Having trouble remembering husband pre-addiction
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 16
Having trouble remembering husband pre-addiction
Hi all. I'm new here. I've been benefiting from soaking up everyone's posts for a few weeks now and would like to share a bit of my story and see if anyone can relate.
I recently found out about my husband's drug addiction (smoking heroin among other vices). I had glimpses into his drug use over the past few months but did not realize he was a full-blown addict until about 5 weeks ago. He has since been to detox and a 30 day inpatient rehab and is 40 days clean as of today. I've come to learn that he was heavy into his addiction for at least the past 4 years, but likely even longer. We've been together for 7 years, married for 5 months. And I am only now truly realizing how my life was turned upside down by his addiction.
I have spent the past 5 weeks reading and researching as much as I can get my hands on - everything about addiction, co-addiction, co-dependence, etc. I've been to nar-anon and al-anon, have started seeing my own therapist, and begin marriage counseling next week. I understand how my life grew to revolve around my husband's addiction (without knowing it was an addiction); I truly was addicted to my addict. It's a very crushing realization to know that I lost who I was along the way, that I compromised my values and what I want from life, and that I was living in complete and total dysfunction. It's even heavier recognizing that my life isn't what I thought it was and it isn't what I thought it was going to be. But I am thankful for the wake-up call.
Since my husband has been home (it's only been 8 days), he has been over the top helpful around the house, attentive, and patient. It feels like I woke up in bizarro land, and it emphasizes what our relationship was missing for so many years beforehand. It makes me sick to my stomach to think this is really just the base level of expectations for any relationship, and here I am experiencing it for the first time in years and I feel like I'm being treated like a princess. It makes me think back to what our relationship was like in the beginning, allegedly before drugs entered our lives. I'm having trouble even remembering what it was like. Surely it hasn't always been dysfunctional... or has it? If I can't even remember what it was like, what am I working towards regaining in our relationship? Or I guess maybe I am just starting at ground zero, trying to build a new relationship. And that thought makes me sick too. What was the point of our past 7 years? Expect to cause me endless pain and frustration, all of which I rationalized away in the moments and haven't come to face in full until just recently, in a state of absolute heartbreak.
I'd love to know if anyone here has experienced similar feelings and perhaps any tips on how best to process them. I appreciate your taking the time to listen. Thank you!
I recently found out about my husband's drug addiction (smoking heroin among other vices). I had glimpses into his drug use over the past few months but did not realize he was a full-blown addict until about 5 weeks ago. He has since been to detox and a 30 day inpatient rehab and is 40 days clean as of today. I've come to learn that he was heavy into his addiction for at least the past 4 years, but likely even longer. We've been together for 7 years, married for 5 months. And I am only now truly realizing how my life was turned upside down by his addiction.
I have spent the past 5 weeks reading and researching as much as I can get my hands on - everything about addiction, co-addiction, co-dependence, etc. I've been to nar-anon and al-anon, have started seeing my own therapist, and begin marriage counseling next week. I understand how my life grew to revolve around my husband's addiction (without knowing it was an addiction); I truly was addicted to my addict. It's a very crushing realization to know that I lost who I was along the way, that I compromised my values and what I want from life, and that I was living in complete and total dysfunction. It's even heavier recognizing that my life isn't what I thought it was and it isn't what I thought it was going to be. But I am thankful for the wake-up call.
Since my husband has been home (it's only been 8 days), he has been over the top helpful around the house, attentive, and patient. It feels like I woke up in bizarro land, and it emphasizes what our relationship was missing for so many years beforehand. It makes me sick to my stomach to think this is really just the base level of expectations for any relationship, and here I am experiencing it for the first time in years and I feel like I'm being treated like a princess. It makes me think back to what our relationship was like in the beginning, allegedly before drugs entered our lives. I'm having trouble even remembering what it was like. Surely it hasn't always been dysfunctional... or has it? If I can't even remember what it was like, what am I working towards regaining in our relationship? Or I guess maybe I am just starting at ground zero, trying to build a new relationship. And that thought makes me sick too. What was the point of our past 7 years? Expect to cause me endless pain and frustration, all of which I rationalized away in the moments and haven't come to face in full until just recently, in a state of absolute heartbreak.
I'd love to know if anyone here has experienced similar feelings and perhaps any tips on how best to process them. I appreciate your taking the time to listen. Thank you!
