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Old 01-10-2017, 10:03 PM   #1 (permalink)
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New to site - scared for my mom and sister


Hi all,

This is my first post. I have a younger sister who is a crystal meth addict. She's been out of jail for 5 years, seemed to be doing well (to me anyway) then has clearly spiralled downward about 6 months ago.

She was in an in-patient recovery program, doing well, but then was kicked out for dropping a dirty UA. She moved back in with my mom, who feels guilty and continues to try to help her, even when she is treating my mom abysmally.

I say I'm worried bout my mom but i don't know how much more she can take - my sister is great when clean but awful to be around when not, and a bully - and mom takes it. Everything is mom's fault according to my sister. Mom is not young and I live three hours away and I am scared to death for her health now.

There is a warrant out for my sister's arrest. Mom actually got to the point where she considered calling her in but couldn't do it this morning; I tried to talk to my sister to see if I could line up /help fund treatment possiblities for her if she was interested, but instead I succeeded in giving my sister another reason to yell at mom, who's already been through the ringer today.

I am so angry at my sister right now and also terrified that something will happen to mom from all the stress, b/c she is heartbroken and feels trapped and I feel like me and my other two siblings haven't done enough to protect them.

i am so angry and afraid for my sister (but mostly angry right now) that I am considering calling her in, to protect my mom (and make me the bad guy instead of her) but also to force my sister into addressing her problems b/c she's not, she just seems to spiralling further down and blaming everyone but not taking any accountability for her actions or inactions.

I feel like a pretty big evil-witch older sister right now but I can't stand seeing my mom hurt like this and my sister continues to make bad choices and not show a lot of remorse or care for those she's hurting. Help.
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Old 01-11-2017, 04:09 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi mb, would your mother consider taking out an order to make it illegal for your sister to approach her? At least research the possibility so she knows it's available.

Apart from legal remedies, can your mother go and stay with relative for a while? It doesn't sound like your sister will be around too long if she has a warrant against her. She would need to be able to lock up the house. Perhaps she could even stay with you?

Your actions should be directed toward protecting your mother as you have no power over what your AS, but anything you do will be useless unless your mother is capable of stopping enabling her. I strongly recommend Nad-anon or Al-anon for both of you, where you will meet others in similar situations.
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Old 01-11-2017, 06:37 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome, MB. As the mother of an addict myself, I understand how your mother feels but putting ourselves in harm's way to try to save them, is futile and won't change the outcome and will only make us very sick in the end. I tried for years and years with my son and almost died in the process. Some things are simply out of our control and addiction is one of them.

You are right to be concerned about your mom. Can she attend any meetings? CoDA, Al-anon and Nar-anon are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us find our balance again and learn to take care of ourselves...regardless of how our addicted loved one is doing.

My prayers go out for you and your family. Addiction is harmful to so many people besides the addict themselves.

Hugs
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Old 01-11-2017, 07:20 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Don't give your sister's addiction any quarter whatsoever. If you need to call the police do it. You may be saving her life.
I called the police on my dad when he was in a drunken rage and had threatened to shoot my mom and I. I knew he wouldn't do it, but we were both fed up so I did what I had to do. The police came, my dad got belligerent and tried to bully the cop and got arrested. I had to watch him get cuffed and stuffed right outside the front door of his own house while his pants were falling down around his ankles. He was swearing at me and calling me (his only child) every foul thing in the book. Yes, it hurt. But when he was gone, my mom was safe. When he woke up the next morning in the county jail and didn't know how or why he'd gotten there, he knew he had a serious problem that needed to be addressed. That was his bottom. He's been in recovery now for 5 years. Do what you need to do.
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Old 01-11-2017, 10:05 AM   #5 (permalink)
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mb4u70,

Welcome to the forum, we are glad you found us and sorry that you need to. You will find this is a good place to vent and get some "school of hard knocks" advice from people who have already been in your situation.

Let me summarize my understanding of the situation. Your younger sister is a meth addict. Addicted sister (AS) was in prison for something and was released about 5 years ago. AS lives with your Mom; they are about 3 hours away from you. AS was doing well (not using) for a long time but now has started to use again. AS went to a rehab but was kicked out due to using. AS is chronically verbally abusive to your Mom when she is using which is now all of the time. AS has an outstanding warrant out for her arrest; Mom will not call in a tip to LE as to where to find AS.

"I feel like a pretty big evil-witch older sister right now but I can't stand seeing my mom hurt like this and my sister continues to make bad choices and not show a lot of remorse or care for those she's hurting."

I think you should concern yourself only with the well being of your Mom and not your sister - I know this is very easy to say and very difficult to actually do. The truth of the matter is that you and your Mom have no control over the behavior of your AS - meth has control over her - you are correct -- she does not care who she hurts or what she does as long as she has the meth -- that is how addiction works.

The question becomes what to do? First, protect Mom. Whether that is getting a protection order or calling in and tipping off the police where to find your sister becomes your and /or Mom's choice.

