SoftwareGuy

This is my first post on this site, so I figured I would use it to explain my week and the choices I (and my wife) have had to make.

My son, who is in his early 20s, is a heroin addict and has been for at least 4 years. He was arrested 2 years ago, was forced into rehab then halfway house and finally to a house of recovering addicts. During the process he worked a job and seemed to be on the mend.

Over Christmas, he came out the 50 miles to visit (and get his Christmas gift, of course), and we all (my wife, stepdaughters and a son-in-law) noticed that he and a girl he brought (who was wearing an I love pot bracelet) appeared out of sorts. In particular my son-in-law and I noticed they appeared stoned or worse. What could I do? He got his gift and left.

Soon after New Years I got sudden calls from said random girl. He was in jail (various lies about why) and needed bailing out. His mother had long ago refused to answer those calls, as he lived with her during all his bad years. She is worn out and who can blame her? After deliberation with my wife, I bailed him out. Biggest mistake of my life, as you will see.

In the ensuing weeks, he has sunk into heavy heroin use and homelessness and crime. My wife texted him earlier this week at my request, and a sob story ensued that had us believing he needed help and was really ready to change.

I went and got him and brought him to our region. He looked like a homeless person, not like a strong 20 something he should be. I took him to our small vacation home and sat with him for 3 days watching him 24/7 and talking to him when he wanted to while he tried to detox. I bought him new clothes and cleaned him up, though I was unprepared for seeing needle wounds all over his arms. My wife back home lined up rehab facilities and he made it to day 4. He and I both were on no sleep--I had to work and hold meeting while watching him writhe around.

Abruptly yesterday morning he wanted to go back to our main house. My wife worked with him all day long to plan out the trip to rehab. Keep in mind that he begged us for help, for guidance, and for oversight. He then demanded to be returned home, to think things over. We knew what he was after, so we begged, pleaded, rationalized, but all for naught. He insisted and got very panicky. We could not keep him against his will.

We drove him back last night. He asked for money, which I tersely declined. He asked for gas for his car, which I also declined. He stormed out of the car and that was that. I can guess what he is doing right now.

In hindsight, I should have left him in jail. He would have been (relatively) safe but off the street and sober and fed. I feel a startling lack of emotion right now, though. My wife and I are back at the vacation home where I kept him this week. It made me a little sad but then it quickly faded. I wonder if my brain is subconsciously shutting off my normal compassionate demeanor?

I know many of you as parents have done this exact thing and had to let go, knowing full well it might be the last time you ever see him. My wife and I feel we did everything we could. I should have left him in jail. That thought haunts us both.

suki44883

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Yes, you are learning the hard lesson of a loved one with an addiction. You did what you thought was best at the time, but, now that you know better, you will do better.

Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. Glad you are with us.

Ann

Welcome to SR, I am the mother of an adult addicted son who has been in and out of the revolving door of addiction/recovery/addiction for almost 20 years. He has been missing for more than 10 years, lost in his addiction somewhere unknown.

For years and years I tried to save him. He went to at least 10 rehabs and each brought him some sobriety, once as long as 3 years (I really thought he had it beat that time). But each time he would fall back into addiction, sometimes when his life was wonderful and he had everything going for him and sometimes during troubling times...it didn't matter, when he decided to use he decided to use and nothing would stop him.

We let him come home many times, usually when he was clean first. We thought a loving and safe home, a job working for my husband to earn money to save for his own place, and me driving him to meetings and overseeing his recovery...we thought all that would be enough. Each time it was not. I often say here that if love could save our addicted loved ones, not one of us would be here.

I reached a point where I was exhausted and physically worn out, emotionally drained, and I finally had to let go and turn his care over to God.

Each morning I say a prayer, asking God to do for my son what I cannot. Then I live my life in faith that He will. Today I find beauty in every day, joy in each sunrise and I am at peace with life after so many years of rough seas.

Take a good read around here, especially the "sticky" threads at the top, and you will find a lot of information that may help you understand what you and he are facing.

Many of us found our balance again in Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA, and a healthy way of living regardless and in spite of how our addicted loved ones are doing.

