Bailed out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Auburn
Posts: 40
Bailed out
So, he has been bailed out of jail.
He was locked out of his apartment, had to use the rest of his paycheck to get out of jail, so he's been broke and living out of his back pack the last week and would appear he and this girl have broken up.
So where do I stand on all this ?
He keeps telling me that this situation has really scared him, which to a degree I believe as he actually cried in intake. He has been in jail countless times and never cried to me on the phone before. He said that being a father and going to jail is much different and this has really given him some clarity on what he needs to do. Which there is not much talk from him about him and I getting back together really, just that he wants to move closer to me and our daughter and get out of where he is and start over. He does say that the end goal is to be a family. But what even is that? He doesn't really seem all that appealing to me to be a family, not now at least. It's been hard this weekend for me because he basically came clean about everything, and I put in a lot of effort to not lose my temper and just listen.
I want to believe so badly that this crazy relationship he was in, actually is over. That the drugs are truly done with. That he is actually going to move closer to me and our daughter and involve himself in her life a little more and we gradually work towards being a healthy family....
sounds so great doesn't it?
Don't believe I am that naïve at this point to hold my breath. Yes, I truly from the bottom of my heart hope that he pulls thru with everything. However, it just isn't practical for his emotional stability. We have also basically come to the conclusion that come his court date in April, there is probably no way he is getting out without doing time. So hopefully they only keep him for a few months and he can be out for our daughters birthday.
I love him with all my heart. But I think maybe I am just losing hope....
it sucks
He was locked out of his apartment, had to use the rest of his paycheck to get out of jail, so he's been broke and living out of his back pack the last week and would appear he and this girl have broken up.
So where do I stand on all this ?
He keeps telling me that this situation has really scared him, which to a degree I believe as he actually cried in intake. He has been in jail countless times and never cried to me on the phone before. He said that being a father and going to jail is much different and this has really given him some clarity on what he needs to do. Which there is not much talk from him about him and I getting back together really, just that he wants to move closer to me and our daughter and get out of where he is and start over. He does say that the end goal is to be a family. But what even is that? He doesn't really seem all that appealing to me to be a family, not now at least. It's been hard this weekend for me because he basically came clean about everything, and I put in a lot of effort to not lose my temper and just listen.
I want to believe so badly that this crazy relationship he was in, actually is over. That the drugs are truly done with. That he is actually going to move closer to me and our daughter and involve himself in her life a little more and we gradually work towards being a healthy family....
sounds so great doesn't it?
Don't believe I am that naïve at this point to hold my breath. Yes, I truly from the bottom of my heart hope that he pulls thru with everything. However, it just isn't practical for his emotional stability. We have also basically come to the conclusion that come his court date in April, there is probably no way he is getting out without doing time. So hopefully they only keep him for a few months and he can be out for our daughters birthday.
I love him with all my heart. But I think maybe I am just losing hope....
it sucks
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
It does suck, Littlemess. Big time. Stay strong and true to yourself and your daughter. As many on this site have said, actions are everything. If your ex gets himself together and can be supportive in some way, that is all to the good. Hoping that happens. Meantime, keep doing what you are doing to make a life that does not include an addict. Peace.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
His actions will tell you all you need to know. "Don't tell me, show me" was a line I used often with my son.
I really hope he is sincere and that this is his time to choose a better path...but like I said, his actions will tell you all you need to know.
Hugs
I really hope he is sincere and that this is his time to choose a better path...but like I said, his actions will tell you all you need to know.
Hugs
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Auburn
Posts: 40
Thanks for the hope you guys. I truly hope he commits to remaining sober and away from this girl and gets out of the life he made where he is.
It's so hard for me because I feel so betrayed and abandoned by him, but at the same time my heart is just too big to close him down. I truthfully don't even think I have it in me to shut him out. And that's okay. It just hurts because all the while he was with this girl using drugs and what have you, im here with our baby missing him...I love him. I try and keep my distance and I love him enough to let him find his own destiny. Sometimes it gets to me and I go stir crazy because of how patient I've been. But it's so hard to just turn someone away that is my family. I don't know whats going to happen next but I just need to stay in my lane. Even if im sick with heart ache.
It's so hard for me because I feel so betrayed and abandoned by him, but at the same time my heart is just too big to close him down. I truthfully don't even think I have it in me to shut him out. And that's okay. It just hurts because all the while he was with this girl using drugs and what have you, im here with our baby missing him...I love him. I try and keep my distance and I love him enough to let him find his own destiny. Sometimes it gets to me and I go stir crazy because of how patient I've been. But it's so hard to just turn someone away that is my family. I don't know whats going to happen next but I just need to stay in my lane. Even if im sick with heart ache.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
when our "family" willingly jumps head first into the alligator swamp, we are not OBLIGATED to jump in after them.
often we talk about dealbreakers here.....EVERY relationship should have limits, boundaries, clear identification of ACCEPTABLE and NOT ACCEPTABLE.
