New and don't know if I belong here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 5
New and don't know if I belong here
Not sure what to think or do. Hope I'm in the right place.
My story:
Met an amazing man. He moved back to his hometown months ago; which is how we met. I live 20 mins away. Very attentive, communicated a lot, pushed to progress the relationship....he mentioned he had a past with coke and pills but just smokes weed. He left his hometown to get away from drugs. He moved back after his last relationship ended and wanted to be back with family. He said he didn't hang with his old friends much anymore but his roommate does coke. He settled with his job and we had a decent relationship. He borrowed money and then went MIA for a weekend. Said he was upset over something I said (I said something along the lines of I was feeling like I was putting more work in the relationship). He contacted me like nothing happened. Days later he ended it and said he just had too much. I met him at a bad time and he needs to work on him. He wanted to be friends and he isn't looking for anything with anyone. A week later, he blocks me off all social media and he's with someone else. I go no contact and drunk dialed him 3 months later. He didn't pick up.
2 weeks ago, he drunk dials me. I picked up and he is crying saying he missed me and he is so sorry for what he did to me. All it was, it was him being a terrible guy. I told him I forgive him but won't forget what he did. I told him that if he wants to be friends, I'm fine with it, if he doesn't lie and his actions match his words. We ended on a good note. Ran into him last Wednesday. We chatted and he invited me over. I went. We talked and he kept telling me that he missed me, still cares for me and wants to start talking again...but go slow; like we should have the first time. I said that I'm open to friends but anything beyond that will take awhile. He asked me if I was seeing anyone and I hesitated and said I met people but it wasn't anything yet. He asked me more questions related to dates and what not and it as weird...anyways we talk for a couple mins for the next two days and I told him that I want to talk to him about boundaries. Last Sunday we talked for awhile on the phone and he admits that he's an addict and relapsed recently. He admits that he started using at the end of the relationship. He is almost 30 and realizes he has nothing to show for it. He wants to change and has told 3 people that he's an addict. Said he wants to go to meetings, move out and see where things go with me. He said he hopes I don't judge him but doesn't expect me to understand as it has taken over his life in the past. In the last three days, he's been decent with communication and I'm trying to stop myself from being upset since we aren't anything. Today, I'm upset. He told me he would call and he didn't. He said he had plans with a friend. I now am thinking he's out there using. I called and no response....
My main thing is that I know I'm not his gf and barely a friend at this point. Why would he tell me this? Did he mean any of it? If he's on the road to recovery...what can I do to support him. I do love him. Not expecting to be with him. I want him to be happy. I have prayed for him since our relationship. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading
My story:
Met an amazing man. He moved back to his hometown months ago; which is how we met. I live 20 mins away. Very attentive, communicated a lot, pushed to progress the relationship....he mentioned he had a past with coke and pills but just smokes weed. He left his hometown to get away from drugs. He moved back after his last relationship ended and wanted to be back with family. He said he didn't hang with his old friends much anymore but his roommate does coke. He settled with his job and we had a decent relationship. He borrowed money and then went MIA for a weekend. Said he was upset over something I said (I said something along the lines of I was feeling like I was putting more work in the relationship). He contacted me like nothing happened. Days later he ended it and said he just had too much. I met him at a bad time and he needs to work on him. He wanted to be friends and he isn't looking for anything with anyone. A week later, he blocks me off all social media and he's with someone else. I go no contact and drunk dialed him 3 months later. He didn't pick up.
2 weeks ago, he drunk dials me. I picked up and he is crying saying he missed me and he is so sorry for what he did to me. All it was, it was him being a terrible guy. I told him I forgive him but won't forget what he did. I told him that if he wants to be friends, I'm fine with it, if he doesn't lie and his actions match his words. We ended on a good note. Ran into him last Wednesday. We chatted and he invited me over. I went. We talked and he kept telling me that he missed me, still cares for me and wants to start talking again...but go slow; like we should have the first time. I said that I'm open to friends but anything beyond that will take awhile. He asked me if I was seeing anyone and I hesitated and said I met people but it wasn't anything yet. He asked me more questions related to dates and what not and it as weird...anyways we talk for a couple mins for the next two days and I told him that I want to talk to him about boundaries. Last Sunday we talked for awhile on the phone and he admits that he's an addict and relapsed recently. He admits that he started using at the end of the relationship. He is almost 30 and realizes he has nothing to show for it. He wants to change and has told 3 people that he's an addict. Said he wants to go to meetings, move out and see where things go with me. He said he hopes I don't judge him but doesn't expect me to understand as it has taken over his life in the past. In the last three days, he's been decent with communication and I'm trying to stop myself from being upset since we aren't anything. Today, I'm upset. He told me he would call and he didn't. He said he had plans with a friend. I now am thinking he's out there using. I called and no response....
