Nelly1

It's been one week. One week since I found out my fiancé relapsed for the third time and after the third rehab. One week since I uncovered all of his affairs (there were so many) that I truly had no clue about. It has been one week since I discovered he has a 19 year old girlfriend (he's almost 29) he met in rehab who is a felon and heroin addict. . Supposedly she is "clean". Since I kicked him out he's been couch surfing and running around with his new Chick, he can't live with her and use her the way he used me she's a baby that lives with her parents. I'm just so unltterly distraught. It's strange I'm going through my days totally normal... I'm going to work, I'm eating, I'm sleeping, maybe I cry for a total of two minutes before and after bed... it seems To hit me like a ton of bricks the minute I wake up. But inside I'm losing my mind. I don't see a way out of this, I don't see the silver lining, and I don't see how I'll ever be normal again. I hate when people say that I'm free of all Of this now and I'm free to carry on a good life without his drug addiction haunting me and while I agree that's true.... I'm still haunted by it. I'll always be haunted by this. I'm morning the loss of him to drugs and the loss of him to this life and honestly his affairs and his new girlfriend are just the icing on the cake. It just all is too much to bare. He's parading this girl around like I never existed. He texts me and tells me he's a bad person and he's going to kill himself and "don't worry I won't be along much longer" but I know it's all just to try to play me once again and I'm stronger than that. I know it's all apart of his sick schemes. I guess it's just bothering me that he's Scott free running around with his new girlfriend and I'm stuck cleaning up the mess, paying all of the bills and fighting like hell to get through each day. His new plan is to detox on subs to get sober for his new girlfriend...: what a guy right? I suppose things are going To work with this 19 year old and their going to run off into the sunset (yea okay) ... it's just sick and embarrassing

tomls

They say time heals everything. I think I would change my phone #. Luck be with you.

MAYA1

I just sent you message with books that helped me. I would not be in touch with him.
Most people never change (if they were dedicated to change, its really hard work and dedication and takes years). He will hurt/use most people in his life.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Just try save yourself now when u have all the information available abt him.

Mmartin87

You literally wrote a page out of my current life.
I literally am going through very same thing, only I am married (5 almost 6 years in Feb) and my husband relapsed again and "icing on cake" is with someone else.
I said that exact phrase to my therapist yesterday.
I like you am going to work, eating , sleeping, raising my kid, getting her to all her events, paying the bills like a normal person, but on the inside I'm falling apart.
The grieving process is so real. I think most people do think that now we can move on but in all honesty, you can't just move on from something you were so devoted to.
I think most my friends and family feel sorry for me but I'm not allowing that so much as I look like I am fine based on my actions.
My therapist had a break through with me yesterday and since then I have been in a funk.
If your not seeing a therapist, it is wise to look into it. It has helped me tremendously.
She is helping me to see that I have inner things I need to work through that not only stem from my husbands actions by interpersonal thoughts and feelings I have had for some time but not been able to cope with due to constantly having to cope with his issues.

zoso77

Well, the good news is he's shown you what he is. It's painful to look right now, I know. But when you're ready to, you'll look at him as something and someone you don't need in your life.

In the meantime, keep pushing forward...

ByHisLove

I'm sorry he's hurting you so much. I'm sure it hurts like he'll right now, but I'm pretty sure somewhere down the line you will be greatful that you aren't with him. No one deserves to be treated like that, addiction or no addiction. You don't have to put up with it, you can be with someone that doesn't constantly lie, cheat and use (drugs and you).

Get help for yourself to heal. Move on and don't look back. It won't hurt like this forever. Prayers.

atalose

Why are you still in contact with this person?

Hechosedrugs

Nelly,

I'm so sorry for your pain. I do think it's time to go no contact. He doesn't show signs of wanting recovery. He's hurt you so much already. You can find someone new, and when you do you will wonder how you ever allowed yourself to be treated this way.

dandylion

Nelly1...over the years, I learned that people resent it when they have suffered a loss and others say things to try to make them feel better.
Weird as it sounds..people "need" the pain.....as it is the very real thing that attaches them to the lost love object......
What seems to be more acceptable is to acknowledge that the person is hurting and validate their feelings...no matter what the feelings are (without judgement).....
The pain is the same, by the way, whether he was a prince or a scoundrel......

It is good to talk about your pain and all your thoughts, feelings, etc. about the lost person.....to those who understand (only)........
People need to be in their pain...to experience it....to "examine" it ....to really feel it....
It helps to have others honor and respect our pain (feeling state).....
Many cultures have certain rituals that do this very thing......

We keep our pain as long as we need to....and we step away from it when it has run it's purpose for us......
We stop hurting when we are ready.......

Nelly1

Thanks everyone so much for your input and kind words! It's so hard to find people who understand this mess...... while working yesterday I ran into one of our friends who suggested maybe I overreacted when throwing him out. He said he felt bad he was homeless and the dope around here is so bad and he's so worried.... what the hell? I'm sorry now I did something wrong? I was supposed to stay with my fiancé after three failed rehabs where we promised infront of counselors that if he relapsed again his mother and I were to cut ties and let him hit the bottom of the bottom. Then throw in the affair with the child he met in rehab and I'm supposed to keep him around because he has a disease and can't help it???? This is crazy already..... lol we can't do anything because they have a disease. I'm so sick of it. The only thing he got out of three rehabs is a new girlfriend lol it's laughable at this point

AnvilheadII

if the "friend" was THAT concerned, then the friend can take him in.
seriously, some people should just not speak......ever.

you ARE going to be ok, nelly. maybe not by 3pm today, but it will happen. strength resonates in your posts.

teatreeoil007

Nelly: I am so sorry you are going through this painful time. I agree with dandy: the pain is not to be denied at this time. You hurt. Of COURSE it hurts. OUCH!! But, you don't have to bear all this alone and this is a lot to bear right now. This is a lot of pain to deal with....it needs an outlet. I mean, the pain needs to run it's course and all and you have to deal with it; you can't just put a bandaid on it an call it good. Eventually that pain that's inside of you needs to be RELEASED; let go, exorcized out; whatever you want to call it. Yes, you will feel 'haunted' for awhile....but I have a positive outlook that you will heal, move on and when you do you won't feel so haunted.

Nelly: whenever I go through something hard to deal with it forces me to become intimately reaquainted with all the coping mechanisms I have built throughout my life: I find it helpful to give my mind a break from it as thinking about it 24/7 isn't good. Yes, allow yourself time to go through the various feelings....but also allow yourself to take breaks from it and distract yourself from this whole thing MENTALLY...in other words: Take your mind off it.

Go no contact. And if you are tempted to be in contact, just remember the TRUTH of what has been shown to you regarding *who/what*he*is*. He has shown you the facts. Don't disregard those. You need friends who are going to help you walk away from this; not friends who cause you to question his true character.

1. 3 failed rehabs.

2. Numerous sexual partners.

If he has been unfaithful as a fiance, what kind of husband would he make?

No, hell no.......you've got to find a way to put him behind you. We're here to remind you too....so if you find yourself doubting, check in, 'k?