Need advice with Addict Boyfriend..
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Go girl! That is one great vent, and one you needed to get out!
Look at what you wrote. You do see that you are the winner in all of this? People like that, they self destruct. She will be stuck with a baby to take care of alone. He will do what he does, manipulate and use.
I know it's hard to see all the time, but you are the definite winner here. Now, take a look at your own life, and realize that you deserve so much more. So next time around with another person, you don't put up with any intolerable behavior.
Keep venting, this is a safe and good place to get it all out!
ps...Tell your friends you have no interest in hearing about him or his life. You have to do that to truly block a person. If someone starts talking to me about my X husband, I shut that right down, it's toxic to me and does not deserve the space in my head!
Look at what you wrote. You do see that you are the winner in all of this? People like that, they self destruct. She will be stuck with a baby to take care of alone. He will do what he does, manipulate and use.
I know it's hard to see all the time, but you are the definite winner here. Now, take a look at your own life, and realize that you deserve so much more. So next time around with another person, you don't put up with any intolerable behavior.
Keep venting, this is a safe and good place to get it all out!
ps...Tell your friends you have no interest in hearing about him or his life. You have to do that to truly block a person. If someone starts talking to me about my X husband, I shut that right down, it's toxic to me and does not deserve the space in my head!
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Thank you so much!
I've just got to work through these feelings and endless thoughts. Even though I know it doesn't matter at this point, I'm still left wondering why he did such unspeakable things to me. It's almost like he did these things, hoping I'd leave. Even though he swore he didn't care for his ex anymore, I'm wondering if he did this so I'd leave and he could be with her. Otherwise, these things make no sense. But maybe this is just how addicts work. He did tell me towards the end that this is just how an addict is. That love doesn't matter. No matter if the sober him loves me, the addict in him will do whatever it takes to hurt and destroy me. And that I should stay far away from me. I just never will understand, since I'm not one.
I've just got to work through these feelings and endless thoughts. Even though I know it doesn't matter at this point, I'm still left wondering why he did such unspeakable things to me. It's almost like he did these things, hoping I'd leave. Even though he swore he didn't care for his ex anymore, I'm wondering if he did this so I'd leave and he could be with her. Otherwise, these things make no sense. But maybe this is just how addicts work. He did tell me towards the end that this is just how an addict is. That love doesn't matter. No matter if the sober him loves me, the addict in him will do whatever it takes to hurt and destroy me. And that I should stay far away from me. I just never will understand, since I'm not one.
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You're still assuming he was thinking about you at all and that his actions had planning or forethought behind them.
He's an addict. He pursues his buzz at all costs and nothing much else even registers. Its really not even personal...you were in the wrong place at the wrong time and trying to get between him and his drinking.
As for her...vent away. Just try not to get too caught up in blaming her. She probably fell for a line of charming bull just like you did. And he wouldn't be the first alcoholic to pit you two against each other and run back and forth to whoever will take him in. Jealousy makes a great smokescreen.
ETA: He actually told you the truth...
"But maybe this is just how addicts work. He did tell me towards the end that this is just how an addict is. That love doesn't matter. No matter if the sober him loves me, the addict in him will do whatever it takes to hurt and destroy me. And that I should stay far away from him."
As the saying goes, when people tell you who they are, believe them.
He's an addict. He pursues his buzz at all costs and nothing much else even registers. Its really not even personal...you were in the wrong place at the wrong time and trying to get between him and his drinking.
As for her...vent away. Just try not to get too caught up in blaming her. She probably fell for a line of charming bull just like you did. And he wouldn't be the first alcoholic to pit you two against each other and run back and forth to whoever will take him in. Jealousy makes a great smokescreen.
ETA: He actually told you the truth...
"But maybe this is just how addicts work. He did tell me towards the end that this is just how an addict is. That love doesn't matter. No matter if the sober him loves me, the addict in him will do whatever it takes to hurt and destroy me. And that I should stay far away from him."