I am so sorry you are facing this and will keep your son and your family in my prayers.

Hugs

Bekindalways

Welcome Softwareguy. I'm so glad you found us and so very sorry for the reason you are here.

My qualifier's (he was a Meth addict) sister bailed him out and said exactly what you said, "Shouldn't have done it." Neither she nor you knew the right thing to do at the time; there is no way you could have. The correct thing to do for addicts is completely conter-intuitive.

Yes he would have been safe and sober a bit longer in jail however it might just have put off the inevitable.

Please take care of yourself. You may feel okay now but the grief may come (or not). The mantra of us codies is takecareofyou, takecareofyou, takecareofyou.

May many angels hover over you and your family.

heartcore

My daughter is an addict (also in her twenties) & I have done those same three days of "home detox." What a painful & heartbreaking experience. I did it twice. The first time she stayed with me for 6 months after, clean & sober, in my little cabin, then moved out on her own & relapsed. The second time she only made it a few days. I've dealt with jail, with making boundaries, with feeling shattered, with middle of the night calls threatening suicide, with turning off my phone between certain hours as a boundary because I needed sleep & not being able to sleep because I was so afraid she would OD and I wouldn't know until morning.

It has been a long, terrifying, and devastating road.

I can tell you that my heart goes out to the hope & fear that danced within you as you experienced that. It is horrible to see the child you cherished be so changed and destroyed as a young adult.

Now, the good stuff. After the last experience (a year and a half ago), in which she turned ugly & violent to me as I tried to help/detox her, I moved away (I was already moving) & limited our contact to texts. I kept affirming that I loved her, but that I could not deal with her in person after the last time because it had frightened me. I held that line. I have still not seen her since.

She got way worse & then got clean on her own. I don't know if it will hold, but right now she is two months clean & sober & has accomplished this without my assistance. We text & talk almost daily.

I have come to the realization that those horrible, heartbreaking days in my little cabin were just part of our shared story. Neither of us will ever forget them. She has told me since that it meant everything in the world to her that I tried that hard, that she felt my desperate attempt to save her, & that she understands exactly why I cut off contact.

If I hadn't done it, I might always wonder if I should have done it. If she ODs tomorrow, I will remember those strange shared days & will know that she knows I really, really tried & that I really, really loved her.

I also do not regret cutting her off. It is her task & I did all I could. In the end, I was fearful for my own physical & emotional safety.

So. You did it. It is a memory (a hard one) that both you & your son will share until the end. You can let go now. He might make it back & he might not. But you need not regret the human instinct to save your child. It came from the right place, & no matter how much he resisted it, it is registered deep inside him that you loved him enough to try.

PhoenixJ

Prayers for you, your son and your family.

SoftwareGuy

I thank you all for these very supportive thoughts. It is so eerie that the stories are all so similar--that the incidents are unique but the pattern is identical. Your description, Heartcore, of your cabin experience exactly captures what I experienced down to the way it was a sad shared experience of togetherness. I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers, and I will say the same for all of you.

atalose

I know for me it wasn't that I was losing compassion but more that I was arriving at acceptance. Accepting that my way of trying to fix was not working and that I had to accept that harsh reality that I could not love him better, fix him better, control him better and that I could no longer believe his words!

SoftwareGuy

I hope that I get to the point of acceptance. I think right now it is a stubborn refusal to let sadness overtake me. I do not want to accept what I witnessed and where his life is headed. I guess that perhaps that might be a bit of denial. I will just let it all sink in.

zoso77

SoftwareGuy...

Welcome to the Board from a fellow hard science guy. I wish I'd gotten to your post sooner, but I'm thankful that our members stepped up to greet you.

One of the things you're going to learn here is your actions are pretty consistent with what your fellow parents of addicts have done. After all, a father's love is a father's love, and that love will lead men to make extraordinary gestures for their children. So, yes, you made a mistake in bailing your AS out of the clink. But it's the same kind of mistake that many of our members have made.

