Everyone says to get out, never stay and offer rehab
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Denver Colorado.
Posts: 13
Everyone says to get out, never stay and offer rehab
Hi there,
I just joined yesterday. My story is what was a fresh and new and exciting relationship has been 20 months of progressively getting worse with my alcoholic slash consequental cocaine addict.
Yesterday I finally let my mother know all about my life. I kept it hidden all this time. I was going crazy. And my friends too. I have been so distant for the better part of a year cause I had nothing good to share. Cause the good times are great but as anyone who loves and lives with an alcoholic / drug abuser knows, the bad times are bad ( and to me more severe and more frequent than good times).
Two things, we are on that time of "no talking" after an argument because of his drinking. We do this for days on end frequently. And today is his birthday. Since I let the news out its really decision time in my life. Not sure if I try to talk to him today on his birthday and ruin his day. But I certainly can't be fake just to entertain him on his day. I'm beyond that now.
The other thing, which I feel sad about, is that everyone says to get out, and quickly. No one says to find a rehab program or a counselor or whatever there is to fix someone like this. I pretty much know if I offer this to him he will say "hell no". But it's on my mind. It's nice to have such support from family and friends, all putting my needs first, but as I cry to them , and say such things as he's great when sober and how much I love him...still no one says to work on it.
Why?
I just joined yesterday. My story is what was a fresh and new and exciting relationship has been 20 months of progressively getting worse with my alcoholic slash consequental cocaine addict.
Yesterday I finally let my mother know all about my life. I kept it hidden all this time. I was going crazy. And my friends too. I have been so distant for the better part of a year cause I had nothing good to share. Cause the good times are great but as anyone who loves and lives with an alcoholic / drug abuser knows, the bad times are bad ( and to me more severe and more frequent than good times).
Two things, we are on that time of "no talking" after an argument because of his drinking. We do this for days on end frequently. And today is his birthday. Since I let the news out its really decision time in my life. Not sure if I try to talk to him today on his birthday and ruin his day. But I certainly can't be fake just to entertain him on his day. I'm beyond that now.
The other thing, which I feel sad about, is that everyone says to get out, and quickly. No one says to find a rehab program or a counselor or whatever there is to fix someone like this. I pretty much know if I offer this to him he will say "hell no". But it's on my mind. It's nice to have such support from family and friends, all putting my needs first, but as I cry to them , and say such things as he's great when sober and how much I love him...still no one says to work on it.
Why?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Because as long as he's drinking and using, there's really nothing to work on. Even if he went to rehab today, stuck with it, worked a program, it would still be a long, hard road before he was able to work on anything but his own recovery.
I volunteer at a rehab as part of my Al Anon 12th step. I do outreach work with the friends and family members of the patients. There are a lot of "frequent fliers" whose family members come to the family sessions, desperate for help. Folks who have been through the cycle half a dozen times with a loved one, each time hanging all their hopes on that person staying sober. It's heartbreaking to see. It's even more heartbreaking to BE that loved one, putting all your hope into someone else changing so that YOU can be happy. I know, because I did it. Have you ever tried Al Anon meetings?
I volunteer at a rehab as part of my Al Anon 12th step. I do outreach work with the friends and family members of the patients. There are a lot of "frequent fliers" whose family members come to the family sessions, desperate for help. Folks who have been through the cycle half a dozen times with a loved one, each time hanging all their hopes on that person staying sober. It's heartbreaking to see. It's even more heartbreaking to BE that loved one, putting all your hope into someone else changing so that YOU can be happy. I know, because I did it. Have you ever tried Al Anon meetings?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
They say that because....You didn't cause it...you can't control it...and, you can't fix it....
He is the only one that can do that....
Couples counseling is a waste of time while alcohol and drugs are still in the picture....
If he wants sobriety...there is help...and he can get him himself.....
Your staying hasn't helped so far, has it...?
He is the only one that can do that....
Couples counseling is a waste of time while alcohol and drugs are still in the picture....
If he wants sobriety...there is help...and he can get him himself.....
