First step of my Codependent recovery
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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First step of my Codependent recovery
I am a codependent. I have been broken up with my opiate addicted ex boyfriend for over two months now. I have been seeing a counselor for 6 months (spurred by his addiction) and only now have I decided to admit the degree to which I was dysfunctional within my relationship. I didn't want to think I had something to recover from beyond heartbreak but I am a recovering Codependent and also fall in the category of ACA. Hard to swallow at first.
I went a good two weeks of no contact and to be honest, ever since then it has been random reasons to contact him, or allowing his parents to still talk to me when I knew it was hurting me. Hanging out places that he may show up. Asking for some items back from his house that were probably unimportant. All culminating into a reunion with my ex that was a toxic mistake. I realized that even after hearing heartbreaking things about him post-break up, I was still longing for him. I still wanted him to fix things and want me back. I could see he was doing anything but changing. He was doing much worse. More drinking and more drugs, so I fooled myself into thinking I was letting go. But still find a reason to respond to his texts or ask mutual friends about him. He broke me and I still allowed myself to continue to be hurt. I feel like such a fool looking back at it all and I feel like an insane person to still have some kind of feelings for him. I even admit that I romanticize things about our relationship when it was overwhelmingly one-sided and hurtful. As everyone here knows, lying becomes second nature to the addict and I know how much he toyed with me in his addiction and confusion. Even two months after we had been broken up he would still say confusing things that I would hold onto. He would say maybe with more time things could be better, and how he hopes I keep a place in my heart, but he would also say the things I should have been listening to. He tells me he uses drugs and alcohol to cope with his current depression. How he respects me and cares for me but can't say that he loves me. He says 'what is love anyway.' And then I run into him and he cries about his life and his problems, and I sit there and listen and feel sad for him...man that is dysfunctional.
From this day forward I will focus on me. I will not allow him to influence my behaviors and I will not seek comfort from him as I have done for so many years. I have sought comfort from a man who has nothing to give to himself let alone anyone else. And despite that, it felt like drowning to not have him to hold on to. CODEPENDENT.
Ugh. Just had to vent and share my admission with those who may understand.
One last question if someone can give me advice. Because I realize I have been disillusioned I don't trust my instincts on this. I have a mutual friend (the wife of one of my exes friends) whom I have known for the whole 6 years of my relationship with my bf. I actually stood in her wedding (but my ex stood for the groom). My question is, is it okay to keep this relationship as long as I avoid gatherings in which my ex is there? They are very respectful and understanding and have warned me in the past when he would be around so I know they will continue to do that as long as I ask but I don't want to unknowingly set myself up for further dysfunction by keeping that link. The wife (my friend) asks me to do a lot of things and its not her fault so I'd feel bad shutting her out. We may have met through him but have become close friends very separate from him. What are the boundaries?
I went a good two weeks of no contact and to be honest, ever since then it has been random reasons to contact him, or allowing his parents to still talk to me when I knew it was hurting me. Hanging out places that he may show up. Asking for some items back from his house that were probably unimportant. All culminating into a reunion with my ex that was a toxic mistake. I realized that even after hearing heartbreaking things about him post-break up, I was still longing for him. I still wanted him to fix things and want me back. I could see he was doing anything but changing. He was doing much worse. More drinking and more drugs, so I fooled myself into thinking I was letting go. But still find a reason to respond to his texts or ask mutual friends about him. He broke me and I still allowed myself to continue to be hurt. I feel like such a fool looking back at it all and I feel like an insane person to still have some kind of feelings for him. I even admit that I romanticize things about our relationship when it was overwhelmingly one-sided and hurtful. As everyone here knows, lying becomes second nature to the addict and I know how much he toyed with me in his addiction and confusion. Even two months after we had been broken up he would still say confusing things that I would hold onto. He would say maybe with more time things could be better, and how he hopes I keep a place in my heart, but he would also say the things I should have been listening to. He tells me he uses drugs and alcohol to cope with his current depression. How he respects me and cares for me but can't say that he loves me. He says 'what is love anyway.' And then I run into him and he cries about his life and his problems, and I sit there and listen and feel sad for him...man that is dysfunctional.
From this day forward I will focus on me. I will not allow him to influence my behaviors and I will not seek comfort from him as I have done for so many years. I have sought comfort from a man who has nothing to give to himself let alone anyone else. And despite that, it felt like drowning to not have him to hold on to. CODEPENDENT.
Ugh. Just had to vent and share my admission with those who may understand.
One last question if someone can give me advice. Because I realize I have been disillusioned I don't trust my instincts on this. I have a mutual friend (the wife of one of my exes friends) whom I have known for the whole 6 years of my relationship with my bf. I actually stood in her wedding (but my ex stood for the groom). My question is, is it okay to keep this relationship as long as I avoid gatherings in which my ex is there? They are very respectful and understanding and have warned me in the past when he would be around so I know they will continue to do that as long as I ask but I don't want to unknowingly set myself up for further dysfunction by keeping that link. The wife (my friend) asks me to do a lot of things and its not her fault so I'd feel bad shutting her out. We may have met through him but have become close friends very separate from him. What are the boundaries?
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Have you started going to meetings? I suggest you do. Go get yourself that first day chip! Make a commitment to yourself. And then get your 30,60, 90 month chips and keep going.
I just got my 6 month chip. It marks the day I kicked my AXH out for good. No going back. And I'm never giving up on this new me. I WILL NOT take a backseat to addiction again. I suggest you don't, either!
I just got my 6 month chip. It marks the day I kicked my AXH out for good. No going back. And I'm never giving up on this new me. I WILL NOT take a backseat to addiction again. I suggest you don't, either!
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Great post - thank you
Hi, thank you for the post. Its well written and I am glad you realize that continuing being in touch with him is unhealthy and harmful to you. Give yoursefl time to process all the pain. Its great you have therapist.
I have to say that this podcast and therapist saved me (literally). Every time I thought of him, i listened this podcast - it gave me strenght not to contact him. I am now nearly 3 months of abosolutely NO cotnact
. if you are interested, the podcast is here - you need to choose what interests you: https://www.youtube.com/results?sear...+relationships
It helped me as they discuss healthy realationship which i have really never experienced with my divorced parents and i had my "normal" set up on different levels...i guess its part of my problem with selection of an addict.
I hope it helps and stay strong, it will get better!
I have to say that this podcast and therapist saved me (literally). Every time I thought of him, i listened this podcast - it gave me strenght not to contact him. I am now nearly 3 months of abosolutely NO cotnact
. if you are interested, the podcast is here - you need to choose what interests you: https://www.youtube.com/results?sear...+relationshipsIt helped me as they discuss healthy realationship which i have really never experienced with my divorced parents and i had my "normal" set up on different levels...i guess its part of my problem with selection of an addict.
I hope it helps and stay strong, it will get better!
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