As the saying goes, when people tell you who they are, believe them.
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Yes, I do believe him, full heartedly. As for her, I completely understand what you're saying. I don't blame her 100% for what happened between us and know that the majority of my rage is pointed in his direction. I just had to vent about how angry I am with her, as well as him.. but I know she's not really the main problem.
I did tell my friends to please stop looking for drama. But, one slipped last night and told me found some good news that might make me smile. Even if just for the night. Sounds like he turned her down, which ultimately is kind of sad since they are in fact having a child together. I think she really was delusional thinking that trapping him with this pregnancy would have him running back to her. Sounds like her plan failed as she posted about how he's lost his job, home and now his family and children. It did make me a tad happy, in an immature sort of way, but truly it's sad, I thought he would go back to her and start the family life. Just venting, I know it doesn't matter and it's not my business.
I did tell my friends to please stop looking for drama. But, one slipped last night and told me found some good news that might make me smile. Even if just for the night. Sounds like he turned her down, which ultimately is kind of sad since they are in fact having a child together. I think she really was delusional thinking that trapping him with this pregnancy would have him running back to her. Sounds like her plan failed as she posted about how he's lost his job, home and now his family and children. It did make me a tad happy, in an immature sort of way, but truly it's sad, I thought he would go back to her and start the family life. Just venting, I know it doesn't matter and it's not my business.
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The feeling is normal because she was being a smug jerk, and now she is getting her dose of reality, too. Realizing she was NOT better than you and that this was a stupid game to play. And what is the prize anyway? Life with an irresponsible, untrustworthy, drug addicted thief that could land you in lots of criminal and financial trouble as well as ruin your entire future? Why would you want to deal with someone having claim to your child that is so selfish and irresponsible? You can't even run from these people when they want to assert their ownership of your child, they could get OVERNIGHT visitation, even being a full blown drug addict. How would that feel? Dropping an innocent, helpless child off to spend the night with such a man? Play crappy games- you win crappy prizes. YOU are the lucky one in this. YOU have been granted another chance to plan your future with a clean slate. I think you should take this chance and don't ever turn back!
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Originally Posted by solicitude 
The feeling is normal because she was being a smug jerk, and now she is getting her dose of reality, too. Realizing she was NOT better than you and that this was a stupid game to play. And what is the prize anyway? Life with an irresponsible, untrustworthy, drug addicted thief that could land you in lots of criminal and financial trouble as well as ruin your entire future? Why would you want to deal with someone having claim to your child that is so selfish and irresponsible? You can't even run from these people when they want to assert their ownership of your child, they could get OVERNIGHT visitation, even being a full blown drug addict. How would that feel? Dropping an innocent, helpless child off to spend the night with such a man? Play crappy games- you win crappy prizes. YOU are the lucky one in this. YOU have been granted another chance to plan your future with a clean slate. I think you should take this chance and don't ever turn back!
assuming she's just on a high from finally winning him back after 9 months of stewing in it. (The 9 months we were together). But one day she'll realize that he hasn't changed and she can't change him, no matter how much she thinks she can.
I can't believe I heard from yet ANOTHER friend who is friends with one of his past line cooks. Apparently he's been asking for drugs from everyone who used to work in his kitchen. (From the job he got fired from for stealing money out of the register). Did I mention he's one of the biggest chefs here in a major city? It's so sad. Apparently he said my ex was acting extremely desperate. I keep having these extreme ups and downs. Maybe it's just from hearing the news from all of these recent events, which would make sense. But I'm back to feeling so sad and depressed. Sad to think he may die soon, so sad that I can't do anything about it, sad because I miss who he was before he was using. Mad because of everything that he's done to me. Angry as well since he's given me anxiety and stress that i haven't even been working as much as I should be. I was getting better before I heard all of this recent stuff. But I do know it will just take time. Just can't figure out why I ever even had to meet him. There are so many questions running through my mind.
Truly, I want to thank everyone in here for being so supportive and always lending an ear. It really has helped me through this process.
