Second guessing myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 16
Second guessing myself
I did it. I filed for Divorce and we signed all within a month of me deciding to finally go through with it.
The gist of it :
I have complete physical and together we have joint
With specifications about random drug test can be requested and if he refuses or test negatively visitation can be withheld.
I know that I have done the right thing and all and all my daughter and I will be better off.
Today I had my first interaction with him since signing and it was in regards to him making a deposit in my account for part of the money he will owe on a monthly.
He was so confusing and I tried to clarify what he meant and he went off and hung up.
I called him back because from my end I was trying to help make sure he wasn't overpaying me because that it how it sounded when he was verbazing it and lord knows I don't need him giving me more just to argue that he did it and take it back.
I tried to explain I wasn't upset but was simply trying to help him.
His responses was he was sorry and it wasn't me that he was mad at but a lot going on. I said I get it we have a lot going on . He said you don't know what all is going on with me. I said you are right and that is basically how we ended up here. He followed up to say the guy that is at his work * the guy he hired that was known to have meth problems been to prsion and oh yeah my ex from high school*. I tried to ask him what he was talking about regarding him and he said that the guy is going to do something to him and to others. He was specific enough to know if he was talking physically or something with business. Basically my soon to be XH sounded paranoid, afraid, upset, ect.
That led me to feeling all that for my daughter. She doesn't go with him until the weekened after thanksgiving but hearing how he sounded and what he was referring to scared me enough to call our drug place and my lawyer to see what I could do.
The drug testing place has nothing available until after holiday and lawyer basically said I can't with hold my daughter unless he refuses to take test or test negative.
So basically I have to get my own test present to him and see what happends. BUT if he passes I still have to giver her to him even if I feel he is beign inappropriate and paranoid.
WHAT DO I DO??? I 'm second guessing wording in the divorce. But the lawyer said if I don't word it certain ways, he wont sign, then we would go to court and I would end up with way less money. Which I need due to we bought a home and I can't afford it without some help from him. Which ultimately sucks for him because by him giving me that money he has not significant income to support him living somewhere else besides his camper, therefore, visits are being held in his parents house at this time.
So I basically set him up for failure as well, but what could I do I needed the money. I didn't ask for more then what I needed to help with house and daycare. I still second guess myself.
BUT THEN I REMIND MYSELF. I'm here because he put us here. Lying, drug use, insane amounts of money gone. he did this and now I feel like the guilty party.
I just love my daughter so much and want her safe!!!!!!!
The gist of it :
I have complete physical and together we have joint
With specifications about random drug test can be requested and if he refuses or test negatively visitation can be withheld.
I know that I have done the right thing and all and all my daughter and I will be better off.
Today I had my first interaction with him since signing and it was in regards to him making a deposit in my account for part of the money he will owe on a monthly.
He was so confusing and I tried to clarify what he meant and he went off and hung up.
I called him back because from my end I was trying to help make sure he wasn't overpaying me because that it how it sounded when he was verbazing it and lord knows I don't need him giving me more just to argue that he did it and take it back.
I tried to explain I wasn't upset but was simply trying to help him.
His responses was he was sorry and it wasn't me that he was mad at but a lot going on. I said I get it we have a lot going on . He said you don't know what all is going on with me. I said you are right and that is basically how we ended up here. He followed up to say the guy that is at his work * the guy he hired that was known to have meth problems been to prsion and oh yeah my ex from high school*. I tried to ask him what he was talking about regarding him and he said that the guy is going to do something to him and to others. He was specific enough to know if he was talking physically or something with business. Basically my soon to be XH sounded paranoid, afraid, upset, ect.
That led me to feeling all that for my daughter. She doesn't go with him until the weekened after thanksgiving but hearing how he sounded and what he was referring to scared me enough to call our drug place and my lawyer to see what I could do.
The drug testing place has nothing available until after holiday and lawyer basically said I can't with hold my daughter unless he refuses to take test or test negative.
