Need advice with Addict Boyfriend..
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Need advice with Addict Boyfriend..
Hello, I'm truly not sure I'm in the right place, but hoping someone might be able to shed some light on what I've been going through.
My boyfriend told me when we first met he's an ex-addict. For 15 years he used drugs (mainly cocaine) as well as abusing alcohol. He said the last time he used was 7 years ago and was still continuing his AA meetings. Well, things were going ok until little lies here and there started showing up. About 5 months into our relationship I ended up moving in with him because of health issues I was having at my own apartment and had to get out asap. I started noticing small things like neighbors mail he had hiding around his apartment. He claimed he received and opened them by mistake. He started being very protective over his phone. I'd catch him "going outside to smoke" and once I found him outside with some shady character who ran off the minute I saw him. Yet, couldn't find anything on boyfriend when I searched his belongings.
Since he's so good at smoothing things over, somehow he convinced me to get our own place together. That's when things went downhill pretty quickly. I found out he's been taking hydrocodone for back pain at least 4 times a day for years and also trades and gets more pills when needed from others. Then I find an empty bottle underneath our mattress with coke residue on it, though he claimed it was old and from a previous break-up when he relapsed. He found it in the move and didn't know what to do with it so he hid it under the mattress. Makes sense right? Well, then I decided to do more snooping. I find more mail from our new neighbors! Not just mail but financial papers, bank statements. At the top is his hand writing of their account numbers. I found random people's credit cards in his drawers on top of 10-20 of his own hidden in these drawers! Come to find out all of these cards were activated and cash was immediately taken out, maxed out and never made a payment. I've seen him constantly finding excuses to go to his car and hiding things in his pockets. He's up to all hours of the night. But he's a chef who's also Adhd, so it's been hard to tell what's what.
He's gotten fired from his job, and just found out recently it was because he stole money from the registers. He lied to me for a month until I found out.
His dad decided to drop in for a surprise visit and eventually told me why he came. He was convinced his son was using again. He had called him the other night begging for $1,000 cash when his father had just helped him out with a large sum of money a couple weeks prior. I've since moved out as his father told me to save myself and that his son will never get better. He told me of his addictions amongst other terrible things he's been dealing with for 20 years. Between his dad and I we've given him two surprise drug tests and it's only been positive for opiates (his pain pills for his back). I guess my question is, what is he doing with his money, (as he's a well known and well paid chef in the city) and also why does he seem to need money so bad he's willing to steal from strangers? In addition to his strange behavior, I can't figure out what's going on, so I've left and so has his father. He says he's cutting him off and I am as well. He won't admit he has a problem and worst yet, even before I could get my stuff moved out, he's already taken several condoms from our personal stash, so he appears to be ready to sleep around despite how much he says he loves me. I'm so confused and have no idea if this is a well hidden drug addiction or what. I've never ever dealt with an addict so this is beyond my understanding.
Sorry for the lengthy post, just wanted to make sure I've gave the full details of the story. Any help or advice would be extremely helpful as I'm in the throes of trying to come to some sort of closure and understanding.
Thank you in advance!
My boyfriend told me when we first met he's an ex-addict. For 15 years he used drugs (mainly cocaine) as well as abusing alcohol. He said the last time he used was 7 years ago and was still continuing his AA meetings. Well, things were going ok until little lies here and there started showing up. About 5 months into our relationship I ended up moving in with him because of health issues I was having at my own apartment and had to get out asap. I started noticing small things like neighbors mail he had hiding around his apartment. He claimed he received and opened them by mistake. He started being very protective over his phone. I'd catch him "going outside to smoke" and once I found him outside with some shady character who ran off the minute I saw him. Yet, couldn't find anything on boyfriend when I searched his belongings.
Since he's so good at smoothing things over, somehow he convinced me to get our own place together. That's when things went downhill pretty quickly. I found out he's been taking hydrocodone for back pain at least 4 times a day for years and also trades and gets more pills when needed from others. Then I find an empty bottle underneath our mattress with coke residue on it, though he claimed it was old and from a previous break-up when he relapsed. He found it in the move and didn't know what to do with it so he hid it under the mattress. Makes sense right? Well, then I decided to do more snooping. I find more mail from our new neighbors! Not just mail but financial papers, bank statements. At the top is his hand writing of their account numbers. I found random people's credit cards in his drawers on top of 10-20 of his own hidden in these drawers! Come to find out all of these cards were activated and cash was immediately taken out, maxed out and never made a payment. I've seen him constantly finding excuses to go to his car and hiding things in his pockets. He's up to all hours of the night. But he's a chef who's also Adhd, so it's been hard to tell what's what.