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You know what, there is one thing that he said that is true. You don't understand b/c you are not the addict. It makes them 100% selfish, their only spouse, mother, child, or anything they are about is drugs. It becomes their family, their mate, their bride. They hurt anything or anyone in the way of that.
Tight hugs. You are going to be just fine!
Tight hugs. You are going to be just fine!
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Thank you, yes I know I'll be ok when I can actually just get space and time away from him and this situation. Feel like it just keeps popping back up in my life. I've even been on dating sites just to chat and get my mind off of all of this. I see yesterday he just signed back up to the site we met on. I feel like he's just messing with me, yet again. Trying to manipulate me through jealousy, since this is the only way he could think of, since I've blocked him on every other thing I can think of. Wish he would just disappear. But until then, I'll just disappear from this site..
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"This site" being that particular dating site. I just can't believe he thinks it's ok to do, signing on to talk to other women when he needs to clearly be focusing on this mess he's made and his ex and the baby that's coming.
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I hope you'll stay...there are lots of people here who know what you're going through and that can be a comfort sometimes.
A thought...when our entire being is consumed with thoughts of the ex...we tend to assume the ex is obsessing about us the same way. It's rarely true with an addict. They only have room for their one obsession.
All I'm saying is that there's a really good chance he doesn't even remember you met on that website and maybe what you're thinking is an attempt to get back at you...isn't. It's just an addict shopping for a new enabler.
Wishing you clarity and strength.
A thought...when our entire being is consumed with thoughts of the ex...we tend to assume the ex is obsessing about us the same way. It's rarely true with an addict. They only have room for their one obsession.
All I'm saying is that there's a really good chance he doesn't even remember you met on that website and maybe what you're thinking is an attempt to get back at you...isn't. It's just an addict shopping for a new enabler.
Wishing you clarity and strength.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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remember the 3 C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you cant cure it....
My biggest challenge with my son and his addiction is to try to learn to stop thinking about him so much. It was literally consuming every minute of every day. It's like others have said, they are thinking about their addiction, and nothing else really that doesn't connect them to their drug.
Try to stop the "what if's" when you catch yourself thinking that way. Distract yourself any way you can. I think a big part is to also let everyone you know understand that you do NOT wish to discuss him, or even have his name brought up in conversation in your presence. People tend to like to gossip, or may even feel they are helping you somehow by bringing you information. It's NOT helpful......not to you, not to anyone, and it doesn't change a darn thing.
Are you seeing a counselor? Mine has helped me a great deal. Baby steps........
Hugs
My biggest challenge with my son and his addiction is to try to learn to stop thinking about him so much. It was literally consuming every minute of every day. It's like others have said, they are thinking about their addiction, and nothing else really that doesn't connect them to their drug.
Try to stop the "what if's" when you catch yourself thinking that way. Distract yourself any way you can. I think a big part is to also let everyone you know understand that you do NOT wish to discuss him, or even have his name brought up in conversation in your presence. People tend to like to gossip, or may even feel they are helping you somehow by bringing you information. It's NOT helpful......not to you, not to anyone, and it doesn't change a darn thing.
Are you seeing a counselor? Mine has helped me a great deal. Baby steps........
Hugs
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I'm unfortunately not in a financial position to seek counseling at this point, but definitely want to look into it as soon as I can.
Unfortunately, as well, I had a fake profile made on this dating site when we were together to make sure he wasn't signing on any more after we were together. I decided to hop on to check out his profile, which was stupid I know. I slipped. But he took the bait and asked to chat with me. I busted him. Cant believe I'm including myself in these stupid games. We talked for a bit and he tried to say he knew that profile was me. And how he signed up for this site to find me, since I had blocked him on everything else. He told me he had some of my mail for me. He tried to get my new address from me, and I declined. He said he hadn't messaged my actual profile because I had changed my profile picture so often yesterday, he thought I was up to something. He tried to tell me he's getting his act together. Going to the doctors, addiction counseling and AA. Took a picture of himself at the doctors where he was currently at. And took a screen shot of his message box on this dating site, showing no conversations and no points from being active. I just can't understand why he's doing all of this.. because I don't believe most of what he said.