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 40
Brokenwife,
Our stories are very similar. Being blind sided with a loved ones heroin addiction is horrible, it really changes you as a person.. Especially when you've known that person for a long time (I knew my husband for 15+ years before marriage) My husband could not shake his addiction despite rehabs, detoxes and my best efforts to help him. Since then I have left him and I will not be going back as his addiction and lies became too much for me. However, he is now apparently 1 month sober! (yay for him!)
I really hope your husband works hard at his recovery, works the steps and puts his efforts into a better life. Also make sure you continue to take care of yourself, don't fall back into being addicted to the addict!
Lastly, just remember to be alert and wary of relapses. Addiction is very hard to beat, especially this demon called heroin. And addicts are very good at manipulating and deceiving the ones who love them most. Always trust your gut! And keep posting/browsing and asking questions. Many many great people on here that will give you life changing advice.
Pillow
Our stories are very similar. Being blind sided with a loved ones heroin addiction is horrible, it really changes you as a person.. Especially when you've known that person for a long time (I knew my husband for 15+ years before marriage) My husband could not shake his addiction despite rehabs, detoxes and my best efforts to help him. Since then I have left him and I will not be going back as his addiction and lies became too much for me. However, he is now apparently 1 month sober! (yay for him!)
I really hope your husband works hard at his recovery, works the steps and puts his efforts into a better life. Also make sure you continue to take care of yourself, don't fall back into being addicted to the addict!
Lastly, just remember to be alert and wary of relapses. Addiction is very hard to beat, especially this demon called heroin. And addicts are very good at manipulating and deceiving the ones who love them most. Always trust your gut! And keep posting/browsing and asking questions. Many many great people on here that will give you life changing advice.
Pillow
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 16
Thank you
Pillow - thank you so much for your response. As much as I wish no one in the world could relate to what I'm going through because of how awful it is, it does help to know I'm not so alone in it either. I am totally eyes wide open now (or at least much more so than my zero knowledge base before) to the signs of drug use. I refuse to let active addiction enter my life again. Not to mention I'm still sorting out if I can even deal with the path of destruction already caused by his years of secret using. Not quite the way I pictured my life as a newlywed being.
Last edited by brokenwife15; 02-08-2017 at 07:39 PM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston Ma
Posts: 980
We will celebrate 30 years of marriage this year. I am just thinking about how many stages of repair, disrepair, harmony etc we've been through. Not proud of my role in some years of deceit. I hope your story has more chapters and I admire all your hard work. Time and action will tell.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 16
I can relate to this. My husband got addicted to pain pills about 2 years ago (I believe - he isn't even completely sure/honest about when it all began) then got clean with suboxone, although never went to meetings. I believe he's using something again. Pills cocaine who knows. I won't get into my whole story but I so understand your questioning the entire relationship. I'm starting to do that as well. We've been married 8 years now and have 2 children (he decided he is divorcing me about a month ago - I believe bc he is so angry at me for suggesting he is using again) and I'm beginning to look back with so many questions. I always wanted to do things to make him happy and received very little acknowledgment ever. When I discovered the suboxone and he told me the whole truth, I tried soooo hard to do things that would bring him joy. I'm realizing now that was me being obsessed with the addict. Nothing ever made him happy. He only pointed out the mistakes I would make and harp on them. It's very sad and emotionally draining. Right now he's practically never here to see his kids and off god knows where. I've caught him in soooo many lies and yet when I do see him he is angry with me! Even though he's the one who walked out on us on NYE and had been back minimally since then. I keep telling myself this is not the man I married, this is a stranger.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 16
Bst -
Thank you for the response and I'm so sorry to hear you're going through a similar situation. It really is so very sad and emotionally draining... especially when the addict makes you feel like HE is the victim, not you. I like to think I'm becoming more and more in touch with my feelings and my true self every day that passes. Whether or not my husband can stay clean and be happy with himself is for him to decide. I'm trying as best I can to let go of my urge to control him and his situation because it's time to focus on ME and my healing. I wish you much strength in your own recovery as well!
Thank you for the response and I'm so sorry to hear you're going through a similar situation. It really is so very sad and emotionally draining... especially when the addict makes you feel like HE is the victim, not you. I like to think I'm becoming more and more in touch with my feelings and my true self every day that passes. Whether or not my husband can stay clean and be happy with himself is for him to decide. I'm trying as best I can to let go of my urge to control him and his situation because it's time to focus on ME and my healing. I wish you much strength in your own recovery as well!
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