Your staying hasn't helped so far, has it...?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Denver Colorado.
Posts: 13
Thank you for your reply. I have never been to any type of meeting. In fact I was so naive to this, I iust thought I was in a bad relationship with a jerk who knew nothing of how to treat a lady. After reading blogs and forums as of recently I see what it is.
I want him better, just to stop. Just to be healthy and nice. He use to be.
I am not going to stick around and go to meetings if he does nothing ...when he is the problem , not me. We are not married, no kids, but geez my heart and the last 20 months of my life have been vested in this love.
And I know my family and friends all wonder how in the world I got in this because I'm a well rounded healthy professional gal. I just want it to be better.
I want him better, just to stop. Just to be healthy and nice. He use to be.
I am not going to stick around and go to meetings if he does nothing ...when he is the problem , not me. We are not married, no kids, but geez my heart and the last 20 months of my life have been vested in this love.
And I know my family and friends all wonder how in the world I got in this because I'm a well rounded healthy professional gal. I just want it to be better.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I am not going to stick around and go to meetings if he does nothing ...when he is the problem , not me.
I understand the feeling. I didn't start attending meetings until after I left my ex. Yes he had a problem with drinking, but I was the one who stuck around and accepted dysfunctional unacceptable behavior. Why did I do that? When most women would have seen a couple of red flags and run the other way. But not me, I stayed thinking that there had to be something I could do to change him. The meetings are about focusing on my own issues and taking care of myself, not about how to be in a relationship with an alcoholic.
Even if meetings aren't for you, some individual counseling might be helpful. I think it's important to figure out how you got to this point. I needed help so I wouldn't keep repeating the same pattern of getting into relationships with "problem children" (whether they suffered from addiction or not).
I understand the feeling. I didn't start attending meetings until after I left my ex. Yes he had a problem with drinking, but I was the one who stuck around and accepted dysfunctional unacceptable behavior. Why did I do that? When most women would have seen a couple of red flags and run the other way. But not me, I stayed thinking that there had to be something I could do to change him. The meetings are about focusing on my own issues and taking care of myself, not about how to be in a relationship with an alcoholic.
Even if meetings aren't for you, some individual counseling might be helpful. I think it's important to figure out how you got to this point. I needed help so I wouldn't keep repeating the same pattern of getting into relationships with "problem children" (whether they suffered from addiction or not).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Snowing27, and welcome. I can almost feel your pain and sadness about your relationship. I am sorry, and sending you good thoughts. Imo, it's positive that you are communicating with friends and family about the true nature of your relationship with your SO. Keeping secrets, pretending that everything is fine, is not the way to go. Hopefully, your friends and family can be there to support you during the tough times. It sounds to me that you are not ready to give up on the relationship yet. Perhaps it's time to rearch rehab or recovery options. Never hurts to be informed. That being said, all the love, hope and knowledge about recovery means nothing unless the drinker/user wants to change. It doesn't seem that your SO is there...yet. That is why, I think, people are telling you to run like a scalded cat. Only you can decide when enough is enough. Ladyscribbler said it very well when describing Al-Anon groups. I will just add my little bit and be done. Al-Anon groups are for anyone troubled by a loved one's drinking or using. The members provide support and, hopefully through their own experiences, help others cope with another's drinking. Al-anon members don't sit around and talk about the outrageous things the alcoholics in their lives have done to them (though I'd be lying if I said it never comes up) They don't go to meetings to learn to "live with" another's problem behavior. They go to find the tools that will allow them to proceed forward in life in a positive way, whether the loved one is drinking or not. I understand if you don't find the idea of group meetings appealing. They are not for everyone. But, like Ladyscribbler, I recommend counseling with someone well versed in addictive behaviors and their effects on families and partners. Don't do it for your partner. Do it for you. Good luck. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am not going to stick around and go to meetings if he does nothing ...when he is the problem , not me.
Staying in a relationship which has progressively gotten worse because of addiction. Afraid to tell your family and friends the truth about all of this for over a year………….why? Why did you ignore all of the big red flags with him and this relationship? Those are your problems which you need to seek help in understanding.
