Mmartin87

I'm new here but I need help with my conflicting thoughts

For years we have been struggling with my husband having issues with drugs. Only it wasn't until last year that we discovered he had an actual addiction to opiates. For years I think I have been naive and blind to things that were always there however I pushed it aside
Few red flags
Prior to us getting serious I knew Of him having 2-3 DUIs but I was young at the time and thought it's in his past and I didn't drink heavenly or do drugs so he called me his angel

We married 2011
July 2012 he had wreck in middle of the night and I found out by having a cop call me and wake me up to tell me he was in a wreck and on way to hospital. I didn't even know he had left the house. He was under influence of alcohol and drugs ( not sure what ).
My dad was in hospital this exact time for cancer so I think I was overwhelmed and not able to decifer what exactly was happening because dad too precedent. My dad passed that December
The following year I had given birth to our daughter in may of 2013
I gave him responsibility for the bills since I didn't want to have to keep up with it on my own and taking care of new born. Money got wierd for while. And I stressed all the time over us having so litttle. He always maintained he would take care of it. Mind you I'm very independent have always had job and made more then him so I sometimes resented him for spending. He didn't always get up for the day and would some times stay up all night or leave unexpectedly in the night. We had random people in and out of house and he would sneak away. This happened for some times but he always had and excuse
Fast forward to summer of 2014 and I had to confront him due to massive withdraws and overdrafts. He and his parents and I had a sit down and after much pleading he yelled out he had been gambling. This didn't hold up with me due to he doesn't even follow sports. But he maintained this was the issue and even went as far to say he owes a major debt and that we could be in danger if we knew anymore. His dad "the enable" agreed to give him money to pay off whoever the person was but my husband didn't allow his dad or anyone to go with him.
Fast forward a year 2015 and same thing. Mommney is going and in large increments. He withdrew what was not there causing overdrafts only his dads account was linked to the account and it automatically credited the money back. We again confronted him this time drugs were definitely the issue due to he was disappearing at night not coming home. Never sleeping and we found him high in cocaine saying he had to use one more time. He went to detox soon after attempting to withdraw from pain pills own his own ( he admitted to taking 10-12 a day and would use money on those and cocaine. Said he became addicted after wreck in 2012 )
He never admitted he was addict just that he got use to taking them. He agreed to go to outpatient rehab and competed a program however he wasn't ever fully Honest and after the completion of it he never went to anything again.
Fast forward to present day. I have sense got my own account and have tried to be supportive. But in recent months I have started to be suspicious he has had some of same friends come around that I have told him i do not want around due to past history or drugs , one of his friends is in rehab , he again is making large overdraft charges and withdraws , never sleeps. Never comes to bed, ,couldn't tell you last time we actually had meal together. He has been known to stay in garage all night and found in morning asleep in there in a chair. He refused to take a drug test recently and said that I just have trust issues. Says the money was for the business he owns with his dad and that is dad agreed to it only that when I told his dad few weeks ago he withdrew again from the account that is linked to his he denied knowing about it and was enraged when I told him that his son had opened up 1-2 credit cards which he claimed were for the business but that his dad denies knowing about or approving. My husband also in recent weeks had mysterious calls one night to a female who he has saved in his phone along with calls out to the friends I don't like in between. He said he was Asked by A Narc to help bust them and that is the reason for the calls. He also stated someone has been saying he is doing heroin.
That sums it up in the best rambling on kind of way
So am I crazy or is he a great liar ??
I'm only asking because I feel I have to follow through with divorce st this time Due to my daughter cannot be subjected to this anymore

Bird615

You are not crazy.

Welcome to SR, Mmartin. Keep reading and posting on here and you'll find support for what you're going through.

Hechosedrugs

Forget about the red flags you should have seen. I remember getting my hair dyed and telling the stylist my story. I immediately regretted it when she turned snotty and said, "Ummm... didn't you kind of see the red flags in the beginning?" The fact is, I'm not the only one who didn't. My AX is well-loved and instantly trusted by just about everyone he meets. And if she'd been the subject of his love-bombing, I doubt she'd have stood a chance. So don't beat yourself up about what you didn't see then. But you do see it now, and I imagine you see it very clearly until he's around to explain it away. Addicts are so good at that.

You ask if you're crazy or if he's just a good liar. Neither. You're not crazy, and he's not a good liar. Not by a long shot. But when someone tells us something that we desperately want to believe, it's hard not to fall for it.

