why, but the gist of it was that he lost a great job unfairly (it's always unfair, and never his fault) and had to watch me climb the ladder at work while he didn't get that chance. Huh??
I've honestly never met anyone in my entire life that is such the perpetual victim. Everything is someone else's fault and never his own. I should have known that eventually, everything would be my fault as well.
I've been conditioned my entire life to feel guilty, so I'm struggling with that to a point, but it's getting better. I mean, he didn't feel too guilty as he was stealing my medication, throwing things around my house, screaming at me, doing drugs in our house behind my back, or lying to my face, right? God, it all makes me so angry.
The posts that I've been reading are eye opening. You think your situation is unique and that nobody could ever understand, and then you find this group and realize that your situation isn't unique at all, sadly. In reality, it's almost like they're all using the same exact reasoning, diversion tactics, excuses, blame games, lies, etc. It's unnerving to say the very least. My heart breaks for anyone else going through this, it's so hard to make sense out of.
The past few months have been a haze of craziness and second guessing of every move I've made, or feeling I've felt. He almost had me convinced that I was losing it and he was the healthy one. He was so adamant that I was seeing things, that he's the most honest person on earth, and that my past childhood with addicted parents was the problem, not him. After all, you know, he did sooo much for me and did all he could to make me happy. He loved me and our life so much, how could I even think he would ever do anything to ruin what we had. Ugh. The sad thing is that you get so confused and off balance from the constant chaos, and so defensive after being told constantly that it's your mind that's causing the problems, that you don't even really have a moment to sit and figure it all out to realize what is truly going on. He kept me so off kilter at the end that I couldn't make sense of any of it if I tried. It wasn't until after I felt like my life and sanity depended on me getting him out of here and he left that I could take a breath and start to see it all for what it was. How terrifying of a ride addiction is!
I guess it hurts, too. It hurts that I went down this road. You would think that growing up in an addicted home, you'd see it coming a mile away, but I convinced myself that he was being truthful and that he loved me and wouldn't risk us. Ha. It hurts that he knew about my childhood and could still do what he did. I know it's what addicts do, but why did he have to do it here and with me? Why would you get involved with someone that you KNOW is adamantly against drugs? It makes no sense to me.
I can't believe that I didn't trust myself to recognize the signs in the beginning. I'm hoping counseling will help me through that part, but I've decided that until it's all figured out, I need to focus on myself and where I've worked so hard to get in life, and stay out of a relationship for a while.
I guess it also hurts that his family blames me for all of this. They know about his previous issues and have been through addiction, rehab, legal troubles, etc. with him since he was young. They let him move right into their basement and I'm sure I'm the worst person in the world after all I've done for him and them. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter anymore, but when they say no good deed goes unpunished, they aren't kidding.
It hurts too that he'd just throw all of this away. Throw us away. We had (I still have) a beautiful home together, great friends, and what I was hoping was a good future together. My friend hired him when he needed a new job and paid him, and treated him, well. He had every opportunity going for him and he destroyed it, but somehow that's all my fault.
I guess I'll just never get that part, or a lot of parts. My mind is still reeling, but I'm slowly getting it all back together. I was offered a new position with a raise at work, and that was a point of contention between us as well, of which I'm still unsure of why, but the gist of it was that he lost a great job unfairly (it's always unfair, and never his fault) and had to watch me climb the ladder at work while he didn't get that chance. Huh??
I've honestly never met anyone in my entire life that is such the perpetual victim. Everything is someone else's fault and never his own. I should have known that eventually, everything would be my fault as well.
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You're so right, Anvil. And the saddest part is that the breakneck speed at which we were moving when it all started unsettled me, but yet, I still kept going with it. I had a deep down feeling that there was a brick wall up ahead somewhere around the bend, but didn't stop myself.
These are the things that bother me the most and run through my head constantly. These are the things that I'm desperate to figure out - why did I feel it, yet not do anything about it? It was exciting, it was fun, it was a bit crazy to be completely honest, and I didn't turn away or try to slow it down. I convinced myself that I was in complete control, and in reality, I had no control. I let myself take the ride. I mistrusted my own judgement and decided to see where it went. And it went.... right over a cliff.
