Co-dependent relationship after addiction
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Co-dependent relationship after addiction
Greetings all,
My husband has been clean and sober for 2 years. When he got sober, we both decided that his mother who is a complete and admitted codependent and enabeler should be kept at arms length and out of our relationship. She was instrumental in his using and never let him hit rock bottom, so he never had a reason to quit.
Recently, she has worked her way back into our daily lives. He sneaks around and had lunch and breakfast dates with her (he doesn't have to, we've never had that many restrictions) but he lies about it or just forgets to tell me. She often will go to the side jobs hes working or help him shop for supplies for the jobs, this seems weird to me....and he avoids telling me or lies about it. I should say that his mom about 59 years old, is single and has been for 30 years, on disability (but seems to do quite a lot) and has no life other than her 2 sons who she has completely lost herself in their lives. I don't usually comment about her unless it gets to be too much and intereferes with our marriage or family.
So, one day while I am at work and I assume that my h is at his job, my mother n law and husband decide to leave the kids at home alone (with no indication of where they are going) and drive 2 hours out of town so my MIL can purchase a new truck for my husband. I have no clue this is happening... I get home and they kids say, he left earlier and they have no idea where he is...
They come back home with a new truck....mind you, I am the only one who pays the bills! I am the only one with an income. I later find out that the truck payment is 360.00 per month for 6 years!!! and im still not sure what the insurance payment is...its in my MIL's name but my H is to make payments to her...he has no job, she is on disability...Im the only one with a job and I have 3 kids!!!!
I bit my tongue for about a month. The other day, he mentioned that his mother was bringing come little cousins over to visit, I asked what day of the week and what time and he completely flipped out because I asked this! Started accusing me of keeping things from him, and some other really ugly other things. I cant even ask what plans they have made without being cussed out. I dont even feel like we are married anymore. He started calling me controlling and said it was because I had a bad childhood...so many words for such a simple inquiry.
Hes been very nasty and flying off the handle lately. His dependent/co-dependent scenario is all lined up again, I think its only a matter of time before hes using again, if he hasnt already....hes so jeckyl and hyde again and I have that anxious feeling In my chest that used to be there when he was using.
I suggested counseling so we can work through this and create some healthy boundaries and responded with accusing me of cheating on him and then proceeded to say he didnt want to be with me anymore because Im too controlling....Said that hes thankful for his mothers "help" (which he doesnt see as destructive anymore)
She helped to keep him sick for many years, now shes keeping him dependent on her...
Please help!
My husband has been clean and sober for 2 years. When he got sober, we both decided that his mother who is a complete and admitted codependent and enabeler should be kept at arms length and out of our relationship. She was instrumental in his using and never let him hit rock bottom, so he never had a reason to quit.
Recently, she has worked her way back into our daily lives. He sneaks around and had lunch and breakfast dates with her (he doesn't have to, we've never had that many restrictions) but he lies about it or just forgets to tell me. She often will go to the side jobs hes working or help him shop for supplies for the jobs, this seems weird to me....and he avoids telling me or lies about it. I should say that his mom about 59 years old, is single and has been for 30 years, on disability (but seems to do quite a lot) and has no life other than her 2 sons who she has completely lost herself in their lives. I don't usually comment about her unless it gets to be too much and intereferes with our marriage or family.
So, one day while I am at work and I assume that my h is at his job, my mother n law and husband decide to leave the kids at home alone (with no indication of where they are going) and drive 2 hours out of town so my MIL can purchase a new truck for my husband. I have no clue this is happening... I get home and they kids say, he left earlier and they have no idea where he is...
They come back home with a new truck....mind you, I am the only one who pays the bills! I am the only one with an income. I later find out that the truck payment is 360.00 per month for 6 years!!! and im still not sure what the insurance payment is...its in my MIL's name but my H is to make payments to her...he has no job, she is on disability...Im the only one with a job and I have 3 kids!!!!
I bit my tongue for about a month. The other day, he mentioned that his mother was bringing come little cousins over to visit, I asked what day of the week and what time and he completely flipped out because I asked this! Started accusing me of keeping things from him, and some other really ugly other things. I cant even ask what plans they have made without being cussed out. I dont even feel like we are married anymore. He started calling me controlling and said it was because I had a bad childhood...so many words for such a simple inquiry.
