Hechosedrugs

Apparently STBXAH has broken up with girlfriend #2, or so it would seem, as he's back again, going through the same old cycle of apologize, plead, blame, rage, repeat. Yesterday while he was in the blame phase, texting me that "we have history together" and I shouldn't be so short with him (or, in other words, follow the divorce decree which specifically states that all conversations should be related to the children and nothing else), I took the bait. I told him:

"I don't consider us as having had a history together, because you lived a double life in so many ways that I have no idea who you really are."

His response:

"Oh, I don't exist? Well, if I don't exist then I guess you don't need me to support you?"

The texts went on and on like this for about an hour. And it was just kind of funny to me, because I never said he didn't exist. So I got cheeky.

"I never said you don't exist. You do. Please don't worry about that. Anyway, let's put this behind us. I'll see you tomorrow."

Because it's just kind of fun. I mean, conniving and cunning as he can be, he's a real idiot sometimes. But then:

"F*** you. I f###ing hate you. I'll show you the worthless loser I am. I'll show you. Just you wait. You don't treat me like a dog and get away with it. I'll show you."

And on and on for two more hours. And I realize: you are poking fun at someone that is capable of really terrible things. You've already seen some of them firsthand. And your kids are over there with him right now.

So I tried my best to calm him in as few words as possible and reminded myself that as much as it sucks to still have to be walking on eggshells with this person, I very much have to. Because I just don't know. He's not right in the head. His ego is so fragile, and he goes absolutely ballistic when offended.

And that's where I'm at... for now!

hope778

Ariesagain

Be careful...he bites.

AnvilheadII

it really is going to be up to you to hold firm to boundaries, to NOT engage, to keep it strictly business. you simply MUST. he is incapable and really unbalanced.

Hechosedrugs

It's just so difficult, because this all started from me not engaging. He gets angry that I'm not responding to all of his nonsense, then he gets even more angry when I respond. And he keeps saying I need to respect him! I need to respect HIM- the man who stole my identity, landing me in massive debt (not to mention I'm now being sued by discover bank), the man who lied to me a million times, the man who is surrounding my kids with drug addicts- I should respect him? There are a million things that would be so satisfying to say, but I dare not.

The character-disordered wins again. Don't wake the beast! It's madness.

Sunshine1234

Yes it is madness...you are speaking Spanish and he is speaking Greek. Two completely different languages and neither of you will ever see eye to eye. I still have this part of me that thinks my ex will have this Ah ha moment and will tell me I have been right on about him all along. But who am I kidding?! There are SO many things I want to tell my ex but I know I should never. Won't get me anywhere. How do we have these people in or lives for the rest of it and not engage?! It's NOT going to be an easy task by any means but hopefully as time goes on it does get easier. Keep it business like and show no emotion.

Maudcat

I know, Hechose. Sometimes it seems like wackiness prevails where alchol is concerned. Nonetheless, whether it upsets him or doesn't , hold fast to your "don't engage" boundaries, if only for your own serenity.
I got into a shouting match with my alcoholic brother a week ago. I don't know how it began or why. All I know is that I was screaming out all of the contempt, rage and frustration that I have had for him for the last two years.
It should have felt good, yeah? Get it all out?
Nah. I was royally riled up for days, and it didn't change or solve anything. He is still a drunk and a leech, and that is just how it is.
One thing I have done is decide that I will try not to lose my temper with him again. It shreds my serenity to bits!
Trust me, it just isn't worth it.

hopeful4

My X pulls this EXACT same crap. My decision is that I have simply decided not to respond, at all, unless it's about my children. He will get the hint that I WILL NOT engage. He will be enraged one way or another, but I think this will be best in terms of just needing my own sanity, and really knowing there is no way to communicate effectively with him anyways.

Good luck, I know it's soooo hard.

Many hugs from one mom to another!

Sissyfuss

HCD, the difference is that you live on planet Earth and he resides on planet Blotto. The atmosphere he breathes in contains many different substances that causes his brain to view a world completely different from yours. Basically I'm saying he's an alien life form that you can observe but not communicate with. Don't let him steal your serenity. It's invaluable to you and meaningless to him. Huge hugs.

PuzzledHeart

Maudcat, I replay this fantasy constantly in my head with my own sister. I know that it is a Really Dumb Idea, and I have to remind myself that if I want to have a relationship with my nieces, it's best to keep my big mouth shut. They need me as an aunt, not the Toxic Avenger.

I'm sorry you had to go through that, but thank you for the reminder that I need to stay the course and keep my blowup in the realm of fantasy, not reality. Actually, if I could figure out a way to keep that toxic dream out of my head altogether, that would be best.

Ariesagain

Okay, now I want a tee shirt that says, "Toxic Avenger" on it...and possibly a coffee mug and a bumper sticker.

Seren

Oooo....me, too!

And what is that acronym? J.A.D.E?

When dealing with someone in active addiction, it is pointless to:

Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

It just takes us down that rabbit hole of insanity and does nothing to convince them that we a) did nothing wrong in detaching; b) are not to blame for their current predicament.