These are the things that bother me the most and run through my head constantly. These are the things that I'm desperate to figure out - why did I feel it, yet not do anything about it? It was exciting, it was fun, it was a bit crazy to be completely honest, and I didn't turn away or try to slow it down. I convinced myself that I was in complete control, and in reality, I had no control. I let myself take the ride. I mistrusted my own judgement and decided to see where it went. And it went.... right over a cliff.
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But maybe that's the good news here...your judgment was excellent. So as hard as all this has been, maybe you've learned that you're smarter than you know and will trust your instincts next time?
Please don't blame yourself too much. We've been conditioned to believe in the romantic fairytales and being swept off our feet and rainbows and sparkles blablabla. Personally, I blame Walt Disney.
Next time, you will be wiser and you will do more of the choosing and less of being chosen.
Brighter days are ahead, I promise.
Please don't blame yourself too much. We've been conditioned to believe in the romantic fairytales and being swept off our feet and rainbows and sparkles blablabla. Personally, I blame Walt Disney.
Next time, you will be wiser and you will do more of the choosing and less of being chosen.
Brighter days are ahead, I promise.
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Thank you Aries, I haven't looked at it that way. I guess that although it took me a while, I did eventually trust my instincts and did the right thing.
I blame Disney, too, lol. What's with that craziness they were selling us kids all those years?!
I'm honestly feeling a lot better. It's hard sometimes when the good memories come back, but I know this will pass and things will be better, but I truly feel bad for him, although maybe I shouldn't, I don't know. It's hard to see someone you care about fall to this disease. After watching it happen so many times in my family, I guess it hurts that much worse to see it with him. I feel like I'm reliving my past, just with someone different this time. It feels like they're trapped in a cage and you just can't reach them, no matter how badly you want to or how hard you try. And you wonder if they feel trapped in there too, or if they don't even realize it and they're ok with it all. I hate to see anyone suffer, but I also know that I didn't deserve the way I was treated and that my own safety and sanity depended on walking away. It kills me that this sickness is so powerful that people will walk away from everything and anything good in their lives to continue following its deadly path. That's a hard thing to accept.
I blame Disney, too, lol. What's with that craziness they were selling us kids all those years?!
I'm honestly feeling a lot better. It's hard sometimes when the good memories come back, but I know this will pass and things will be better, but I truly feel bad for him, although maybe I shouldn't, I don't know. It's hard to see someone you care about fall to this disease. After watching it happen so many times in my family, I guess it hurts that much worse to see it with him. I feel like I'm reliving my past, just with someone different this time. It feels like they're trapped in a cage and you just can't reach them, no matter how badly you want to or how hard you try. And you wonder if they feel trapped in there too, or if they don't even realize it and they're ok with it all. I hate to see anyone suffer, but I also know that I didn't deserve the way I was treated and that my own safety and sanity depended on walking away. It kills me that this sickness is so powerful that people will walk away from everything and anything good in their lives to continue following its deadly path. That's a hard thing to accept.
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Perhaps the therapy can open some windows as to why things went the way they did? Years ago, I was in a relationship with a man who was seeing me and seeing someone else. Neither of us knew about the other. But when it all came out, as these situations tend to do, i came to see that all the signs were there. I just didn't want to see them. I wanted so, so much to have a life with this man that I ignored many danger signs. We all have a dream of a life with someone worthy, someone good. It can be hard to let go of that dream sometimes.
And in the ironic way that life can go, within days of breaking up with Mr. Bigtime Liar, and having sworn off men forever, I met the man who is now my husband and a totally stand up guy. Life is a funny old dog sometimes. Peace.
And in the ironic way that life can go, within days of breaking up with Mr. Bigtime Liar, and having sworn off men forever, I met the man who is now my husband and a totally stand up guy. Life is a funny old dog sometimes. Peace.
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Celtic - so sorry you are going through this. I am sending you lots of positive thoughts and encouragement. I completely agree with what everyone has already said, most significantly the part about you absolutely doing the right thing! As someone who is currently dealing with her newlywed husband's secret addiction out on the table and his very early stages of recovery, I find myself envious of your situation - deciding to have the addict (active or recovering) out of your life. I admire your strength and how you followed your intuition.
Such an interesting statement, Aries! This really spoke to me. When I first met my RAH, it was the first time I'd just fallen into a relationship without much thought or effort on my own part. He pursued me pretty hard and suddenly we were just together all the time. At the time, I felt this was a sign we were meant to be together because it felt 'natural' and easy and all of my previous relationships had involved much more effort on my part. But now looking back, I can't help but feel like he manipulated me into being with him... the same way he/his addiction manipulated me into cleaning up his messes, giving him endless money, and accepting a life less than the one I envisioned for myself.