So basically I have to get my own test present to him and see what happends. BUT if he passes I still have to giver her to him even if I feel he is beign inappropriate and paranoid.
WHAT DO I DO??? I 'm second guessing wording in the divorce. But the lawyer said if I don't word it certain ways, he wont sign, then we would go to court and I would end up with way less money. Which I need due to we bought a home and I can't afford it without some help from him. Which ultimately sucks for him because by him giving me that money he has not significant income to support him living somewhere else besides his camper, therefore, visits are being held in his parents house at this time.
So I basically set him up for failure as well, but what could I do I needed the money. I didn't ask for more then what I needed to help with house and daycare. I still second guess myself.
BUT THEN I REMIND MYSELF. I'm here because he put us here. Lying, drug use, insane amounts of money gone. he did this and now I feel like the guilty party.
I just love my daughter so much and want her safe!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm going through something similar- I have a drug testing provision, but I'm waiting until our settlement is finalized before I utilize it, because I'm afraid if I make him angry he'll renege on everything. Right now he's offering the house and a decent settlement. But I've been having to hound my lawyer to get it signed as soon as possible so I can finally test him. And even then, I kind of doubt he'll fail it. I've heard him tell others how to pass, and he's mentioned buying those prosthetic penises filled with urine.
It's a tough decision to make. Many will say you need to forget about the agreement and focus on your children's safety first and foremost. And of course, they're right. But life isn't always black and white. My personal decision was to try my best to make sure the kids and I are set up for a decent life without him, and THEN go about testing him. It's terrible, though. I worry about them all the time. But like I said, I just don't feel the test will reveal much, anyway.
Wishing you peace of mind. It's awful sharing visitation with a drug addict, and I hope you and I won't have to much longer.
It's a tough decision to make. Many will say you need to forget about the agreement and focus on your children's safety first and foremost. And of course, they're right. But life isn't always black and white. My personal decision was to try my best to make sure the kids and I are set up for a decent life without him, and THEN go about testing him. It's terrible, though. I worry about them all the time. But like I said, I just don't feel the test will reveal much, anyway.
Wishing you peace of mind. It's awful sharing visitation with a drug addict, and I hope you and I won't have to much longer.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 26
You're definitely doing the right thing by including drug tests and he definitely doesn't sound sober in that conversation.
Perhaps leave the conversations to channel through lawyers so they too can witness his behaviors. Also, a friend of mine has included supervised only visits in addition to random drug screens because her husband doesnt stay clean. Good luck!!! Stay strong.
Perhaps leave the conversations to channel through lawyers so they too can witness his behaviors. Also, a friend of mine has included supervised only visits in addition to random drug screens because her husband doesnt stay clean. Good luck!!! Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have found that keeping a list with why you left (being truly honest with yourself..give him no slack) and when you start to doubt yourself sometimes it can help to see on paper all the reasons you decided to leave. That list has kept me sane more times then I can count.
I would stay in touch with the lawyer and maybe have a plan made with the place, your lawyer, and yourself and make sure you know every single right and what you can do in every single scenario that could happen- this way if something happens you can look at that sheet and know where to start and who to call and how to handle the situation. I need everything written out otherwise I end up thinking about a million things.
I am sorry that you have to allow your child to go to a situation you are not comfortable, It is ridiculous that they can say "oh we don't have something open until blah blah date". I am so sorry that you have to deal with this, it is a horrible feeling to feel helpless and worry about your child.
I would stay in touch with the lawyer and maybe have a plan made with the place, your lawyer, and yourself and make sure you know every single right and what you can do in every single scenario that could happen- this way if something happens you can look at that sheet and know where to start and who to call and how to handle the situation. I need everything written out otherwise I end up thinking about a million things.
I am sorry that you have to allow your child to go to a situation you are not comfortable, It is ridiculous that they can say "oh we don't have something open until blah blah date". I am so sorry that you have to deal with this, it is a horrible feeling to feel helpless and worry about your child.
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