Mundanedays

I've been on this site reading stories for weeks trying to feel better, trying to see if it actually gets better. I've been with my bf for 6 years and at first everything was perfect. It wasn't until we were being evicted (3 years into our relationship) did I find out about his addictions. I mean yes, I would find all the liquor bottles hidden in every nook and cranny. But I didn't know about the pills and the molly, the hundreds being spent on a daily basis.

I finally got the strength to tell him it was over and to never contact me again unless he gets some help. He gets out and we celebrate his first year sober. We find out we're expecting. I thought he was as excited as I am. But somehow that made him want to start using again. This time I don't know what he's using but I know it completely transformed him. He starts accusing me of cheating and borderline stalking me. Not to mention saying things I thought he would never say to me. One day he wants to marry me, the next day I'm a b!!!! and a ****, and he never loved me. All of this while I'm pregnant with his child. Being accused of things I would never do to him.

Once again I break up with him and tell him he needs help. He decides to go to rehab again. But unlike the last time I haven't heard from him at all. The first time he went he would constantly contact me. But this time I hear nothing from him at all. I can't help but to feel lonely, afraid and consumed with my thoughts . Am I really going to have to raise our child by myself....give birth alone ?
Is he taking the "13th step"? Does he just really not love me like he says? Did I really just waste 6 years of my life in a one sided relationship? The suspense is killing me.

Reading the forums I know I need to get a copy of co dependent no more. He knows I have no family ....he's the only person I have so he took full advantage of my forgiveness. I'm trying not to blame myself but I feel like me becoming pregnant triggered him. Even though he begged me to have his child.

I guess I'm just venting more than anything. But I really do appreciate any feedback. I don't want to leave him for good but I'm feeling like that's what it's coming down to. It's devastating

hopeful4

Hello and welcome.

Raising a child with an addict is the most heart breaking thing you can ever do. You have a life in front of you, and a baby to take care of. You need to focus on taking care of your baby, and getting protections in place in regards to visitation, etc.

Keep posting, keep reading. You are not alone.

Hugs to you.

NewRomanMan

You're being pregnant did not trigger him. He used again because he is an addict and his disease ambushed him. That's what happens when we're not vigilant. You are not to blame in any way. Neither is your being pregnant. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your baby. Your bf has a long road of recovery ahead of him, and he's going to have to do it for himself and in his own time. Don't take his words personally. We addicts say all kinds of insane and foul sh*t when we're in active addiction. We're all here for you, you're not alone in this.

Hechosedrugs

No, no, no! You cannot make a person use! Events cannot make a person use! Even life-changing, or life-creating events cannot make a person use! They use because they WANT TO!

Sorry, I got a little carried away there. I think I thought I was talking to my old self for a moment and got comfortable.

Anyway, I really do feel for you. This is an absolutely terrible situation to be in. You must be so lonely and afraid. But guess what? Those are things that are in your control. His addiction? His actions? Whether he'll come around? Not in your control. But you can take steps to ensure that you're not lonely and you can also take steps to conquer your fears.

The most important thing is to not isolate. And the best people to be around are those who have experienced similar pain. So you really must get to a meeting for codependents or friends and family of substance abusers. You need to be around people who understand, people who've come out of this okay, even empowered.

Please be careful about letting him back into your life without first proving he's sober and intent on remaining that way.

Blessings to you. You really can come out of this stronger than ever.

Nata1980

+1 on above. You did not cause his relapse. He is an addict, and addicts relapse.

Take care of yourself and you child - and be happy whether bf cleans up his act or not.

Good luck - you can do it!

dandylion

I agree with hopeful4. take her post to heart...she knows of what she speaks!

It is much easier to raise a child without an addict in your life that with one in it!!!

Mundanedays

His mom suggested going to the anon meetings and at first I didn't feel the need for it. Honestly I don't know anything about being an addict maybe that's why I'm on an guilt trip. It's hard for me to even tell when he was using. I truly believe he was sober for a year but he's an expert at lying and hiding it. I would never know if he was truly sober and after years I can't trust his words anymore.

This entire situation sucks Thank you so much for your input.

Mundanedays

I need to stop being so naive. I just have a problem with seeing the bad in someone that has shown me they can do good.

Mundanedays

Thank you for your input. It's hard not to take the word personally. Even though he may not remember the words were very real to me.

Mundanedays

Thank you for the warm welcome. Everything is so fresh that's probably why it hurts more and I can't imagine doing it on my own. I thought after the first rehab trip he would be fine. The year he was sober everything was perfect. It's just crazy how everything can change in an instant.

NewRomanMan

I think his mom has a good idea. Those meetings might be just the thing to help you thru this time in your life. Everybody wants to be around other people who understand. Who have been there and done that. Please give it a shot.

dandylion

Mundays.....I am glad to hear that you have been reading the forum "stickies"---the educational and informational threads above the threads on the main pages of Friends and Family of alcoholic and substance abuse.....
Knowledge is power. Learn everything you can about alcoholism and co-dependency.....this will prepare you for what y ou are up against.

Assume that you will be raising your child alone. And, honestly, it would easier that way. Millions of women do it...and, I know that you can too!!

Now qould be the time to start circling your own wagons. Begin to get your support people around you.....making plans for the rest of your pregnancy and birth......
What kinds of support do you have...? What are you going to need?

