Need advice with Addict Boyfriend..
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
in this guy's case i'd have to vote for "manipulation all along". you were naive and malleable, and even when there was glaring evidence right in front of you - the lies, secretive behavior, other people's MAIL opened, a bottle hidden under the mattress, etc etc - you didn't immediately say NO MORE and leave. you continued to buy his brand of BS.
con men know how to spot a mark. and they know how to schmooze and, well, CON, their mark. lots of smoke and mirrors.....SHOW one thing, but SAY another. he knew you wanted to hear the "love talk" - it was YOUR drug.
he's more than "just" an addict - he's a lying, conniving, manipulator who has no respect for any person on the planet.
con men know how to spot a mark. and they know how to schmooze and, well, CON, their mark. lots of smoke and mirrors.....SHOW one thing, but SAY another. he knew you wanted to hear the "love talk" - it was YOUR drug.
he's more than "just" an addict - he's a lying, conniving, manipulator who has no respect for any person on the planet.
As for the BS I was buying into, yes there may have been moments of confusion, ups and downs, but this is love. There were times when I wanted to believe but ultimately knew what was going on, therefore I'm not perfect, as are most people.
Thank you for your advice.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
this was your question:
Wondering why he targeted me.. if it was because of love or because i seemed like an easy target to manipulate.
and i responded, stating it was likely more the latter......HE saw YOU as an easy target. as you said, even when you wanted to leave, you could not due to extenuating circumstances. so he had you there as a bit of a hostage.
you were naive to the ways and means of the professional addict. you saw it as one thing.....love.....he came from a very different place.
love is not chaotic and confusing, with big ups and downs. that's chemicals and endorphins....just like drugs. love would never DO that. love doesn't fling us off cliffs, or cause us to cry ourselves to sleep. or haunt us day and night.
Wondering why he targeted me.. if it was because of love or because i seemed like an easy target to manipulate.
and i responded, stating it was likely more the latter......HE saw YOU as an easy target. as you said, even when you wanted to leave, you could not due to extenuating circumstances. so he had you there as a bit of a hostage.
you were naive to the ways and means of the professional addict. you saw it as one thing.....love.....he came from a very different place.
love is not chaotic and confusing, with big ups and downs. that's chemicals and endorphins....just like drugs. love would never DO that. love doesn't fling us off cliffs, or cause us to cry ourselves to sleep. or haunt us day and night.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am late coming on here and you have been given some very solid advice. Please accept that advice and the experience behind it.
This man has nothing to give, to you or anyone else. He leaves heartache in his dust while he looks for his next victim.
Be grateful that you got out in time before you too were charged with fraud and theft, just knowing about it makes you an accomplice in many states. Be grateful that he didn't wipe out your bank accounts and destroy your credit and be grateful that you are not the one left with the baby to support the rest of your life.
The best way to heal emotionally is to stop picking at the wound...don't look at facebook, don't listen to gossip, don't search for answers that are not going to come and don't look for something from someone who has nothing to give.
WhenI quit smoking something that helped me most of all was that when my mind went to craving or thinking about having a cigarette, I would tell myself "NOT AN OPTION" and immediately turn my focus to something else...even if it was just clipping my toe nails.
Try it when you begin to think of him. Those thoughts will take you no place good.
Another thought, if I was you, I would change all my bank accounts and credit cards, maybe just change banks. And make sure the mail comes only to you or ask for on-line statements.
I know this is painful but you can and will heal...as soon as you focus on making your life better and let the past fade into eternity.
Hugs
This man has nothing to give, to you or anyone else. He leaves heartache in his dust while he looks for his next victim.
Be grateful that you got out in time before you too were charged with fraud and theft, just knowing about it makes you an accomplice in many states. Be grateful that he didn't wipe out your bank accounts and destroy your credit and be grateful that you are not the one left with the baby to support the rest of your life.
The best way to heal emotionally is to stop picking at the wound...don't look at facebook, don't listen to gossip, don't search for answers that are not going to come and don't look for something from someone who has nothing to give.
WhenI quit smoking something that helped me most of all was that when my mind went to craving or thinking about having a cigarette, I would tell myself "NOT AN OPTION" and immediately turn my focus to something else...even if it was just clipping my toe nails.
Try it when you begin to think of him. Those thoughts will take you no place good.
Another thought, if I was you, I would change all my bank accounts and credit cards, maybe just change banks. And make sure the mail comes only to you or ask for on-line statements.
I know this is painful but you can and will heal...as soon as you focus on making your life better and let the past fade into eternity.
Hugs
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Thank you for your responses, and you guys are absolutely right. I've had some time to think, and I think I finally understand things. But even though I've been picking myself back up, focusing on work and my life. I still wake up thinking about him. Anger is still present. I still cry from time to time. I'm just wondering, is this normal? I knew him for about a year total, some part of me thinks I should be over and moved on by now..