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Next time, you will be wiser and you will do more of the choosing and less of being chosen.
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Brokenwife, you hit home with this:
"He persued me pretty hard and suddenly we were just together all the time. At the time, I felt this was a sign we were meant to be together because it felt 'natural' and easy..."
This was us. We didn't want to be away from each other, ever. It all felt so right, so natural, and like this was how it was always supposed to be. How easy it is to look past the red flags when your fairytale is playing out right there before you, right?
The part that bothers me the most is that I had this nagging feeling the entire time that this fairytale would turn into a nightmare eventually the more I heard bits and pieces of his past. Part of me knew that it all seemed a little crazy that we were going at this breakneck speed. But the chemistry we had between us was such a strong force and since we missed our chance when we were younger, it was even more of a fairytale, because we found each other again and so it just HAD to be meant to be, right?! Who was I to stop fate?
I started to see things with my own eyes, things that should have made me cut and run, but I told myself that we loved each other so much and love that strong could make anything turn out perfectly. I could kick myself! I'd sit and listen to him break down over the mistakes he'd made in the past and how he's such a changed person now, and that he would NEVER do ANYTHING to ruin what we had, and like an idiot, I made myself believe it. Because, you know, my magical wishing would make it all ok. He wouldn't want to get married and have a life with someone so vehemently against drugs and irresponsibility if he wasn't telling the truth, would he? Ugh. I still don't understand that part.
We get so caught up in the fantasy that we don't see the truth staring us in the face. Or we do, but we don't want to believe it. Stil on the fence about which it is - maybe a little of both?
I know this much as this point....
Relationships need time. We need to give people time to unfold to see who they really are. Full speed ahead doesn't give you that time to watch and see. You can't be objective when your being washed away in excitement, passion, chemistry, and emotions. Everyone has their best foot forward in the beginning, and it takes time to see the real person you're dealing with. If I ever decide to get into another relationship, of which I'm dead against right now, I will RUN the first moment someone starts falling all over me immediately and wants to spend every second with me off the bat, telling me that I'm everything they've ever wanted and how I'm so perfect for them and the only one that understands them. I'm taking all that as a gigantic, waving, reddest of red, red flags.
It's all a lot to deal with, I know. I'm so sorry that you're going through this, I truly am. It's hell. It feels like your world just crumbled around you and you're standing in the middle of the wreckage, stuck, not knowing what to do next or how to even begin making sense of it. We weren't married, but we were close - invitations, down payments, venues, dress, and all. I haven't told anyone yet, and don't quite have the strength to at this moment. I've only talked about it here, to my counselor, and to my sister. I haven't had anyone over, because it doesn't even look like he's left. He took nothing except his clothes and a few small things that he'd need for work. He left everything. I'm grateful that I still have all of our furniture, TV's, and such, but it's also unsettling that he didn't care to take a thing.
I know it's addiction and what addicts do, and I'm trying not to take it personally, but he left and that was it. A month later and besides a text saying he'll never forgive me and blaming me for everything, and that he's moving forward in his life, I don't know if he's dead, alive, ok, not ok, nothing. He gave it all up, everything we had, for drugs and his old lifestyle with his old addict friends. Like it was easy. And that hurts like hell. I'm left wondering if he ever really loved me at all. It's surreal. If there are people out there that can act like you're the only thing in their life that mattered for 2 years and then just go and never look back, I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust another soul in a relationship again.
Brokenwife, look out for yourself, please. When it comes down to the wire, it doesn't matter how good you were to him, how much you did for him, or how hard you tried to be the understanding, loving, caring wife. None of that will matter. It won't matter how much you did for his family or how much crap you swallowed to make things work and make him see a better way. They'll take what they want and somehow, in the end, it'll be your fault, which gets heaped on top of already feeling broken, hurt beyond hurt, and confused. I promise you that he is looking out for HIM. And you need to look out for YOU.
I'm probably not the best person to talk to about happy endings with addiction. I've only known 2 people out of so many that beat it and stayed the course, both women. My past is scattered with addicted family members and friends that I've tried to help through addiction, to include my own parents. If your own children aren't enough to make you see the light, well, I don't really know what could. It's a horrible disease, and it wrecks the lives around it, not just the afflicted. Don't let your life get wrecked by this. You deserve so much more. Soooo much more. Don't ever stop telling yourself that. Xoxo
"He persued me pretty hard and suddenly we were just together all the time. At the time, I felt this was a sign we were meant to be together because it felt 'natural' and easy..."
