New here...sharing my long story. Any advice?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 8
New here...sharing my long story. Any advice?
Hi all! I'm new here!
First and foremost, I want to put it out there that I've only been involved in this situation for a couple of months, so being ridiculed for that is what kept me from signing up on any of these forums, but I'm at my wits end and need some insight. *sigh*
Background about me:
I'm 32. I'm a single mom. I'm a registered nurse.
I've never used anything other than an occasional drink when being social with my friends.
Boyfriend's (or ex) background:
He's 26. Spoiled little rich kid (lol). Zero responsibilities. Heroin addict (or former).
Our story:
So, I'm a nurse, & in the middle if the night, we got a patient that came up from the ER with an infection & abscess from when he had his appendix removed the week and a half prior. (After doing much research, I'm convinced that the abscess was from injecting heroin, & not from the surgery itself).
He was considered "high profile" bc his family is very wealthy and contributed millions to the hospital I work at, so I was already nervous about taking care of him. I avoided his room like the plague for a few days until he was assigned to me as a patient.
I walked in and there was this beautiful creature sitting on the hospital bed. We made small talk and thought each other looked familiar. Throughout the night, his mom took a liking to me and suggested that he and I go on a date.
Once he left the hospital, we connected on social media since I thought it was inappropriate to exchange numbers and stuff while he was my patient. Lol
I briefly read through his chart and there was something along the lines of he had been clean for 3 years, but recently relapsed, which landed him in the hospital, & how they found the infection.
Anyway, we went on a date. I brought him around my friends since he had recently moved back home from another state. Of course we bar hopped, & he didn't drink bc he said he had a meeting in the morning. I assumed it was a business meeting. I was clueless.
Throughout the weeks, we were inseparable, had deep, deep conversations & just clicked. He eventually revealed most everything about his heroin addiction. I tried to look past it and was understanding & supportive. He was great to me.
I was growing to love this person and his family. His mom and I became super close. Looking back, I think she loved me bc I was his babysitter for her. She said he was happier and a totally different person since I came along in his life. Sounds promising, right?
Red flag #1...he said he loved me after just a couple of weeks. I was falling for him. Hard. And fast. I wasn't ready to say those three words yet. I was highly suspicious that he was using me bc 1) he was lonely since he just moved back to town, 2) he didn't have his mindset in his AA program, & just seemed to be going through the motions, 3) the feelings of a new relationship is kind of a "high" in itself, so I felt that he was going from one high to another; I was his fix. 4) he's living with his mom, so I got him out of the house and entertained him.
Flash forward a few weeks later. Mom and I became even more close- she revealed years of his past. Of course he blamed his addiction on his family and lifestyle. His parents had lavish parties and he got ahold of alcohol as a kid, then it led to pills, & then to heroin. Also, he had 4 nannies who raised him and his brother, so he felt abandoned by his parents. His mom confirmed this.
She told me details of how she found him lifeless twice right before I met him.
I realized that this was serious business when she showed me where they keep the Narcan in the house, in the event that I find him unconscious.
Mom kept me up to date on his appointments and when he gets his Vivitrol shots, which he did as well, but he never knew she and I talked this much. He still has no idea.
Anyway, I was getting off subject...
He confessed his love over and over and over. Then a few days later, out of nowhere, he became distant. He was attempting to starting a business, so I figured he was just tired from all that, plus going to AA meetings every evening, sometimes twice a day. (I know he was going bc mom's BF is a recovering alcoholic, so they went to meetings together.)
So he got a sponsor and started pulling away once he got to the 4th and 5th step. He said his sponsor told him that he needed to be single for a year. Fine. I get it. He mentioned that it wasn't over another girl or anything. He just said he needed to find himself.
I was mad bc I felt used. He was feeling better,he was more mentally involved in his meetings and working his steps. I was mad that he knew that he should've stayed single instead of getting me involved from the get go.
He fired that sponsor & got another one.
This didn't change anything. He just pushed me away like I never meant anything to him.
