Mmartin87

Ive decided on going through with divorce.. bottom line I can't keep doing this to myself. he is sick,he doesn't admit to his sickness,and I have a daughter to think about
Today was first time we had a public event to go to with friends that didn't know and I had to tell them before going just to cushion myself.Right before that occurred a neighbor came up to me and asked where my husband has been for that I was not prepared and just said we are parting ways. Did not know what to say or how to say it. His response was just I didn't mean to get personal
My biggest fear is others will judge me or think i did something and thats what I got from him. He may not have been at all but no more words were exchanged and it took a tole on me all day.

I just wanted to scream and say NOOOO My husband isn't the perfect man you all think him to be !!!!!

Maudcat

No one but you knows how it is in your life. People will judge because that's what they do. Surround yourself with people who have your back, and forget the others. Life will get better. Peace.

Hechosedrugs

It wouldn't matter if you did. People will believe what they want. I made the mistake of trying to set the record straight with some mutual friends. Their response? "There are two sides to every story." A nice way of saying, "I don't believe you."

But time will set the record straight. All I ever hear now about my ex is that he's hanging out with some really unsavory characters and doesn't look so good. I'm pretty sure at least a few family members who came out to bat for him during our custody dispute are feeling like real morons.

Anyway, what are you doing to prevent relapse (allowing this chaos back into your life? Do you have a plan for if/when he comes back around with promises and "proof" that this time's different?

dandylion

Mmartin...when you get more of your self esteem back and more self confidence, you won't be a slave to what others think......
After the "news" gets out...you will get used to it.....
Keep your focus on yourself and what you know to be true...

AnvilheadII

His response was just I didn't mean to get personal

he was probably thinking your reply would be something like - oh he's been doing missionary work in <<insert far off off land>> and will be back next week. but when he found out it was because the relationship was coming apart, he reeled back, not wanting to interfere upon your feelings and the sensitive nature of the subject.

that seems like a normal response. to me.

having been thru two divorces what i have experienced is that nobody really cares........for long. everyone is absorbed in their own sh!t.....and all our lives are just so full that what is happening to someone else just can't hold our attention for very long.

most people don't keep score......all that stuff is up in your own head. let it go. stand by your own convictions and decisions.

dandylion

^^^^^^^YES!!.....

We wouldn't worry so much about what others thought of us if we knew how seldom they do! (reportedly said by Dr. Phil's father)........

Sissyfuss

Martin, I always was obsessed with what other people thought but that was because I'm a codependent. Having studied the hows and whys of codependency I am now more concerned with self care and being emotionally healthy because that is all I am responsible for at this time. As a result of my new found knowledge I no longer enable the addicts and drunks in my life which definitely adds greatly to my sanity. Learn all you can about codependency and enabling and check out Alanon too. They can work miracles. Huge hugs.

Nata1980

+1

I got "I did not mean to get personal" line a few times. Most likely people just don't expect to hear what you tell them. "We have parted ways" is my line I use when someone inquires about XAH. Better than people thinking that I have chopped him into pieces and buried him at the backyard IMO (God knows, I was tempted many times )
Good luck!

zoso77

The decision to end a marriage is always a traumatic one, but it's especially traumatic when addiction is in the picture. So I'm very sorry that it's come to this, but I'm not sorry that you've made the decision you've made because long-term, it's what's best for you. Sometimes, the best thing for us is the thing we least want to do. That's just how it is.

In the hours, days, and weeks to come, you're going to be on an emotional rollercoaster from hell, one that's seemingly going Mach 2 and pulling 9 g's. It's going to suck, so you're going to have to do a lot of self care and self monitoring. We have women here who've been through what you're about to go though. My hope is they chime in and offer you their best wisdom.

As for this --

One of the best things I ever heard in a 12 Step meeting is, It's none of my business what others think of me. People are entitled to think and believe what they wish. If those thoughts and beliefs aren't based on facts, who cares what others think? Your job is to do what's best for you and your daughter, not what others think you should do.


Keep us posted.