My main thing is that I know I'm not his gf and barely a friend at this point. Why would he tell me this? Did he mean any of it? If he's on the road to recovery...what can I do to support him. I do love him. Not expecting to be with him. I want him to be happy. I have prayed for him since our relationship. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading
Sober date 5/1/13
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Staffordshire UK
Posts: 3,547
Hi Lbg322,
Welcome to SR, yes you are in the right place.
As others will say what he says can change with the wind, it's actions you should pay attention to. Keep your distance protect yourself.
Welcome to SR, yes you are in the right place.
As others will say what he says can change with the wind, it's actions you should pay attention to. Keep your distance protect yourself.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
....he mentioned he had a past with coke and pills but just smokes weed. He left his hometown to get away from drugs. He moved back after his last relationship ended and wanted to be back with family. He said he didn't hang with his old friends much anymore but his roommate does coke. He settled with his job and we had a decent relationship. He borrowed money and then went MIA for a weekend. Said he was upset over something I said
He told you he does drugs (weed is a drug and if you think it's not, go to the Marijuana forum here and take a read), lives with a coke addict, borrows money and goes on a drug spree for a weekend...and then blames you for something you said.
I know this may not be what you want to hear, but if you were my daughter I would tell you to run for the hills before you get in any deeper. The guy is an addict...walks like an addict, talks like an addict...and there is nothing good for you in this relationship. Take a good read around and you will see what awaits you if you choose to stay.
It took courage to come here, and yes, you are in the right place, and it will take courage to do the right thing to take care of yourself. You aren't walking alone here, and I am glad you found this forum.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Lbg322. Welcome to Sober Recovery. This is a great site, full of wisdom. As Ann said, there are lots of red flags popping up in the situation you are describing. Sounded really promising, then devolved into what sounds like addict behavior. I would run like a scalded dog away from this man.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
My main thing is that I know I'm not his gf and barely a friend at this point. Why would he tell me this? Did he mean any of it? If he's on the road to recovery...what can I do to support him. I do love him. Not expecting to be with him.
There is a great big difference between saying you’re an addict and actually seeking treatment for it. It may be he wants sympathy, it may be he needs that excuse put out there on the table so that when his bad behavior towards you hits he can excuse it away with addiction.
At this very confusing time it’s best to detach from a situation that you have no control over and one that will no doubt cause you emotional scaring. Your love or friendship is not going to make or break his choice towards recovery. Your support is not going to be the flame that lights his fuse towards recovery.
One of the most loving acts you can do is cut him loose, tell him that you hope he seeks treatment and maybe one day after he’s had a lot of clean time the two of you could catch up over coffee.
And most important protect your own emotional well being!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Dear One:
As much as you care and as much as he seems to be crying out for help, you can only help an addict so much. Most of it is up to the addict to make better choices and draw strength somehow to get their self out the pit.
I really do believe that the people who can help addicts get on the road to recovery the most are people who can be objective and remain lovingly/helpfully detached. That is what professionals do best when they are effective. Ideally they have special training and skills to help an addict without actually enabling them. That takes very very good and healthy boundaries and sticking to those boundaries.
The whole detachment thing is really tricky when one is personally, romantically involved. I can only speak for myself, I guess, but when my personal feelings are involved I know I am not as objective.
Welcome, and you are found a good place here.
As much as you care and as much as he seems to be crying out for help, you can only help an addict so much. Most of it is up to the addict to make better choices and draw strength somehow to get their self out the pit.
I really do believe that the people who can help addicts get on the road to recovery the most are people who can be objective and remain lovingly/helpfully detached. That is what professionals do best when they are effective. Ideally they have special training and skills to help an addict without actually enabling them. That takes very very good and healthy boundaries and sticking to those boundaries.
The whole detachment thing is really tricky when one is personally, romantically involved. I can only speak for myself, I guess, but when my personal feelings are involved I know I am not as objective.
Welcome, and you are found a good place here.
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