Sodevastated

Thanks Ariesagain. My mother should not say those things because she doesn't make anything better. She just makes me feel even worse. She can be really harsh and somehow in her mind she thinks I will become a better person or behave more wise if she tells me off properly. I am wise enough to leave the room when she gets started because she does not listen when I try to defend myself. I hope the baby will make her calm down and become more gentle, if it's even possible.

Sodevastated

Thank you Dandylion. I will talk to a doctor, without my mother being there interfering. I will need lots and lots of help since I am not feeling to well and also with my parents behaving the way they do, especially my mom acting out as my conscience, as if I had none myself. Hugs

dandylion

Yes, sodevastated.....lots of times, there are special services and programs available, but people just don't know about them.....or, others may not know that you need them....
You may be eligible for special counseling services and various financial services, or child care help, due to your circumstances......
LOL...you don't ever lose anything by asking......

Sodevastated

Thanks again Dandylion, as you put it - it's hard to ask for something if you don't know it exists. Now I know I can ask for more assistance if needed 💗💚

Ariesagain

How are feeling today?

Sodevastated

Dear, Ariesagain, thank you for asking. I am bit low actually back to blaming myself for being in this situation. I guess my mom did a really good job by yelling and blaming me 😢. How about you Aries? How are you feeling?

Hugs

Ariesagain

I'm on day seven of the Ultimate Cold and can't taste anything, which kinda takes all the fun out of self-pity sugar binging... thanks for asking.

Sweetie, repeat three times after me, "NOT MY FAULT NOT MY FAULT NOT MY FAULT." You fell in love and sometimes our hearts lead us down bad paths we don't see coming. You didn't even have a chance to really figure out what was happening, since you were living in different places and didn't know each other that long,, right? Nobody wakes up one fine morning and says "hey, think I'll find me an addict and run my life into a wall today."

Stuff happens. If your Mom still believes that people can control the outcome of their entire life's choices then she's just been really fortunate...so far. I get it...my father is the same way. He is now 90 and when his life finally hit the fan this past year, he really couldn't cope because it hadn't happened before in his adult life. He has almost no resilience as a result.

You will be stronger for this and it will serve you and Aaron well.

Sodevastated

Sorry you're sick. Hope you'll get better soon🤕. Try to drink lots of fluids and rest.

I had no clue about what was going on with my AH, and no I wasn't looking for an addict but I found one. You really are clear-headed and you see the the world for what it is, and I appreciate that. My mom and your dad seem to have a lot in common. What she doesn't realise is that she made me become the codependent person I am today by bringing me up the way she did. I hope that I will become stronger and I don't think I will let a man come close to me, not even if he passes a lie detector test or the worst police interrogation you can imagine.

Hechosedrugs

I'm sorry you're going through this. My mom makes similar comments all the time. It's really unfair- my STBX was nothing like this when I married him, and if I'd known what I know now... well, I wouldn't change a thing, because I have my wonderful boys But, yeah. Nobody knows what the future holds.

My mom also likes to harp on about how she shouldn't have to support me in any way, because her sister struggled because of her divorce, so why shouldn't I? My dad, thankfully, disagrees, and has kept us afloat while I go for my nursing degree. But it really irks me when my mom acts like I made the wrong decision by being a stay at home mom, when she did the exact same thing! If my dad had gone wacko on her like my ex did, she would have been put in the same position. She just got lucky.

And I know what you mean about being scared to date again. I'm terrified! I think I'm going to demand a drug test and run a background check on my next potential mate. Sorry, not sorry! Nobody thinks twice about people doing that for babysitters, and if someone wants a relationship with me, he'll be spending a lot of time with my kids. He's going to have to pass the screening of a lifetime.

Love to you.

hope778

Sodevastated - Just want you to know I can oh so relate to parental issues! At the end of the day, they're "outsiders" who don't sincerely get it, because they have not walked our path of loving an addict (lucky for them). Even the well meaning parents just can't fully get it, and they tend to push and push and push while we are trying our absolute best to navigate the life we were given. Hugs and strength to you. None of this was your fault, Sodevestated. My husbands addiction was not my fault. It was not my fault for not stepping in and stopping it because I couldn't have anyway. It is not my fault he ruined his credit, ran up his debt, got in trouble with the law, and can't find a job because of it. None of that is my fault, I just happen to be married to him. Others expect me to answer for him or simply blame me entirely since he's not there to blame, but no matter what anyone says to me, none of it is my fault. The same goes for you.

teatreeoil007

I am so very sorry your mother talked to you like that! Good grief, talk about kicking someone when they are already down....enough already, right? You've gotten some real good advice here. Your mother has no clue what's she's blabbing about. Many addicts hide their addiction quite well.....it's not like you set out to fall in love with and marry an addict! Well, just know that you have all of us in your corner and we don't judge you one little bit. Big hug to you and your little one inside...

Seren

Oh, my....I'm sorry your Mom decided to go all 'old school' on you. I can assure you, that was uncalled for!

I am glad you will be supported by your folks once the baby comes, but I'm sure you will be happy to work something out so that you can have your own space again ASAP.

