HurricaneJ

I am in a “relationship"/ "I don’t even know how to label it" at this point with a recovering addict. I am now realizing recovery doesn’t fix everything. I never realized how angry I would be.

Every night I sit and write out mean texts messages to send him, about how he’s such a **** up, and has ruined my life, and never does anything for me. Fortunately, I haven’t sent most of them. I’ve sent a few though…they feel justified at the time, but then I realize about a day later that I’ve probably kicked someone who’s down.

For whatever reason, before he got sober, I wasn’t really angry. I never got angry. I held it all in for so long. When he was using, whatever I had to say he didn’t give a **** anyway, or if he did, his response was always so much meaner, crueler, and more damaging.

I hate him. I honestly hate him. He put me through so much…all the emotional abuse, and then jail, and then rehab. All the times he pulled me in close only to push me away like I wasn’t good enough. All the stupid other girls. I’m 27…and I look around at all my peers who are getting engaged and starting their lives, and what do I have? This. Some loser who doesn’t even have a drivers license anymore, or a job. It’s not enough. It’s just not.

I feel so empty. Like I realized tonight maybe this can’t ever be. Not because he doesn’t want it, but because there’s just too much pain there from the past. Maybe I won’t ever be able to work past it. Like maybe HE’S not enough for me. Maybe I don’t want to deal with all the recovery ups and downs. Maybe I want a guy who can take care of me.

It’s unfortunate that things being somewhat better have made me realize the true extent of the pain he caused me, as well as made me terrified that the bottom’s going to drop out again. My mind goes crazy. Maybe he’s off flirting with girls from AA. Maybe he’s going to abandon me like he always does. The worst are the nightmares and the fact that I literally wake up angry. It’s flash backs of things that have happened. Or the other night I woke up terrified that he had convinced his rehab docs to prescribe him Lorazepam (he’s addicted to benzos/ heroin…it’s always benzos that began the relapse cycle).

I hope things get better. Right now I’m just trying to get through this without engaging in negative behaviors myself (specifically, binge eating followed by hours at the gym). I pray that God gives me answers.

Thank you for listening.

SoberD

Not to sound flippant or anything but why don't you just leave him if you hate him and he's causing you so many problems?

dandylion

Hurricaine....I suggest that you get a copy of "Co-dependent No More" asap and read it....it will be a real eye opener....
And, get to an alanon meeting as soon as possible...
find a counselor for yourself.....

Because...these are the places that you will find the answers that you are asking....

Ann

Dandylion said it all. There ARE answers, but truthfully they lay within. Working with a counselor, and a meeting group will help you find the answer and I think they will surprise you. it won't be about him at all, it will be why you accept the unacceptable in your life and how you can change yourself to find a happier tomorrow.

And yes, Codependent No More is probably the best read there is for what ails us.

Good luck.

Hugs

brokenwife15

Hurricane - I hear you loud and clear, especially about the anger coming once your loved one enters recovery. I recently found out my husband had a 4+ year secret drug addiction, for the majority of the time we've been together. For years all of these things would keep happening to me, but I rationalized all of them away and pushed down my true feelings without even knowing it. Only once the secret was out and he immediately entered detox, rehab and now IOP was I able to truly face what had happened to me because of his addiction. And man did that infuriate me! My life got turned upside-down because of his drug use. I compromised what I wanted out of life to be with him. I lost myself in my efforts to save him, to make him a better person and someone I actually wanted to be with. But now I am facing the reality that he was never that person for me. And now I'm faced with trying to decide if he can be that person and if I even want him to be that person after all of the pain and emotional turmoil he's put me through. It's not easy. And one thing I tell myself that might be helpful for you too is that we don't need to decide anything right this second. In time and in self-rediscovery, I believe these feelings and thoughts will become clearer and they will guide us into the life we truly want for ourselves. Just my two cents. Please take care and know that you are not alone!

HurricaneJ

Yes! Thank you. It's helpful to know I'm not alone in this. I do go to Al-Anon, and I know that it's somewhat common, but wow is it hard. I guess I felt like him getting sober would magically take the pain away. Boy, that couldn't have been farther from the truth.

I also have been trying not to decide anything right this second. For a while there I was doing great at it. I kept telling myself, "If it's in God's plan that we'll be together, then it will be". However, the other day he brought up the topic of where he would live once he's out of sober living/ done with the court mandated rehab (this is about 4 months from now, give or take). He's hinted before that he wanted to come live with me, but this time he said it outright, and quite frankly it made me mad. It made me think of all the times he acted like I was the least important person to him on the planet, all the embarrassment, all the times I let him in only to be hurt again.

However, if for a while there I was taking things one day at a time, I know I am capable of doing that. I just need to take things one second, one hour, one day at a time. I don't need to decide everything right now.

HurricaneJ

I will check out Codependent No More. And yes, I've been realizing so much of this is about my own personal issues. Honestly, it took me a while to realize and accept drugs were even the issue. I convinced myself that he was completely sober and fine, but it must be things I was doing wrong that justified the emotional abuse. Maybe I should have handled X,Y, and Z differently.
Maybe I wasn't pretty enough. Maybe I just deserved to be treated like crap.