And now he's not talking to me, as I messaged him with my works address as a forwarding address. I truly feel he's just trying to get back at me, to get at me and work my jealousy. I know he's focused on himself, mostly, but he's extremely passive aggressive and has admitted this is is way when he's upset. It's so childish. I see myself even typing this and realize how childish this WHOLE thing is and here I am participating in it. But, I just can't figure out what it is he's wanting from me. He's clearly on this site talking with other women and god knows what sweet talk he's telling his ex. So, why continue to do this to me? I'm sorry for this rant.. just feel like it's one thing after the next.
Unfortunately, as well, I had a fake profile made on this dating site when we were together to make sure he wasn't signing on any more after we were together. I decided to hop on to check out his profile, which was stupid I know. I slipped. But he took the bait and asked to chat with me. I busted him. Cant believe I'm including myself in these stupid games. We talked for a bit and he tried to say he knew that profile was me. And how he signed up for this site to find me, since I had blocked him on everything else. He told me he had some of my mail for me. He tried to get my new address from me, and I declined. He said he hadn't messaged my actual profile because I had changed my profile picture so often yesterday, he thought I was up to something. He tried to tell me he's getting his act together. Going to the doctors, addiction counseling and AA. Took a picture of himself at the doctors where he was currently at. And took a screen shot of his message box on this dating site, showing no conversations and no points from being active. I just can't understand why he's doing all of this.. because I don't believe most of what he said.
And now he's not talking to me, as I messaged him with my works address as a forwarding address. I truly feel he's just trying to get back at me, to get at me and work my jealousy. I know he's focused on himself, mostly, but he's extremely passive aggressive and has admitted this is is way when he's upset. It's so childish. I see myself even typing this and realize how childish this WHOLE thing is and here I am participating in it. But, I just can't figure out what it is he's wanting from me. He's clearly on this site talking with other women and god knows what sweet talk he's telling his ex. So, why continue to do this to me? I'm sorry for this rant.. just feel like it's one thing after the next.
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The REAL question is why are you still letting it affect you and how you feel so much?
I dated my ex addicted boyfriend for about 2 years. Then I found out I was pregnant, while on birth control! That is when I found out the extent of his problem was much bigger than anyone could handle, that he was on IV heroin, daily. When I found that out, I left him. Now, after 3 years of not supporting his son in any way or even asking about him, he gets arrested and forced onto vivitrol. Started dating some chick about a month after starting recovery and now thinks that he has a claim to my son, just because. He makes demands and even threatens to just "take" my son from me because he is angry that I want his visits to be supervised and gradually increased from shorter time periods. BE THANKFUL that you have a chance to find someone without all these problems. Even if he were to get "clean" he will still have problems and you will still not be able to trust him. All I'm saying is: Think about yourself and your future. What is your dream man? Is he one that will be there for you no matter what? Is he the guy that will be strong and help you when you are down? Is he the type of man that will be responsible, trustworthy, and fatherly to his children, someday? Does this guy even almost foot the bill? Why not focus on yourself so that you can be ready when the real man of your dreams steps into your life?
I dated my ex addicted boyfriend for about 2 years. Then I found out I was pregnant, while on birth control! That is when I found out the extent of his problem was much bigger than anyone could handle, that he was on IV heroin, daily. When I found that out, I left him. Now, after 3 years of not supporting his son in any way or even asking about him, he gets arrested and forced onto vivitrol. Started dating some chick about a month after starting recovery and now thinks that he has a claim to my son, just because. He makes demands and even threatens to just "take" my son from me because he is angry that I want his visits to be supervised and gradually increased from shorter time periods. BE THANKFUL that you have a chance to find someone without all these problems. Even if he were to get "clean" he will still have problems and you will still not be able to trust him. All I'm saying is: Think about yourself and your future. What is your dream man? Is he one that will be there for you no matter what? Is he the guy that will be strong and help you when you are down? Is he the type of man that will be responsible, trustworthy, and fatherly to his children, someday? Does this guy even almost foot the bill? Why not focus on yourself so that you can be ready when the real man of your dreams steps into your life?