Hes been very nasty and flying off the handle lately. His dependent/co-dependent scenario is all lined up again, I think its only a matter of time before hes using again, if he hasnt already....hes so jeckyl and hyde again and I have that anxious feeling In my chest that used to be there when he was using.
I suggested counseling so we can work through this and create some healthy boundaries and responded with accusing me of cheating on him and then proceeded to say he didnt want to be with me anymore because Im too controlling....Said that hes thankful for his mothers "help" (which he doesnt see as destructive anymore)
She helped to keep him sick for many years, now shes keeping him dependent on her...
Please help!
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I am going to be blunt, there is no doubt in my mind that he is already using again. I am recovering heroin addict and your post was filled with red flags. Sneaky behavior, going one zero to one hundred in a second from a simple question, hiding seeing his mother, going and making rash purchases without consulting you (as a wife and partner in life and also the only making the money in the relationship. He went from keeping his mother at arms length to leaning/communicating with her in secret and now seeing her quite often without likeing being asked what they are doing or when they are seeing each other (very normal everyday questions in a relationship), and lashing out at you saying you are controlling, accusing you of cheating out of no where, and saying he wants out of the relationship. I am a recovering addict and all those red flags describes my live as an active addict to a T. I am not saying all these things to hurt you, I listed them out since sometimes it is hard to see a situation clearly unless it is spelled out (at least it is that way with me).
I am sorry you are hurting, take everything with a grain of salt remember this isn't because YOU are not being rational, caring, or a normal wife- it is about him deflecting and trying to take the attention off of himself.
HUGS. Do you have a support system you can lean on in person? He might now want to go to counseling but that doesn't mean you can't go for yourself. I am a HUGE advocate for counseling no matter what the situation- I feel like everyone can learn something and better themselves through counseling.
I am sorry you are hurting, take everything with a grain of salt remember this isn't because YOU are not being rational, caring, or a normal wife- it is about him deflecting and trying to take the attention off of himself.
HUGS. Do you have a support system you can lean on in person? He might now want to go to counseling but that doesn't mean you can't go for yourself. I am a HUGE advocate for counseling no matter what the situation- I feel like everyone can learn something and better themselves through counseling.
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Thank you, thank you, thank you! I thought there was something very wrong with his response to my asking for us to find a counselor to see, distracting and deflecting from the issue. I needed to hear this... really. When he was using before and I figured it out, he denied it and told everyone I was crazy and losing my mind. I was just being paranoid and controlling. His mother believed him and wouldnt listen to me no matter how many signs were there. She turned on me and tried to have me kicked out of my house with my children and moved him into his own place and set him up quite nicely (with no job) where he could sit and smoke crack all day without a wife or kids to interrupt him.
This is all my fault and I'm the irrational one....perfectly normal to have a bank account in your moms name and let her sign for a truck when you have no job. He did have 500.00 but spent it all on a fancy kayak...also disappeared to another city 2 hours away to purchase without discussion....leaving kids home alone without a clue while I'm working...
Wow, youre so so so right... what now?
He left earlier after telling me what a POS I am...backing his new truck into a tree during his tantrum...karma...
This is all my fault and I'm the irrational one....perfectly normal to have a bank account in your moms name and let her sign for a truck when you have no job. He did have 500.00 but spent it all on a fancy kayak...also disappeared to another city 2 hours away to purchase without discussion....leaving kids home alone without a clue while I'm working...
Wow, youre so so so right... what now?
He left earlier after telling me what a POS I am...backing his new truck into a tree during his tantrum...karma...
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you do NOT have to pay for that truck. you had nothing to do with the purchase, it is not in your name or even your AH's name. you owe them NOTHING.
in fact, you don't have to put up with this nonsense anymore, it just will take a series of steps to change things. and that can seem daunting. but if i was in a life raft, and the other guy was poking holes in the hull, i'd pitch them OUT of the raft and get busy sealing the holes so i don't SINK.
in fact, you don't have to put up with this nonsense anymore, it just will take a series of steps to change things. and that can seem daunting. but if i was in a life raft, and the other guy was poking holes in the hull, i'd pitch them OUT of the raft and get busy sealing the holes so i don't SINK.
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It's so typical for an addict to make up an excuse then storm out so they can go tell themselves they have to use because they are so stressed because of his controlling mean wife. So typical.