Then we had plans to hang out a few times & he canceled last minute. One night he told me that he was driving to a city 3 hours away for a few days to see "friends." I thought it was odd bc he only hung out with the sober ones from AA. He snapped back that all of his friends live out of state. He was never snappy or mean before.
Eventually, Mom revealed that he didn't go. He stayed home and watched football with his dad.
He lied. Why would someone lie about that?
So now I question what else he's lied about. And his behavior/snippy attitude was new. He was distant. He just looked like he always had something on his mind or something was bothering him. I reached out and asked what was wrong. He got snippy, so I got snippy back and said that he needs to go back to the doctor for depression meds or find God or something in addition to his program.
He said that I need to let go bc he is the happiest he's ever been, he has god in his life, & is far from depressed.m. He said I think that I have seen him "broken" and that I think I can "fix" him. He says I intrude on his program.
And to an extent, he is exactly right. I love him. And also the nurse and mom in me puts me in overdrive. I've become obsessed with learning about heroin addiction, statistics, AA, Al-anon, codependency, & anything I can get my hands on. I feel like I've become the codependent one. If I don't hear from him or his mom, or if he doesn't post on social media, I freak out thinking that something is wrong.
I saw a picture on his Instagram the other day & he just has this "lost" look. His face is breaking out. He had a sore on his lip. Honestly it makes me question is he's using meth, since he can no longer get high from opiates since hes on the Vivitrol shot. There was also a picture that he drew & captioned it as "I forgot how putting a pen on paper can help free your mind of things that are burdening you. If it hadn't been for drawing lately, I would've lost my s..t"
Soooo he says he is happy and all that, but then posts stuff like that. Denial. Maybe he is using. Idk. I hate not knowing who he's with or what he's doing. I felt like his babysitter and now I can't hover. I'm losing it.
I miss him like crazy. Do they "cycle" and push people away, but come back around? Is this normal behavior for people in recovery?
I'm just so confused. He's never given me any clear answers. He says we can hang out soon...it's been 5 weeks, but part of me is wondering if he's on his 8th and 9th step, & not just bc he genuinely misses me.
Idk what to do.
Sorry this is all over the place! I needed to vent.
First and foremost, I want to put it out there that I've only been involved in this situation for a couple of months, so being ridiculed for that is what kept me from signing up on any of these forums, but I'm at my wits end and need some insight. *sigh*
Background about me:
I'm 32. I'm a single mom. I'm a registered nurse.
I've never used anything other than an occasional drink when being social with my friends.
Boyfriend's (or ex) background:
He's 26. Spoiled little rich kid (lol). Zero responsibilities. Heroin addict (or former).
Our story:
So, I'm a nurse, & in the middle if the night, we got a patient that came up from the ER with an infection & abscess from when he had his appendix removed the week and a half prior. (After doing much research, I'm convinced that the abscess was from injecting heroin, & not from the surgery itself).
He was considered "high profile" bc his family is very wealthy and contributed millions to the hospital I work at, so I was already nervous about taking care of him. I avoided his room like the plague for a few days until he was assigned to me as a patient.
I walked in and there was this beautiful creature sitting on the hospital bed. We made small talk and thought each other looked familiar. Throughout the night, his mom took a liking to me and suggested that he and I go on a date.
Once he left the hospital, we connected on social media since I thought it was inappropriate to exchange numbers and stuff while he was my patient. Lol
I briefly read through his chart and there was something along the lines of he had been clean for 3 years, but recently relapsed, which landed him in the hospital, & how they found the infection.
Anyway, we went on a date. I brought him around my friends since he had recently moved back home from another state. Of course we bar hopped, & he didn't drink bc he said he had a meeting in the morning. I assumed it was a business meeting. I was clueless.
Throughout the weeks, we were inseparable, had deep, deep conversations & just clicked. He eventually revealed most everything about his heroin addiction. I tried to look past it and was understanding & supportive. He was great to me.
I was growing to love this person and his family. His mom and I became super close. Looking back, I think she loved me bc I was his babysitter for her. She said he was happier and a totally different person since I came along in his life. Sounds promising, right?
