Hechosedrugs

I know it does, because 99% of the things I worry about never happen!"
-Will Rogers

Last time I posted, I was an absolute wreck over my kids' birthday. I was positive that my MIL was going to outdo me- throw this awesome party, make an amazing cake. What really happened? Nothing, really. They took them out to pizza, and that was about it. No cake. Presents? Oh, a bag of used clothes- most of them stained, the wrong size, or seasonally inappropriate. Wow. Why did I expect more of two addicts? It's not like they're much for planning, and why would I expect them to spend their money on my kids? I should know by now where their priorities lie.

So, there's that.

Then I got all worked up about my kids' first soccer game. I invited my ex to it, but was so nervous about it. Would we sit next to each other? And I was just certain that he'd be chatting up all the other parents, probably flirting with all the moms, while I sat alone all by my shy self. Nope! Instead, I made a friend! Who is this new me? Making friends right off the bat?! She had this awesome chair with shade attached, and I complimented her on it. She happened to have another in her car and brought it out for me to use. X showed up late, about half way through the game, and there I was with my new friend, with matching soccer mom chairs. And he just sort of stood off to the side, looking very high and out of place. This man who used to be the life of the party, who always told me to let him do the talking because I'm so terribly bad with people.

Also, at CR last night, a woman from the chemically dependent group approached me. She said she couldn't believe I was "F's" wife. She said she had no idea what I saw in him. "I mean, he's an alright guy, but..." I told her that no, he's not an alright guy (sorry, not sorry!) and that we're getting divorced. She replied that I was making the right decision, that he was obviously heavily addicted to something. I was so happy that someone finally saw this! That no one seemed to believe me. She said she's been using since she was 11 and knows all the signs.

Validation! Oh, it felt so good.

So, the tables are turning. I used to always feel like he was too good for me- such a handsome, outgoing man. But addiction has changed all that. He's lost his looks, and he's downright weird in social settings now. And I'm finally coming out of my shell- my, how the tables are turned!

Anyway, just wanted to post. It's amazing how things are turning out to be the opposite of what I feared. And I'm no longer afraid of being alone- in fact, I quite enjoy it. If anything, I'm afraid of being in a relationship again- yikes!

Thanks for reading!

AnvilheadII

what a great post. i can just see you rockin' the COOL MOMS chair! look at you go!

Eauchiche

I think some of us in unhealthy relationships get addicted to drama, and the resultant adrenaline. Yes, adrenaline can be an addiction too!

Glad everything is working out okay!

ladyscribbler

Thank you for this. Glad to know I'm not the only one. I was tied up in knots last summer worrying about X's visit with DS7, convinced he'd pull out all the stops and turn on the Superdad act full force and DS would come home crying that he wanted to go live with daddy.

The total opposite happened. X's new wife and her daughters went out of their way to let DS know he wasn't welcome, X stood by like a coward and let it happen, even helped enable the wife's crazy narrative that DS was to blame for all of it (apparently he's the most diabolical 7 y.o. in history). So X no longer has any relationship at all with him, after a year of fighting me for custody/visitation.

After awhile all that "high-functioning" and "charming" veneer wears off, usually when we quit trying to polish the turd. That was my experience anyway.

Refiner

Hecho that was so totally cool to read! And I can relate! My A Narcissistic sister made me AND my Mom's life a living hell. Like from the time she was a young girl to when in her 50's when Mom passed away from cancer. All Mom's friends and family came out of the woodwork and validated what a horrid person sister was. That's when I was finally able to go NO CONTACT and am a happy camper for doing so.

Hechosedrugs

[QUOTE=ladyscribbler;6149089]

After awhile all that "high-functioning" and "charming" veneer wears off, usually when we quit trying to polish the turd. That was my experience anyway.[/QUOTE

This- times a thousand!

needingabreak

While I do feel very bad for your child or any child who is left to not feel very important, I think this shows you that you are indeed one awesome mom and are liked and can make friends much more easily than you think. How cool is that that now you have a friend you can sit and chat with at every game and who knows, maybe become great friends? I hope things continue to go well for you and you find yourself feeling more secure and gain more confidence to go out and have fun and get a whole new bunch of friends. Having children really does help in that area, especially when they are involved in sports. So happy to read this hechosedrugs. I am glad it has all worked out in a positive way for you. His actions will show him to be the person he really is. I am sure being validated felt great.

AnvilheadII

I attended all games, recitals, performances and as many practices as possible while my daughter was growing up. Her dad made "most" games and recitals, but when she was in high school, as captain of the dance squad that performed at half time, he'd wait in the car, not come in and watch her. not sure why.

she FELT every one of his absences.

but she also FELT every time i was present.

altho it was never a competition, she knew who was on the sidelines and who was not. who sewed the sequins on the tutu, who whooped from the audience.

imagine if neither parent bothered. my own mom stopped being "engaged" from about my age 12 on. the void was deep and massive.

YOU are making sure that never happens. you are being PRESENT, you are bearing witness.

Hechosedrugs

It is sad that they don't get to have the kind of father they deserve. They are just now starting to understand this, too. The other day one of my sons asked why Dad has never once read a book to him. I told him to bring a book along on his visit and explained to my X how important it was to him. He said he would read it- but he never did. He's just a mess and not capable of much more than sitting the kids in front of a tv or computer. I've pretty much given up on him getting better, in fact I fully expect him to get worse because he's so convinced he doesn't have a problem. So my main hope right now is that he slowly exits our lives and that I can find a good father figure for my boys (if I ever learn to trust again!)

Hechosedrugs

Thank you so much, Anvilhead. Strange to think of him coming to her performances only to sit in the car. I guess he thought to himself, "Well, at least I'm here."

Dee1234

I agree 100% thats probably me..i loved the drama now that its so peaceful the fear of not knowing is eating me away, but breaking isolation makes things a little bit easier