Rest, eat well, take good care of yourself and your precious boy to be

PhoenixJ

You are still there. I am still where I am. We all are still here offering support. Prayers.

Sodevastated

Hechosedrugs- of course we wouldn't choose something that is bad for us, and our children. But our mothers don't seem to understand that. I would not have married my AH if I had known he was into full blown addiction, and I would certainly not have become pregnant knowing he used drugs.

what to do about our mothers? They don't think the way we do, and they cannot understand where we're coming from. I don't even expect my mother to understand cuz she simply never will. We are too different with a total different life experience. She is very conservative, while I on the other hand am very liberal and open minded. I've realised that there's no use in trying to discuss or explain some things to her because she won't be able to digest it. I understand her old fashioned way of thinking but she just cannot understand that I am not her, with a total different point of view on things. Them, moms always find someone whom they can compare us too- look at her, look at them and the standard question " Why can't you be normal like everyone else?". I understand that your mom is a pain in the b*tt just like mine. I've even gone into counselling because of her always criticising me, my way of living, thinking and my decision-making since my childhood- never being good enough. But that is nothing she would ever address since she thinks that the flaws lay within me. No wonder I am codependant and unsecure about myself. The counselling helped me to realise that she is the problem, not me and that has made it somewhat easier not taking in everything she says, but still she gets to me so I still have a lot to work on. I think you're doing great trying to finish your degree and you have your dad who supports you. Try to tell yourself you are good and that you are doing your best every day. Try to become independant and get a place of your own with time so you get spared of her nagging. It helped me a lot when I moved away from home. My mother is annoying just like yours and I try not to get into discussions with her, cuz there is just no use and I think you should do the same. Let her put her show on and just nod and say "okay, I see that is how you feel" and no more. Worked on my mother since she gets no resistence and then she may blab as much as she wants with and to herself.

You do get my point considering the dating issue = ). Really feel the same and can't even imagine dating anyone else.

Sorry for the long post = (.

Sending you some love back

Sodevastated

Oh thank you Hope! You really do understand the parental issue. I just wonder why they don't get that it is not the time to nag, critize, being harsh etc. when we are already having a difficult time- or as my mother puts it "I am just trying to teach you to make better decisions since the one you make always end up in disaster". Yeah, really helpful. LOL

Thank you for saying the words I have to hear over and over again - not my fault, I am not the one to blame. Not our fault and nothing we could do about it. Thanks for reminding me ❤💜

Sodevastated

Teetreeoil and Seren. You really understand my point of view and how my mother works. Thank you for being on my side! Sometimes I start questioning myself- maybe she is right about things and I am the one who's acting wrong and crazy? And then I too start critizing myself, as if it were not enough that she already is doing that.

Teetreoil- my AH was an expert in hiding his relapse and the distance between us made it even easier. My mother really doesn't know what she is talking about. It's really easy to be judgemental. Thank you for understanding and being there for me. I really am thankful to all of you on this board 💖You are helping me to get through this since pretty much no one IRL would ever understand.

Yes, Seren my plan is to get out of here ASAP to the apartment me and my AH bought as soon as I feel ready to take care of the baby on my own. It would be the best for my mental health. I'm trying to take care of myself. Thank you for your love and care 💟

Thanks for popping in and showing your love and care Phoenix. Sending you love back ❤

needingabreak

Sodevastated Im so sorry for all you are going through. You are a very strong and courageous woman and I am thankful there are some here who can help you and support you with their own survival stories. It is not fair for your mom to belittle you in your time of sorrow and need of support (not that it is ever ok). I am sorry she cannot be supportive and loving and I cannot imagine her not being thrilled at the arrival of a precious grandchild. Please know you are not to blame for any of your husband's choices nor are you to blame for your current situation. The saying "it seems darkest before the down" applies here. Little by little you will pull out of this. You will smile, you will laugh and you will find love again. For now, focus on that precious child you are carrying and try not to focus on too much because it is overwhelming. WE are here to listen, support and help you as best we can. You have found a very loving, caring and compassionate group here as you have witnessed. No judging. We all have our stories. Wishing you a beautiful birth and days ahead. I agree it would be a good idea to talk to your doctor. They have hear dit all so no worries about feeling embarrassed! Hugs

Sodevastated

I told you all about my codependancy due my mom's actions. It helped me to better understand myself and the way I was acting by reading a book on love and codependancy. It felt like the book was about me! I wept all along reading this book. I would strongly recommend it to those of you who haven't, and those of you who want to read it. The title is striking - "Women who love too much" , by Robin Norwood. And I think there is a follow-up called "Women who love too much: when you keep wishing and hoping he'll change" ( so describing me).

Hope you'll find them interesting and that they will give you some insight about yourself, as the books did that for me.

Sodevastated

Needingabreak, thank you for being understanding and you are right I have found the best people to support me through all of this on this board. Everyone here is so great with different experiences to share . I am so thankful I found this place 💜 Thank you also for telling me that there is hope and that I will have a future where I will feel better than I do now.It gives me something to hope for and keep on going. I need to hear that as I'm barely surviving and my life feels like a big, black hole. Thank you once again! Sending you hugs

olow

These ^^^