Red flag #1...he said he loved me after just a couple of weeks. I was falling for him. Hard. And fast. I wasn't ready to say those three words yet. I was highly suspicious that he was using me bc 1) he was lonely since he just moved back to town, 2) he didn't have his mindset in his AA program, & just seemed to be going through the motions, 3) the feelings of a new relationship is kind of a "high" in itself, so I felt that he was going from one high to another; I was his fix. 4) he's living with his mom, so I got him out of the house and entertained him.
Flash forward a few weeks later. Mom and I became even more close- she revealed years of his past. Of course he blamed his addiction on his family and lifestyle. His parents had lavish parties and he got ahold of alcohol as a kid, then it led to pills, & then to heroin. Also, he had 4 nannies who raised him and his brother, so he felt abandoned by his parents. His mom confirmed this.
She told me details of how she found him lifeless twice right before I met him.
I realized that this was serious business when she showed me where they keep the Narcan in the house, in the event that I find him unconscious.
Mom kept me up to date on his appointments and when he gets his Vivitrol shots, which he did as well, but he never knew she and I talked this much. He still has no idea.
Anyway, I was getting off subject...
He confessed his love over and over and over. Then a few days later, out of nowhere, he became distant. He was attempting to starting a business, so I figured he was just tired from all that, plus going to AA meetings every evening, sometimes twice a day. (I know he was going bc mom's BF is a recovering alcoholic, so they went to meetings together.)
So he got a sponsor and started pulling away once he got to the 4th and 5th step. He said his sponsor told him that he needed to be single for a year. Fine. I get it. He mentioned that it wasn't over another girl or anything. He just said he needed to find himself.
I was mad bc I felt used. He was feeling better,he was more mentally involved in his meetings and working his steps. I was mad that he knew that he should've stayed single instead of getting me involved from the get go.
He fired that sponsor & got another one.
This didn't change anything. He just pushed me away like I never meant anything to him.
Then we had plans to hang out a few times & he canceled last minute. One night he told me that he was driving to a city 3 hours away for a few days to see "friends." I thought it was odd bc he only hung out with the sober ones from AA. He snapped back that all of his friends live out of state. He was never snappy or mean before.
Eventually, Mom revealed that he didn't go. He stayed home and watched football with his dad.
He lied. Why would someone lie about that?
So now I question what else he's lied about. And his behavior/snippy attitude was new. He was distant. He just looked like he always had something on his mind or something was bothering him. I reached out and asked what was wrong. He got snippy, so I got snippy back and said that he needs to go back to the doctor for depression meds or find God or something in addition to his program.
He said that I need to let go bc he is the happiest he's ever been, he has god in his life, & is far from depressed.m. He said I think that I have seen him "broken" and that I think I can "fix" him. He says I intrude on his program.
And to an extent, he is exactly right. I love him. And also the nurse and mom in me puts me in overdrive. I've become obsessed with learning about heroin addiction, statistics, AA, Al-anon, codependency, & anything I can get my hands on. I feel like I've become the codependent one. If I don't hear from him or his mom, or if he doesn't post on social media, I freak out thinking that something is wrong.
I saw a picture on his Instagram the other day & he just has this "lost" look. His face is breaking out. He had a sore on his lip. Honestly it makes me question is he's using meth, since he can no longer get high from opiates since hes on the Vivitrol shot. There was also a picture that he drew & captioned it as "I forgot how putting a pen on paper can help free your mind of things that are burdening you. If it hadn't been for drawing lately, I would've lost my s..t"
Soooo he says he is happy and all that, but then posts stuff like that. Denial. Maybe he is using. Idk. I hate not knowing who he's with or what he's doing. I felt like his babysitter and now I can't hover. I'm losing it.
I miss him like crazy. Do they "cycle" and push people away, but come back around? Is this normal behavior for people in recovery?
I'm just so confused. He's never given me any clear answers. He says we can hang out soon...it's been 5 weeks, but part of me is wondering if he's on his 8th and 9th step, & not just bc he genuinely misses me.
Idk what to do.