As others have already suggested, you need to find some help / support for yourself and your Mom - Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, CoDa and CR are all peer support groups that will offer you support -- look for meetings in your local area and give them a try. They have restored many of us to sanity and taught us all that when it comes to addiction - you did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it.

This is the story of a couple in my Nar-Anon home group; I offer it to you to maybe provide a glimmer of hope.

A couple in their early 70's have 3 adult sons. Two sons live in different parts of the country and only see Mom & Dad a few times a year generally when they come to visit the grand kids.

One son is a heroin addict and for whatever reason lived at home with Mom & Dad. Early 30's, typical story -- can't seem to hold a job for long, not married. About 3 years ago as the son's addiction got deeper and deeper he started stealing anything which was not nailed down from Mom & Dad's house and selling it to finance his ever growing heroin addiction - cash, jewelry, electronics, he even sold their snow blower!

As his addiction deepened he became more and more verbally abusive -- laying the guilt trip on Mom & Dad -- addicts are generally very talented in this activity.

Then one night their son became physically violent against his Dad. Mom mentioned this incident to one of the other sons in a telephone conversation. She did not anticipate what that son would do -- he called local police who showed up at the house one night and arrested the addicted son for elder abuse / assault.

Son ended up in jail for some period of time and then was released on probation - Mom & Dad did not know where he was for about 18 months they were worried sick -- since their son is an adult, his probation officer would only confirm that he was alive - no other info. Mom finally tracked him down and then stalked him at his work place and met him in the parking lot one day as he came out of work -- he told them he was not ready to talk yet. Mom & Dad respected that decision but made sure that he had their phone numbers, etc.

Eventually son called and they started having lunch or dinner together and getting to know each other again. They now have a relationship again - not terribly close but not combative or resentful either.

Son is several years clean, holds a full time job, lives in an Oxford House and manages several other Oxford Houses in the county, is active in NA and with another organization which attempts to educate the public about addiction.

Mom & Dad are very proud of their son and his recovery. They ALL believe that if he had not been arrested and sent to jail, he never would have found his sobriety and might be dead by now.

The moral of this story is that jail is not necessarily the end of the world for an addict -- it might be the beginning of a new life.

Keep coming back,

Jim
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Old 01-11-2017, 10:33 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Safety.
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Old 01-11-2017, 10:41 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I don't have any advice for you, but I did want you to know I have been in the same boat as you.

My brother is in his 40s, my mother is in her 70s. I live 3000miles away. He lives in a travel trailer on her property right next to her house. He has mental health and addiction issues. He causes her so much stress, I know it will be the death of her.

My brother should be locked up, either in a rehab, a jail or a hospital, but he isn't. There is no recourse for people who don't want to help themselves unless they have proven to be a threat to others. In other words they have to harm someone physically before action can be taken. Disgusting. ( My brother who is not allowed to own firearms (for mental and legal reasons) was found in possession of one and did not go to jail for it...WTF?!) The system is beyond broken. Not just for the addicts/alcoholics/mentally ill, but for those of us who have to DEAL with them in our daily lives. Sucks.

I don't want to hurt my mother any more than she is being hurt by my brother, but I have decided the next time I hear about her being scared or involved in something she is uncomfortable with because of my brother's behaviour... I AM going to be calling for a welfare check on her and accuse my brother of elder abuse to the police. My mother is so very codependent and has been her whole life to her parents, to my dad and now my brother, there will be no changing that aspect of her personality..and I know she is upset I moved away and that I don't want a relationship with my brother... but I will not have relationships with people in active addiction (or not in real recovery) and I wont help someone else enable someone like that either. That's not good for me and it's not good for them.

I hope you manage to find a way to do what is best for your mom. If your sister manages to find recovery as a "side effect" of that then all the better, but as you know that part is up to her. You are not a bad sister for wanting what is best for your mother. Your sister is a bad daughter for what she puts your mom through. Your sister's actions are her responsibility. Every action has consequences, maybe its time she faced hers and quit making your mom's life hell.

Wishing you and your entire family a happy ending to this saga.

*hugs*
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Old 01-11-2017, 11:09 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Here’s the thing, it’s easy to recognize your sister’s issue (drugs) a known history of drug use, jail and all the clear cut signs of her using again.

But what is not so easy to recognize for you or your mother is your mothers issue (codependency) and repeating accepting abusive behavior from an active drug addict, enabling your sister to comfortable continue to use drugs.

The quick immediate solution for your mom’s well fare and stress would be for someone to contact the police and have your sister picked up on the active warrant BUT without your mom seeking help/treatment/gaining knowledge of drug addiction and addict behavior along with enabling…..history will only repeat itself again and again and again for your mom and your sister.

So really they both need help but both need to be wanting and willing to seek it on their own.

The only thing more frustrating than watching an addict we love destroy themselves with drugs is watching the enabler help them do it.

Try getting your mom to seek help for herself. Al-anon, nar-anon, private counseling whatever it may take to help your mom see how her love may be slowly killing her child.
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Old 01-11-2017, 12:26 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Yes, what atalose just said!!! If nothing changes, nothing changes.

