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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Hi I'm new and was hopping someone could help me. My husbands brother is an acholic and he started AA which we are happy about but he still blames all of us for what's happens to him and that has happened to him. He lost his job and it's everyone else's fault. We want to be there for him but it's so hard to be. Right now we have been keeping our distance cause it's been so hard. I get tired of him calling my husband names and telling him he is worthless. Then he calls and says he needs him and he's suppose to be there cause he's suppose to take care of him. I don't really understand all of this and I want to be there for my husband cause it's been hard on him. He's always been there for his brother but this has been to much.
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So sorry for the reasons that bring you here, but glad you found SR. It may be a bit quiet for the next couple of days with the 4th of July, but you will find lots of support.
Early recovery is a struggle both for the addict/alcoholic and for the friends and family. It takes quite awhile for things to change. I think you are doing the right thing to keep your distance. Let him work with a sponsor and other sober friends to work out his issues. Certainly it is no part of AA or any other recovery program that friends and family are supposed to "take care of" the recovery addict. If anything, it's learning how to live again and be responsible for himself while maintaining sobriety.
So maybe you and your husband can practice letting the phone call go to voicemail and not jumping when he says jump. As a general statement, many addicts are all about instant gratification, and learning that things don't happen that way in the real world is a part of recovery too. So believe it or not, standing back and letting him find his own way is truly being supportive!
I really hope your BIL decides to really work a program of recovery and stay sober.
Early recovery is a struggle both for the addict/alcoholic and for the friends and family. It takes quite awhile for things to change. I think you are doing the right thing to keep your distance. Let him work with a sponsor and other sober friends to work out his issues. Certainly it is no part of AA or any other recovery program that friends and family are supposed to "take care of" the recovery addict. If anything, it's learning how to live again and be responsible for himself while maintaining sobriety.
So maybe you and your husband can practice letting the phone call go to voicemail and not jumping when he says jump. As a general statement, many addicts are all about instant gratification, and learning that things don't happen that way in the real world is a part of recovery too. So believe it or not, standing back and letting him find his own way is truly being supportive!
I really hope your BIL decides to really work a program of recovery and stay sober.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Welcome to SR Worried2! It sounds like you and your husband have been through the wringer with your BIL.
Keeping your distance is exactly the right thing to do. We often call it detachment. Your BIL's sobriety is his problem to solve if he chooses to. Blaming others is very common for addicts and alcoholics. If he truly enters into recovery he will stop doing this. Only time will tell.
The book, Codependent No More is widely recommend here so give it a look if you can.
Keeping your distance is exactly the right thing to do. We often call it detachment. Your BIL's sobriety is his problem to solve if he chooses to. Blaming others is very common for addicts and alcoholics. If he truly enters into recovery he will stop doing this. Only time will tell.
The book, Codependent No More is widely recommend here so give it a look if you can.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Thank you
It has been a long almost 6 months since we tried to help and talk to him. It has been bad for longer then that. Never really wanted to get together since he was trashed by the time we got together. I truly hope he is giving his all into the program. Thank you very much for telling me we are doing the right thing. We want to be there for him but I also don't think he's truly ready to be honest. I want to tell him we are proud of him but I do believe that's what he is searching for just a pat on the back but he still has a very long way to go.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 168
Don't feel obligated to have a relationship with him just because he's in AA. Neither you, nor your husband owe him anything. If you need to cut him off for awhile, don't feel guilty (I have a feeling this would be easier for you than your husband however).
I remember when I first got into NA - I loved the blame game! It meant I didn't have to look at my ****. When I got a sponsor, I kept hearing, "...but what is your part in that situation?". I didn't like hearing that lol.
I remember when I first got into NA - I loved the blame game! It meant I didn't have to look at my ****. When I got a sponsor, I kept hearing, "...but what is your part in that situation?". I didn't like hearing that lol.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Welcome.
Please read the stickies at the top of the forum. They will go into detail and help you understand some of his behaviors. You are not entitled to engage.
Glad you are here. Keep posting, keep reading.
Please read the stickies at the top of the forum. They will go into detail and help you understand some of his behaviors. You are not entitled to engage.