I think you need to do what is best for YOU and your children. You are the bread winner so obviously you would be able to support yourself so you ahead of many others who have addict wives or husbands. I wouldn't do anything rash, maybe find a counselor and start making a plan that you could or could not put into action if you choose to. I would also start creating a strong support system of family and friends because this is an emotional hard time. Have you been to Al-non- it helps to know you are not alone and many people who go to those meetings know a lot of resources that are out there.
You are NOT alone, and this is NOT your fault. No matter what insults he throws your way or what he tries to blame on you- this is HIS choice, HE decided to do this, and HE is the irrational one NOT you. Also remember, you are a lot stronger then you might think you are at this moment. You are self sufficient and strong and your children are SO lucky to have you.
I think you need to do what is best for YOU and your children. You are the bread winner so obviously you would be able to support yourself so you ahead of many others who have addict wives or husbands. I wouldn't do anything rash, maybe find a counselor and start making a plan that you could or could not put into action if you choose to. I would also start creating a strong support system of family and friends because this is an emotional hard time. Have you been to Al-non- it helps to know you are not alone and many people who go to those meetings know a lot of resources that are out there.
You are NOT alone, and this is NOT your fault. No matter what insults he throws your way or what he tries to blame on you- this is HIS choice, HE decided to do this, and HE is the irrational one NOT you. Also remember, you are a lot stronger then you might think you are at this moment. You are self sufficient and strong and your children are SO lucky to have you.
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I need to figure out how to get out! He's gone, left me because I'm so terrible.... For the first time ever, through the cycle of addiction and abuse, I'm happy that he's gone. I know he will eventually be back so I'm searching for an apartment ASAP. Really can't stay here. His mother lives 3 miles away. It's just too close for me to even attempt to separate and recover. He told me that he has too bad of a past for me to handle to find someone else, but that's so so so far from my mind.
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I think that sounds like a good plan. Is he on the bank account? It might be a good deal to make sure he can't empty your funds either our of spite of just to buy his drugs. Wow his mom lives 3 miles away, oh hell no I would be moving too- that is WAY too close for comfort.
Good for you for taking control of your life. He is not ready to be in recovery and his mother is obviously not going to stop enabling so who knows what will happen. You are not responsible for him and you don't have to stay on the crazy train and wait to find out.
I have to go to bed, but please know you can ALWAYS PM me.
Good for you for taking control of your life. He is not ready to be in recovery and his mother is obviously not going to stop enabling so who knows what will happen. You are not responsible for him and you don't have to stay on the crazy train and wait to find out.
I have to go to bed, but please know you can ALWAYS PM me.
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Thank you. You said every thing I needed to hear. This unhealthy relationship between he and his mother will never stop and he's likely been using on and off for a few months now that I really think about it. She refused to believe he was using even after he hocked her television. He then hocked something of his brothers 1200.00 moped, she replaced it with her disability income, so there wouldn't be any family problems. This will never ever stop. Ever.... I can't lie to myself anymore and assume it will ever be any different. What's the definition of insanity? Repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result... Something like that.
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Oh, and he is not on the account. I never felt safe doing so because he's an addict and I know he could wipe out my means to care for my kids with one night of relapse. I live paycheck to paycheck and don't have a savings at all. He and his mom share an account... Go figure.
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I'm so sorry to hear this. I dealt with an overbearing, enabling MIL. They are the worst. My STBX stole my identity, amassing over $40,000 debt in my name in one year, nearly killed my kids more than once with his irresponsible behavior, cheated on me with our skanky mail lady, and so on and so on and so on. But guess who all my anger and resentment is focused on? MIL. I just can't stand the woman. I think a lot of it is that I blame her for his behavior.
I had filed for divorce in November, and STBX said he was willing to do anything to get me back. He said he would sign a postnuptial agreement that he would refrain from drugs, along with other provisions. I said I wouldn't even consider reconciling unless the postnup specified that his mother never appear on our property again. That's how much it meant to me! He agreed, but of course, an addicts word is worthless, and that document proved to be, as well.
Anyway, just a little anecdote to let you know you're not alone.