He’s not the one bothered by his drinking and drugging you are………..kind of like this is not the person for you but if you could only mold him into the person you wish/want and think he can be……..all will be great. NO, life doesn’t work that way and especially not with an addict.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
No one says to find a rehab program or a counselor or whatever there is to fix someone like this.
we are not talking about a car with bad brakes that you can drive into a shop and get FIXED. we are talking a human being, with an addiction problem - and there is no FIX or CURE for that. the individual has to WANT to change....because alcohol and coke are not easy to quit and stay quit. recovery is a lifelong exercise......it means no more drinking or drugs, EVER. that is the only way to put the disease into remission.
at least half the battle of addiction is between the ears.......getting the head right. take some time and read up in the NEWCOMERS section, and you'll get a bit of a view into the struggles of the addict.
we are not talking about a car with bad brakes that you can drive into a shop and get FIXED. we are talking a human being, with an addiction problem - and there is no FIX or CURE for that. the individual has to WANT to change....because alcohol and coke are not easy to quit and stay quit. recovery is a lifelong exercise......it means no more drinking or drugs, EVER. that is the only way to put the disease into remission.
at least half the battle of addiction is between the ears.......getting the head right. take some time and read up in the NEWCOMERS section, and you'll get a bit of a view into the struggles of the addict.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Originally Posted by Snowing27 
I am not going to stick around and go to meetings if he does nothing ...when he is the problem , not me.
Read the stickies up top, read around the forum, educate yourself about addiction and take care of you. Give him to God and figure out what you want in life. There is a saying on F & F....
If you leave and he gets sober, good for you!!
If you leave and he doesn't get sober, good for you!!
Sending hugs my friend. Take the time, figure out what you need to do for you and execute your plan. You don't want to do anything you might regret later because you didn't think it out.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Snowing27
Hi there,
The other thing, which I feel sad about, is that everyone says to get out, and quickly. No one says to find a rehab program or a counselor or whatever there is to fix someone like this. I pretty much know if I offer this to him he will say "hell no". But it's on my mind. It's nice to have such support from family and friends, all putting my needs first, but as I cry to them , and say such things as he's great when sober and how much I love him...still no one says to work on it.
Why?
The other thing, which I feel sad about, is that everyone says to get out, and quickly. No one says to find a rehab program or a counselor or whatever there is to fix someone like this. I pretty much know if I offer this to him he will say "hell no". But it's on my mind. It's nice to have such support from family and friends, all putting my needs first, but as I cry to them , and say such things as he's great when sober and how much I love him...still no one says to work on it.
Why?
I understand what you mean when you say that no one says to offer rehab or other options other than leaving. And it drove me mad when people would respond to me to figure out what was wrong with me. I was thinking nothing is wrong with me its all my AH---he is the one with the problem and if he would just stop it would be fine.
But here is my experience. He hasnt stopped. He has been to rehab/detox/treatment 10 times in our almost 9 year marriage and to this day is still using despite all my best efforts at fixing him. He is not fixed and neither am I . I think that you have to decide at this point what you are ok with. If you stay and offer all this help that it does not seem he is asking for and it gets worse, then what. If he gets better but relapses then what. When you are involved with an addict there is always a possibility of relapse so even during times of sobriety there is always a question mark. Are you willing to live like that? If so then you can offer a million solutions, and i hope he recovers.
There are some that do, and there are some that don't recover and there is no magic formula to figure out what group ours are in. So during the years that we have been married I have realized this. You cant change it, you did not create it, and you cant control it.
But I would add one. You CAN decide if you contribute to it. Many times i have enabled and made the consequences of my AH decisions must less harsh because I always cleaned up the mess. I finally had to decide that while his using is out of my control my contributions are within my control. I do not have to provide a home and food and financial support for him and I do not have to live in chaos.