Sorry this is all over the place! I needed to vent.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Hi Google, Welcome to SR.
Trying to get into the head of a recovering addict is like trying to understand why they are addicted in the first place. He may be using, he may be focusing on his own recovery and life. You may never know.
Regardless, this is a perfect time to screw your head back on straight and focus on your own future, and the future of your own family.
We are hear for you if you need us
Trying to get into the head of a recovering addict is like trying to understand why they are addicted in the first place. He may be using, he may be focusing on his own recovery and life. You may never know.
Regardless, this is a perfect time to screw your head back on straight and focus on your own future, and the future of your own family.
We are hear for you if you need us
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
All of your instincts were screaming at you when you first met this guy...you're a smart person. Yes, his mom was handing off babysitting to you, yes the love bombing was unhealthy and too soon, yes, he's probably using again and yes, all your research and "I can fix this!" is textbook codependency. Him now pushing you away is textbook addict.
Someone here has a great mantra, "Pray for him and stay away from him." It sounds like he has every resource in the world to get help and there are plenty of people with less-than-great pasts who don't use drugs.
Maybe use all that effort to help you help you? Research codependency and learn why we get so hooked in...the intermittent reinforcement of "I love you now go away now come back now good-bye" is particularly powerful
You can get past this. Sending you a hug.
Someone here has a great mantra, "Pray for him and stay away from him." It sounds like he has every resource in the world to get help and there are plenty of people with less-than-great pasts who don't use drugs.
Maybe use all that effort to help you help you? Research codependency and learn why we get so hooked in...the intermittent reinforcement of "I love you now go away now come back now good-bye" is particularly powerful
You can get past this. Sending you a hug.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 8
I did get the audiobook "Codependency No More." I'm at my wits end. I find myself spending hours reading through old forums and all kinds of info. I lose track of time. It's almost like it's an obsession.
His mom said that they have spent millions on him as far as rehab goes. He's been to treatment centers all over the US, to no avail. I have really high hopes for him, although I've only been around him since he's been sober. He's still in early recovery, and I know that they say no major life changes for a year. I thought I was good for him, but from what I've read, I'm actually an enemy to an addict bc I've shown that I care and that I've tried to be a supportive girlfriend and friend.
Hesnapped and said that he has God in his life. I so wanted to snap. Ack and say that while God may be on his side, statistics are not. I bit my tongue. It's so hard to just stay mum when I really want to shake him and ask "why, why, why" & to wake up. Considering his parents spent millions on him and it hasn't worked, the odds are not in his favor. It would break my heart to see him relapse. I fear that day. I fear that the next time I talk to his mom, it's not going to be good news. Part of me wishes I'd never met him, but part of me thinks that God put me in his life for a reason. And vice versa. His mom always said that somebody was looking out for him bc they were given an angel...aka me...(her words, not mine). She loved the fact that I'm a nurse & also kind, supportive, caring, & loving. She said it breaks her heart that he is being this way, but she also said that he has to go/distance himself before he is thinking clearly. I also reached out to a mutual friend who was in rehab with him. He said that this is what he does. He gets clean for awhile & then pushes everyone away.
I'm hurt and confused & feel powerless. I'm just curious if anyone else has experienced this...& how long these "cycles" of pushing people away, even when they are sober/recovering. Is it part of the process? I miss him terribly & him telling me that we. An hang soon just gives me false hope. I know I shouldn't put my life on hold, but at the same time I feel like he has no one else except for his friends in the meetings & his family.
Anyway... is what he is doing normal behavior even when not using?
His mom said that they have spent millions on him as far as rehab goes. He's been to treatment centers all over the US, to no avail. I have really high hopes for him, although I've only been around him since he's been sober. He's still in early recovery, and I know that they say no major life changes for a year. I thought I was good for him, but from what I've read, I'm actually an enemy to an addict bc I've shown that I care and that I've tried to be a supportive girlfriend and friend.