I had filed for divorce in November, and STBX said he was willing to do anything to get me back. He said he would sign a postnuptial agreement that he would refrain from drugs, along with other provisions. I said I wouldn't even consider reconciling unless the postnup specified that his mother never appear on our property again. That's how much it meant to me! He agreed, but of course, an addicts word is worthless, and that document proved to be, as well.
Anyway, just a little anecdote to let you know you're not alone.
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I'm so sorry to hear that you went through so much, but glad to hear that I'm not alone. We expect a parent to be a positive force in a persons life. A parent is supposed to set boundaries and help a person thrive and be independent and healthy. I'm not sure what mental disfunction causes them to be permissive of such destruction, even harder to understand how a parent can encourage or take part in their child's destruction. I'm very angry at her, as this is not the first time she has crossed some major lines. I did confront her, she made excuses and lied to my face, which I called her out on as well. I think she secretly loves to see turmoil. Her marriage was a failure, so why should anyone else be happy. I really think that she has used him as a pseudo-husband for so long that she really missed that when we got married. He does everything for her, whatever she asks and vice versa.
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What is it with the MIL's?! Mine is so similar. She gets my blood boiling! She has been enabling my AH for sooooo many years. She was paying some of our bills without telling me, because he didn't have the money. I asked years ago to allow me to take over the mortgage (our house is in their name) and she wouldn't let me. I couldn't figure out why, but when I realized my AH was using again it all made sense. I'm am so sorry you are going through this! It sounds like you are making the right decision by moving forward without him. A marriage should be a partnership not where you are the only one contributing financially. Three kids is a lot of work and I totally commend you for pretty much raising them all by yourself!! We are here when you need us...this is an amazing site!! It has been a life saver for me during this crazy time in my life. XX
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Wow, Sunshine. She has total control with the house being in her name. What a way to make sure she always has a strong foot hold. The house we live in belongs to the MIL's best friend. I'm sure my landlord (who doesn't know me) hears that I'm a terrible person on a daily basis. Time to move out for sure. Do you really think that they are so ignorant or blind that they don't know that their sons are using again? They MUST know. I think that my MIL secretly loves when my husband is using. It makes him need her more and keeps him weak. So gross, selfish and destructive.
This site had kept me sane for a few years now. Reading the stories posted by others made me feel like I wasn't alone. When you live with an addict who is lying about using, the mental illness is infectious. I felt, at times, just as sick as he was. It's contagious for sure. Thanks for your support.
This site had kept me sane for a few years now. Reading the stories posted by others made me feel like I wasn't alone. When you live with an addict who is lying about using, the mental illness is infectious. I felt, at times, just as sick as he was. It's contagious for sure. Thanks for your support.
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You are so right...I'm sure your MIL prefers when he's using because then he leans on her more and looks at you like the bad guy. She essentially can feel needed again as I'm sure she didn't like it one bit when she was kept at arms length. With all the evidence I have given to my MIL about my AH she still comments that "he seems fine". I'm not sure these men will never shapen up when they have mom to lean on. Ugh grow up! As anvilheadll said, you do NOT need to be paying for that car.
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You're so right. I can't pay for it, and even if I could, I wasn't included in the decision making process so why should I be responsible for it. Moreover, I can't be in a menage' trios marriage with he and his mommy. Also, he started smoking pot again about 6 months ago but swears that it won't effect his sobriety. Does anyone know how this works? So if say, a crack addict says they are "sober" because they are not using specifically, crack, but smokes weed on the daily, does this equal sobriety. Look I'm not claiming to be an angel, but I've never done anything harder than pot and that only 2x I'm my life. I'm not sure how this works. Some people are able to smoke pot and its not an issue. But for an addict, I assume it's different? He swears it's different and points out that my brother (who's much younger) smoked pot and he's not a "bad person" I'm confused about a lot of things.
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I wouldn't spend one more dime on him. For people who use any substance or abuse alcohol - it's an enabling situation, one way or another.
One day you will tire of how you feel doing this dance each day. And then after about 6 months you will wonder why you couldn't see things clearly - sooner.
I dated my highschool sweetheart for 3 1/2 yrs. He had dragged me on my elbows across a driveway. When I broke up, he ripped my coat sleeve off, followed me to a place i worked at, ranted and locked me in a room. He died young 20's. I spent almost 20 yrs with a problem drinker who abused me in so many ways. I had him removed from the home. He died last year. I spent 3 years with an addict trying to save him to the cost of 160k. He killed himself.