I look back on some of the things I put up and it honestly makes me sad. Why did I think so low of myself? This is obviously something I need to work through.

brokenwife15

Exactly! I say the same thing about taking things one second, one hour, one day at a time - because really 'one day' feels like an eternity right now. It truly is second to second, minute to minute, hour to hour.

I recently had to decide if my RAH would be coming back to live with me after rehab. I let him back, but fully know that I can change my mind at any time. The small comfort of "normalcy" I feel with his return is beneficial to me right now and I am going to reap those benefits for myself as much as I can. It's hard to erase those ingrained feelings of comfort and even if it's really faux-comfort, I am taking it in while I can. It does't mean I've forgiven or forgotten anything.

atalose

No, it’s not enough and it probably never will be with this guy. But only you can come to that conclusion and accept it and then move on so that the life you wish to have you can found.

Normally we do not tell anyone to leave someone but in my own opinion here, yes, I think it’s time you cut him lose, find yourself and begin the journey towards that happy life you seek.

This guy is going to be in sober living “until his court ordered time is up”….then what? Oh yeah, he has no job, no drivers license and wants to come live with you. Free rent and a taxi driver at his disposal.

Be what exactly? What vision of a happy life do you have that includes a partner with a drug history, jail, other woman, etc. etc.

Now your thinking clearly!

It took me a long time to learn the difference between working on a healthy relationship and wasting my time on a long goodbye. If I had a crystal ball I’d say you are working on a long goodbye.

teatreeoil007

Sometimes our anger and various emotions come moreso to the surface in what may seem like a delayed sort of fashion. Like, why do I feel more angry now? Why now? It's possibly a matter of holding a lot of your emotions in check for awhile; keeping a lid on them, so to speak and then they sort of "spill". Sort of like delayed grief. Someone in your life dies and not only do you grieve the loss of their physical life some the issues you had with that person come to the surface and can feel as though they are really bothering you and what the hell...that person is dead and gone....what's up with that? I can't explain it...but that happens sometimes.

Here he is on the road to recovery and that should be positive, but you have negative feelings coming to fore...anger.

Mklove

I agree with your idea that he is not enough for you. Sounds like extricating him from your life might be easier said than done but well worth it.

Maudcat

Hey, Hurricane. Welcome. Though it may not seem so, you are actually in a good place mentally. You recognize that you are angry, that you are not getting enough from the relationship, and that you deserve more and better.
Hold onto that as you move forward. Sounds as though he wants what all addicts, sober or not, want: a safe haven.
Do you have to be it? Nope.
Decide what you want. Don't want him back? Don't take him back.

Hawkeye13

He needs to make it on his own.
Moving in with you will actually impede this.

Give him the gift of standing on his own two feet as the adult he is,
and give yourself the gift of peace by keeping your home your sanctuary.

If he relapses, which often happens, and he's living with you,
the hell starts all over again.

HurricaneJ

Thank you all for your responses. We’ve kind of backed away from the discussion of moving in for the time being. It’s too much. I’m just trying to take it day by day.

I’ve been trying to focus on myself, and I have started reading Codependent No More, which I have definitely gained some insight from. I have been less angry over all. It’s difficult, because I can see in a lot of ways him trying to be better. He reaches out and asks how i’m doing, and I think genuinely means it. He’s more considerate. He tells the truth. He’s cut back on the grandiosity and has been a lot more real with things. However, I feel like with each positive trait that comes out, I’m filled with fear. I think back to right before he relapsed (Summer 2014) and fear getting comfortable . Everything he does “right” brings up more & more bad memories for me.

In a lot of ways, I think we need to talk. The anger is something I need to deal with myself, but the sadness & the fear is something I need to express if only to give him a better understanding of where I’m at because I can tell he’s confused. If only to say “look, i’m not upset with you for right now. I’m upset with things from the past, and it’s going to take some time”.

On the other hand, I found myself today almost mourning the loss of who he was before. Then I realized, it’s not that I don’t like “Sober Him”, it’s that I don’t trust him. I’m in uncharted waters right now. I don’t know what to expect.

zoso77

I am extremely late getting to this post, so I'd like to take this opportunity to respond.

When you're 27, you're young enough to recognize that you've got many, many years ahead of you, yet old enough to recognize what you don't want in life. Where you've already dealt with your issues with addiction, you have to ask yourself if staying with him is conducive for your sanity and your health. If I were to guess, the answer to that question is "no", but knowing that answer and making decisions based on that answer are two totally different things.

It's worth mentioning that you don't need permission to do what's best for you, being mindful that what's best for you isn't necessarily what you want. And it's also worth mentioning that closing the door on a relationship with an addict means you're opening the door on other possibilities. So perhaps you should think about what is best for you, and be honest with yourself about that.

Keep us posted.