Divorce for drugs isn't final yet and low and below he is with someone else already
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 16
Divorce for drugs isn't final yet and low and below he is with someone else already
Some of ya'll may already be aware but I have finally decided to go through with divorce after years of dealing with a drug addict.
I finally made my decision to follow through after my husband of 5 almost 6 years in feb 2017 had been acting strangely, hanging around wrong people, not coming home, staying up all not, and enormous amounts of money missing with no excuse for any of it.
I confronted him Oct 18 with bank statements and drug test. He of course went around the world with excuses as to where the money was going and how he could prove it ( never proved) and denied taking the test due to he says he shouldn't have to and I should just " trust him".
Given the fact that trust was something broken a long time ago and I guess never really was built back, that was an insane request.
I asked him to leave and stated I was filing and I wasn't changing my mind.
He went through a wave of emotions, being angry at me calling me crazy, to sobbing and begging me to stay, to randomly making comments like " is there someone else?" which was absolutely unfounded and insane, the purpose for the divorce was based on the fact that he is clearly using again and more then I probably will ever know.
Oct 24-28 I had to go out of town for a training and that is when the calls came that went through the wave of emotions. The biggest change was the day I headed back home. I had stayed consistent with him telling him I am filing and I am not changing my mind. He had the nerve to ask me if we could start seeing other people at that point? I didn't understand what his deal was saying that, having already asked me if there was someone else which again I was dumbfounded.
I came home to all his stuff gone (per my request) and a shrine of photos of us together and cards given to one another over the years spread meticulously across the bed, as well as , wedding photos off the wall gone....
I presented him with the papers November 9th or 10th.
minor changes were asked to made and we met and signed on November 16th.
The lawyer and paralegal thought I was so lucky to get papers signed so quick asking what I was. Mind you there is a 60 day grace period before it is final.
Saturday , Nov 19th I wake up to discover that there were photos of him and another female on facebook that friends and family had seen and snapshotted to me and of course when I go to look are taken down.
Long story short the pictures depicted they were together for sometime and her husband*not ex* tried to reach out to me to convey to me she was meth/heroin addict, schizophrenic and bipolar. Of course I don't know him or her from Adam, All I know is I was shocked to say the least . I never in a million years thought this was to come. Sure I thought drugs may reenter in my life with him and I would have to make the difficult decision to tear our family apart with a divorce but never did I imagine this.
Here we are just 2 and 1/2 weeks later and the man I thought I knew is an absolute stranger, confessing his love for this girl, assisting her with rehab, looking for a place to live with her, etc. Mind you he isn't currently nor has he tried ever to follow up with rehab for himself this time around.
I'm terrified for my child and the scenarios that are to come. I know my papers specify my right to withhold visitation if drugs are suspected, he fails, or neglects to go to a drug screening, however, If he marries her my daughter will potentially be around her at one point or another. Or not if I have anything to do with it. His family is completely against the thought of them together and supports me in saying that my daughter will not be subject to her presence. But I am still terrified of a life unknown ahead. I want to rely on faith so bad. I hate that I am so weak that I don't allow the faith to prevail as it should.
We go tomorrow to sign an addendum, divorce will be final Jan 14th.
I could eventually sue for full custody, but I would need proof of them and drugs, beyond what I have now and going to court cost money that I do not have.
I just need some advice, support, unbiased opinions.
Please and thank you.
I finally made my decision to follow through after my husband of 5 almost 6 years in feb 2017 had been acting strangely, hanging around wrong people, not coming home, staying up all not, and enormous amounts of money missing with no excuse for any of it.
I confronted him Oct 18 with bank statements and drug test. He of course went around the world with excuses as to where the money was going and how he could prove it ( never proved) and denied taking the test due to he says he shouldn't have to and I should just " trust him".
Given the fact that trust was something broken a long time ago and I guess never really was built back, that was an insane request.
I asked him to leave and stated I was filing and I wasn't changing my mind.