Can you see my problem ?
I couldn't
but it is right here in black and white.
I denied my codependency and work furiously on it each day. I don't want to cause anyone any pain, I certainly don't want to cause myself any either.
I wish you strength during this time. Cutting all communication and running for yours and your children's lives ... only solution. To end it for your future, keep reading, keep sharing, attend meetings in your area ... It never changes, until we are ready. I'm living proof.
Hugs
Joie
One day you will tire of how you feel doing this dance each day. And then after about 6 months you will wonder why you couldn't see things clearly - sooner.
I dated my highschool sweetheart for 3 1/2 yrs. He had dragged me on my elbows across a driveway. When I broke up, he ripped my coat sleeve off, followed me to a place i worked at, ranted and locked me in a room. He died young 20's. I spent almost 20 yrs with a problem drinker who abused me in so many ways. I had him removed from the home. He died last year. I spent 3 years with an addict trying to save him to the cost of 160k. He killed himself.
Can you see my problem ?
I couldn't
but it is right here in black and white.
I denied my codependency and work furiously on it each day. I don't want to cause anyone any pain, I certainly don't want to cause myself any either.
I wish you strength during this time. Cutting all communication and running for yours and your children's lives ... only solution. To end it for your future, keep reading, keep sharing, attend meetings in your area ... It never changes, until we are ready. I'm living proof.
Hugs
Joie
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Thank you Joie, I'm sorry that you went through so much and I think you're right that after a while, when the smoke clears and the emotions are not as heightened and fresh, I will have a different perspective.
I've learned a lot to trust my gut, I certainly cannot trust him. So, he came home, after
Leaving voluntarily yesterday, saying he didn't want to be with me anymore... To tell me that he wanted to work on the marriage. He said some pretty god awful things to me yesterday. I again said we needed some time and to go to counseling and that was the only way. He said we didn't need a separation to work on the marriage and made it a point to tell me that if we had to separate, there would be no marriage. He then made a lot of "I" statements. Never once said that he would miss me or the kids but talked about his OCD and how once he got all of his things where he wanted them then he wouldn't want to come back to the chaos of a house with 3 kids..and he needs consistency in his life.what!?
Also accused me of cheating on him during a family beach trip, I spent too long using the bathroom in the lobby every morning, as there was only one bathroom in the hotel room and there were 5 people waiting to use it. That equated to my cheating on him somehow.
I pointed out to him that he is the one that creates chaos, each and every time there is turmoil, he is the source. Also, reminded him that separation will allow both of us to take a breath and not keep each other angry and frustrated, until we can get some help and a plan. He huffed and puffed and left again. Ugh, meanwhile his weed dealer was blowing up his phone.
I've learned a lot to trust my gut, I certainly cannot trust him. So, he came home, after
Leaving voluntarily yesterday, saying he didn't want to be with me anymore... To tell me that he wanted to work on the marriage. He said some pretty god awful things to me yesterday. I again said we needed some time and to go to counseling and that was the only way. He said we didn't need a separation to work on the marriage and made it a point to tell me that if we had to separate, there would be no marriage. He then made a lot of "I" statements. Never once said that he would miss me or the kids but talked about his OCD and how once he got all of his things where he wanted them then he wouldn't want to come back to the chaos of a house with 3 kids..and he needs consistency in his life.what!?
Also accused me of cheating on him during a family beach trip, I spent too long using the bathroom in the lobby every morning, as there was only one bathroom in the hotel room and there were 5 people waiting to use it. That equated to my cheating on him somehow.
I pointed out to him that he is the one that creates chaos, each and every time there is turmoil, he is the source. Also, reminded him that separation will allow both of us to take a breath and not keep each other angry and frustrated, until we can get some help and a plan. He huffed and puffed and left again. Ugh, meanwhile his weed dealer was blowing up his phone.
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HE doesn't get the final say...this isn't about just HIM.....your needs are equal and living this chaotic life is unhealthy for you and the kids. he isn't having any change of heart, just a change of attack.
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Thank you Anvilhead. You're so right. A total chance of attack. I felt very off-put by his "effort" or lack there of. It felt wrong to even engage with him. It didn't even feel like he was remorseful and was still attacking me for things that are completely irrational. I just need to keep him away from me for now.
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