gainingstrength

No need to respond, but just wanted to share.

So far it's been a few days of no contact, and the initial feeling of my heart being ripped from my chest has subsided. My life has been in complete chaos since March, but if I were to be truly honest, for the last 4 or so years.

I've started seeing a therapist and started depression and antianxiety meds. This has definitely helped, and is possibly why I don't feel so hopeless or obsessive. I'm taking the bar exam in 9 days so anxiety is hitting it's peak. But, the house is peaceful with him not here. Lonely, but calm, with no air of negativity. Unfortunately I live in a small town so al-anon is only once a week and the group is rather quiet most of the time - lots of silence. But hopefully when I move there will be more variety.

I miss him, but I'm finally getting to the point of just being sad our relationship didn't work. I know deep down he will never change and that breaks my heart. I'm finally understanding that and really just pity him now.

It's important to remember my future will be good without him, or anyone else for that matter. Thanks for reading!

maia1234

G,
Good luck on taking the bar exam, that is your priority!! Us codies need to take one day at a time also. Thinking about the future is so far off and out of your control.

Sending you positive vibes that you will pass with flying colors!!

Eauchiche

I just heard a talk on YouTube that Victor Hugo believed that pity was the highest emotion in the universe, not love. Makes me wonder if there was addiction in his family!!!
Thanks for sharing here. Keep coming back.

dandylion

gainingstrength.....I just want to tell you, for sure, that you will feel better, in time.
There will be a time that you will laugh, again.....

I relate to the exam activity. I am a PA and have to take medical boards every 6yrs. to keep my license. 6mo, of intensive review each time....and I am a complete mess...M.E.S.S....each time!!
I had a friend who was taking the D.C. bar for the first time....I had to give him anti-diahrreal drugs for the week of the exam. (he passed).....

I am going to keep my fingers crossed for you.

Please let us know when it is over....o.k....?

dandylion

gainingstrength

Whew!! I'm finally back! Flew out, took the bar, and I can only say que sera, sera. I did my best given the circumstances and have told myself it's okay if I didn't do well. There's always next time, and my mental health is way more important at this time. I can only sympathize with you, Dandylion. I imagine medical boards are equally as hard, but I imagine they're way WAY harder! Kudos to you!

The last few weeks have been insane. But I just recently moved out of AXBF's and am now back at my mom's. It was such a sad, yet bittersweet moment leaving. That was OUR home, and now it's just empty and feels heavy. Thankful to have left as it feels like a burden has been lifted.

I'm still riding the emotional rollercoaster. Deeply pained by grief of what coulda been, particularly bc he's working extremely hard at recovery. I feel shafted. I walked with him through hell only to miss out on his recovery, and the good that can come from that. But cest la vie. Our relationship was WAY too damaged. I'm still trying to work on me, but that's a slow process. I guess all we can do is just keep moving forward.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day! Thanks for being there!

Hechosedrugs

This is wonderful news! I am so glad you're finally getting a little peace, and that even though you're going through an extremely difficult time you've persevered and taken the bar exam- what an accomplishment!

I'm so sorry that your al-anon group is sometimes quiet and only meets once a week. Have you tried coda meetings? If you were in a relationship with an alcoholic, chances are you're codependent and can benefit from learning more about ways to cope with it. I've found coda meetings tend to be a little larger.

Good luck with your test results and everything else!

gainingstrength

Thanks for that!!

Fortunately, since I've come back to my mom's there are numerous al anon meetings, so I'll just jump around to figure out which ones work for me. I still wish they met more than once a week so I could get to know my "home group" better. Unfortunately, the closest coda meeting is about 1.5 hrs away, so that's out.

Also, I'm moving across country this month or next and feel like my recovery is tricky. For instance, I don't want to get a sponsor since I'm leaving so quickly. I had therapists turn me down bc I'm not going to be around longterm. It's sort of a predicament right now, I suppose. I'm going to try and find a willing therapist while I'm at my mom's. Hopefully I'll have more choices than the rural area I was living (even though my mom's is still pretty rural).

I know for sure I have abandonment issues, and many of the codependent symptoms. He's an addict, a weekend warrior where about once a year he'd fall off the face of the earth for a weekend and do drugs and other horrific things. But he'd come back, I'd leave, he'd start seeing a therapist, work AA, take his meds regularly, etc. So each time I had so much hope that this time his recovery would stick. But then a year later he'd do the same. In between our relationship was good, except for my resentments. But it always felt progressive.

It wasn't until this last time that I realized how sick I'd become and how much I let him destroy me. Each day is such a struggle now, but I know only time will heal. I just have to quit picking the scab. I now see how detrimental that is to both of us. I saw him briefly the other night and kept pushing him until he basically said he didn't care anymore - I was crushed. But it's also what I get for continuing to touch the burning stove. It's like I don't learn lessons. I need to get to the bottom of why I am so self sabotaging.

Sorry, this post was probably a big ramble, but it's nice to get it out. Heading to a new al anon meeting now. Excited, hope it'll be a good one.

hopeful4

I am really happy to hear you are taking good care of you, and seeking out therapy and Alanon. This is very good.

You are right. Quit picking the scab (ewww lol), and keep moving forward, one step at a time!

Hugs!