HappyPoppy

Hello all,

I've been reading the board for a few months and this is my first time posting. A little background about me. I am the descendent of a poppy farmer from the old country. My father grew up on a poppy farm in the middle east and from what I gather, his father was addicted to opium that they farmed. My dad, who is not a drug user and became a workaholic, excelled in school and moved to the states. He has always had an attraction to crazy women and ended up marrying my mother. My mother is the daughter of a child bride. My grandmother told me before she died that she was having babies while her baby teeth were still falling out. My mother has not done drugs, but is addicted to chaos and also her religion.

I am currently married to a very intelligent man, but emotionally, he is stunted. His grandfather was an alcoholic and died driving home from the bar, when his esophagus bled out and he crashed into a tree. Thankfully, he didn't take anyone else out with him. My husband's mother is textbook codependent but in extreme denial. Sadly, she is a heavy drinker. His dad is a porn addict with OCD. My husband has had his battles with alcohol but he doesn't drink much anymore but I know if he does, he will have no control over himself, and is addicted to his prescription adderall, sleeping pills, nicotine pills. We have two small kids and I find pills he has dropped on the ground and I'm terrified that one of my kids might take one accidently.

My husband is a decent provider and has a high-status professional job, which he struggles with. He's a workaholic and expects me to give up my life in order to enable his long hours at work. I myself had a professional career at one time but gave it up to stay home with my kids.

In order to cope with him, his family, and my family, I have become obsessed with studying psychology. I was a psych major in college and I spend hours every day reading about psychology.

My codependency started when I was a kid. I was expected to take care of my borderline mother and by middle school, I was put in charge of caretaking my older sister with her eating disorder. From locking away food, to watching her during meals, and to helping her socialize and keep her company. My codependency was reinforced daily by my mother. Fast forward to my adulthood, my husband is the second addict that I have had a relationship with. I am definitely attracted to the sick ones and have an overwhelming compulsion to give advice and control them. I am finally coming to terms with letting go of my control and focus on myself. It's a daily battle and I'm glad I have this group to come to for inspiration.

Well, anyways, howdy all. Thanks for having me.

Ann

Welcome HappyPoppy, glad you found us. Take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top and hopefully you will find some information that may help you along.

I am so sorry for your family history of substance abuse but glad you are reaching out to rise above it and find your own safe place in all this.

Hugs

Hechosedrugs

Happypoppy,

You are right to be afraid that your little ones might get their hands on his pills mine did. And my AX, who knew full well that's what had happened, told the hospital staff my son must have gotten into the laundry detergent- that he had brought him a bottle of laundry detergent earlier that day. (We buy the giant jugs- there is no way a two-year-old could have picked one of those up, and moreover, way to try to place the blame on me, as if I don't secure chemicals well enough). Anyway, thank God my son lived. But he may not have. And I should have left right then and there. Because seeing his son at death's door was not enough to end his addiction. But the crazy codependent in me must have subconsciously thought our marriage was enough, because I threatened divorce time and again thinking he would finally reach bottom. He hasn't. And he has everyone around us fooled- even fooled family court. Now I'm just hoping he'll fail a drug test, but I know he may not. It's all so difficult to prove abuse of prescribed drugs. But if I had gotten out then when all of this was fresh- when a social worker at the hospital overheard him lying, when there was absolute proof that he was in the throws of addiction, my kids might be safe today. But because he's been able to keep things under wraps since then, he looks to outsiders like a recovered addict, and is applauded for the changes he's made. I know the truth- that he's gotten progressively worse. I've seen some crazy, crazy things, and so have my kids. Wish I'd gotten out earlier. I can't tell you what to do, but I hope you don't wind up saying the same.

HappyPoppy

I'm so sorry that happened to you and to your kids. I do understand the severity of it all and I am not ignoring my feelings about the dangers that exist with my kids in this living situation. But, I wonder that it would be even more dangerous if he was to have custody of them and they would stay with dad all alone. I think my kids are at risk either way having a dad that is dependent on these pills.

HappyPoppy

Thank you for the welcome. I have checked out the stickies and have already finished two books on codependency by Melody Beattie. She was recommended on this board. She's awesome.

HappyPoppy

"It's all so difficult to prove abuse of prescribed drugs. "


That's what his reasoning is. Since it was prescribed by a psychiatrist, it must be A-ok! I think he would really benefit going to a doc that specializes in addiction. Because they would see through his act. He's very well versed in medicine, being a doctor himself, and he knows exactly how to get what he wants. Yes, he does have ADHD, but does he really need Adderall to treat it when he has such an addictive personality? It's very frustrating.

He doesn't talk to me about his meds because I honestly don't want to know. I try to stay out of it and let him deal with it himself. The only reason I know about the Adderall after him taking it for years without me knowing, was when I found a pill bottle on the ground that fell out of his bag. Then he came clean saying he's been taking them for years and they don't even work anymore and he's tired of taking them. The pills not working, means they're not giving him the same high. I did notice a big change in his personality the last few years. He's become super aggressive and being around him is very unpleasant.

But I know it's not the Adderall, it's him. If it was Adderall, it would be something else. Even if all the drugs were gone and he never dealt with his underlying issues, he would turn to food, spending, porn.

The drugs are just a symptom of a deeper illness. I forgot to mention in my OP, his brother committed suicide when my husband was 12 and my husband found his body in the basement covered in blood. It's been a trauma he has never dealt with because the memories are just too painful.

AnvilheadII

i'm sorry your AH had such experiences at a young age....but here is the problem. if you stay focused on HIM and keep giving him a pass because of HIS childhood, your own children are now left to experience the damage of an active addict in THEIR lives.....and it all just continues, for another generation.

it's tough as a wife and a parent, but you have to choose.....focus all your energy on your addicted spouse, OR on what is best and safest and most healthy for your children. your AH is an adult and can fend for himself. your children have NO CHOICE.

Hechosedrugs

Maybe, maybe not. If he's determined to keep using, he will justify it any way possible.

When I threatened my husband with divorce if he didn't go to rehab, he simply pretended to go. He'd call me every night to talk about meetings and how much progress he was making. Come to find out he was simply living in his car. So I finally got him in a lockdown facility. Same deal- he'd call me and talk about how much progress he was making in group and that he'd finally seen the light. Then I got a call from one of the counselors there. He said he was calling me because he could spot an addict's lies from a mile away. He said my husband was in complete denial- that he claimed to have no problem whatsoever and was only there because I was being irrational. I asked if he'd talked about our son ingesting his pills. Nope. I asked if he had been honest with the group about the amount he was taking- that not only was he on the maximum dosage, but that he was also buying them illegally. Nope.

Anyway, like I said, the counselor already knew something was up. He knew my husband was hiding something and needed help. He was a trained professional who blew my husband's lies wide open. But it didn't matter. Nothing did.

It has to be the user's choice, it really does. Anything we do to help them will only make them resent us. My husband got to the point where he practically hated me.

I know what you mean, though, about fearing him having more custody if you leave. My husband sees our kids more now than he did while we were together. I just pray that they're safe- that's all I can do. He'll lose interest sooner or later. He's already starting to request days off.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Take care of yourself.

HappyPoppy

Thank you for your wise words. I always appreciate your comments on others' threads. I have been working very hard learning some new job skills so I can be financially independent and hopefully be able to work from home and take care of my kids at the same time. Dependence breeds resentment and I desperately want my independence.

HappyPoppy

Oh my gosh. Addicts would certainly make great fiction writers. They are really wasting their talents.