Whitewingeddove

My AS was clean for a little over a year until Sept when he relapsed. This was the longest he had ever managed to stay clean. He managed to clean up for about a month, but is once again struggling. We have been through so very much with him over the years. 9 trips to rehab, DCF involvement with our granddaughter (who lived with us for a few months). Criminal charges and about 7 years on conditions and probation, etc...so on........

He's with a "fiancé" now who I feel is toxic for him. I'm not the only one who feels this way. Long story short, she's a classic narcissist. And I have recently shut her out of my life. I set boundaries with my son a couple weeks ago and told him we were no longer a revolving door for their drama. He would come home every couple of weeks for a day or two after they had a falling out, but always return.

Last week he called me asking me to come get my granddaughter and return her to her mother (an hour away). I initially said no, and was going to stand firm in my boundaries I had set. But my granddaughters mother called me desperate to get my GD out of there after hearing about the fight. The fiancé apparently told my 3 year old (almost 4) granddaughter "your daddy is a junkie. He doesn't love you, he doesn't care about you. All he cares about are his drugs.

Needless to say, I went and got my granddaughter and brought her home. My AS told me he was "all done" with his fiancé and that she had "crossed a line". I dropped him at a friends (didn't offer for him to come to our house). As expected, he returned to her (their) apt that night.

so..........I'm tired, I'm done.......I've been seeing a counselor for a little over a month now. I'm back on Zoloft, and I am feeling better. It seems to stop me obsessing about things. I'm tired of the drama with everything. I think I am finally reaching the point of acceptance that I can not do or say anything that is going to create a change.

thankfully my GDs mom and I are on good terms. This wasn't the case when I got DCF involved almost 2 years ago, but she has managed to stay clean now for 20+ months, as she was able to get into a tremendous program where my GD could live with her. She's attending college now and my GD is in a preschool/daycare and thriving. I feel good about the fact that she and I are in a good place, and will rely on her if needed to see my GD as my son seems to drop off the planet at times.

I'm trying to focus on me. I just turned 50 this summer, and so much of my life has revolved around addiction. First 18 years with my DH and his crack cocaine addiction (he's now been clean over 10 years). I got a brief reprieve from the turmoil, and then my son picked up where he left off.

I am very sad about it all to be sure, but am starting to see glimpses of other positives in my life, and finding a little bit of peace, and my shoulders are feeling a little lighter than they have in a very long time because I've told myself it is not my issue to fix. Nor can I.........

I hope I can maintain this.......

Thanks for listening

WWD

dandylion

WWD....I k now how hard this is for a mother.
I agree with you....that acceptance of reality and the proper boundaries are the key to finding some place of peace in your life.......
I know that you must be thankful for your GD's mother.....that much is, surely, a blessing!

Ilovemysonjj

Dear WWD, it is the battle of wills with our NEED to have our addicted son in our lives and our NEED to keep our sanity. I too have struggled because when JJ had his 8 months of sobriety I let down the guard. THEN it all came crashing around me. What's good for everyone else, is they do not struggle like I do. They simply accept JJ when he is good and then they accept when he relapses and then they disconnect emotionally. I need to learn this and be aware of my own relapse tendencies. Hugs to you WWD. It must be 10 times harder with a child involved.

Whitewingeddove

feeling ok now, all things considered. Hoping I can hang onto this and move forward, but just like the addict.......one day at a time. For today, I am grateful for my "peace".

PhoenixJ

White WD- thankyou for your post. I understand and empathise for your stress. Being the AH (going through D now- best thing for my family) you post gives me just a little more insight and maturity on the damage my addiction (alcohol) caused those around me. Boundaries- I agree. How to disconnect emotionally- without living in a cave or chemicals> Hard to do. My prayers for you and your family. PJ

allthatsgood

WWD - I know what a difficult journey it is to getting to and being able to accept the reality of our loved one's addiction. I hope it brings you peace. Ilovemyson JJ hit the nail on the head when she said "it is the battle of wills with our NEED to have our addicted son in our lives and our NEED to keep our sanity". I want my son in my live but I don't know how I can do that if he is using. It is so tiring and emotionally draining especially with the holidays at our door. Sending prayers your way.