LostInSpace123

I last wrote in January about pushing my recovering addict away. Well he came back. Told me he realized what he lost and wants us to be together again in March. I took him back. After a few weeks I saw he was texting other girls and I confronted him. He said I thought we were taking it slow I don't meet with them I just like to talk to them. After that we went to my therapist together. I can't say that I got a lot of out it but whatever. Fast forward to May I found out he was on match.com and I also suspected he relapsed. Promised me the world and that he wasn't on drugs. We got even closer. A month later I found needles in his pockets. He was using again. His family didn't want him home. They told me to keep him with me until he detoxes and can get the vivitrol shot. I love his family so much also. A month later after dealing with doctors and insurance I finally was able to get him the shot. I drove him to meetings I picked up his perscriptions. He seemed great. We discussed him moving in. We thought that it would be great for his recovery. I brought him home the day before his shot because his family wanted to take him. The next day after he got the shot he found out one of his old using friends was in the hospital diagnosed with MS. He went to see him and never called me when he got home. I asked him to. The next day he called me and everything seemed fine. He did sound different. Just off. Like deeper voice no pep whatever. I wanted to speak to him and explain to him that it hurts me when he can't even text me to let me know that he got home. That I don't even rate enough that he could even consider texting me when he got home. He didn't accept that very well and we got into a small fight. Didn't speak to him for two days after he lived with me for a month. He was ignoring my calls and texts. I called his mother to get him on the phone but he refused. He wouldn't speak to me. He finally texts me that I need to leave him alone because he wants to focus on himself and he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. Texted me the following morning saying that he is sorry for the way he is acting and he's going through something and he'll call me when his head is clear. Keeps texting me once a week that he's sorry and his emotions are all over the place and that he's having a hard time because his friend with MS also has cancer. I ignored him for days but my friend told me to just answer that I'm sorry he's going though that a few days later. That turned into a conversation about how he sees clearly now and he knows he can't hurt me anymore because he would be hurting himself and no one has ever been there for him through the good and bad like me. And I asked him what he wants from me and he said not to be upset with him. No clue at all how he makes me feel. Doesn't care that he rips my world apart. He shows up at my house a few days later to pick up a motorcycle and asked me why I was being such a bitch to him. Then he says he'll meet up with me in a few days so we can talk. I texted him the night we were supposed to meet up that I can't do it anymore. That he pushes all the good in his life away. And that all the blessings he has with his life and his family are taken for granted by him. No response. He walks around fine. No sadness nothing. After he texted me that he was having a hard time I texted his sister and told him what he said and she said ignore him he's fine and not to give in because he treats me terrible.

I can't keep doing this. It's literally killing me. I don't understand why I love him so much and this power he has over me. I need to be able to tell him he is insane and leave me alone for my own good when he shows up again. I know he will. It's so hard because we could have had the best life together but he just can't be satisfied with normal. He is still constantly chasing a high. As soon as we broke up he was right now tinder dating. He's smoking pot because he says his nerves are a mess from the shot. Never him. Always an excuse. How do I resist him!? I can't stop crying I'm sad for what I've allowed him to do to me. I'm sad the fake future I saw with him will never be. He's ruined me. But why do I still love him!

hopeful4

First off, I am sorry you are hurting.

Secondly, how shameful of his family to basically push him off on you. They don't want him in their lives, so they encourage you to take him in so he can destruct your life? That's terrible. They should have encouraged you to keep him away from you.

The reality is, love is not enough. It never has been, nor will it ever be. Someone in active addiction has one love, and that is their next fix. He is not going to be the man you want him to be, nor the man you love. You are being used. A man who loves and deserves you would not be talking to other women.

I encourage you to go to a therapist who deals with addiction, alone. Someone who can help you heal, and who can also help you be stronger and know that you deserve more.

I say all this gently because I know it's hard and that it hurts.

LostInSpace123

I know his family shouldn't have put it on me but their reasoning was if he left me he wouldn't go anywhere good. His family and I are close. They appreciated me. He never did. I may switch to an addiction therapist. That's a great tip. I feel his ups and downs are a sign of bipolar or personality disorder. He just doesn't care about how he affects other people and honestly it's shocking to me. I told him he needs therapy because there something wrong with him. He said he agreed and he needs someone to show and tell him the right way. It's so sad because his potential is amazing and I fell in love with potential not him.