He's gotten fired from his job, and just found out recently it was because he stole money from the registers. He lied to me for a month until I found out.
His dad decided to drop in for a surprise visit and eventually told me why he came. He was convinced his son was using again. He had called him the other night begging for $1,000 cash when his father had just helped him out with a large sum of money a couple weeks prior. I've since moved out as his father told me to save myself and that his son will never get better. He told me of his addictions amongst other terrible things he's been dealing with for 20 years. Between his dad and I we've given him two surprise drug tests and it's only been positive for opiates (his pain pills for his back). I guess my question is, what is he doing with his money, (as he's a well known and well paid chef in the city) and also why does he seem to need money so bad he's willing to steal from strangers? In addition to his strange behavior, I can't figure out what's going on, so I've left and so has his father. He says he's cutting him off and I am as well. He won't admit he has a problem and worst yet, even before I could get my stuff moved out, he's already taken several condoms from our personal stash, so he appears to be ready to sleep around despite how much he says he loves me. I'm so confused and have no idea if this is a well hidden drug addiction or what. I've never ever dealt with an addict so this is beyond my understanding.
Sorry for the lengthy post, just wanted to make sure I've gave the full details of the story. Any help or advice would be extremely helpful as I'm in the throes of trying to come to some sort of closure and understanding.
Thank you in advance!
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Brooklynd,
Welcome - you are in the right spot - we're glad you are here and sorry that you need to be.
It sounds to me as though your boyfriend is using heavily - the fact that his surprise drug tests "just show opiates" does not mean a thing - Percocet, Vicodin, Oxy and Opana are all readily available on the street -- they would all test positive "just for opiates." Opiate pills such as these, purchased on the street, are incredibly expensive - $ 1. per milligram here in Delaware - don't know what the going rate is where you are. So a 30 mg Oxy sells for $ 30., Percocet 5 sells for $ 5. etc. Typically the addict is not swallowing these pills - they will crush and snort them to defeat the timed release mechanisms of the pill. Some also smoke, some actually dissolve and inject.
The high street price of prescription opiate pills is what ultimately drives most opiate pill addicts to heroin -- it's simple economics - heroin is cheaper.
"....so I've left and so has his father. He says he's cutting him off and I am as well. " EXCELLENT MOVE! Maybe you do not need to be here afterall, get away while you can, the relationship will not be good for you. Regardless of what you think - you cannot "fix" him -- he has to do that on his own.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Welcome - you are in the right spot - we're glad you are here and sorry that you need to be.
It sounds to me as though your boyfriend is using heavily - the fact that his surprise drug tests "just show opiates" does not mean a thing - Percocet, Vicodin, Oxy and Opana are all readily available on the street -- they would all test positive "just for opiates." Opiate pills such as these, purchased on the street, are incredibly expensive - $ 1. per milligram here in Delaware - don't know what the going rate is where you are. So a 30 mg Oxy sells for $ 30., Percocet 5 sells for $ 5. etc. Typically the addict is not swallowing these pills - they will crush and snort them to defeat the timed release mechanisms of the pill. Some also smoke, some actually dissolve and inject.
The high street price of prescription opiate pills is what ultimately drives most opiate pill addicts to heroin -- it's simple economics - heroin is cheaper.
"....so I've left and so has his father. He says he's cutting him off and I am as well. " EXCELLENT MOVE! Maybe you do not need to be here afterall, get away while you can, the relationship will not be good for you. Regardless of what you think - you cannot "fix" him -- he has to do that on his own.
Keep coming back,
Jim
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello Brooklyn, you did the EXACT right thing leaving. Your boyfriend is committing federal identity theft and if caught you could be implicated as an accomplice if you live with him. RUN!
He is acting just like an addict and most likely has been doing this for many years.
He is acting just like an addict and most likely has been doing this for many years.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Thank you for your responses! It helps so much hearing that these things he does, his behavior sounds familiar. I really wondered if I was going crazy.. Or if I was overreacting. Either way I was leaving because of the mail fraud, but I couldn't quite figure out if the fraud and everything else could be blamed on the effects of cocaine or opiates. Or maybe if it was his adhd or some sort of mental illness. I know I'm doing the right thing, but it's definitely tearing me apart at the the moment. Not only do I miss the good side of him, but I'm worried about his relapsing into large doses or worse. Hearing his father say he "gives it a couple of months before he gets the dreaded phone call" tears my heart apart. But I know I can't fix him. I've pleaded and tried to tell him he's not the exception and this will ultimately result in jail or death. Nothing is getting through to him. It's so surreal.. but I know time will heal.