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Originally Posted by solicitude
The REAL question is why are you still letting it affect you and how you feel so much?
I dated my ex addicted boyfriend for about 2 years. Then I found out I was pregnant, while on birth control! That is when I found out the extent of his problem was much bigger than anyone could handle, that he was on IV heroin, daily. When I found that out, I left him. Now, after 3 years of not supporting his son in any way or even asking about him, he gets arrested and forced onto vivitrol. Started dating some chick about a month after starting recovery and now thinks that he has a claim to my son, just because. He makes demands and even threatens to just "take" my son from me because he is angry that I want his visits to be supervised and gradually increased from shorter time periods. BE THANKFUL that you have a chance to find someone without all these problems. Even if he were to get "clean" he will still have problems and you will still not be able to trust him. All I'm saying is: Think about yourself and your future. What is your dream man? Is he one that will be there for you no matter what? Is he the guy that will be strong and help you when you are down? Is he the type of man that will be responsible, trustworthy, and fatherly to his children, someday? Does this guy even almost foot the bill? Why not focus on yourself so that you can be ready when the real man of your dreams steps into your life?
I dated my ex addicted boyfriend for about 2 years. Then I found out I was pregnant, while on birth control! That is when I found out the extent of his problem was much bigger than anyone could handle, that he was on IV heroin, daily. When I found that out, I left him. Now, after 3 years of not supporting his son in any way or even asking about him, he gets arrested and forced onto vivitrol. Started dating some chick about a month after starting recovery and now thinks that he has a claim to my son, just because. He makes demands and even threatens to just "take" my son from me because he is angry that I want his visits to be supervised and gradually increased from shorter time periods. BE THANKFUL that you have a chance to find someone without all these problems. Even if he were to get "clean" he will still have problems and you will still not be able to trust him. All I'm saying is: Think about yourself and your future. What is your dream man? Is he one that will be there for you no matter what? Is he the guy that will be strong and help you when you are down? Is he the type of man that will be responsible, trustworthy, and fatherly to his children, someday? Does this guy even almost foot the bill? Why not focus on yourself so that you can be ready when the real man of your dreams steps into your life?
I have to apologize for my most recent post. I think I just had had enough and slipped back into his chaos he has surrounded me with for so long. I did some serious thinking, journaling and took a huge step back to see the situation for what it really is. No, he absolutely isn't the man that I need and honestly, his actions from the past and present are inexcusable. I know he's trying to still mess with me emotionally, and keep me stuck in his world so he'll still have me around in some way (for whatever reason.) Even if it's through jealousy, like being on that dating website. (Which brings me to a question I've been wanting to ask and just forgot. - I know for a 100% fact, that when I find out one of his secrets, as in his addiction problem, stealing, catching him in a lie, etc. - also when I moved out and when he found me on that dating website, I've noticed he always does something to try and hurt me. It's almost like he's a little child, throwing a tantrum. Is this something that drugs - pills and coke- make someone do? I've been wondering its some sort of mental illness..)
But, I've pulled myself up and I'm doing much better. It's finally hit me how ridiculous this entire situation is and truly I'm not even mad anymore. I'm not even thinking anything about him at all anymore, just thinking of myself and the good things in life I do have. It's amazing how things can turn around so quickly once you really take a step back and open your eyes.
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First off, don't apologize for venting your feelings, even if they change later. That is what the forum is for, really. For people to get things out and GROW together.
Secondly, personality disorders and mental disabilities do tend to be common in drug users and if he used drugs from his teenage years up until adulthood, his brain development and maturity HAS been stunted.