Ariesagain

His ups and downs may be just as simple as being high or being in withdrawal.

We all look for some underlying reason that a person is addicted that can be addressed and that will make everything okay once it's just understood.

While it's true that often there is an underlying problem that may make addiction more likely, addiction is a biochemical process. Brain cells have been altered by repeated exposure to an addictive chemical and those brain cells take over.

Take care of you.

LostInSpace123

I told him he's going to regret this and I won't. I know he'll regret it. He has already told me he has. He has never had to face any consequences in his whole life. I just really don't understand how he can hurt people and not care at all. I guarantee he thinks I'll forgive him for this. Blame it on the shot blame it on I was high blah blah blah. I asked him that and he said he does it to his parents too so that means he really does care about me but can't control himself. The stuff they come up with I swear you can't make it up if you try!

elissa1962

Its addict 101. Nothing unique here, lol.

LostInSpace123

I'm just really scared its going to happen again when he shows up. I'm not strong enough against him.

Ann

Sweetie, as I read your posts, I feel your pain but I also keep hearing what he says, what he wants, what he does...he's an addict doing what addicts do and that means not being capable of a healthy relationship.

What do you say about you? What can you do to help you?

The relationship with him is toxic and you're the one getting sick.

Please reach out for help for yourself, take care of yourself without him because you are truly worthy of a life better than any of this.

The dream turned into a nightmare, so maybe wake up and start healing and finding your courage to live a healthier life.

Hugs

Sunshine1234

I can relate to how you feel. I left my AH about 4 months ago and the clarity I have being out of his constant manipulation is astounding. I thought I was so aware of what was going on around me but not until I pulled myself out of the environment with him did I truly begin to unravel all of his layers. I am on this site every day reading others stories and I was shocked at first when I realized how similar he was to other addicts. As someone said "addict 101". If you are willing, give yourself some time away from him to just clear your head. "More will be revealed" as I was told on here by someone. How right they were! The lies just keep being revealed. It's truly amazing how much you can see when you are out of the relationship. Lots of hugs...it's painful stuff

LostInSpace123

I am more then willing for time away from him. His problem is he just shows up at my house and begs me to take him back and about how he's changed. I'm stronger then I was last time. I'm smarter then I was last time. I know he can't be trusted and he needs to make real changes in his life, physically, mentally and spiritually. He is not in recovery he is just clean. And I'm finally looking to get what is best for me and not for others. I'm almost at the point where I would rather be by myself then with anyone again after all I've been through with him and my x husband. I never knew how to make myself a priority. I grew up in a house where my mom did everything for us and my father. I have a daughter. So when people say take care of yourself I don't even know what that means.

Hechosedrugs

It seems like addicts are notorious for using dating sites immediately after a breakup. I just found one of my STBX's credit card statements and learned he's on 4 of them. Remember, their number one concern is to maintain their addiction, and they know that having a partner helps them do that. So they're not terribly picky- they move on to their next relationship fast. And to us, it can look like they're really happy, that they found what they were always looking for, that we weren't enough, and that they're going to give their new love all the things we ever hoped for. But they don't. they put them through the same hell they put us through. And then they do it to their next victim, and on and on. Meanwhile, if we're careful not to repeat our patterns, and are vigilant of the red flags we've learned about, slowly but surely we find love. A deep and meaningful relationship- what we always wanted and deserved.

I'm telling you this, because even though it doesn't sound like you're dealing with him having found a new love- even though he's crawling back to you at the moment- I want you to prepare for it. Because it's devastating, and can really mess us up.

Just remember why you're leaving him. Don't concern yourself with his being on Tinder- that will only make your jealousy kick in and make you want to "win" him back. I am completely disgusted with my STBXH right now, but the thought of him being with another girl drives me crazy. It makes me nostalgic for all the good times, but I need to stay strong. You do, too.

kittycat3

Take care of yourself in my opinion means - go to therapy, go to al-anon. Have the courage to stand up for yourself when he shows up and say, sorry I can't have you over right now. Tell him to call you when he's banked a year of sobriety, and don't sit around waiting for that call.
You have an addiction just like he does, called codependency - you need to address it. Read Codependent No More. Figure out why you think "this" is love - I can assure you it is not.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is harsh. You are not alone ....but you do have to be your best advocate. Do it for your daughter, show her there is so much more to life than this.