Also, on a side note I wanted to add that since I've known him, he's had terrible sinus issues that has lead to almost an obsession with over the counter nasal sprays, like Afrin. I've noticed bloody q-tips and blood in his tissues. Definitely seems like something's up.
Also, on a side note I wanted to add that since I've known him, he's had terrible sinus issues that has lead to almost an obsession with over the counter nasal sprays, like Afrin. I've noticed bloody q-tips and blood in his tissues. Definitely seems like something's up.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
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You need to check your own credit history to make sure that he hasn't stolen your identity as well. One member here had her identity stolen by her now ex-husband and she still has debt collectors going after her.
I also had my identity stolen. I placed a fraud alert and used a credit monitoring service after eight credit cards were issued in my name.
In regards to everything else, you are doing exactly what you need to be doing at the moment.
I also had my identity stolen. I placed a fraud alert and used a credit monitoring service after eight credit cards were issued in my name.
In regards to everything else, you are doing exactly what you need to be doing at the moment.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart 
You need to check your own credit history to make sure that he hasn't stolen your identity as well. One member here had her identity stolen by her now ex-husband and she still has debt collectors going after her.
I also had my identity stolen. I placed a fraud alert and used a credit monitoring service after eight credit cards were issued in my name.
In regards to everything else, you are doing exactly what you need to be doing at the moment.
I also had my identity stolen. I placed a fraud alert and used a credit monitoring service after eight credit cards were issued in my name.
In regards to everything else, you are doing exactly what you need to be doing at the moment.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Originally Posted by Brooklynd77
Also, on a side note I wanted to add that since I've known him, he's had terrible sinus issues that has lead to almost an obsession with over the counter nasal sprays, like Afrin. I've noticed bloody q-tips and blood in his tissues. Definitely seems like something's up.
My advice? Run. Fast and far.
You are not the crazy one.
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Thank you and you're absolutely right. I guess what I really can't understand is why he would try so hard to keep me around, saying he loves me, etc.. when truly, wouldn't he be better off being alone so he would be able to do this without the risk of being caught? My heart and head are so confused as to why he would try to do this to me. Even when I've given him an out, he says no, I want to be in this with you. "You're my best friend and I love you.." Yet he does all of these terrible things.
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Originally Posted by Brooklynd77
. . . I guess what I really can't understand is why he would try so hard to keep me around, saying he loves me, etc.. when truly, wouldn't he be better off being alone so he would be able to do this without the risk of being caught?
There is a very good chance that his illegal activities will spill over onto you.
Please believe me, federal law is not something you want to be anywhere near when it's broken. Unfortunately, there is such a thing as "guilt by association." This is why I said run, far and fast. Now.
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having a "straight" girlfriend can give the addict a sense of "see? i'm not THAT bad, she loves me" - provides a handy cover AND additional income. trust me, if he has not already accessed your accounts, or your credit, that would only have been a matter of time.
just because someone says I Love You, doesn't mean that it is really the type of love you really want or need in your life. ALWAYS look to the ACTIONS, instead of listen to the words.
stay far far away from this guy. do you still have mail going to that address? does he know where you now live?
just because someone says I Love You, doesn't mean that it is really the type of love you really want or need in your life. ALWAYS look to the ACTIONS, instead of listen to the words.
stay far far away from this guy. do you still have mail going to that address? does he know where you now live?
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
having a "straight" girlfriend can give the addict a sense of "see? i'm not THAT bad, she loves me" - provides a handy cover AND additional income. trust me, if he has not already accessed your accounts, or your credit, that would only have been a matter of time.
just because someone says I Love You, doesn't mean that it is really the type of love you really want or need in your life. ALWAYS look to the ACTIONS, instead of listen to the words.
stay far far away from this guy. do you still have mail going to that address? does he know where you now live?
just because someone says I Love You, doesn't mean that it is really the type of love you really want or need in your life. ALWAYS look to the ACTIONS, instead of listen to the words.
stay far far away from this guy. do you still have mail going to that address? does he know where you now live?
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Originally Posted by darkling
That's part of the disease of addiction. It very well could be that he's not lying to you, that he does feel all of those things. But the irrational part, the addict part of him over-powers everything else. Addiction IS a form of insanity.