When I left my ex I was SO over him. I was like surprisingly good at keeping thoughts of him away, but he also just disappeared on drug binges and left me alone when he realized he couldn't steal from me or lie to me to get stuff anymore. When he realized I was no longer an enabler he was gone. And that was a gift. Now that he has come back and started treating me so poorly, feelings rush back. Like the anger and all the questions. Sometimes I wonder why he is suddenly able to "get clean" just from jail and some new girlfriend, like she was enough for him to care about but I and his own child were not. Sometimes I wonder why he is still awful, resentful, jealous, controlling. I tell myself it doesn't matter and is better this way, but it still makes me angry to have to deal with his childish, stupid behavior all the time. Could be personality flaws like we all have, some kind of disorder or mental issue like bipolar, could be stunted brain/ damage from years of drug use... but it doesn't matter in the end because he is who he is and I am who I am. And boy am I GLAD that I freed myself from that relationship, even dealing with this stuff now is MUCH better in my opinion than actually having to settle for an immature man I'd have no trust in to be the ONE MAN I spend rest of my life with.
After removing myself from that relationship I had worked on myself and tried to make myself learn about this stuff as much as I could. Like why I settled for all this, why I didn't have ANY boundaries, why I tried so hard for ppl that didn't care at all. I changed a lot. I was stronger, I said NO all the time, and I was more sure of myself and what I wanted, or DIDNT want, rather. Then one day I accidentally bumped into someone while just being myself jogging in the park. We hung out a lot as friends and ended up falling for each other pretty hard. I am so glad I was in the place I was when I met him because he IS the kind of man I want to spend my life with. I trust him more than anyone I've ever met, he has my back, he would take care of me if I was down, even sometimes he calmly and patiently puts up with ME when IM being unreasonable or stupid.. It's the most amazing feeling ever after all this time to actually TRUST someone.
You should focus on you and try to get your life back on track. Do things that improve your life and make you happy. Go back to a hobby you once had, find a social group you can join, continue your education to get that dream job, whatever it is that would make YOU happier with your life and remove the focus from him, to your future. THEN you never know what could happen, when Mr. Right comes around you will be more ready for him and you will be more able to recognize him for the greatness that he is.
Secondly, personality disorders and mental disabilities do tend to be common in drug users and if he used drugs from his teenage years up until adulthood, his brain development and maturity HAS been stunted.
When I left my ex I was SO over him. I was like surprisingly good at keeping thoughts of him away, but he also just disappeared on drug binges and left me alone when he realized he couldn't steal from me or lie to me to get stuff anymore. When he realized I was no longer an enabler he was gone. And that was a gift. Now that he has come back and started treating me so poorly, feelings rush back. Like the anger and all the questions. Sometimes I wonder why he is suddenly able to "get clean" just from jail and some new girlfriend, like she was enough for him to care about but I and his own child were not. Sometimes I wonder why he is still awful, resentful, jealous, controlling. I tell myself it doesn't matter and is better this way, but it still makes me angry to have to deal with his childish, stupid behavior all the time. Could be personality flaws like we all have, some kind of disorder or mental issue like bipolar, could be stunted brain/ damage from years of drug use... but it doesn't matter in the end because he is who he is and I am who I am. And boy am I GLAD that I freed myself from that relationship, even dealing with this stuff now is MUCH better in my opinion than actually having to settle for an immature man I'd have no trust in to be the ONE MAN I spend rest of my life with.
After removing myself from that relationship I had worked on myself and tried to make myself learn about this stuff as much as I could. Like why I settled for all this, why I didn't have ANY boundaries, why I tried so hard for ppl that didn't care at all. I changed a lot. I was stronger, I said NO all the time, and I was more sure of myself and what I wanted, or DIDNT want, rather. Then one day I accidentally bumped into someone while just being myself jogging in the park. We hung out a lot as friends and ended up falling for each other pretty hard. I am so glad I was in the place I was when I met him because he IS the kind of man I want to spend my life with. I trust him more than anyone I've ever met, he has my back, he would take care of me if I was down, even sometimes he calmly and patiently puts up with ME when IM being unreasonable or stupid.. It's the most amazing feeling ever after all this time to actually TRUST someone.
