A little something positive....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
A little something positive....
Some of you may remember me......but others won't so I'll provide a bit of background.
My son was a nightmare. Meth addicted nightmare.
And I was a nightmare. Addicted to rescuing him.
This went on for many years. I took him in. I threw him out. I bailed him out. I let him stew in jail. I gave him refuge. I called the police on him. I received a call from the hospital after he was severely beaten, pistol whipped and shot at. Put him through rehab at my full expense because he had no insurance numerous times. He was homeless more times than I can count and he lost everything....relationships with friends and family and all of belongings, including at least two cars to impound.
I coaxed. I begged. I ignored. I tried to reason. I cried. I prayed. I cursed God.
And eventually....I accepted. Nothing I was doing was helping him. I decided to save myself. And I accepted that he was going to live his life and I just loved him. And I said goodbye. I decided to live my life.
And I moved away.....far away.....to another country.
Within about 8 months after my move, he decided to clean up. He started going to meetings. He met a series of people who helped him along the way. He got into a sober living house. He got a job. And he is now over a year clean and sober.
He came to visit me a few months ago and I spent two weeks with the kind, gentle man he is when clean and sober.
Today...I sit in gratitude. Still thousands of miles away but we talk via text or Skype regularly. He is happy. He acknowledges the struggle...it is real....but he's doing well.
My point is that....for me....acceptance was the key. Acceptance that my actions weren't helping him. I loved the addict but not the disease. I took care of me. I don't know what the keys to his recovery were but he has acknowledged that my moving away (and a few other events) struck a chord so deep with him.....that he knew he had to clean up or die.
I don't know what the future holds but today I am just grateful that I had the courage to live my life and follow my dreams. Grateful that I had the courage to let go of my own obsessive behavior. And the courage to realize that I was not the answer/cure to his addiction.
Don't lose hope.....
Gentle hugs
My son was a nightmare. Meth addicted nightmare.
And I was a nightmare. Addicted to rescuing him.
This went on for many years. I took him in. I threw him out. I bailed him out. I let him stew in jail. I gave him refuge. I called the police on him. I received a call from the hospital after he was severely beaten, pistol whipped and shot at. Put him through rehab at my full expense because he had no insurance numerous times. He was homeless more times than I can count and he lost everything....relationships with friends and family and all of belongings, including at least two cars to impound.
I coaxed. I begged. I ignored. I tried to reason. I cried. I prayed. I cursed God.
And eventually....I accepted. Nothing I was doing was helping him. I decided to save myself. And I accepted that he was going to live his life and I just loved him. And I said goodbye. I decided to live my life.
And I moved away.....far away.....to another country.
Within about 8 months after my move, he decided to clean up. He started going to meetings. He met a series of people who helped him along the way. He got into a sober living house. He got a job. And he is now over a year clean and sober.
He came to visit me a few months ago and I spent two weeks with the kind, gentle man he is when clean and sober.
Today...I sit in gratitude. Still thousands of miles away but we talk via text or Skype regularly. He is happy. He acknowledges the struggle...it is real....but he's doing well.
My point is that....for me....acceptance was the key. Acceptance that my actions weren't helping him. I loved the addict but not the disease. I took care of me. I don't know what the keys to his recovery were but he has acknowledged that my moving away (and a few other events) struck a chord so deep with him.....that he knew he had to clean up or die.
I don't know what the future holds but today I am just grateful that I had the courage to live my life and follow my dreams. Grateful that I had the courage to let go of my own obsessive behavior. And the courage to realize that I was not the answer/cure to his addiction.
Don't lose hope.....
Gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Kindeyes I do remember you and I am so thankful to see where you and your son are in your lives. What a beautiful testimony to what can happen when we let go and allow our children to figure it out for themselves when we stop trying to fix it for them. Tough lesson to learn but so important for both child and parent. So happy for both you and your son. Hope things continue to go well for you. Thanks so much for the update. It is great to read positive posts and it helps those still struggling with addicted family members to see there is always hope.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
So happy to read this today KE! I appreciate your communication, your gentle support and sharing your journey.
The powerful statement of just accepting. That is one for the record books.
JJ is now on the path of freedom, having completed a 9 month recovery program, living on his own in sober living and has a full time job. I think its time for me to accept that this is his life and I need to stop fretting about what is "next" for him.
The powerful statement of just accepting. That is one for the record books.
JJ is now on the path of freedom, having completed a 9 month recovery program, living on his own in sober living and has a full time job. I think its time for me to accept that this is his life and I need to stop fretting about what is "next" for him.