He went through a wave of emotions, being angry at me calling me crazy, to sobbing and begging me to stay, to randomly making comments like " is there someone else?" which was absolutely unfounded and insane, the purpose for the divorce was based on the fact that he is clearly using again and more then I probably will ever know.
Oct 24-28 I had to go out of town for a training and that is when the calls came that went through the wave of emotions. The biggest change was the day I headed back home. I had stayed consistent with him telling him I am filing and I am not changing my mind. He had the nerve to ask me if we could start seeing other people at that point? I didn't understand what his deal was saying that, having already asked me if there was someone else which again I was dumbfounded.
I came home to all his stuff gone (per my request) and a shrine of photos of us together and cards given to one another over the years spread meticulously across the bed, as well as , wedding photos off the wall gone....
I presented him with the papers November 9th or 10th.
minor changes were asked to made and we met and signed on November 16th.
The lawyer and paralegal thought I was so lucky to get papers signed so quick asking what I was. Mind you there is a 60 day grace period before it is final.
Saturday , Nov 19th I wake up to discover that there were photos of him and another female on facebook that friends and family had seen and snapshotted to me and of course when I go to look are taken down.
Long story short the pictures depicted they were together for sometime and her husband*not ex* tried to reach out to me to convey to me she was meth/heroin addict, schizophrenic and bipolar. Of course I don't know him or her from Adam, All I know is I was shocked to say the least . I never in a million years thought this was to come. Sure I thought drugs may reenter in my life with him and I would have to make the difficult decision to tear our family apart with a divorce but never did I imagine this.
Here we are just 2 and 1/2 weeks later and the man I thought I knew is an absolute stranger, confessing his love for this girl, assisting her with rehab, looking for a place to live with her, etc. Mind you he isn't currently nor has he tried ever to follow up with rehab for himself this time around.
I'm terrified for my child and the scenarios that are to come. I know my papers specify my right to withhold visitation if drugs are suspected, he fails, or neglects to go to a drug screening, however, If he marries her my daughter will potentially be around her at one point or another. Or not if I have anything to do with it. His family is completely against the thought of them together and supports me in saying that my daughter will not be subject to her presence. But I am still terrified of a life unknown ahead. I want to rely on faith so bad. I hate that I am so weak that I don't allow the faith to prevail as it should.
We go tomorrow to sign an addendum, divorce will be final Jan 14th.
I could eventually sue for full custody, but I would need proof of them and drugs, beyond what I have now and going to court cost money that I do not have.
I just need some advice, support, unbiased opinions.
Please and thank you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi M
No matter what the circumstances the first new woman on the scene is always a shock. It's so final, and it removes the butterflies and fairies scenarios we have of staying 'friends'. But it's also a good thing to help you move on quicker than you would otherwise have done.
As for him being so quick; he obviously needs something that you will no longer provide, and I can see that a struggling addict would perfectly fit the bill. He looks after her, she looks after him, drugs come and go. You, being healthy, can't live like that.
So concentrate on keeping your daughter safe. Maybe time supervised by his family might reassure you? I agree that her possibly being the care of a drug addict, if your XAH isn't there, is out of the question. The woman isn't necessarily evil but she wouldn't be operating at full alertness. You may need your in-law family for that.
No matter what the circumstances the first new woman on the scene is always a shock. It's so final, and it removes the butterflies and fairies scenarios we have of staying 'friends'. But it's also a good thing to help you move on quicker than you would otherwise have done.
As for him being so quick; he obviously needs something that you will no longer provide, and I can see that a struggling addict would perfectly fit the bill. He looks after her, she looks after him, drugs come and go. You, being healthy, can't live like that.
So concentrate on keeping your daughter safe. Maybe time supervised by his family might reassure you? I agree that her possibly being the care of a drug addict, if your XAH isn't there, is out of the question. The woman isn't necessarily evil but she wouldn't be operating at full alertness. You may need your in-law family for that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Oh, this sounds so much like what I'm going through!
