Control
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Control
I'm still struggling with control issues. I guess I just got used to being the one who did everything for the kids, especially when it came to planning for holidays, birthday, etc.
I bought the kids pumpkins the other day and made plans to have their friends over for pumpkin carving. Then they went to their dad's for a visit and he texted me a picture of them standing next to jack-o-lanterns. My heart sank. It felt like he beat me to it, and I wondered if they'd even want to carve the ones I'd bought them.
Well, today we had our play date and it was FANTASTIC! The kids had so much fun, and I had so much fun talking with their mom, who I think is going to be a great new friend. We ended up doing most of the gut-scooping while the kids played, then they did the carving. Then we roasted pumpkin seeds and decorated sugar cookies. It was an all-around beautiful day of good old-fashioned family fun.
I felt silly for (once again!) comparing myself to my ex. And come to find out my ex didn't even carve pumpkins with them! He did BUY them pumpkins, but his buddies' kids were the ones who helped my boys carve them- while all the adults smoked cigarettes inside. Wow.
Anyway, this struck me for two reasons:
1) Every time I drive myself nuts over all the ways he's one-upping me, I find out he's still doing the bare minimum, still phoning it in. Hopefully this can finally sink in for me????! Because, yes, it's incredibly petty and immature- but also, it's completely unfounded.
2- That picture he texted me? It's probably on his Facebook page. And he probably got a bunch of props from "friends" saying what a doting dad he is. Just another example of Facebook not telling the real story. Don't believe what you see on there, folks!
Anyway, my life is moving along beautifully. I may still have these awful niggling thoughts , but nobody knows but me (and you all). I don't lay in bed at night while my husband tinkers away in the garage for hours "building" things (really destroy things- my goodness, the hours he would waste taking things apart only to not be able to put them back together). I don't have to look at him grumpy on the couch and puking because he has the "flu" (that rare variety that pops up once a week or so). I don't have to feel like I'm crazy for knowing what these things really mean.
And I know this is all temporary. More will be revealed. He will be revealed. And my kids will be with me where they are safe and cherished, not shoved aside for time with "friends".
Everything's going according to plan. It's not my plan, but that's okay!
I bought the kids pumpkins the other day and made plans to have their friends over for pumpkin carving. Then they went to their dad's for a visit and he texted me a picture of them standing next to jack-o-lanterns. My heart sank. It felt like he beat me to it, and I wondered if they'd even want to carve the ones I'd bought them.
Well, today we had our play date and it was FANTASTIC! The kids had so much fun, and I had so much fun talking with their mom, who I think is going to be a great new friend. We ended up doing most of the gut-scooping while the kids played, then they did the carving. Then we roasted pumpkin seeds and decorated sugar cookies. It was an all-around beautiful day of good old-fashioned family fun.
I felt silly for (once again!) comparing myself to my ex. And come to find out my ex didn't even carve pumpkins with them! He did BUY them pumpkins, but his buddies' kids were the ones who helped my boys carve them- while all the adults smoked cigarettes inside. Wow.
Anyway, this struck me for two reasons:
1) Every time I drive myself nuts over all the ways he's one-upping me, I find out he's still doing the bare minimum, still phoning it in. Hopefully this can finally sink in for me????! Because, yes, it's incredibly petty and immature- but also, it's completely unfounded.
2- That picture he texted me? It's probably on his Facebook page. And he probably got a bunch of props from "friends" saying what a doting dad he is. Just another example of Facebook not telling the real story. Don't believe what you see on there, folks!
Anyway, my life is moving along beautifully. I may still have these awful niggling thoughts , but nobody knows but me (and you all). I don't lay in bed at night while my husband tinkers away in the garage for hours "building" things (really destroy things- my goodness, the hours he would waste taking things apart only to not be able to put them back together). I don't have to look at him grumpy on the couch and puking because he has the "flu" (that rare variety that pops up once a week or so). I don't have to feel like I'm crazy for knowing what these things really mean.
And I know this is all temporary. More will be revealed. He will be revealed. And my kids will be with me where they are safe and cherished, not shoved aside for time with "friends".
Everything's going according to plan. It's not my plan, but that's okay!
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
And I know this is all temporary. More will be revealed. He will be revealed.
You better believe it! My son was 10 when his father and I divorced. And my x was a number... a one upper, buy him off, etc etc etc. It would turn my stomach when my son would come home and I would have to hear how golden dad was , when I knew the truth. The truth a 10 year old shouldn't have to know. People told me, "kids are smart" he'll see and figure out the truth. So I waited and waited and waited. And they were right... 15 years later, my son is an adult, and he HAS figured out what his father is really like, and has chosen not to have any contact. Its been a long road. Half me says I should have scooped my son and ran far from the ex, rather than trying to keep him in contact with my son as a minor. At the time, I thought, it's his dad, regardless of what he'd done to me, so I didn't. Still don't know if it was the right choice or not, but I can say, they reap what they sow, be patient, and just try to do what you know is best in your heart. It does get better. Kids KNOW. Even if you don't think so right now, even if it looks golden over there, its not, you know it.
You better believe it! My son was 10 when his father and I divorced. And my x was a number... a one upper, buy him off, etc etc etc. It would turn my stomach when my son would come home and I would have to hear how golden dad was , when I knew the truth. The truth a 10 year old shouldn't have to know. People told me, "kids are smart" he'll see and figure out the truth. So I waited and waited and waited. And they were right... 15 years later, my son is an adult, and he HAS figured out what his father is really like, and has chosen not to have any contact. Its been a long road. Half me says I should have scooped my son and ran far from the ex, rather than trying to keep him in contact with my son as a minor. At the time, I thought, it's his dad, regardless of what he'd done to me, so I didn't. Still don't know if it was the right choice or not, but I can say, they reap what they sow, be patient, and just try to do what you know is best in your heart. It does get better. Kids KNOW. Even if you don't think so right now, even if it looks golden over there, its not, you know it.
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