I remember absolutely losing it on my ex. He was getting texts from someone I was sure was either his drug dealer or affair partner or both, and I demanded to see his phone. He refused and we got into a sort of tug of war. This went on for a long time until I started hitting his arm. I was screaming at him over and over again, saying, "Give me a reason!"- as if he hadn't already. As if the years of hell he'd put me and my children through weren't enough. I tell you this because I see myself in your post. You're asking for our opinions on if he's really using. But truthfully, haven't you been through enough? You're looking for your reason to leave, but if what he's put you through isn't a reason, then what would anyone's opinion matter? Really, does it matter if he's using or not? Is this how you want to live?

I'm very sorry you're going through this.

Wishing you peace and healing.

Sunshine1234

You are not crazy...being around an addict can make you feel crazy and it feels a lot like the twilight zone. Not until I got myself out of the situation was I able to see things MUCH more clearly. It truly is amazing how things can be so hard to see when they are right under your nose. Addicts are master manipulators and they will basically lie if their lips are moving. I believed my STBXAH for years but my gut always told me he was still using. He would swear up and down on our kids and his family and blah blah. I thought well he has to be telling the truth then if he says that. I literally picked up and left with my 2 kids in the middle of the night when he didn't come home because he was out on a binge. It was the second time he had done that and I was done. That was 6 months ago and I haven't looked back or regretted my decision AT ALL. I have found out lots more things and I can't believe the denial and codependency that I was living in. My best advice is to think real hard if this is the kind of life you want you and your child living in. It may be best to get yourselves out of the situation and away from him so you can think more clearly. The "no contact" rule is a great one because it spares you from his manipulation and allows you to just look at his actions. It's a little trickier when kids are involved but you can block him from your phone and leave discussions through email only and only about your child. I would also suggest supervised visits only until he can submit to a clean drug test (preferable hair follicle since urine is so easily tampered with these days). Stay strong...I know how it feels and it's beyond overwhelming but you will be ok and you will feel better once you can start putting all the puzzle pieces together.

Mmartin87

Thanks for the replies. I really do know in my gut something Is up. And the other day a friend of mine gave me good advise and said take the drug thing out of it all together and ask yourself how you feel about your relationship. I thought about it and it know the ongoing underlying factor will always be he is an addict but that aside I'm unhappy , lonely, anxious, angry, untrusting , and feel trapped. This can't be my life

Nata1980

You are not crazy. Follow your gut. I have been there - thought ohh its is just me with my PTSD from his prior relapses I need to be more trusting.

Nope, the gut was correct on that one. You are not crazy and he is not a good lier. This behavior is very typical of addict.

PuzzledHeart

Follow your gut.

Thank you hechosedrugs.

My own story. I like to think that I'm a pretty smart woman. I received a full scholarship to state university, went to graduate school, yadda yadda yadda. And I was _gobsmacked_ when a social worker told me there was a strong possibility that my sister was using drugs. But then everything made sense. Why she was dropping her daughters off with my parents with little notice. Why she would repeatedly show up hours late to anything. Why she was with a boyfriend who was very openly a chronic drug user. Why she would NOT take no for an answer. Why she was a compulsive liar. Why she would say stuff like "All I felt was peace and love instead of anxiety and fear" when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Why her friends were beginning to refer to her as "lost". Why she would lose her temper at the bat of an eyelash. And of course, her PREVIOUS drug use, which I witnessed years ago. I thought it was all over. But it wasn't. And I was just sticking my head up my ass until the truth ran over me like a Mack truck.

I felt so stupid for not picking up the signs.

I think sometimes we think that if the drugs went away everything would be fine. But the fact of the matter is, that my sister would still need to do a LOT of work to become a functional, thriving, independent adult. She needs to want to do that work. But she doesn't, so now my focus is on my own parents and her daughters. I like to think if my sister was sober and well, she would actually encourage me to make the same choice.

You are not crazy. Not by a long shot.

I wish you courage and grace.

Ann

You are far from crazy, he is so typical of an active addict he could be my son's twin. You can stop the madness though, for yourself, by putting some space and time between you.

With my son, once I gave up my front row seat and let the circus leave town without me, I could see clearly how much his addiction had affected me, and I began a recovery program for myself that helped me find my balance again and heal. CoDA and Al-anon were my groups, others find strength in Nar-anon or family groups. I think having our own outside support by people who truly understand can help us heal and move forward with confidence.

There is no place for addiction in a family home, especially when there are children. It is emotionally unstable, physically dangerous and legally one arrest away from perhaps losing everything...including your child.

You sound like a woman of courage. Please do what you need to do to take very good care of yourself and your child.

Hugs

Pillow

You are not crazy. Addicts are definitely the best liars/manipulators.