Hesnapped and said that he has God in his life. I so wanted to snap. Ack and say that while God may be on his side, statistics are not. I bit my tongue. It's so hard to just stay mum when I really want to shake him and ask "why, why, why" & to wake up. Considering his parents spent millions on him and it hasn't worked, the odds are not in his favor. It would break my heart to see him relapse. I fear that day. I fear that the next time I talk to his mom, it's not going to be good news. Part of me wishes I'd never met him, but part of me thinks that God put me in his life for a reason. And vice versa. His mom always said that somebody was looking out for him bc they were given an angel...aka me...(her words, not mine). She loved the fact that I'm a nurse & also kind, supportive, caring, & loving. She said it breaks her heart that he is being this way, but she also said that he has to go/distance himself before he is thinking clearly. I also reached out to a mutual friend who was in rehab with him. He said that this is what he does. He gets clean for awhile & then pushes everyone away.
I'm hurt and confused & feel powerless. I'm just curious if anyone else has experienced this...& how long these "cycles" of pushing people away, even when they are sober/recovering. Is it part of the process? I miss him terribly & him telling me that we. An hang soon just gives me false hope. I know I shouldn't put my life on hold, but at the same time I feel like he has no one else except for his friends in the meetings & his family.
Anyway... is what he is doing normal behavior even when not using?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Is it normal? No. Is it typical? Absolutely. Reading through the Friends and Family threads here is a great thing for you to do because you can see the behavior patterns and how typical they are.
My personal experience is with a series of alcoholics, but having read so many threads from people who love drug addicts, the behaviors are so similar.
"Not using" does not equal recovery. "Not using" doesn't mean that he is restored to his "real self," especially with his history. Mentally trying to separate the person from the addiction is an exercise in futility, because it doesn't matter...he will do what addicts do until such time as he truly recovers (although you recognize that if millions of dollars of treatment hasn't helped and his mother has to keep Narcan on hand, the statistics are not good).
His friends in his meetings are the best friends for him to have because they get it. They know the life, they know the excuses and the rationalizations, and they will support him in a healthy way.
Being his "angel" is a lovely idea but it's just not reality. His poor mom is no doubt at her wit's end and is so grateful to have someone share the load...it's absolutely understandable. But you can't fix this.
You're a nurse and so you know how to detach from the outcome, professionally. Maybe use those skills here, if you plan to keep trying to stay in his life, knowing that this hope is most likely, as you said, false hope?
My personal experience is with a series of alcoholics, but having read so many threads from people who love drug addicts, the behaviors are so similar.
"Not using" does not equal recovery. "Not using" doesn't mean that he is restored to his "real self," especially with his history. Mentally trying to separate the person from the addiction is an exercise in futility, because it doesn't matter...he will do what addicts do until such time as he truly recovers (although you recognize that if millions of dollars of treatment hasn't helped and his mother has to keep Narcan on hand, the statistics are not good).
His friends in his meetings are the best friends for him to have because they get it. They know the life, they know the excuses and the rationalizations, and they will support him in a healthy way.
Being his "angel" is a lovely idea but it's just not reality. His poor mom is no doubt at her wit's end and is so grateful to have someone share the load...it's absolutely understandable. But you can't fix this.
You're a nurse and so you know how to detach from the outcome, professionally. Maybe use those skills here, if you plan to keep trying to stay in his life, knowing that this hope is most likely, as you said, false hope?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 8
You're absolutely right.
As far as detaching myself, it's easier when it's a patient vs someone I'm emotionally attached to and care about. Professionally, I have a bit of control of the situation the patient is in.
With BF, I have zero control and it eats me up, especially now that I don't know where he's at, what he's doing, who he's with. I don't know if he's honestly happy or sad. He tells me one thing, yet posts another.
He refuses my emotional support nowadays. I just don't know.
As far as detaching myself, it's easier when it's a patient vs someone I'm emotionally attached to and care about. Professionally, I have a bit of control of the situation the patient is in.
With BF, I have zero control and it eats me up, especially now that I don't know where he's at, what he's doing, who he's with. I don't know if he's honestly happy or sad. He tells me one thing, yet posts another.