They really are cut from the same cloth. My ex also refused to take a drug test because I should "trust him". Then he finally agreed a week later, but of course it turned out to be a "false positive". And he begged me stay with him, and did all kinds of romantic gestures... only to shack up with a new girl about a month later. And then I find out that he'd (most likely, almost definitely) been having an affair with the mail lady. Ugh!
Yes, that's what we get for our year of putting up with their crap. But it's okay. The karma bus will come rolling along soon enough. I'm sure of it. I just no longer wait for it anymore. I think it's kinda like a watched clock...
About the custody situation-
I find it all so confusing. I keep documenting everything, but I really don't see a judge ever taking the time to read my diary. It seems they just want you out of their courtroom as soon as possible, and if you don't have hard evidence that the children are in danger, they just don't give a you-know-what. But I keep doing it. And I'm hoping, praying that first and foremost, my kids are safe, and second, that all will be revealed. I believe it will. But man, is it hard waiting this out.
So I'm right here with you. In chumpville. I can't believe how much that man screwed me over. But I'm rebuilding. And life is so good most of the time. I can tell when it's really, really, good, because that's when he sends me a text or something to throw me off balance. I think he has some sort of sensor that detects when I'm happy. But every day I get a little bit stronger, and notice that he's not hurting me as much as he used to be able to.
I know it sucks that he found a junkie, and that she gets to play house with your kids. Mine did, too, and it's a constant worry. But it's a blessing, too, I think. I like to hope that it doubles the chances of police being called to the residence. I'm giving my sheriff department a copy of my custody order and making it clear that if anything goes down involving my ex or his residence, that I need to be notified. You should do the same. We need all the evidence we can get.
Good luck.
They really are cut from the same cloth. My ex also refused to take a drug test because I should "trust him". Then he finally agreed a week later, but of course it turned out to be a "false positive". And he begged me stay with him, and did all kinds of romantic gestures... only to shack up with a new girl about a month later. And then I find out that he'd (most likely, almost definitely) been having an affair with the mail lady. Ugh!
Yes, that's what we get for our year of putting up with their crap. But it's okay. The karma bus will come rolling along soon enough. I'm sure of it. I just no longer wait for it anymore. I think it's kinda like a watched clock...
About the custody situation-
I find it all so confusing. I keep documenting everything, but I really don't see a judge ever taking the time to read my diary. It seems they just want you out of their courtroom as soon as possible, and if you don't have hard evidence that the children are in danger, they just don't give a you-know-what. But I keep doing it. And I'm hoping, praying that first and foremost, my kids are safe, and second, that all will be revealed. I believe it will. But man, is it hard waiting this out.
So I'm right here with you. In chumpville. I can't believe how much that man screwed me over. But I'm rebuilding. And life is so good most of the time. I can tell when it's really, really, good, because that's when he sends me a text or something to throw me off balance. I think he has some sort of sensor that detects when I'm happy. But every day I get a little bit stronger, and notice that he's not hurting me as much as he used to be able to.
I know it sucks that he found a junkie, and that she gets to play house with your kids. Mine did, too, and it's a constant worry. But it's a blessing, too, I think. I like to hope that it doubles the chances of police being called to the residence. I'm giving my sheriff department a copy of my custody order and making it clear that if anything goes down involving my ex or his residence, that I need to be notified. You should do the same. We need all the evidence we can get.
Good luck.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Divorce for drugs isn't final yet and low and below he is with someone else already
When someone's sense of propriety, decency, responsibility and reason are shunted off chemically and they're guided by the pleasure center of their brains, what you end up with is behavior like your STBXAH's.
Once the shock of this wears off, stop, take a breath, and allow yourself to know what you know about him, about addiction, about all of it. And while you may still feel awful about this news, chances are you won't be surprised, either.
What stinks is we're going into the holidays, and this can be a difficult time for a lot of people. Make sure, in the days and weeks to come, you set aside time for you. Do little things to take care of yourself. Find things that give you a little bit of joy. And keep going. That's all you can do.
That's all any of us in your situation can do.
Keep us posted, and be safe.
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