It is also an act of love to allow your son to experience the consequences of his actions. Otherwise, you're not doing him any favors. Every decision...every action...everything we do has intended and unintended consequences, and where we are in life is, in my view, the aggregate sum of those decisions. Your job going forward is to allow whatever is supposed to happen to happen. That's not going to be easy. But you really have no choice.

Are you a C/C++ guy?

int main (int argc, char **argv)

cout << "We've got your back at SR. Count on it." << endl;
return (0);

(The regular C/C++ brackets don't display correctly)

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

Lovemyson101

My son, like yours, is in his twenties and addicted to heroin. I understand just how painful it is. We do what we can. The problem is that as you saw, our parental instincts to protect our kids backfires when it comes to addiction. It hurts to realize that in the end, there's very little we can do, other than keep ourselves from enabling them.
Only recently did I start to fully internalize the fact that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. It's on him.

I still struggle with the guilt, but this realization changed the way I see my son. He's an adult now, and in charge of his own life. So is your son. They need to walk their own path. We can only pray they make the right choices.
I will add your son to my prayers.

darkling

I think that's the beginning of acceptance: when we actually start caring about how we feel.

For me, acceptance is not a happy, warm-snuggly feeling.
It doesn't necessarily stop me from worrying - or wanting to "fix it." It's me realizing that I CAN'T. I can continue to hate the situation as much as I want . . . and it never means that I've stopped caring.

It's the sad knowledge that the very best thing I can do for my son, right now, is to just step back and let him crash and burn.

Playing the "What If" game will make you crazy.
[I know because I'm in the middle of it . . .]


ps. Then there's that annoying voice that tells me "I should be able to help him because I have a milestone clean/sober anniversary next week [AA/NA] and therefore . . . . . ."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

SoftwareGuy

Thanks all for all the supportive thoughts. Still have not heard from my son, nor have I reached out. Not sure if I will, either. Doing lots of business travel so it helps to take my mind off things. By the way, I do less coding and technical work and more management these days! Back in the day was a .NET centric person.

Mountainmanbob

Well, may God bless you and your family SoftwareGuy.

I understand for my cousin returned to his drugs lately and my wife and I actually prayed that he would get arrested again and get some jail or prison time.

Don't be down on yourself for getting him out of jail. We want to help them and only want the best for them -- yet, they are blinded and can not see the light.

Seems that sometimes all we can do is pray.

M-Bob

needingabreak

Welcome Softwareguy. This is a phenominal group of caring and supportive people.
Many of us, unfortunately, have walked in your shoes and some are still there. It is probably one of the most devastating things a parent can go through (besides a death). As others have said, you did what most of us do and only wanted to help your son. You believed he wanted help and to change so you did nothing wrong. We learn as we go and just do the best we can. Our son was an addict and after trying to save him and change him as most codies do, we finally let go. That was when he hit rock bottom and asked on his own for help. It took us much longer than you to realize this is what he needed. I feel for you and understand all you are going through. We were numb, cried often and walked like zombies some days. Your son is heavy in his addiction now and he cannot see past this but know he will remember all that transpired at the cabin. I will pray for God's hand to touch him and bring him to a place where he wants to change and get help. I found that was all I had but it really helped me. As Ann stated, some find great support at Al Anon and other groups. You may want to check that out sometime.
I hope you stick around and read the stickies and find a lot of answers and support. Keeping busy is definitely a huge help.

hopeful4

I am going to recommend you read the threads started by atalose

This is someone whom I have watched have a changed mindset from fighting and fighting to gradual acceptance, as she said above.

Sending a big hug and lots of support to you.

hummingbird358

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I have a son who had a major problem with alcohol and marijuana. His DUI was a blessing in disguise. The night he spent in jail is something he will never forget and I pray that he has learned his lesson now. He is currently on probation. I, too, did everything I could to save him. I tried getting him to see therapists which he did but lied his way through them. To be honest, I am afraid of the future for him. He will be off of probation in a few months..... He is already talking about smoking weed right away. The alcohol scares me more though. I have prayed for my son for many years as all of us on here do. We have to trust God because only He knows.