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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You are doing the right thing! I also just broke clean of a girlfriend who was on meth. I found out 4 months after we started dating, but spent the last 2 years trying to "help" her. She would lie, steal, manipulate and cheat on me repeatedly. In the last few months, when I quit sticking up for her, covering for her, and holding her dealer accountable, she began actually try to set me up. Claiming I raped her on a recent road trip, hiding paraphenelia in my car hoping I would get pulled over (I am clean and have never used). She lost her children before we met, and of course the story was much different when we met, than what I found to be true. I still do love her, but I had to learn that in order to show her REAL love I had to quit enabling her, which meant I had to leave so she did not have that avenue any more. I am still here if she wants to talk, but that is the extent of it. She claims she is now clean, but still hangs out with her dealer, because he is a "friend" (the same friend she had a relationship with and ended up losing her children) and continues to perpetuate lies about me to her family and "friends", not realizing we have mutual friends who do not agree with her behavior. I spent 10's of thousands of dollars supporting her over 2 and half years, paying off her debt and supporting her with other things (NO I never paid for her drugs, she had friends, but that is another story)
Stay the course! Do not trip and fall because of sympathy or any feelings of guilt. Part of the reason I did not leave sooner is because of guilt. I thought I was being too mean, when in reality I wasn't "mean" enough.
I am right there with you. My heart hurts every day, because the non-drug side of her was my perfect fit, and I thought I had found the "one". So its tough, but I let her addiction take my life down. When we met, I was on my way up. Now I am working my way up from the bottom again. She took me to the bottom, while she moved on to another guy when she could get no more.
Stay the course! Do not trip and fall because of sympathy or any feelings of guilt. Part of the reason I did not leave sooner is because of guilt. I thought I was being too mean, when in reality I wasn't "mean" enough.
I am right there with you. My heart hurts every day, because the non-drug side of her was my perfect fit, and I thought I had found the "one". So its tough, but I let her addiction take my life down. When we met, I was on my way up. Now I am working my way up from the bottom again. She took me to the bottom, while she moved on to another guy when she could get no more.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Originally Posted by NewLifeNewDay
You are doing the right thing! I also just broke clean of a girlfriend who was on meth. I found out 4 months after we started dating, but spent the last 2 years trying to "help" her. She would lie, steal, manipulate and cheat on me repeatedly. In the last few months, when I quit sticking up for her, covering for her, and holding her dealer accountable, she began actually try to set me up. Claiming I raped her on a recent road trip, hiding paraphenelia in my car hoping I would get pulled over (I am clean and have never used). She lost her children before we met, and of course the story was much different when we met, than what I found to be true. I still do love her, but I had to learn that in order to show her REAL love I had to quit enabling her, which meant I had to leave so she did not have that avenue any more. I am still here if she wants to talk, but that is the extent of it. She claims she is now clean, but still hangs out with her dealer, because he is a "friend" (the same friend she had a relationship with and ended up losing her children) and continues to perpetuate lies about me to her family and "friends", not realizing we have mutual friends who do not agree with her behavior. I spent 10's of thousands of dollars supporting her over 2 and half years, paying off her debt and supporting her with other things (NO I never paid for her drugs, she had friends, but that is another story)
Stay the course! Do not trip and fall because of sympathy or any feelings of guilt. Part of the reason I did not leave sooner is because of guilt. I thought I was being too mean, when in reality I wasn't "mean" enough.
I am right there with you. My heart hurts every day, because the non-drug side of her was my perfect fit, and I thought I had found the "one". So its tough, but I let her addiction take my life down. When we met, I was on my way up. Now I am working my way up from the bottom again. She took me to the bottom, while she moved on to another guy when she could get no more.
Stay the course! Do not trip and fall because of sympathy or any feelings of guilt. Part of the reason I did not leave sooner is because of guilt. I thought I was being too mean, when in reality I wasn't "mean" enough.
I am right there with you. My heart hurts every day, because the non-drug side of her was my perfect fit, and I thought I had found the "one". So its tough, but I let her addiction take my life down. When we met, I was on my way up. Now I am working my way up from the bottom again. She took me to the bottom, while she moved on to another guy when she could get no more.
You sound like a very nice guy. And it's hard for us, who are sober and who don't quite understand what addiction and drugs can truly do to a person and make them do.
I think that's very nice of you to keep the lines of communication open after she's done all she's done to you.
I teetered back and forth about keeping some lines of communication open, but I finally decided I couldn't do it. All of the lies, even about getting clean, I just had to put an end to it. My heart is just broken, trying to understand why this had to happen, why he continually did these terrible things to me. It's like he literally woke up one day and made a list of things what would tear Brooklynd apart, and swore to do at least 1 thing on that list every day. All I did was be there for him, and if I ever was a b*tch it was because of how he treated me. But even now, he's saying he hopes we can be friends in the future after he does the work he needs to do to stay clean, yet he's already messing with other women. It just seems so evil and cruel. I'll never understand. All I really hope for at the point is to one day wake up and not have him be the first thing on my mind, and not have him be the last thought when I go to sleep. I would be happy with that.
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I'm not sure if anyone still views this thread, but I wanted to let everyone know I found out from his family that he's been arrested for possession. 4 grams of a "controlled substance". I'm trying to figure out how to feel and process all of this. But, I'm positive this is the best place for him.
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