You should focus on you and try to get your life back on track. Do things that improve your life and make you happy. Go back to a hobby you once had, find a social group you can join, continue your education to get that dream job, whatever it is that would make YOU happier with your life and remove the focus from him, to your future. THEN you never know what could happen, when Mr. Right comes around you will be more ready for him and you will be more able to recognize him for the greatness that he is.
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I was married to a heroin addicted chef...don't walk, run. You need to remove yourself from this situation completely. Be thankful you are not married to this person, especially since he is breaking the law. He doesn't seem to have boundaries that he won't cross. Try to stop focusing on if the addict ever loved you, and focus on the fact that you have your health and no legal implications at this point.
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Originally Posted by overit263
I was married to a heroin addicted chef...don't walk, run. You need to remove yourself from this situation completely. Be thankful you are not married to this person, especially since he is breaking the law. He doesn't seem to have boundaries that he won't cross. Try to stop focusing on if the addict ever loved you, and focus on the fact that you have your health and no legal implications at this point.
And yes, I completely agree with you, just trying to work through the pain. Did you ever find that you ex husband was vengeful or ever trying to hurt you emotionally?
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Originally Posted by solicitude
First off, don't apologize for venting your feelings, even if they change later. That is what the forum is for, really. For people to get things out and GROW together.
Secondly, personality disorders and mental disabilities do tend to be common in drug users and if he used drugs from his teenage years up until adulthood, his brain development and maturity HAS been stunted.
When I left my ex I was SO over him. I was like surprisingly good at keeping thoughts of him away, but he also just disappeared on drug binges and left me alone when he realized he couldn't steal from me or lie to me to get stuff anymore. When he realized I was no longer an enabler he was gone. And that was a gift. Now that he has come back and started treating me so poorly, feelings rush back. Like the anger and all the questions. Sometimes I wonder why he is suddenly able to "get clean" just from jail and some new girlfriend, like she was enough for him to care about but I and his own child were not. Sometimes I wonder why he is still awful, resentful, jealous, controlling. I tell myself it doesn't matter and is better this way, but it still makes me angry to have to deal with his childish, stupid behavior all the time. Could be personality flaws like we all have, some kind of disorder or mental issue like bipolar, could be stunted brain/ damage from years of drug use... but it doesn't matter in the end because he is who he is and I am who I am. And boy am I GLAD that I freed myself from that relationship, even dealing with this stuff now is MUCH better in my opinion than actually having to settle for an immature man I'd have no trust in to be the ONE MAN I spend rest of my life with.
After removing myself from that relationship I had worked on myself and tried to make myself learn about this stuff as much as I could. Like why I settled for all this, why I didn't have ANY boundaries, why I tried so hard for ppl that didn't care at all. I changed a lot. I was stronger, I said NO all the time, and I was more sure of myself and what I wanted, or DIDNT want, rather. Then one day I accidentally bumped into someone while just being myself jogging in the park. We hung out a lot as friends and ended up falling for each other pretty hard. I am so glad I was in the place I was when I met him because he IS the kind of man I want to spend my life with. I trust him more than anyone I've ever met, he has my back, he would take care of me if I was down, even sometimes he calmly and patiently puts up with ME when IM being unreasonable or stupid.. It's the most amazing feeling ever after all this time to actually TRUST someone.
You should focus on you and try to get your life back on track. Do things that improve your life and make you happy. Go back to a hobby you once had, find a social group you can join, continue your education to get that dream job, whatever it is that would make YOU happier with your life and remove the focus from him, to your future. THEN you never know what could happen, when Mr. Right comes around you will be more ready for him and you will be more able to recognize him for the greatness that he is.