He refuses my emotional support nowadays. I just don't know.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
As an alcoholic in recovery myself I have to say...anyone who tries to control me or fix me or figure me out/read my mind gets the boot. That is partly what kept me drinking for so many years - not having the tools to deal with controlling people.
Now my solution has to be to tell them to stop. If they don't stop I can stop talking to them, and I do. He doesn't have to be in a relationship with you and it sounds like he's trying to tell you that.
The harder people push me, the further away from them I want to be. He has to stay close to his mom's pocketbook. He doesn't have to listen to your "concern" or "advice." I really dislike it when people pity me or want to "help."
Now my solution has to be to tell them to stop. If they don't stop I can stop talking to them, and I do. He doesn't have to be in a relationship with you and it sounds like he's trying to tell you that.
The harder people push me, the further away from them I want to be. He has to stay close to his mom's pocketbook. He doesn't have to listen to your "concern" or "advice." I really dislike it when people pity me or want to "help."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Googleit,
A lot of us have found that when we took a step back we were able to see that there was a selfish aspect to our codependency. We're not saints- we don't go around dark alleys looking for lost souls to save. We want out perfect lovers/sons/daughters/ whatever they may be. We have a vision of what our lives would be like if only they would stop using. We want the fantasy to be real. But it never is.
You are right that the odds are against him. In a way, he's given you a gift by pushing you away.
I understand what you mean about the research taking over your life. I think it's important that we educate ourselves, but there comes a time when you're just reading the same thing over and over again. Literally. I read the same exact websites and books multiple times. I was obsessed, too. I think I was looking for words to fix me, but the only thing that did was time. Time has shown me that I'm much better off without my addict- I'm happier, I'm more attractive (seriously, he was aging me! I used to be mistaken for older, now I'm being told I look much younger than my age)- the world is opening up for me.
I'm grateful for this experience. I really do like myself better than I ever did before. I'm wiser, stronger. Someone said on this forum, "Sometimes people are lessons." So true.
A lot of us have found that when we took a step back we were able to see that there was a selfish aspect to our codependency. We're not saints- we don't go around dark alleys looking for lost souls to save. We want out perfect lovers/sons/daughters/ whatever they may be. We have a vision of what our lives would be like if only they would stop using. We want the fantasy to be real. But it never is.
You are right that the odds are against him. In a way, he's given you a gift by pushing you away.
I understand what you mean about the research taking over your life. I think it's important that we educate ourselves, but there comes a time when you're just reading the same thing over and over again. Literally. I read the same exact websites and books multiple times. I was obsessed, too. I think I was looking for words to fix me, but the only thing that did was time. Time has shown me that I'm much better off without my addict- I'm happier, I'm more attractive (seriously, he was aging me! I used to be mistaken for older, now I'm being told I look much younger than my age)- the world is opening up for me.
I'm grateful for this experience. I really do like myself better than I ever did before. I'm wiser, stronger. Someone said on this forum, "Sometimes people are lessons." So true.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 8
Idk. Maybe he's going through PAWS or something. It's like he wants me close, but not too close. He blocked me from texting or calling, yet communicates via Whatsapp. He deleted me from Facebook, but not Instagram. I post some quotes and stuff from time to time and he messaged me that he knows that they are directed at him, which they are, but at least I know he's watching my stuff. Lol.
I did go a week without contacting him, but got a bad feeling Friday and caved.he did respond and said that he and his mom are ok. & that he couldn't hang out bc he was at a Christmas party, & also Saturday, but we can hang out soon. He's coming around. I haven't contacted him since.
I guess I'm just more ticked off that everything was great & then out of the blue, he just pushed me away. It was totally unexpected. Like they say, he sold me a dream, but delivered a nightmare.
I have a feeling he will be back. Almost every single ex comes back around. Every. Dang. One. Of. Them.
Lol. I'm just impatient with him bc I know he needs me.
I did go a week without contacting him, but got a bad feeling Friday and caved.he did respond and said that he and his mom are ok. & that he couldn't hang out bc he was at a Christmas party, & also Saturday, but we can hang out soon. He's coming around. I haven't contacted him since.