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
thank you!
i am so grateful for your share today. remember you?! my goodness, your wisdom and kindness helped so much to propel me back to sanity. truly. so pleased to hear the happy in your 'voice'. and your son living in recovery, so awesome.
we each, addict and codie alike, have to find our own way to peace. no two people ever do it exactly the same way imho. one truth for me has been to take care of myself. initially it was the hide valuables, don't give money, set boundaries stuff. then it was time for professionals. but it evolved into being kind to my self - going to the beach, thai chi, new hair cut!
eventually from working my own recovery all these things are now second nature. oh i don't have to hide things anymore but no money and boundaries are here to stay for my health. and being kind to myself - that's a forever thing. you Kind Eyes, and many others here at SR, helped me get my life back.
also, my son is 18 months clean and thriving.
we each, addict and codie alike, have to find our own way to peace. no two people ever do it exactly the same way imho. one truth for me has been to take care of myself. initially it was the hide valuables, don't give money, set boundaries stuff. then it was time for professionals. but it evolved into being kind to my self - going to the beach, thai chi, new hair cut!
eventually from working my own recovery all these things are now second nature. oh i don't have to hide things anymore but no money and boundaries are here to stay for my health. and being kind to myself - that's a forever thing. you Kind Eyes, and many others here at SR, helped me get my life back.
also, my son is 18 months clean and thriving.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Kindeyes, of course I remember you, you have always shared your light in such kind and wonderful ways and have been an inspiration to me and many here for a long time.
You tell your story well, I am so happy for both you and your son, that recovery was the lifeline that brought each of you out of the darkness of despair. What struck me here was that even if it had not gone well for your son, you did the right thing to let go and take care of yourself. I suspect that your shining example was an inspiration to him to at least give it a good shot.
Lovenjoy and Ilovemysonjj, I am so happy for you and your sons too, how wonderful it is to hear positive stories here today.
There may be no greater love than to let our children find their own way in life, make their own mistakes and learn from them, and to grow without our interference or judgement.
Hugs
You tell your story well, I am so happy for both you and your son, that recovery was the lifeline that brought each of you out of the darkness of despair. What struck me here was that even if it had not gone well for your son, you did the right thing to let go and take care of yourself. I suspect that your shining example was an inspiration to him to at least give it a good shot.
Lovenjoy and Ilovemysonjj, I am so happy for you and your sons too, how wonderful it is to hear positive stories here today.
There may be no greater love than to let our children find their own way in life, make their own mistakes and learn from them, and to grow without our interference or judgement.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Kindeyes,
I remember the compassion and support and understanding that you had shown me and the other mommas who are members of this Codie club.
You were right...once I STOPPED trying to fix my daughters, they got better..the older one with suboxone, she's now a Social Worker in a recovery center the other daughter did it the hardest way...she was plain "sick of being sick" she stopped, a painful withdrawal and has been sober since Febuary, I still drug test her, randomly, and she is happy.
Thank you for giving this momma some peace with you wise words.
TF
I remember the compassion and support and understanding that you had shown me and the other mommas who are members of this Codie club.
You were right...once I STOPPED trying to fix my daughters, they got better..the older one with suboxone, she's now a Social Worker in a recovery center the other daughter did it the hardest way...she was plain "sick of being sick" she stopped, a painful withdrawal and has been sober since Febuary, I still drug test her, randomly, and she is happy.
Thank you for giving this momma some peace with you wise words.
TF
Thank you for sharing the hope with us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Thank you all for your kind words. I remember you guys too and hold you each in a special place in my heart. You helped me so much in my times of sadness, despair and overwhelming anxiety.
I'm am so glad to hear of those who have sons and daughters in recovery and saddened to hear of those still struggling in active addiction. When my son was active and people would talk about their loved ones in recovery, I would feel pangs of jealousy followed by guilt for feeling that way. Luckily, I had many friends in recovery and they would simply tell me "KE....he's not done yet." And I would hope again.....hope for the day when he WOULD be done.
I can never be grateful that my son struggles with addiction......but I have said many, many times that I will be forever grateful for the lessons I have learned and the people I have met as a direct result of his addiction.
Much love to you all
I'm am so glad to hear of those who have sons and daughters in recovery and saddened to hear of those still struggling in active addiction. When my son was active and people would talk about their loved ones in recovery, I would feel pangs of jealousy followed by guilt for feeling that way. Luckily, I had many friends in recovery and they would simply tell me "KE....he's not done yet." And I would hope again.....hope for the day when he WOULD be done.
I can never be grateful that my son struggles with addiction......but I have said many, many times that I will be forever grateful for the lessons I have learned and the people I have met as a direct result of his addiction.
Much love to you all
I'm really happy to hear things have turned around for you, and I thank you for sharing your ESH (experience, strength & hope) to any newcomers affected by substances.
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