Littlemess25

I have a 1 year old daughter, and her father is a good dad.

He pays weekly for her, visits every single weekend, and we have absolutely no court involved at all.

He is an addict.

Since our daughter has been born he has been battling his addiction more than he has in years. I moved an hour away about 8 months ago, and since I moved his addiction has transcended to nearly almost no return.

It started with a few pills a week, he said he has it under control and he'd stop. Well of course, that developed into more pills, and more use, and more use, and now he is basically almost back to where he started when he had to stop before. Needles.

Just recently, he decided that he needs more help so he has decided to go to meetings. Which is GREAT. However, that is all he is doing.
Not only is he remaining at the same apartment, where he can open his door and get drugs, he is working the same job that his friend owns and operates and he gives him pills and has used drugs with him recently in the office, and now he decided that he is having his friend move in, who was using with him too.

I don't even know how to handle this anymore.
When he told me all this, I completely lost it. I became unwound on him. Staying in the same apartment...living with the friend...staying at the same job...and all he is doing is going to meetings??

I am so scared for his life. I do not want my daughter to not have a father because of this. She really does adore the ground he walks on.

I need advice on how to react to this now.
Should I apologize for losing my nerve on him?
Should I remain hard headed on my point only ?

It's so hard because he has the best of intentions, he really does. But the mixture is just going to end in disaster I feel.
I don't even know if I should just remain calm and be here for him...or not. ....

Please help! Is meetings ENOUGH to get sober if you have spun off this far, but are willing to get sober?

Littlemess25

Did not mean to post my story twice, was not aware it posted the first time.

Hechosedrugs

I think you know the answer to your question, which is why you came unwound on him in the first place.

There is no such thing as someone in active addiction being a good parent. A good parent puts their children first. Even if he is sober on his visits, his using at any time equates to choosing drugs over his daughter.

As for this:
"Please help! Is meetings ENOUGH to get sober if you have spun off this far, but are willing to get sober?"

Where do you get the impression that he's willing? His words? Because an addict's words are worthless. His actions speak otherwise.

Please be careful.

Chino

I'm not exactly sure when it happened but I started telling my daughter "you do what you need to do. You're intelligent and I know you'll figure it out." She soon quit feeding me a bunch of bull and got on with her life while I got on with mine.

Maudcat

Hi, Littlemess25. Welcome to Sober Recovery. As you already know, we can't control another's behavior. Your daughter's father is deep into his addiction and his actions indicate that he has no interest in recovery at this time. Not for you. Not for the child you have together. You must concentrate on your health and well-being so that you can be the parent she needs. Do you have family support? friends? I would recommend that you get to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings if you can. The groups can be a solid source of help and support. I know Al-Anon has online meetings, but I'm not sure about Nar-Anon. I am very sorry for your pain and sadness. Good luck. Peace.

Littlemess25

I am aware I cannot change him.

But im just not sure how I can react to him.

Should I still be a friend to him so he feels comfortable to come to me if he needs help?

Or is it time to shut him down??

I have laid to rest two friends in the last two years to overdoses. Sharing a child with him would destroy me completely if its his turn next, and I fear its close than he thinks.

So I want to be able to be there if he needs me, but at the same time keep our daughter safe and myself sane....

should I put my rage at him aside so he can still call me and I can support him from afar??

Chino

Rage is not something to be put aside, it's something to work through. The same goes for all emotions. I'm willing to to bet that while you're busy doing that and making your daughter your #1 priority, there won't be much time left to figure out how to support him. Besides, he has tons of support at his meetings, from people who have been there and done that.

Littlemess25

Ya I guess I did not see from the perspective. I harbor so much fueled rage towards him, especially at this point in our experience as parents.
It's so hard and frustrating and scary to be in this position I'm in and it's not fair I even have to think about it.
I take care of our daughter, but it's not like I have ever done this before...she is my first and only child.
I really wanted this experience to be special, and I wanted a family. This is ultimately destroying me. I just get nervous too that if he doesn't feel comfortable to turn to me, and he uses, it could be the last chance. Could I actually go on knowing he tried to reach out to me and I turned him away...I have been the only person ever in his entire life, including family, that has been steady and remained in is life.
But this is now interrupting my own happiness and life. Im constantly anxiety filled that he's going to relapse and die. I'm losing sleep, and acting crazy with him. I called him 23 times in a row last night. I feel its time to step down and no longer be his crutch though. This is so hard

Nata1980

This.

I completely understand wanting him to be sober so he can be there for your daughter, but there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

He has to take care of his own recovery, and you cannot prevent him from living however he chooses.

I would definitely keep the baby out of his apartment where he hangs out with drug users.

My XAH is currently sober, but staying far away from us - which is fine by me.

alterity

"There is no such thing as someone in active addiction being a good parent. A good parent puts their children first. Even if he is sober on his visits, his using at any time equates to choosing drugs over his daughter."

I disagree. My mother used drugs and was an excellent parent for the first 7.5 years of my life.