Hechosedrugs

Years ago, a man came to CR for the first time. He gave his testimony about what he called codependency, saying it nearly destroyed him. He talked about how he just couldn’t say “no” when people needed him, especially in business matters. So he kept taking on more responsibilities, which resulted in wonderful success for all of his companies. Something irked me about his speech. It seemed dishonest, as if his real purpose for being there was to apply for a job. It must have worked, because he became a pastor shortly after.
He hasn’t been at CR for years, but yesterday he showed up to talk about how it was “broken” and needed new leadership. He also wants to change the day of meetings from Fridays to Mondays. I literally revolved my life around this program- it’s that important to me. I would have to change my school and child custody schedule, and I’m not the only one. Several others did the same. And there are folks who drive an hour here and back to make it to THIS particular program, even though there are CR’s in their areas. Don’t tell me this program isn’t working!
Just wanted to vent. I hate how one person can come in to a fully functioning organization and completely take control of it. Proof that charm is the most dangerous weapon there is.

AnvilheadII

i'm not versed in the "structure" of CR but there should be bylaws and "rules" in place that do not allow for any one person to have control. if his rant was during a meeting, the chair had the option to shut him down.

Ariesagain

Fight back. Just because someone rides in supposedly cloaked in God doesn't mean they get to up-end your group.

IMO, sincerely recovered and sincerely religious people are unassuming and humble. This guy sounds creepy...the humble-brag is often a tell.

Seren

Perhaps start your own group with those of you who preferred the Friday format?

Maudcat

Like other posters, I can't speak to how CR functions. In Al-Anon we have group consciences, a sort of convocation around an idea or problem, and we have business meetings, where stuff like you mentioned gets brought to the table. Don't panic and don't get mad. Use the group's structure to make your point. Doubtless other members are feeling the same way you are. Work together to get what is best for the group.

Hechosedrugs

Several people in leadership positions spoke out. There will be a leadership meeting and I'm going. Yes, socially awkward, lisping me is considering a leadership position! It's that important to me. Who knows? Maybe this is just what I need to be forced out of my shell.

Ariesagain

Sic 'em.

totfit

Wow............anyone see a parallel?

Ariesagain

Oh, yes...all those sacrifices...

Hechosedrugs

I'm not completely sure what you mean, but I'm assuming you're pointing out the irony of me seeking a leadership position whilst complaining that someone is trying to control the group. There are many in leadership positions in CR, and none of sought to control it.

Ariesagain

I think maybe he was referring to current events in the U.S., not your situation?

Sorry...we can be a little tunnel-visioned on this side of the pond!

Seren

Although in a rather ungenerous manner manner, I believe the whole 'revolving my life around' comment might be the point of totfit's comment. We, on this side of the coin, do tend to wrap our lives up into something or someone else.

I have never belonged to a formal codie recovery program, so I can't address how important they are. I do know some people for whom this kind of support is vital to their recovery and happiness.

I think you have every right to become involved in the administration of the group if you want your voice to be heard!

tomsteve

Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruits

Ann

I agree with the poster above who suggested that if this meeting is moved, you all start a new meeting at the time and place that works for you.

I'm also not familiar with CR, but most meetings vote on these things. That said, if the church where the meetings are held (usually for free or a nominal fee to cover cleanup) asks you to move to a different time and date, there isn't much you can do about it.

Hope this all works out for you.

Hugs

JimC60

Hechosedrugs,

".......He hasn’t been at CR for years, but yesterday he showed up to talk about how it was “broken” and needed new leadership. He also wants to change the day of meetings from Fridays to Mondays....."

I am a little shaky on the details concerning the fellow who has decided that your CR group is broken and needs new leadership......

I understand that he is now a pastor but I don't see how that is relevant unless he is now a pastor of the church where your CR group meets?

Assuming he has not been to CR in years, how does he know it is broken?

His wanting to change the meeting day sounds like a personal preference. Unless, he is a pastor at the church where you meet and there is some conflict with scheduling which he has not revealed.

I am also unfamiliar with the structure of CR. Nar-Anon would announce and convene a business meeting and vote on whatever topic was in question - the majority would rule.