You have to decide what you are willing to contribute and what you can tolerate. For both of your sakes I send you hugs and prayers for recovery.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
You've gotten some great responses. I think most of us tried everything in our power to get our loved ones help, only to find out that they never wanted it in the first place. Some of us knew they didn't want it all along, so we bribed or threatened them into rehab, thinking once they made it in they would have their "ah-hah!" moment and all would be well. We were certain that some day someone would say the magic words that finally resonated with them . But until they're ready, that just doesn't happen.
I tried forcing my ex into rehab twice. The first time he pretended to be in a lockdown facility when he was really living in his car. But I was there to save the day! I got him admitted into an actual facility and maintained close contact with a counselor. That was stupid. What wasn't stupid, though, was that I got myself help. I started going to CR to address my codependency issues. It was really working for me. My ex begged me to come home early, so I made a deal with him that if he would attend CR with me he could leave. Well, that lasted a good two weeks. Then he didn't need to go anymore because he was "cured". I knew he wasn't, but, heck- if he wasn't going to work on his issues, I wasn't going to work on mine. THAT was really stupid. Years went by and things got worse and worse. My life fell apart. I spent years looking for evidence that my ex was using, finding the evidence, making threats about leaving/sending him to rehab, then allowing him to convince me that it was all in my head and there was no problem at all. Rinse and repeat. It made me crazy. I finally came to my senses and got out. Now I'm in recovery and it's everything to me. I know that I have a serious problem. No normal person allows herself to go through what I did.
He can keep doing what he's doing- I'm getting off this crazy train, whatever it takes.
I tried forcing my ex into rehab twice. The first time he pretended to be in a lockdown facility when he was really living in his car. But I was there to save the day! I got him admitted into an actual facility and maintained close contact with a counselor. That was stupid. What wasn't stupid, though, was that I got myself help. I started going to CR to address my codependency issues. It was really working for me. My ex begged me to come home early, so I made a deal with him that if he would attend CR with me he could leave. Well, that lasted a good two weeks. Then he didn't need to go anymore because he was "cured". I knew he wasn't, but, heck- if he wasn't going to work on his issues, I wasn't going to work on mine. THAT was really stupid. Years went by and things got worse and worse. My life fell apart. I spent years looking for evidence that my ex was using, finding the evidence, making threats about leaving/sending him to rehab, then allowing him to convince me that it was all in my head and there was no problem at all. Rinse and repeat. It made me crazy. I finally came to my senses and got out. Now I'm in recovery and it's everything to me. I know that I have a serious problem. No normal person allows herself to go through what I did.
He can keep doing what he's doing- I'm getting off this crazy train, whatever it takes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Hi and welcome here. I'm your age and have been in the same situation - in a relationship for 2 years out of which 12 months of continuous drinking and cocaine abuse. The drinking was getting worst each month, so was cocaine a d pill (xanax) abuse. After first massive relapse I thought I would offer rehab and both of us work on our issues. We'll it worked for 2 weeks (he was apologetic and really teying). Then the next two months he was ok but started to drink moderately and at the end relapsed again. He was homeless, tried to kill himself etc. Note, both uf us have good education and he had high managerial job. Non of it stopped him to go on sick leave and become homeless.
Then after several months of break, my therapy and reading here, I gave him chance again - he had new job and really worked hard on himself for months. But I could not get rid of the feeling that it
1) might repeat
2)he was with me because I enabled him and once he works on his therapy he will know our relationship is not sane. No healthy person would stay with him during such a terrible year. Healthy person would have left him months ago.... I'm in therapy and I know I have issues from childhood that made me stay in something that unhealth. I take it as a sign that hit me in my face saying "work on your issues"
3) I also read here and saw how common it is for them to relapse and most likely never change. They can be sober for 2 years but one day they will relapse and I didn't want my children (once I have some) to ever see that.
4) also, you can see here that aftera year of sobriety the addict often leaves partner who worked on him/herself just because they are weak and don't want to have this reminder of "bad times". For example I thought that this would make us closer but obviously the addict has even more issues from past that is codependents so they are often not ready to discuss what happened because it hurts them.