I hope you are able to help your mom get some face to face support so she is able to see that she is hurting herself, and robbing your sister of any chance of recovery through enabling.

Tight hugs. I know it's so hard!
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Old 01-11-2017, 01:45 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by atalose View Post
The only thing more frustrating than watching an addict we love destroy themselves with drugs is watching the enabler help them do it.
Amen, Atalose...as one of those enablers I look back and can't believe how unwilling I was to listen to anyone and wish I had got help for me much sooner than I did.

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Old 01-13-2017, 10:49 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Everyone, thank you so much for your replies and encouragement. It's been very helpful and a bit eye-opening as well - in a good way. I think I'm nearly as much of an enabler as my mom; so I'm starting to go to some meetings nearby and my mom is too. Thank you also for the well wishes, know that they are fully returned for each of you.
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Old 01-13-2017, 10:57 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I am the Mom in the saga mentioned above. .. it is hard very hard and you are right. I know what's right to do . . I just am not sure I am strong enough to do it. I love my other children for wanting to "do the right thing" because "I can't seem to". . i have found two meetings within 50 miles of where I live and I do plan to go. . . thank you to everyone and thank you for this site and that my daughter found it for us. I know eventually things have to get better for me. . . and my family. HopefulHMIA
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Old 01-13-2017, 11:22 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Welcome HopefulHMIAl, you have an amazing daughter mb4u70 who together you can be each other’s strength to deal with this heartfelt situation.
I am glad you both have found meetings and are open minded to learning and understanding how our own actions and love can become detrimental to the addict.

Here’s a poem I used to read daily and sometimes 100’s of times a day especially at the times when MY NEED to “help” was overwhelming me. I hope it helps you to.

IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME FALL

IF you love me let me fall all by myself. Don’t try to spread a net out to catch me, don’t throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don’t have to feel it, don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall, (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me).

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit….trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can’t see it.

The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me…..The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours….the sooner I will arrive….and on time….just right where I need to be…me, alone all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead…resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one.

If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for a while, I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out….I just might slide back down, but doesn’t worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound. Don’t you see?? Don’t you know?? You can’t do this for me…I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever supposed to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours. I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don’t know what to do and you act from your heart and from knowledge of what is best for me….but if you truly love me, let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good. Don’t clip my wings before I can learn to fly….nudge me out of your safety net….trust the process.
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Old 01-13-2017, 02:25 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Welcome Hopeful! I am a Mom of an addicted son who for the last six years has been in and out of recovery. Let me tell you that even when I stumble, I realize and understand that I am only hindering his steps in recovery if I continue to make all the decision for him! It's very hard at first, and then with learning more about codependency and MY issues, it becomes easier to let go. Keep reading here and us Momma's are right here with you!
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Old 01-13-2017, 04:18 PM   #15 (permalink)
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HopefulHMIA,

How wonderful that you AND your daughter have found this forum. There is much experience, strength and hope to be found here and many who are no longer afraid to share it with others. Come often, read, lurk, post, vent -- whatever you need today - take what you need and leave the rest.

"....i have found two meetings within 50 miles of where I live and I do plan to go...." as useful as this forum is, there is nothing which beats face-to-face contact with others who share your problems - you are not alone! You and your daughter are taking the first steps to finding your recoveries.

I will leave you with a few song lyrics which my Nar-Anon home group has printed inside of a "Welcome" card which we give to newcomers - they do a pretty good job of summing up the underlying spirit of any recovery meeting:

"We're glad you're here,
'cause we've been there,
and it's hard to find someone who
understands enough to care.
Put down your pain, cast out your fears.
We've all been there,
and we're glad you're here.
- As performed by Kevin Sullivan

Keep coming back,

Jim
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Old 01-13-2017, 04:59 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Im new to this site. and after reading you guys post from scared for my mom and sis. alot of the feelings she has being scared and understanding moms quest to take care of daughter ,all those feeling are also mine.
my wife is recovering and has feel off the wagon so many times . as of 2 weeks ago she is in recovery again. Thank God for insurance. i am in a state of ,well like being in a washing machine( best way to describe it). In the last 25 plus years i would answer calls to homes where folks were having the same problems. And I had the answer due to inservice training. but I cant take my own advise and cant control my own family. I have found a nar anon meeting near me andwas planning to go but i missed waiting on her to call. wow right this minute i should have gone but i had to listen to her complain and cry about the location and personnel.like i always did. and just waiting on her to say come get me i have heard all this before. Sorry i can go on and on.
thanks for allowing me to read the above posts.
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Old Yesterday, 12:57 AM   #17 (permalink)
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As the mother of an addict, I sympathize. In the end, we need to accept a very harsh truth - we can't save them. We cannot control or make choices for another human being.

I pray for my son and I will pray for you. I hope that God would do what we can't.
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Old Yesterday, 10:09 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Wow, what wonderful support for both sister and mom!

I am just sending out prayers and hugs to everyone in these painful situations. Thank goodness for SR and that we all have each other!

Blessings!
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