Secondly, personality disorders and mental disabilities do tend to be common in drug users and if he used drugs from his teenage years up until adulthood, his brain development and maturity HAS been stunted.
When I left my ex I was SO over him. I was like surprisingly good at keeping thoughts of him away, but he also just disappeared on drug binges and left me alone when he realized he couldn't steal from me or lie to me to get stuff anymore. When he realized I was no longer an enabler he was gone. And that was a gift. Now that he has come back and started treating me so poorly, feelings rush back. Like the anger and all the questions. Sometimes I wonder why he is suddenly able to "get clean" just from jail and some new girlfriend, like she was enough for him to care about but I and his own child were not. Sometimes I wonder why he is still awful, resentful, jealous, controlling. I tell myself it doesn't matter and is better this way, but it still makes me angry to have to deal with his childish, stupid behavior all the time. Could be personality flaws like we all have, some kind of disorder or mental issue like bipolar, could be stunted brain/ damage from years of drug use... but it doesn't matter in the end because he is who he is and I am who I am. And boy am I GLAD that I freed myself from that relationship, even dealing with this stuff now is MUCH better in my opinion than actually having to settle for an immature man I'd have no trust in to be the ONE MAN I spend rest of my life with.
After removing myself from that relationship I had worked on myself and tried to make myself learn about this stuff as much as I could. Like why I settled for all this, why I didn't have ANY boundaries, why I tried so hard for ppl that didn't care at all. I changed a lot. I was stronger, I said NO all the time, and I was more sure of myself and what I wanted, or DIDNT want, rather. Then one day I accidentally bumped into someone while just being myself jogging in the park. We hung out a lot as friends and ended up falling for each other pretty hard. I am so glad I was in the place I was when I met him because he IS the kind of man I want to spend my life with. I trust him more than anyone I've ever met, he has my back, he would take care of me if I was down, even sometimes he calmly and patiently puts up with ME when IM being unreasonable or stupid.. It's the most amazing feeling ever after all this time to actually TRUST someone.
You should focus on you and try to get your life back on track. Do things that improve your life and make you happy. Go back to a hobby you once had, find a social group you can join, continue your education to get that dream job, whatever it is that would make YOU happier with your life and remove the focus from him, to your future. THEN you never know what could happen, when Mr. Right comes around you will be more ready for him and you will be more able to recognize him for the greatness that he is.
I know I'll get to the point in my life where he's not the first thing on my mind when I wake up. Though it's getting a lot better, I still have major thoughts of disbelief, but I'm working through it. I do see myself getting stronger and as you said, able to draw more boundaries. We are quite the same in the way that we give and give to people who don't deserve it and I am seeing this now, and putting a halt to all of that! I think my mind is still just trying to understand if I ever knew who he really was.. or if it was manipulation all along. I know it doesn't matter, but my brain still is searching for answers that I know I'll never get. Wondering why he targeted me.. if it was because of love or because i seemed like an easy target to manipulate. I'm unfortunately a very sensitive and over analytical person..
But, the days are slowly getting brighter..
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in this guy's case i'd have to vote for "manipulation all along". you were naive and malleable, and even when there was glaring evidence right in front of you - the lies, secretive behavior, other people's MAIL opened, a bottle hidden under the mattress, etc etc - you didn't immediately say NO MORE and leave. you continued to buy his brand of BS.
con men know how to spot a mark. and they know how to schmooze and, well, CON, their mark. lots of smoke and mirrors.....SHOW one thing, but SAY another. he knew you wanted to hear the "love talk" - it was YOUR drug.
he's more than "just" an addict - he's a lying, conniving, manipulator who has no respect for any person on the planet.
con men know how to spot a mark. and they know how to schmooze and, well, CON, their mark. lots of smoke and mirrors.....SHOW one thing, but SAY another. he knew you wanted to hear the "love talk" - it was YOUR drug.
he's more than "just" an addict - he's a lying, conniving, manipulator who has no respect for any person on the planet.
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