I broke up with my ex 3 months ago for the last time. And I can see he lives this "great life". Nobody knows what he has done, how many people he hurt. He looks great and has great job, is charming... Etc. Sometimes I'm sad, but I know he will hit the next person the same way he hurt me. It will repeat for sure. And I'm not even sorry for him.
To get over bad time, you need to be able to talk about it even with the person who hurt you (like ur addict bfriend). My ex always shut me down saying "it really hurts me talk about it, I can't do it" or "we already talked about it so move on". If he was mature and really getting his therapy, he would know it takes time to get over bad experience - I read I takes 9 times good experience to overcome the bad one. In your case you would need at least 18 years of good behavior and absolute dedication from him to fully trust him again. OR YOU CAN LEAVE, WORK ON URSELF AND STAR OVER WITH SOMEONE NEW. Do you think you can't do better that this guy? I'm sure you can! Take care.
Then after several months of break, my therapy and reading here, I gave him chance again - he had new job and really worked hard on himself for months. But I could not get rid of the feeling that it
1) might repeat
2)he was with me because I enabled him and once he works on his therapy he will know our relationship is not sane. No healthy person would stay with him during such a terrible year. Healthy person would have left him months ago.... I'm in therapy and I know I have issues from childhood that made me stay in something that unhealth. I take it as a sign that hit me in my face saying "work on your issues"
3) I also read here and saw how common it is for them to relapse and most likely never change. They can be sober for 2 years but one day they will relapse and I didn't want my children (once I have some) to ever see that.
4) also, you can see here that aftera year of sobriety the addict often leaves partner who worked on him/herself just because they are weak and don't want to have this reminder of "bad times". For example I thought that this would make us closer but obviously the addict has even more issues from past that is codependents so they are often not ready to discuss what happened because it hurts them.
I broke up with my ex 3 months ago for the last time. And I can see he lives this "great life". Nobody knows what he has done, how many people he hurt. He looks great and has great job, is charming... Etc. Sometimes I'm sad, but I know he will hit the next person the same way he hurt me. It will repeat for sure. And I'm not even sorry for him.
To get over bad time, you need to be able to talk about it even with the person who hurt you (like ur addict bfriend). My ex always shut me down saying "it really hurts me talk about it, I can't do it" or "we already talked about it so move on". If he was mature and really getting his therapy, he would know it takes time to get over bad experience - I read I takes 9 times good experience to overcome the bad one. In your case you would need at least 18 years of good behavior and absolute dedication from him to fully trust him again. OR YOU CAN LEAVE, WORK ON URSELF AND STAR OVER WITH SOMEONE NEW. Do you think you can't do better that this guy? I'm sure you can! Take care.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
I really recommend therapy, read the book In the realm of hungry ghost, check out podcast on YouTube : freedomain radio call in show by stefan molyneux. It really helped me to realize Why i spent so much time with an addict.
Most addictions are caused due to childhood issues / abandonment. You cant fix it. It must be the addict to address it and it is long journey. You should concentrate on you and why you personally accepted such a bad behavior for 20 months. I really wish you the best and hope you won't loose more time of your precious life.
Most addictions are caused due to childhood issues / abandonment. You cant fix it. It must be the addict to address it and it is long journey. You should concentrate on you and why you personally accepted such a bad behavior for 20 months. I really wish you the best and hope you won't loose more time of your precious life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs
It made me crazy. I finally came to my senses and got out. Now I'm in recovery and it's everything to me. I know that I have a serious problem. No normal person allows herself to go through what I did.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by MAYA1
I can't agree more! Thank you for your post. What did you do for your recovery? Are you quite confident that this will not repeat again?
As for being sure I won't find myself in the same situation again, no, I'm certainly not sure. I'm terrified of continuing this cycle. But I know as long as I am holding myself accountable for my actions and being honest with myself it is much less likely.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Denver Colorado.
Posts: 13
Thank you for all the great responses
Thank you to everyone who takes time out of their busy days and perhaps challenging days like mine as well! I appreciate the support.