There is a very good chance that his illegal activities will spill over onto you.
Please believe me, federal law is not something you want to be anywhere near when it's broken. Unfortunately, there is such a thing as "guilt by association." This is why I said run, far and fast. Now.
There is a very good chance that his illegal activities will spill over onto you.
Please believe me, federal law is not something you want to be anywhere near when it's broken. Unfortunately, there is such a thing as "guilt by association." This is why I said run, far and fast. Now.
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Originally Posted by atalose
What kind of questions do you need answers to in order to move on?
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brooklyn, think HARD about the person you want to get these answers from! he's the one that CREATED the questions!
we call it going to the hardware store for bread.
or asking the person who HURT you to HEAL you.
closure is over-rated. seriously.....he's a totally messed up individual who is openly and repeatedly committing identity theft - stealing $$ from other innocent VICTIMS. and you are worried if he "loves" you??
we call it going to the hardware store for bread.
or asking the person who HURT you to HEAL you.
closure is over-rated. seriously.....he's a totally messed up individual who is openly and repeatedly committing identity theft - stealing $$ from other innocent VICTIMS. and you are worried if he "loves" you??
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
brooklyn, think HARD about the person you want to get these answers from! he's the one that CREATED the questions!
we call it going to the hardware store for bread.
or asking the person who HURT you to HEAL you.
closure is over-rated. seriously.....he's a totally messed up individual who is openly and repeatedly committing identity theft - stealing $$ from other innocent VICTIMS. and you are worried if he "loves" you??
we call it going to the hardware store for bread.
or asking the person who HURT you to HEAL you.
closure is over-rated. seriously.....he's a totally messed up individual who is openly and repeatedly committing identity theft - stealing $$ from other innocent VICTIMS. and you are worried if he "loves" you??
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
And there is no question he is using drugs, always has and probably always will.
As for if he loved you, did you feel he loved you, that's all that really matters is if you felt he did.
Love has nothing at all to do with addiction except with the lack of self love the addict often feels and the desperate need for love the codie seeks.
Move on with your lovely life and put this nightmare behind you.
As for if he loved you, did you feel he loved you, that's all that really matters is if you felt he did.
Love has nothing at all to do with addiction except with the lack of self love the addict often feels and the desperate need for love the codie seeks.
Move on with your lovely life and put this nightmare behind you.
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Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but I'm thankful that members like Anvil, atalose, and Jim have greeted you and given you some helpful feedback. I'd like to talk to you about moving on.
It is difficult to put romantic relationships in our rearview mirror, especially if we still have feelings for that person. But there are times when, as in your case, we're not given a choice. This, for example, brings things to a full stop:
It doesn't matter how much you love someone or care for someone. When that person is doing the above, what it tells you is they have no regard for the consequences to their victims. And it is typical for an addict to believe stuff like this won't catch up to them. But it will, and when it does, it is necessary for that person to experience the full consequences of their decisions and their actions.
Right now, you're hurting and you're angry. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but you're going to feel this way for a while. The key to getting through it in one piece is to accept that this is how you feel today, acknowledge that it sucks, and then head down, shoulder out, and get through your day as best you can. You will survive this, and you will have learned a sad but necessary and helpful lesson about the disorder that is the human condition. In time, when you're ready, you will allow yourself to feel again...to open yourself up to another person...to fall in love with that person. When that day is, I couldn't tell you. But what I can tell you is that day will sneak up on you and visit you when you are not looking.
You'll know it, too.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
It is difficult to put romantic relationships in our rearview mirror, especially if we still have feelings for that person. But there are times when, as in your case, we're not given a choice. This, for example, brings things to a full stop:
I find more mail from our new neighbors! Not just mail but financial papers, bank statements. At the top is his hand writing of their account numbers. I found random people's credit cards in his drawers on top of 10-20 of his own hidden in these drawers! Come to find out all of these cards were activated and cash was immediately taken out, maxed out and never made a payment.
Right now, you're hurting and you're angry. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but you're going to feel this way for a while. The key to getting through it in one piece is to accept that this is how you feel today, acknowledge that it sucks, and then head down, shoulder out, and get through your day as best you can. You will survive this, and you will have learned a sad but necessary and helpful lesson about the disorder that is the human condition. In time, when you're ready, you will allow yourself to feel again...to open yourself up to another person...to fall in love with that person. When that day is, I couldn't tell you. But what I can tell you is that day will sneak up on you and visit you when you are not looking.
You'll know it, too.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
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