-when our spouse/partner LEAVES us for another person, that qualifies.
-when they stay IN trouble with the law continually, and have been to jail COUNTLESS times, that qualifies.
-when they walk out on their own children, that qualifies.
often we talk about dealbreakers here.....EVERY relationship should have limits, boundaries, clear identification of ACCEPTABLE and NOT ACCEPTABLE.
-when our spouse/partner LEAVES us for another person, that qualifies.
-when they stay IN trouble with the law continually, and have been to jail COUNTLESS times, that qualifies.
-when they walk out on their own children, that qualifies.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Auburn
Posts: 40
The problem is he didn't abandon our child completely or leave me for this girl or be in jail countless times while hes been a father. He sees our daughter consecutively, pays child support weekly, we live an hour apart so I have distance from him, but its not good for him. It's literally like he lived two separate lives. One hand, he would do what he needed to do to be a good father, but then he would go home and relapse and be with a girl who is trouble. In which, she and I do not get along what so ever. Understandably so. It's just really hard when the situation is so complex for me, and our bond runs so deep because we were literally best friends before I got pregnant. It's been a long 8 years with him in my life. Most were good years, but we are never on the same level. He falls in love with me, and I don't love him like that. Now im in love with him, and he doesn't love me like that. He still tries so hard to be a good father, and since he's been to jail our communication seems more genuine. I don't know if he's relapsing now or back with this girl or what. It's just the craziest most complex situation I have ever dealt with....
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Auburn
Posts: 40
It feels like he is riding the line so close to falling either into the best world with our family and being sober and having a good life
or he could fall the other way and really end up in a worse situation than jail.
He keeps telling me that I have to watch his actions now and just be patient. So I mean I guess that is really all I can do. Is have time go by and his actions show if he is actually serious or if I am just being played like a fiddle again.
or he could fall the other way and really end up in a worse situation than jail.
He keeps telling me that I have to watch his actions now and just be patient. So I mean I guess that is really all I can do. Is have time go by and his actions show if he is actually serious or if I am just being played like a fiddle again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He still tries so hard to be a good father, and since he's been to jail our communication seems more genuine. I don't know if he's relapsing now or back with this girl or what.
could you try to read that as if your daughter or your sister wrote it?????
could you try to read that as if your daughter or your sister wrote it?????
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Auburn
Posts: 40
I don't understand why the situation is hard to read, or why it's a bad thing that he had to end up in jail to be rocked enough to get his life in order..and us have better communication.
He's not about to come back to the family dynamic, and I am with him every time he's with our daughter. He never has her alone.
Now he is probably going to go back to jail in april at court. So there really isn't much more I can do. Im sick to my stomach with heart ache and worry over him, his sobriety, and this relationship being over.
I want my family back together more than anything, but I can see obviously now is not the time. And it doesn't seem even that's what he wants anyways. So im just sick to my stomach if he's still in contact with this girl, or using...things are not gonna be good. We both agreed that he needs to get better before coming home and actually living day to day with our child. It just makes me sick mean while.
He's not about to come back to the family dynamic, and I am with him every time he's with our daughter. He never has her alone.
Now he is probably going to go back to jail in april at court. So there really isn't much more I can do. Im sick to my stomach with heart ache and worry over him, his sobriety, and this relationship being over.
I want my family back together more than anything, but I can see obviously now is not the time. And it doesn't seem even that's what he wants anyways. So im just sick to my stomach if he's still in contact with this girl, or using...things are not gonna be good. We both agreed that he needs to get better before coming home and actually living day to day with our child. It just makes me sick mean while.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Forgive me if I' m wrong, but I believe you had said you don't have any sort of court order, right? Nothing that protects you as a parent? So when he does get out of jail, and you are spending quality family time together and he gets pulled over and searched and happens to be holding... there goes your kid.
Like I said, I'm sorry if I have your story wrong. I may have you mixed up with someone else. But if you don't have protection, you need it. You need something valid that says you are not involved in his drug use and are trying your best to keep your daughter safe.
Once you have that, and if he really does seem sincere about his recovery, then by all means give family life another shot.
Like I said, I'm sorry if I have your story wrong. I may have you mixed up with someone else. But if you don't have protection, you need it. You need something valid that says you are not involved in his drug use and are trying your best to keep your daughter safe.
Once you have that, and if he really does seem sincere about his recovery, then by all means give family life another shot.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Auburn
Posts: 40
no I don't have any kind of court documentation. But I check all his stuff when he's around. And truthfully, I came to this site to vent my feelings and maybe be given some peace of mind, like im not the one who is the crazy person and maybe other people have to also work on being able to stay in there own lanes like me, who get worried sick. Legal action isn't a need right now specifically.
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