This was us. We didn't want to be away from each other, ever. It all felt so right, so natural, and like this was how it was always supposed to be. How easy it is to look past the red flags when your fairytale is playing out right there before you, right?
The part that bothers me the most is that I had this nagging feeling the entire time that this fairytale would turn into a nightmare eventually the more I heard bits and pieces of his past. Part of me knew that it all seemed a little crazy that we were going at this breakneck speed. But the chemistry we had between us was such a strong force and since we missed our chance when we were younger, it was even more of a fairytale, because we found each other again and so it just HAD to be meant to be, right?! Who was I to stop fate?
I started to see things with my own eyes, things that should have made me cut and run, but I told myself that we loved each other so much and love that strong could make anything turn out perfectly. I could kick myself! I'd sit and listen to him break down over the mistakes he'd made in the past and how he's such a changed person now, and that he would NEVER do ANYTHING to ruin what we had, and like an idiot, I made myself believe it. Because, you know, my magical wishing would make it all ok. He wouldn't want to get married and have a life with someone so vehemently against drugs and irresponsibility if he wasn't telling the truth, would he? Ugh. I still don't understand that part.
We get so caught up in the fantasy that we don't see the truth staring us in the face. Or we do, but we don't want to believe it. Stil on the fence about which it is - maybe a little of both?
I know this much as this point....
Relationships need time. We need to give people time to unfold to see who they really are. Full speed ahead doesn't give you that time to watch and see. You can't be objective when your being washed away in excitement, passion, chemistry, and emotions. Everyone has their best foot forward in the beginning, and it takes time to see the real person you're dealing with. If I ever decide to get into another relationship, of which I'm dead against right now, I will RUN the first moment someone starts falling all over me immediately and wants to spend every second with me off the bat, telling me that I'm everything they've ever wanted and how I'm so perfect for them and the only one that understands them. I'm taking all that as a gigantic, waving, reddest of red, red flags.
It's all a lot to deal with, I know. I'm so sorry that you're going through this, I truly am. It's hell. It feels like your world just crumbled around you and you're standing in the middle of the wreckage, stuck, not knowing what to do next or how to even begin making sense of it. We weren't married, but we were close - invitations, down payments, venues, dress, and all. I haven't told anyone yet, and don't quite have the strength to at this moment. I've only talked about it here, to my counselor, and to my sister. I haven't had anyone over, because it doesn't even look like he's left. He took nothing except his clothes and a few small things that he'd need for work. He left everything. I'm grateful that I still have all of our furniture, TV's, and such, but it's also unsettling that he didn't care to take a thing.
I know it's addiction and what addicts do, and I'm trying not to take it personally, but he left and that was it. A month later and besides a text saying he'll never forgive me and blaming me for everything, and that he's moving forward in his life, I don't know if he's dead, alive, ok, not ok, nothing. He gave it all up, everything we had, for drugs and his old lifestyle with his old addict friends. Like it was easy. And that hurts like hell. I'm left wondering if he ever really loved me at all. It's surreal. If there are people out there that can act like you're the only thing in their life that mattered for 2 years and then just go and never look back, I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust another soul in a relationship again.
Brokenwife, look out for yourself, please. When it comes down to the wire, it doesn't matter how good you were to him, how much you did for him, or how hard you tried to be the understanding, loving, caring wife. None of that will matter. It won't matter how much you did for his family or how much crap you swallowed to make things work and make him see a better way. They'll take what they want and somehow, in the end, it'll be your fault, which gets heaped on top of already feeling broken, hurt beyond hurt, and confused. I promise you that he is looking out for HIM. And you need to look out for YOU.
I'm probably not the best person to talk to about happy endings with addiction. I've only known 2 people out of so many that beat it and stayed the course, both women. My past is scattered with addicted family members and friends that I've tried to help through addiction, to include my own parents. If your own children aren't enough to make you see the light, well, I don't really know what could. It's a horrible disease, and it wrecks the lives around it, not just the afflicted. Don't let your life get wrecked by this. You deserve so much more. Soooo much more. Don't ever stop telling yourself that. Xoxo
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