I guess I'm just more ticked off that everything was great & then out of the blue, he just pushed me away. It was totally unexpected. Like they say, he sold me a dream, but delivered a nightmare.
I have a feeling he will be back. Almost every single ex comes back around. Every. Dang. One. Of. Them.
Lol. I'm just impatient with him bc I know he needs me.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
If someone wants to break it off with you, why would you continue to pursue a relationship with them??
Move on and find someone who actually wants to enjoy your company.
Move on and find someone who actually wants to enjoy your company.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
Hello G-it. Rational thought and love kind of do not work sometimes do they? You cannot fix him. If he is not the person you thought he was, or hope will be with no effort on his behalf, I guess that tell you something. I would suggest perhaps going to some of those support meetings- by yourself. Perhaps tone down the checking up on social media, phones and stuff. The others who posted- I agree, you need to focus on you. Being a nurse (been there, done that) you do not take your patients home with you. Do you think that is what you are doing? Looking rationally as a nurse at this situation and not following through on what the nurse would do because of the emotional connection?
Support and prayers to you, PJ.
Support and prayers to you, PJ.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 174
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know it hurts, but you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them. Don't settle for any less. Something I wish I would've learned a long time ago is that you can't change people. If he doesn't want to be with you, you just have to move on. Don't let him cause you any more heart ache.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
aren't there strict rules regarding a nurse's conduct regarding a patient?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Googleit
I'm just impatient with him bc I know he needs me.
Reading your story there are a lot of red-flag Codie behaviors & considering the relationship has been fairly short-term, I'd bet anything that this side of you existed before meeting him. Otherwise it would be easier for you to walk away now instead of keeping yourself engaged in ways like passive-aggressive Instagram postings.
Again - with respect - if you spent half the amount of time you waste worrying about everything you cannot possibly control (i.e. Him) and focused that energy on figuring out the roots of things on your side of this, you'd get a lot farther with healing yourself. Why would you WANT to invest so much in someone you've know such a relatively short amount of time, are not tied to via children or finances, and who has such a lengthy, difficult record with recovery? Obviously he struggles VERY hard to stay on an even path in recovery & he keeps telling you what he needs to make that happen..... but you choose to take it personally as an action AGAINST you instead of something he's doing FOR him.
He's 26 - he's had a very complicated road in his recovery, he has expressed the need to be on his own as much as possible (but still lives with mommy)..... even if he stops everything right this second, he has a mountain to climb to gain the maturity & life skills he'll need going further. Why are you putting your life on hold just to wait & see how it turns out for him? You deserve better than that, I'm sure of it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Hi Googleit,
Welcome to SR, I'm glad you decided to come here and post, but I'm sorry for the stress you've been going through.
One of the things that really helped me was to go no contact with my ex: no phone calls, texts, visits, etc. Was it easy? Hell no. But the more distance I had between him, the clearer things became to me. I was so caught up in the whirlwind of the relationship that I had lost some perspective.
You said you're also a single mom. Is this really the type of person you want around your child? He doesn't seem like a very honest or dependable partner. It sounds like he doesn't have a job and he still lives with his parents.
Imagine that one of your best friends, sister or daughter was in this type of relationship. What advice would you give them?
It's up to you whether you stay with him or leave, but whatever you decide to do, I hope you take care of yourself and continue reaching out for support.
Welcome to SR, I'm glad you decided to come here and post, but I'm sorry for the stress you've been going through.
One of the things that really helped me was to go no contact with my ex: no phone calls, texts, visits, etc. Was it easy? Hell no. But the more distance I had between him, the clearer things became to me. I was so caught up in the whirlwind of the relationship that I had lost some perspective.
You said you're also a single mom. Is this really the type of person you want around your child? He doesn't seem like a very honest or dependable partner. It sounds like he doesn't have a job and he still lives with his parents.
Imagine that one of your best friends, sister or daughter was in this type of relationship. What advice would you give them?
It's up to you whether you stay with him or leave, but whatever you decide to do, I hope you take care of yourself and continue reaching out for support.
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