I have since looked up the stickies and all about local meetings etc. some of the posts were hard to take ....such as its me who has the problem. But I get what each of those posts were saying.
He is not the recipient of all the hurtful words and times. He is not the one on sites like this reading and getting confirmation of reality. He is NOT the one looking up meetings to attend. He cannot fully grasp that a hug and "I know I screwed up, I'll try to be better" chats are losing meaning.
He is though the one who has many friends who drink and coke binge like he does, who are single are maybe are in relationships and are a-holes too and land at the local strip club by 2am because they are the bars that serve past 2am, he does have friends who do what he does so he finds comfort there more than in my good nature. And I highly doubt they "chat it up" and admit any fault...I mean how would that go? Uh, lets do another line and our 20th shot of liquor and talk about how our girls think we are alcoholics and coke heads ...as they nod to the half naked girls at the strip club.
I was so naive to the alcohol issue. I stayed all this time because I thought he was just a jerk and lacked gentleman qualities ...and I had to pick my battles and relationships are work... I only could come to realize within the year of knowing him, as the courting subsided as we were living together. It wasn't all at once, nor as frequent. It just got worse each quarter, then month, then week, then days.
I also moved 2000 miles with this guy for a new adventure. It cost a **** ton of money to get here, and it will cost me money to get out again. I'm damn mad about that. I work hard and want to spend on myself, not on moving again.
And the posts that talk about how the alcoholic can and most likely will move on to another gal(victim) ...cause they can't stand to be alone or they feel no pain, well that irks me. How dare he neglect me and this relationship and then not fix it but just move on.
He told me yesterday he loves me and doesn't want me to leave but he doesn't want me to be unhappy. That is confirmation that he is not willing to budge I guess. I said I loved him too and that we could go to meetings together or rehab, or whatever there is. No emotion from him. He won't do that.
I dislike his friends he chooses, they all do cocaine, my boyfriend knows more "pick up" people than he has real friends. They all turn to him. How sad. He thinks it's cool I guess. And he spends so much money on alcohol, strip club entry fees, cocaine, and footing the bill when he is all jacked up to be the cool guy. I can't count on him to be the man of the house cause his money is wasted.
Well I took him and his car off my car insurance about a month ago. During an usual blow out, I told him he had 30 days to get a new policy in place, being Sept 21st he has no coverage. Well it's the 29th and his newer car has no insurance still...had plenty of time ...but valued spending money and time otherwise.
I stayed this whole time cause I had no idea what this was. I knew it didn't feel good or right a lot of the time, but he always was home every night so cheating was off the table, but I couldn't figure out why a person says he loves me ALL the time and kisses me and hugs me, but spends so much time away with superficial people...of course I took it personal. I screamed why am I even here? WTF , a lot!
I get it, he chooses the drink and drug over anyone.
I have since looked up the stickies and all about local meetings etc. some of the posts were hard to take ....such as its me who has the problem. But I get what each of those posts were saying.
He is not the recipient of all the hurtful words and times. He is not the one on sites like this reading and getting confirmation of reality. He is NOT the one looking up meetings to attend. He cannot fully grasp that a hug and "I know I screwed up, I'll try to be better" chats are losing meaning.
He is though the one who has many friends who drink and coke binge like he does, who are single are maybe are in relationships and are a-holes too and land at the local strip club by 2am because they are the bars that serve past 2am, he does have friends who do what he does so he finds comfort there more than in my good nature. And I highly doubt they "chat it up" and admit any fault...I mean how would that go? Uh, lets do another line and our 20th shot of liquor and talk about how our girls think we are alcoholics and coke heads ...as they nod to the half naked girls at the strip club.
I was so naive to the alcohol issue. I stayed all this time because I thought he was just a jerk and lacked gentleman qualities ...and I had to pick my battles and relationships are work... I only could come to realize within the year of knowing him, as the courting subsided as we were living together. It wasn't all at once, nor as frequent. It just got worse each quarter, then month, then week, then days.