You can turn this into one of the best experiences of your life....(even without him).....

hopeful4

Oh how I understand, truly. Of course it hurts, and it's scary. Thing is, it is only fresh for you. When someone shows you who they are, believe their actions. You deserve to educate yourself, to get support, and to protect your child. Keep posting. The support here is amazing.

atalose

Then end the suspense and close the book! You have all the power in the world to write your own ending on this chapter of your life.

The mortal enemy of addiction is accountability and responsibility. Babies are a big responsibility but blaming his relapse on you becoming pregnant is denial of the depth of his addiction and the need to address your codependency. He’s an addict and he will always be an addict the clean time is what will always be in question no matter how many times he goes through rehab, how many meetings he may attend he will always be one bad decision away from using again.

Now is the time for you to focus on you and your baby. Codependency is driven by the agreement that you will work harder on his problem and his life then on your own. Saving him, fixing him is not the cure you need, fixing you is the cure you need. For your sake as well as the sake of your baby.

heartcore

I decided to have my first child all by myself, because his father was an addict. He is 29 years old now, & is an amazing man. I have never regretted my decision. I later remarried, & my husband legally adopted him. After many years, that marriage ended, but he remained an engaged & wonderful father.

Your only task now is to create the very best & healthiest life possible for your child. It will not be easy, but it can be done. Growing up around an addict who is verbally & emotionally abusing you is not the future you want for your child.

You are strong enough to do this, with the help of people you choose to be your community & family. Don't be afraid. You know what to do...

TenaciousTTB

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I was in a similar situation with my ABF.

When I got pregnant, I did not know the extent of his drug abuse. At first, we were both excited. But the day after we found out, he openly got very high on benzos. He said he was "celebrating", and promised not to do them again. But it all went down hill from there.. like your situation, there were mood swings. Talks of marriage one day, and then hatred the next. At one point, I wished I had never gotten pregnant. I did not want to bring a baby into a situation like this. He continued to get high, and we fought constantly. I felt so alone, and suicidal.

Sadly for me, my pregnancy ended in miscarriage at almost 4 months. My bf actually showed up to my DNC, high on xanax. But I know that God has reasons for every thing..

My bf is currently in rehab, and I've stuck by his side, after everything he has put me through. So trust me when I say I know it is hard to let go. But do your best to focus on you and your baby! I wish I would have stepped away, while I was pregnant. I wonder daily if the outcome would have been different..

Just know that you are NOT alone. I wish I would have reached out to others during my pregnancy & miscarriage. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I am here to listen!

And yes, please read Co-Dependent No More. I have just started reading it, and it has been very eye opening. Also look into An Addict in the House, I just finished it, and it has really helped me to understand what my SO is going through.

Hugs to you!
-T

Mundanedays

Thank you so much for sharing !
Your situation sounds so similar to mines. I'm sorry to hear about your misscariage that was my main reason for trying to get away from him. I can't deny the fact that I miss him terribly and still want to help him. I'm working on getting those books. I just wrote an impact letter to him that has helped me a lot. I'm not going to send it but it made me realize the way I was being treated wasn't right at all. It also made me realize i don't want my child growing up in that kind of environment. I was too focused on him and trying to understand the addiction to worry about myself and my blessing.

I still can't say if I'm going to leave him. I wish it was that easy. I'm glad he's in treatment ...well I don't know if he's still there. I haven't heard from him at all in almost a month. I have no one else to reach out to. I don't think his mom completely understands and I don't have a mom. It feels good to know I'm not alone and so many other people have been in this situation.

It's just terrifying to think ill be alone in the delivery room. Going to doctors appointments alone sucks too especially when they ask about the dad.

Mundanedays

Thank you
It's always scary going into things you've never done before. That's what I keep reminding myself. This relationship has completely scarred me. I definitely don't want that for my child or anyone. I'm trying my best to stop worrying and accept the fact that unfortunately this is my life. I can't make him be a parent.

Mundanedays

Thank you
That sounds like words from a mom. Something that I needed to hear. Honestly, I'm the definition of co dependent. Realizing that is helping me get though a lot of my emotions. I'm so glad I found this site. It's a real eye opener.

Sodevastated

Hi Mundane days,

I really do understand your fear of being a single parent and going through the whole thing on your own.Nobody wants that. My AH died of an OD in the summer and I had to go through 6 months of my pregnancy on my own ( you can read my first post to get the full story if you want to).

"It's just terrifying to think ill be alone in the delivery room. Going to doctors appointments alone sucks too especially when they ask about the dad".


Yep, this is terrifying, as it was for me. Going to doctors alone seeing other couples - heartbreaking, and the delivery, not fun at all. But you know what, you will make it. I hated to go through all of that but I did it because I had to and I had to renconsile with the fact that I was alone without my husband when others were not. I told the doctors my AH was dead and asked them to put it in my file so everyone could see it and not ask me about dad every single time. I had anxiety attacks before the delivery because I was so afraid of doing it without my AH and when that day came I cried cause he should have been there. But I was in so much pain and I was so exhausted that most of my thoughts revolved around that. Also, I tried to imagine what it would have been like if my AH had been alive. Being realistic I thought that a) he would probably have been high and it would not have been fun to have him around b) he would have been that high he wouldn't even had been able to come to the hospital at all.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it will suck to be alone but you will make it and you will be astonished and proud of yourself when you've made it through it all. AND you will see, no matter how hard it was, that you made it through WITHOUT him. I wish that you, and I wouldn't have to go through this and that we were happy with our partners but life is what it is. I have my son Aaron now and I have to fight for him and not abandon him like his dad did and you will do too for your child, no matter how much you are hurting. I hope you and I will make it and become good moms.

God bless you