My homegroup has no officers with any more or less power than anyone else. Our officers are really more like chair people for the purposes of conducting whatever minor business that we have. We have a treasurer, secretary, literature person, and business meeting chair. Typically our business meetings are very brief and concern donations (rent) to the church where we meet, donations to the Nar-Anon national organization, staffing at some events where we have been invited to exhibit, authorizing expenditures for literature or display items and the like.

When I first started attending this meeting, it was always a discussion format meeting. Last December we held a business meeting at which we changed the format and all agreed to try it for one year. We adopted a program which specified that week 1 of a month would be a speaker meeting, week 2 = discussion, week 3 = step meeting and week 4 & 5 = discussion. This seems to have worked out well with everyone liking our new format, but we will vote again this month whether to keep or discard our new format.

We have several members who have moved to our meeting from others, and there is a nearby meeting which was started by a group of 3 women who broke away from yet another meeting due to philosophical differences.

Assuming that this fellow is not the pastor of the church where you meet and therefore does not have any real control concerning your meeting space; I would politely suggest that he consider founding another CR group that meets on Monday - who knows perhaps some of your current members would change or maybe attend both!

I am very active in my church and there are people that honestly believe that I can and will make anything happen at our church that they desire. Occasionally, one of these folks will approach me and the conversation goes something like this: "I think we should (fill in worthy activity)."

Bear in mind that "we" should be read as "Jim"; no participation is required from the person speaking. Over the years I have learned that many of the parishioners are pretty fragile and do not take rejection well. But I have devised the perfect response to requests such as these - I do not say "no" and do not offend the person requesting.

"John / Jane, I think that is a wonderful missional opportunity for you! Why don't you spearhead that project / program!"

Keep coming back,

Jim

irisgardens

Ah, such wisdom and good experience/ideas shared.

Although do recovery work, am not a person who does groups--although on occasion have done it when there seemed as if there was nothing else I could do at the moment.

However, as a fugitive from a power career (thankfully, many years ago), have experienced the 'control' that many seem to need to exert-in one case-on a management team of very well known company, one person changed the whole meeting protocol to start 10 minutes after the hour and no one challenged-although it was for his convenience. Didn't bother me, so I didn't really complain, but others did and did nothing.

I am glad that the leadership team is meeting and that you are a part of that. Seems like all the above suggestions can be helpful if chosen, and as a business fugitive in making a choice to learn to live well and not to get lost in all the power and control games, over a long period of time, like knowing that there is a 'team' who will meet as this can be quite healthy for 'greater good' decisions.

@Jim-have written down your suggestion-it is a good one.

Hechosedrugs

He is the pastor at the church. I don't understand his exact position, but it seems he's been steadily moving up in rank. Our main pastor was just ousted due to substance abuse issues that were made public. I know this guy had a lot to do with that, and he posited it as being "for the good of the church", but I think it had a lot more to do with him wanting the position for himself.

It doesn't seem like the "leadership" holds much sway. Most of the leaders were ticked off at that last meeting and made it known. And a lot of them are giving up their positions because they're sick and tired of how things are run.

We'll see what happens at the leadership meeting tonight!

irisgardens

One of my very difficult and challenging learnings over time, is that as one option after another becomes unfeasible, it is best for me to find what is feasible for me-and in that, I then try to take the way suggested above of finding a new group even though it is often really hard to leave a place that has become so comfortable and been so good for a while, and seek the next best place...and to accept that this may be the best path for me now and that clinging to a path that is no longer either real or available does me absolutely no good, and can even cause me harm-by my own choices and refusal to let go.

Best to you.

Hechosedrugs

I agree that it's not worth exhausting myself over. But I'm pretty darn tired of handing every ounce of my power over to the whims of narcissists. I realize that what they say usually goes, but I won't be silent anymore.

AnvilheadII

ok, so CR has closer ties with the church in which it stands...rather than being a truly separate organization like AA or the like. do i have that right? so this "pastor" does than have inherent influence over the group.

best way to deal with this would be to NOT deal.....to simply rebuke the change and set up shop elsewhere or find another group. IMHO. even challenging his authority gives him power.

and YES to the previous poster, i TOTALLY get the parallels!!!