I also moved 2000 miles with this guy for a new adventure. It cost a **** ton of money to get here, and it will cost me money to get out again. I'm damn mad about that. I work hard and want to spend on myself, not on moving again.
And the posts that talk about how the alcoholic can and most likely will move on to another gal(victim) ...cause they can't stand to be alone or they feel no pain, well that irks me. How dare he neglect me and this relationship and then not fix it but just move on.
He told me yesterday he loves me and doesn't want me to leave but he doesn't want me to be unhappy. That is confirmation that he is not willing to budge I guess. I said I loved him too and that we could go to meetings together or rehab, or whatever there is. No emotion from him. He won't do that.
I dislike his friends he chooses, they all do cocaine, my boyfriend knows more "pick up" people than he has real friends. They all turn to him. How sad. He thinks it's cool I guess. And he spends so much money on alcohol, strip club entry fees, cocaine, and footing the bill when he is all jacked up to be the cool guy. I can't count on him to be the man of the house cause his money is wasted.
Well I took him and his car off my car insurance about a month ago. During an usual blow out, I told him he had 30 days to get a new policy in place, being Sept 21st he has no coverage. Well it's the 29th and his newer car has no insurance still...had plenty of time ...but valued spending money and time otherwise.
I stayed this whole time cause I had no idea what this was. I knew it didn't feel good or right a lot of the time, but he always was home every night so cheating was off the table, but I couldn't figure out why a person says he loves me ALL the time and kisses me and hugs me, but spends so much time away with superficial people...of course I took it personal. I screamed why am I even here? WTF , a lot!
I get it, he chooses the drink and drug over anyone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
I'm so sorry for your pain. Reading your post made me really a angry and sad. I know how you feel and the old feeling came back because I think this is how my life would look like in 13 years. I also was hurt by what some people wrote here but they were right. I don't think my ex didn't live me but I think many hugs and sweet words were just to keep his rock (food and stable place to stay). Unfortunately it took very little to forgive him. I was never upset too long so he knew few sweet words and promises would grand him another week/month. Those ups and downs were crazy and so painful.
When you say"I was so naive to the alcohol issue. I stayed all this time because I thought he was just a jerk and lacked gentleman qualities" Why would you stay with person like that anyway? You sound like you have it together, financially and mentally. I am sure you can do better. 3 months no contact did a lot for me. I am hurt that I lost some time but it was a lesson and I have learned a lot about myself. Book that helped me a lot was In the realm of hungry ghost or YouTube podcast about relationships (YouTube - stefan molyneux /relationships /call in show).
I hope it will serve you. And again, I'm very sorry for pain you feel.
Take care
When you say"I was so naive to the alcohol issue. I stayed all this time because I thought he was just a jerk and lacked gentleman qualities" Why would you stay with person like that anyway? You sound like you have it together, financially and mentally. I am sure you can do better. 3 months no contact did a lot for me. I am hurt that I lost some time but it was a lesson and I have learned a lot about myself. Book that helped me a lot was In the realm of hungry ghost or YouTube podcast about relationships (YouTube - stefan molyneux /relationships /call in show).
I hope it will serve you. And again, I'm very sorry for pain you feel.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs
My recovery consists of going to Celebrate Recovery every week without fail and not isolating. I am constantly on the lookout for free or cheap events going on around us- festivals and other activities. This has been great for me and, of course, the kids. I'm making lots of new friends and have built a strong support network. When I was with my ex, he was pretty much all I had. No wonder I felt I needed him so badly.
As for being sure I won't find myself in the same situation again, no, I'm certainly not sure. I'm terrified of continuing this cycle. But I know as long as I am holding myself accountable for my actions and being honest with myself it is much less likely.
As for being sure I won't find myself in the same situation again, no, I'm certainly not sure. I'm terrified of continuing this cycle. But I know as long as I am holding myself accountable for my actions and being honest with myself it is much less likely.
Thank you for the tips, really appreciate it and I think it's great start to take responsibility for our self and our action. Thank you and take care!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Denver Colorado.
