sunny053

Hi SR, I haven't been on here for a couple of months, but I again want to ask for advice or any opinion on what I'm doing at the moment.

To summarise, I've spent most of this year so far worrying about and trying to deal with my partner's addiction. We were together for a couple of years before that but things only really came to the surface this year.

It's been really painful and scary. We broke up and he moved away from me over a year ago, but we've been on and off and I've been visiting him a lot over that time. Basically I've never not had him in my life to some degree, or completely off my mind. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago he asked me to be with him again and I said yes. He's going to move here in a few months.

On the surface I'm happy about it, but I can't get rid of this horrible feeling inside. I'm turning 22 in 3 days and the more I think about it the more I feel like I've wasted this entire year. I've just felt horrible and worried myself sick for most of it. He's about 6 weeks sober now as far as I know. But I know I don't have any control over when or how that might change. As much as he tells me it's going to be different now. He's physically and emotionally abused me in the past, only months ago, and he has a drug abuse problem. And I'm still in love with the person who he is when he's sober. What do I do? I know I'm setting myself up to get hurt. I'm making myself vulnerable to someone who has hurt me in the past and trusting them not to do it again. I know seeing him high is going to happen, "socially" at the very least - it's still gonna be a part of my life. I'm so scared and unsure. Is there a middle ground? Can we live together and get through this? Do I just walk away somehow?

MAYA1

I would say walk away. He hurt you, didn't make any amendments, you are anxious just thinking that he would move back.

I understand he doesn't have therapist or regular meetings since you say "I will see him high again on social occasions".

I recently read that we should only be empathetic to those who return empathy in the same way. It really touched me as I realized I was constantly sorry for my addicted ex. Sorry for his childhood and drug abuse it has caused him while I was sorry and forgiving, he was mean and disrespectful. He didn't get proper help. I decided I DON'T want to spend the rest of my life anxious, worried, etc. You lost a year. That's enough in my opinion.

FeelingGreat

Hi Sunny, you do know some things for sure. One is that he's not in recovery, as you've said you'll see him high in social situations. Two is that he's an abuser. Try to separate that from the drug problem; an abuser is an abuser.

I think your doubts are very legitimate and that you'll regret it if you let him back. Have you considered talking to a domestic violence counsellor about the abuse? I just Googled the Women's Domestic Violence Helpline and it's easy to find. Please don't think you need to be right in the middle of an episode to talk to them. They can help you put what's happened into a context and talk you through your decision.

It's hard to break free when you're in touch with someone all the time. If you do decide to end it again consider gritting your teeth and going non-contact. You'll get over him much quicker if you do.

Ariesagain

Your gut is screaming at you that this is not the right thing to do.

Please, please, PLEASE listen to that...you clearly have excellent instincts. He's an addict, strike one, in very early recovery, strike two, and he has abused you...game over.

Run. Read threads here from people who have lost years and even decades getting more and more enmeshed and brainwashed by the addicts in their lives.

Don't do that to yourself, please.

Run.

dandylion

sunny.....you KNOW what is going to happen. You just typed it!

If you rejoin him...you will not be a victim...you will be a volunteer.
You will not get to complain that y ou didn't know what he was going to do...

You make your decisions and live with the consequences...whatever they may be...

My suggestion.....Contact your local abuse organization and get a counselor or support group that they suggest.
Start reading about abuse and addictions.....Knowledge is power!!
Don't let him come back. Tell him that you realize the need to work on yourself and that you are not ready for a relationship with anyone!

You are young, and you are at a critical crossroad in your life.
What ever decision you make may change the course of your whole life!
You have all the power in your own hands...
I pray that you will make the decision to put your own welfare first...over a guy who will drag you through the coals of hell....

Refiner

^^^Here is your answer. ^^^
Why are you even entertaining getting back together? Do you realize being an addict and being an ABUSER are very separate things????

Hechosedrugs

Sunny,
My heart breaks for you. I've been in your shoes. Right now the answer is so clear to everyone but you. You want so badly to believe in him. But he's going to make you suffer.

I once read that there are 3 reasons one absolutely must leave a relationship: abuse, addiction, and affairs. He's hit the trifecta!

Please take care of yourself.

zoso77

Sunny...past behavior is usually a good predictor of future behavior. And you deserve so, so much better than this.

AnvilheadII

you are only 22. just a babe. and yet already your life is being destroyed by SOMEONE ELSE's drug use and abuse of you.

WE cannot allow others to abuse us. we MUST stop it before it continues. we must not GIVE abuse another chance.

call it off, tell him to stay put and stay away. you've been apart for a year, you do not live together, make the break cleanly and quickly. and then go no contact. you have the rest of your life waiting for you.

hopepraylove

This was me at 22, and 23, and...well, you get the picture. Run, don't walk. It gets easier and it gets better.

atalose

Just because you have already agreed to allow him to move in with you doesn’t mean you cannot change your mind. You are not OBLIGATED to help him in any way shape or form no matter how much time you invested in him and the relationship. Feeling sick, anxious, worried sick, saying yes when you really want to say no are not healthy means for a loving relationship, least not one that will last very long.

What you need to figure out is which “HURT” do you want to deal with. The hurt of ending this relationship and all those things that come with endings or the hurt of feeling sick, being anxious and worried and filled with anticipation waiting for that left foot to drop and him to relapse after he moves in.

We really do have choices, we may not like them but we do have them.

MIRecovery

Unfortunately if we always do what we always did. We will always get what we always got