Glad you are here. Keep posting, keep reading.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
My ex lost his business due to his drug use and his bad decisions. While he was incarcerated and going through withdrawal his brother went to visit him and the visit was anything but pleasant for his brother. He asked his brother to call all of his clients and tell them he’s going to be tied up for a week or so and will contact them to re-schedule appointments etc. His brother did not call them because he knew my ex was going to be tied up far longer than a week or two. He was in jail for 12 days then went into a 30 day rehab then a 3 week step down program – which he left early despite the advice of the professionals and went into a sober living home. So at least 3 months had passed and he reached out to some of his clients asking if his brother had notified them that he had been in a bad car accident and he was furious with his brother for not calling them.
3 months clean/sober and still lying, still not understanding the unrealistic position he had put his brother in and the expectation that the brother should have just lied, made up a story about a car accident or something….bla bla bla…………….the addict still trying to claw his way back towards using.
Years passed and he still blamed his brother for losing his business. The depths of addiction run deep very deep and usually it’s best not to swim in those waters with them.
I think it’s not only fair but certainly justified for you and your husband to step back, detach from the alcoholic in him who’s trying to claw his way towards drinking.
It’s not mean or unkind or un-loving – detaching is healthy all around.
3 months clean/sober and still lying, still not understanding the unrealistic position he had put his brother in and the expectation that the brother should have just lied, made up a story about a car accident or something….bla bla bla…………….the addict still trying to claw his way back towards using.
Years passed and he still blamed his brother for losing his business. The depths of addiction run deep very deep and usually it’s best not to swim in those waters with them.
I think it’s not only fair but certainly justified for you and your husband to step back, detach from the alcoholic in him who’s trying to claw his way towards drinking.
It’s not mean or unkind or un-loving – detaching is healthy all around.
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Worried2...
Just reading your post now. Welcome to the Board. Let's cut to the chase, shall we?
What you describe here (with my emphasis added) is garden variety alcoholic behavior, especially the lack of personal responsibility.
The truth is, Worried2, is there's nothing you, your husband or anyone else can do for him. It is also true that your husband is under no obligation to put up with any sort of verbal abuse. Sometimes we think that just because someone is a family member that we have no choice but to put up with that person's poor behavior. The truth is we don't have to put up with anything we don't want to put up with. If your husband were to, for example, go no contact with his brother, he would be justified in doing so.
For healthy adults, boundaries are an essential component. The moment we give ourselves permission to do something that's not in our best interests, those boundaries are compromised. And when we allow someone to verbally abuse us, those boundaries are compromised. Perhaps your husband's brother needs to learn that he cannot behave the way he currently is without paying a price.
In any event, I'm glad you're here and I hope you stick around as long as you have need.
Just reading your post now. Welcome to the Board. Let's cut to the chase, shall we?
My husbands brother is an acholic and he started AA which we are happy about but he still blames all of us for what's happens to him and that has happened to him. He lost his job and it's everyone else's fault. We want to be there for him but it's so hard to be. Right now we have been keeping our distance cause it's been so hard. I get tired of him calling my husband names and telling him he is worthless. Then he calls and says he needs him and he's suppose to be there cause he's suppose to take care of him. I don't really understand all of this and I want to be there for my husband cause it's been hard on him. He's always been there for his brother but this has been to much.
The truth is, Worried2, is there's nothing you, your husband or anyone else can do for him. It is also true that your husband is under no obligation to put up with any sort of verbal abuse. Sometimes we think that just because someone is a family member that we have no choice but to put up with that person's poor behavior. The truth is we don't have to put up with anything we don't want to put up with. If your husband were to, for example, go no contact with his brother, he would be justified in doing so.
For healthy adults, boundaries are an essential component. The moment we give ourselves permission to do something that's not in our best interests, those boundaries are compromised. And when we allow someone to verbally abuse us, those boundaries are compromised. Perhaps your husband's brother needs to learn that he cannot behave the way he currently is without paying a price.
In any event, I'm glad you're here and I hope you stick around as long as you have need.
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