Posts: 13
Thank you again to all who responded.
We talked today. And one very important aspect I neglected to tell is he has an extreme case of ADHD. For the longest time I was consumed with that disease/shortcoming he has. I researched and went on forums like this site reading testimonials and real stories and the good and bad and short and tall of it.
I had to learn about it completely to accept it cause again like this site, some say to run, and fast, and then some tell how "if my loved one had cancer I wouldn't leave". So for months I dove into that life and said if that is the reason, we made a deal that I would be empathetic and educated before I judge wether the bahavior was ADHD or just dickish.
Then the drinking and partying was on a role. I was hurt and mad and was like screw your ADHD cause you are an adult and c'mon, it's just over the top as being unacceptable.
He hasn't had insurance and had to wait for the entry period at his company ...in February we knew that was nearly 10 months away. Yes we fought cause I said all the money wasted on drinks, club fees, coke, uber, etc., you could have for a doctor visit or two and some recommended RX. ...just to get started. Never happened and November 1 is the insurance.
So back to today's talk, he admitted he's been escaping life, easier to drink and get out of his head. But that he's not an alcoholic, and can stop anytime, and it's all deliberate. His friends were the path of least resistance, never nag him, just enjoy him once in a while. But that he knows I'm good for him, and to please hold on ...and that the entire morning before I came to him he was researching a psychologist or psychiatrist that was recommended by his boss, who specializes in ADHD. He apparently told his boss he really needs the insurance and why. So he researched how much it may cost to start Dr visits in October before the insurance kicks in. Cause he knows he needs it sooner. And one more month of this crazy life ....well we won't make it.
So now what experience and advice does everyone have with this recent news? I mean a psychiatrist is a therapist/counselor, correct? He can discuss the drinking/cocaine and ADHD. This imo is a positive step.
I made a decision as well, that I love him, I want a good life with him, and I will support him and hang on. I told him he better do what he says cause this is or could put some distance between all those close to me. He says he will prove himself and show my mom how wonderful he is. Cause I told him I told her.
We talked today. And one very important aspect I neglected to tell is he has an extreme case of ADHD. For the longest time I was consumed with that disease/shortcoming he has. I researched and went on forums like this site reading testimonials and real stories and the good and bad and short and tall of it.
I had to learn about it completely to accept it cause again like this site, some say to run, and fast, and then some tell how "if my loved one had cancer I wouldn't leave". So for months I dove into that life and said if that is the reason, we made a deal that I would be empathetic and educated before I judge wether the bahavior was ADHD or just dickish.
Then the drinking and partying was on a role. I was hurt and mad and was like screw your ADHD cause you are an adult and c'mon, it's just over the top as being unacceptable.
He hasn't had insurance and had to wait for the entry period at his company ...in February we knew that was nearly 10 months away. Yes we fought cause I said all the money wasted on drinks, club fees, coke, uber, etc., you could have for a doctor visit or two and some recommended RX. ...just to get started. Never happened and November 1 is the insurance.
So back to today's talk, he admitted he's been escaping life, easier to drink and get out of his head. But that he's not an alcoholic, and can stop anytime, and it's all deliberate. His friends were the path of least resistance, never nag him, just enjoy him once in a while. But that he knows I'm good for him, and to please hold on ...and that the entire morning before I came to him he was researching a psychologist or psychiatrist that was recommended by his boss, who specializes in ADHD. He apparently told his boss he really needs the insurance and why. So he researched how much it may cost to start Dr visits in October before the insurance kicks in. Cause he knows he needs it sooner. And one more month of this crazy life ....well we won't make it.
So now what experience and advice does everyone have with this recent news? I mean a psychiatrist is a therapist/counselor, correct? He can discuss the drinking/cocaine and ADHD. This imo is a positive step.
I made a decision as well, that I love him, I want a good life with him, and I will support him and hang on. I told him he better do what he says cause this is or could put some distance between all those close to me. He says he will prove himself and show my mom how wonderful he is. Cause I told him I told her.
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